RadishRose
SF VIP
- Location
- Connecticut, USA
You got it.
Mother raised six children...now estranged from 5....
- Thread starter Babycakes
- Start date
That was a statement of unfortunate feeling...asking for advice to turn the situation around. You can look at it however you chose but I stated it with hope of making it better. It appears your apple does not fall far from the negative tree. Some apples are sweet some are sour. The statement of fact may appear sour but some good positions advice can sprinkle sugar and make a pretty tasty pie.
Quite sad..I hope she turned out well in spite of it. I’m sure it was a difficult time.
Yup. All 5 of your children are bad & you're good.That was a statement of unfortunate feeling...asking for advice to turn the situation around. You can look at it however you chose but I stated it with hope of making it better. It appears your apple does not fall far from the negative tree. Some apples are sweet some are sour. The statement of fact may appear sour but some good positions advice can sprinkle sugar and make a pretty tasty pie.
And.....it's so unfair, you poor thing!!
Thanks for the support.... I appreciate you. not......I’m far from good...just a human who is at lease trying to do better. I would not consider any of my children bad. They are hard working law abiding citizens. I am very proud of that.....
grahamg
Old codger
- Location
- South of Manchester, UK
You've got a laid back attitude to life, (is that so?), and lived long enough to have some idea what you're talking about.
I know I looked at my role as a dad in a different way, certainly not laid back at least. I thought the thing that mattered was ultimately to love your child, (not arguing whether you loved your children too though). Loving my child meant showing her there was nothing I would hold back emotionally, and I do think you either love someone or you dont, there is no half way house. My child was asked by court welfare officers whether she loved me, and she said she didn't think she did to them, (I believe they have no right at all to pry into such areas of personal life, and agree with the Canadian lawyer Goldwater who spoke on the need for privacy in personal life).
When I once asked my child whether she loved me or not, (and I think I only asked once), she said "Deep down I do". I didn't want her to love me any other way than "deep down", so I'm satisfied with that aspect of an overall failed relationship. There maybe aren't answers on thread like this one, but we all have to make our own choices dont we in life.
. True...thanks for your honesty...You've got a laid back attitude to life, (is that so?), and lived long enough to have some idea what you're talking about.
I know I looked at my role as a dad in a different way, certainly not laid back at least. I thought the thing that mattered was ultimately to love your child, (not arguing whether you loved your children too though). Loving my child meant showing her there was nothing I would hold back emotionally, and I do think you either love someone or you dont, there is no half way house. My child was asked by court welfare officers whether she loved me, and she said she didn't think she did to them, (I believe they have no right at all to pry into such areas of personal life, and agree with the Canadian lawyer Goldwater who spoke on the need for privacy in personal life).
When I once asked my child whether she loved me or not, (and I think I only asked once), she said "Deep down I do". I didn't want her to love me any other way than "deep down", so I'm satisfied with that aspect of an overall failed relationship. There maybe aren't answers on thread like this one, but we all have to make our own choices dont we in life.
Sure looks that way
My lady does enough fawning over our kids for both of us.
Me, I mostly just told 'em to pick up after themselves, and to put my tools back
But when their mom talks to 'em, they always ask about me.
Maybe the trick is to be aloof, standoffish
Seems to've worked for me
We did a lot of camping/fishing, though
I still hear them talking about how those were the best of times
Doubt anyone has all the answers
and if they do, they prolly don't have any kids
So refreshing to hear your response. I never thought about it like that...but it makes sense. It’s too late for me now but maybe someone will read this and consider making some changes. Thanks for sharing.
It's never too late
I'm gonna post something here that I've posted before
Rereading it sometimes clears my senses....realigns my perspective when it gets skewed from time to time;
I just watched the movie 'Shine' last night
.....reminded me of my eldest son
was hard to hold emotion thru some parts
was much harder for my Lady
but we remained
riveted
My son
Excelled in academics
Skipped grades
Won awards
Became somewhat sought after
Mensa
Artistic things hung in municipal halls
Life for him was just too slow apace
Stayed up for days at a time
He’d regurgitate all his thoughts to his mother and I
It was a bit suffocating
Then one day he came to me in my shop
....and began crying, telling me he felt he was going crazy,
but unable to put his feelings into words
I hugged him
Told him all kids go thru puberty and change
‘this too shall pass’ kinda thing
The next years are a blur
I guess maybe I never have wished to dwell on the events in those years
I’ll try to piece some together on my own, as I know better than to ask my lady
He ended up in prison
At 19
Advancing from a minimum security facility to OSP
And on to ‘thunderdome’
Where nobody wants to go
Tried to arrange visits
Rejected countless times
Talked to OSP counselors
‘forget your son, concentrate on your other children’
We got a call
OSP does not call anyone
‘You need to see your son’
The visiting area was like a staging zone for zoo critters
Steel tables, benches, cemented in
Chain link walls and doors
He was led in by guards
Shackled head to toe
Made to sit
Unseeing eyes
No recognition
Indistinguishable utterances
He stunk to high heaven
Never looked our way
On the way home I had to pull over, off the freeway
I don’t remember the last time I cried
Maybe as a small child...
