Moved so often because of my husbands work, now I am older I am so lonely

BlissfullyUnawareCanadian

BlissfullyUnawareCanadian

Member
Location
Kingston, Ontario
I am not quite a senior (? maybe I am, I am 51) and because of my husbands work, we moved often. We just moved three years ago and I was busy with a huge house renovation, so I had no time to meet new friends. Besides, even if I did, I don't know how to really make friends anymore. It was so easy when I was young, but now even without a pandemic, I just can't seem to make the close connections I used to. My children are still younger (ages 13 and 9) so they still rely on me, but are not stuck to my hip like they were in their younger years. I have time to socialize and go out (when and if it's safe), but when I do go out I don't seem to click with anyone. Maybe I am too quiet and people think I am a snob? I once entered a zoom chat for a local Stitch and Chat group and no one even said hello to me! I was so disappointed, I just felt hopeless at that point.

I have no family left other than one brother who sticks to himself, and my husbands family lives in Portland, and we are in Canada east of Toronto. So I really don't have any local family to hang out with either. And now with this pandemic, I'm really feeling lonely. I try and get out but it takes time to build up friendships and it seems like any women in their 50's and 60's locally have family commitments and friends they have known since at least high school.

How do you do it? How do older people socialize during a pandemic? Or even in a non pandemic year? I feel like I'm missing something!
 

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Can we call you ''Bliss''...it's a lot easier to type... :D

I was younger than you when I first joined forums although I didn't have school age children, but I joined for the same reason as you.. to find friends after I'd moved to a non English speaking country. where I knew no-one .. I'm in my mid 60's now and joined this over 50's senior forum in my 50's.. so I've been here a while :D

Do come right in, you're very welcome here,

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The Pandemic has really changed the way we socialize now, but I am definitely a senior citizen and I moved where I am now about 2 yrs ago. I don't even know the people who live near me. I'm at the point in my life that I don't care to make new friends. My advice to you would be to look for places near you like a community center or other places like that and join one the interests you. I am sure you will be able to make new friends.
 

I am 74, moved here in March, 😂, not so great timing. No friends and stuck with my husband 24/7 who I sometimes like. You will find lots of conversation here. I may be short on friends but I have LOTS of TP. LOTS. 😁

Welcome to the forum.
 
Welcome. I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions or advice for you, but I do hope you find a way to connect with some other people in your area. I know this is very hard during these Covid days but hopefully we'll be past that by the end of summer and hopefully you'll be able to connect with others then.
 
Hello, Bliss :) I live not too far from you. This is probably a difficult time of year to make new acquaintances, COVID aside. Being cold weather, one may not even see neighbours around. Meanwhile, this is a great forum for interacting and getting to know people. We are a friendly bunch here, from all over the world.

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BlissfullyUnawareCanadian said:
I am not quite a senior (? maybe I am, I am 51) and because of my husbands work, we moved often. We just moved three years ago and I was busy with a huge house renovation, so I had no time to meet new friends. Besides, even if I did, I don't know how to really make friends anymore. It was so easy when I was young, but now even without a pandemic, I just can't seem to make the close connections I used to. My children are still younger (ages 13 and 9) so they still rely on me, but are not stuck to my hip like they were in their younger years. I have time to socialize and go out (when and if it's safe), but when I do go out I don't seem to click with anyone. Maybe I am too quiet and people think I am a snob? I once entered a zoom chat for a local Stitch and Chat group and no one even said hello to me! I was so disappointed, I just felt hopeless at that point.

I have no family left other than one brother who sticks to himself, and my husbands family lives in Portland, and we are in Canada just east of Toronto. So I really don't have any local family to hang out with either. And now with this pandemic, I'm really feeling lonely. I try and get out but it takes time to build up friendships and it seems like any women in their 50's and 60's locally have family commitments and friends they have known since at least high school.

How do you do it? How do older people socialize during a pandemic? Or even in a non pandemic year? I feel like I'm missing something!
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My sympathies, Bliss; I'm quite a bit older than you but feel kinda the same. I've never been good at making friends, though, even when I was younger. And now that I'm older, even before the Covid Lockdown, had trouble finding other women in my age group who were interested in something besides grandkids and religion (neither of which apply to me). And of course now with Lockdown, it's really hard.

About the Stitch and Chat group Zoom meeting, I can relate; I belong to 2 Zoom "meetings" and feel like I get ignored sometimes. How about trying the Stitch & Chat Zoom meeting again and this time, wear a ball cap or easy-to-see on camera shirt that says something really startling on it? I'm thinkin about doing that at my next zoom mtg. where there's a millenial in the group that seems to dislike Boomers (or maybe she just doesn't like *me*, lol); I was thinking about "Recovering Boomer" and see if she finally acknowledges my existence, lol.

Anyway, sorry for the smart-aleck humor; trying to cheer myself up after ruining 2 batches of "never-fail" fudge, sigh...I hate to cook...sigh...

Anyway, welcome to the group and there is always someone here on SF to listen, a great group!
 
When I was younger, it seems to me that people were friendlier and more open to connection. Now, everyone is glued to their phones. It isn't just the pandemic, even before that it seemed that a lot of people lived virtually. Like nothing in their lives was real if it wasn't on Facebook or Instagram. It gets absurd. I'm old enough to remember when a neighbor would drop in for coffee if she had news to share. Now, my next door neighbor messages me on FB. I'm not sure I'd recognize her if I saw her. It just feels to me like we're all so disconnected. Even the friends I've known for years seem more distant. Don't be thinking that it's somehow your fault that it's hard to make friends, I believe it's become a universal problem.

I'm glad you've joined the forum, at first I wasn't sure what the people would be like, but I've found a warm and caring community here.
 
My wife and I both seem to meet and become friends with people while we are walking our dogs. Being active at a gym works and volunteering at a charity also work. But it has all gotten more difficult in the "age of COVID."

You are in the right place here, and the people on this forum are very friendly and supportive.

Glad to have you aboard.
 
Hi @BlissfullyUnawareCanadian I, too, get lonely and find it very hard to make friends any more. You are not alone nor are you the only one here who gets lonely so you've come to a good place to meet new friends online. My brothers and sister are all out of state now so I never get to see them anymore and because of the pandemic, too.

Like Pecos I talk to some who are walking their dogs. It brightens my day and my dog's too.

I don't go anywhere except to the grocery store or drugstore once in awhile. I often strike up a conversation with someone in the store but it's not the same as having a friend to do things with. I may try the local senior center once I get the vaccine and others do, too.

I look forward to chatting with you in some of our threads here!

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This is why I joined this forum too, Bliss. I was on Facebook for a ling time but it got way too toxic for me last year so I ditched it and found this wonderful group 💕. My husband’s job also required a lot of moves (31 in 52 yrs of marriage) so I have a lot of empathy and sympathy for you. I was basically a pretty shy person but I soon learned that if I wanted friends I had to get out there and make them. And I did!!! I remember one move where I was so freaking bored that I ended up knocking on the door of the house next to us and saying “Hi! We just moved in next door...want to be my friend???” ( and we still keep in touch all of these years and umpteen years later!). Heck, you can make friends grocery shopping if you really want to. And you will...I can tell by the friendliness of your post. But until it’s safe to get back out there...hang with us ❤️
 
Hi Bliss - also, Welcome to the Forum. I'm not an active regular but I post now and again. I liked your post - it is important to have friends, no matter where you are!

We have moved around a lot, over the years too. We knew, when we retired, that THIS TIME, we could choose exactly where we wanted to go. So, we planned ahead for several years. We knew we wanted to go to Maine but we didn't know anyone there so..... I used the internet. I chatted with some folks from this forum along with, at least, one other. Since I am an avid textile/fiber person, I reached out on Ravelry.com (forum for spinners, weavers, knitters, crocheters, etc) as well as the Embroidery Guild of America. I chatted through e-mail and we made plans to visit in 2015. One of the Ravelry gals invited us to her home, took us to lunch and drove us all around Portland ME. She, and several friends, recommended a wonderful Realtor, with whom, we met before we flew back to TN. Several more years of watching listings on Realtor.com and chatting online when the husband finally came home and said he was ready to retire. We called the Realtor, got out the check book and shopped for a house online. Once here, the Realtor recommended some contractors to do some work for us and we got to know them as well as having the most fun renovating a kitchen that I've ever had! We met the neighbors and I finally met some of the gals I had been e-mailing, joined the local knitting group, the Maine chapter of the Embroidery Guild and at a local library's Textile Day, met with some lace makers and a dozen farmers that produce fiber. In 3 years, we feel like we've been here FOREVER and I often run into someone I know at the grocery store or Post Office. With work and children in previous places - it took up to 6 years, before we felt we had made any actual friends.