But
Never wept like that in my life
And have yet too since
Bitter
Helpless
Godless
Utter hopelessness
A week (?) later we got another call
He was being transferred to the psych ward across the street
Where ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’ was filmed
We were told he had quit eating entirely
Weighed 90 lbs
A guard carried him across the street
We were led to the visiting area
Typical booth like situation for visitors
Only, the other side of the glass was something from a zombie movie
We got to watch him attempt to drink milk and cry
My lady had a very hard time
I went alone
Weeks of visiting later, he was released
Just like that
After 7 years of maximum security
to us
I do not do well when cleaning up men with uncontrolled body functions
Triage
Nut bins
Meds
It’s all a blur
Somewhere in there, when he was still cognizant, I did a bit of a fraught thing…
We talked about his options
He wanted to go camping
So
Him and I packed his meager belongings
Bought him some basic camp stuff
Drove him to the Trask river area
And dropped him off
while it began to rain
Ever do something that gave you immediate relief, knowing the end result would probably not be optimal?
The sack of cats Dad would have me toss out the window of a speeding Chevy may have had an influence
On the way back home, I tried not to think.
Still
Thoughts crept in
Maybe he’d just lie there curled in his sleeping bag
Inert
Oblivious
Until days later large birds of prey would dine on his remains
It’s all a blur
They found him 300 miles south
Incoherent
The Tillamook women’s mental health facility asked us to take him back 'he can't stay here'
More triage
Got him hooked up with a place called Luke-Dorf
General population nut bin for semi-functional goofballs
Then what they call the quad
Then paired up in a shared apartment
And now
On his own
On a budget
I figger the tax payer’s dollars for this are from this tax payer
During these times he’d ever so often not take his meds
Sometimes it was because they changed colors or shapes and he didn’t think they were right
Sometimes it was just because he thought he no longer needed them
Always ended with me going over there, reattaching his phone, and fishing his glasses outa the toilet.
He’s as functional now as you and me, first look.
As long as he takes his meds.
Sorry
This is jumbled time line mess
My lady can recite the events like they happened yesterday
7 or more years of them
I will not take her there
Couple things;
Underage folks do not get diagnosed in regard to mental health
No matter how batshit crazy they are
At least they didn’t then
but
Rosie O'Donnell can git outa bed to do a show
Then go back to bed
And she’s clinically nuts
I know, I know, mental illness is different than insanity
I jus’ wanted to be trite for a bit during this scattered post
What a story...where is he now?
He's in a nice apartment
Doing quite well, considering
Heavy into computer technology, and other stuff waaaay beyond my scope
He knows to religiously take his meds, and has his twice yearly checkup to make sure those meds aren't destroying his organs
(they're rather potent)
He'll be 50 next year
Does he hold down a job? Is he able to have friends or stay to himself? I’m happy to hear he turned things around. How often do you and your wife see him?
He's on disability
He has a few select friends
He's 300 miles away, but we visit once a year
He's not the most sociable person in the world.....unless you speak tech-speak
Right now he's into building/designing hybrid electric bikes
Still I’m amazed how he turned things around. My brother held a good job for 10 years driving the city bus. He was fired for stealing the bus fares. He was never ever to rebound. He had some difficulty in his youth with the law. But after losing the job he ended up homeless for over 20 years and eventually died of a heart attacked while living on the streets. I wish he could have found his way.
No, it doesn't
But, he's resourceful
Sorry about yer brother
I've got other kids, one homeless, meth head...she's turning 40 soon
Turns out, no matter what/how one does things to help, everbod makes their choices
It's really the only power one has
...and cannot be taken away, be it authorities, or a well meaning parent
I’ve come to learn that. It has been a delight sharing life with you. Hope to keep in touch. I bet you have many more stories to share.
grahamg
Old codger
- Location
- South of Manchester, UK
You've given us all a dose of reality here, and along with others made this thread into one of the most moving I've come across.
Sure not meaning to upset anyone's apple cart.
I tend to stay with the light stuff
I mean, like everbod else here, live long enough, stuff happens.
Nobody comes out unscathed
The happy things are rather rare
All the more reason to dwell on 'em
But, yeah, that reality thing is there, sometimes tucked away, in the back of the head
But, it's there
One must learn to keep a balance
Not nuts giddy day in day out, but not moping around all morose 24/7 either
Laughing is a great thing
Laughing is pure relief....it’s your inner self being relieved of stress. One of the reasons I avoid stressful people is to eliminate stress and discomfort. I am so open to meeting new people and enjoying life. My husband and I are avid Poker Players. It’s a great way to meet new people. That is one of the main reasons we chose to retire in Las Vegas.
grahamg
Old codger
- Location
- South of Manchester, UK
bet you're a fair poker player, and you'd make mincemeat of me, as I show everything I'm thinking in my face!
I’m decent but like I said I mainly play for the socialization. Now my husband is another story strictly about the win. You will probably see him on the tv sometime in the near future. He is really coming up the ladder and making a name for himself.
grahamg
Old codger
- Location
- South of Manchester, UK
You may already realise, as a poker player, that some people responding on threads such as this one, have another agenda besides the thread topic (myself being one of them, I admit).
You may not know all that much about parental alienation following divorce (apologies can't remember whether divorce affected your family)? I do know a bit about it, and without derailing your thread, I just wonder your feelings about the way parents are treated after divorce, particularly non resident parents, when everything is supposed to be about the best interests of the child, rather than mutual interests between the parent/child?