This season we've been stuck at home but have plenty of folks to talk to by phone. Husband has done some volunteer work and has taken over the financial records at the local church. One woman from the Friday Knitters and her husband have met us for dinner a couple of times and we all look forward to backyard bbqs when its safe. I have done a lot of shopping on ETSY and always narrow my search to "Shops only in Maine." I have had sweet notes from two "Makers" that are close by and once we can socialize again, we have plans to meet up. Our neighbors have been terrific - offering help and checking on us. (we are 65 and 64 but husband has Parkinsons). I hope you can find some way to reach out ahead of your next move. Perhaps you could volunteer - library, church, rescue shelter, ... the list is endless. Do you read? Book clubs. Do any sports? There are a ton of inexpensive classes at our Town Recreation Center, trips for seniors once a month, lectures, outdoor concerts....WAAAY too much to do! GOOD LUCK!!
 
Welcome! When we are able to go back to church I intend to join some of the others at different functions. At my age I keep in touch with a few friends I have known for years. They live 5 hours away but we chat on the phone every week and keep up with each other. Its different for you but you might try your local library. Ours has several different groups that meet there weekly. Some are coloring groups, some discuss books and others have other discussions. I was surprised at the variety of groups they have. Of course they follow the rules about the covid-19 but they have a great time and were taking day trips to different places once a month. I am not sure how they are doing it now but I am sure they are having a good time.
 
Myquest55 said:
Hi Bliss - also, Welcome to the Forum. I'm not an active regular but I post now and again. I liked your post - it is important to have friends, no matter where you are!

We have moved around a lot, over the years too. We knew, when we retired, that THIS TIME, we could choose exactly where we wanted to go. So, we planned ahead for several years. We knew we wanted to go to Maine but we didn't know anyone there so..... I used the internet. I chatted with some folks from this forum along with, at least, one other. Since I am an avid textile/fiber person, I reached out on Ravelry.com (forum for spinners, weavers, knitters, crocheters, etc) as well as the Embroidery Guild of America. I chatted through e-mail and we made plans to visit in 2015. One of the Ravelry gals invited us to her home, took us to lunch and drove us all around Portland ME. She, and several friends, recommended a wonderful Realtor, with whom, we met before we flew back to TN. Several more years of watching listings on Realtor.com and chatting online when the husband finally came home and said he was ready to retire. We called the Realtor, got out the check book and shopped for a house online. Once here, the Realtor recommended some contractors to do some work for us and we got to know them as well as having the most fun renovating a kitchen that I've ever had! We met the neighbors and I finally met some of the gals I had been e-mailing, joined the local knitting group, the Maine chapter of the Embroidery Guild and at a local library's Textile Day, met with some lace makers and a dozen farmers that produce fiber. In 3 years, we feel like we've been here FOREVER and I often run into someone I know at the grocery store or Post Office. With work and children in previous places - it took up to 6 years, before we felt we had made any actual friends.

This season we've been stuck at home but have plenty of folks to talk to by phone. Husband has done some volunteer work and has taken over the financial records at the local church. One woman from the Friday Knitters and her husband have met us for dinner a couple of times and we all look forward to backyard bbqs when its safe. I have done a lot of shopping on ETSY and always narrow my search to "Shops only in Maine." I have had sweet notes from two "Makers" that are close by and once we can socialize again, we have plans to meet up. Our neighbors have been terrific - offering help and checking on us. (we are 65 and 64 but husband has Parkinsons). I hope you can find some way to reach out ahead of your next move. Perhaps you could volunteer - library, church, rescue shelter, ... the list is endless. Do you read? Book clubs. Do any sports? There are a ton of inexpensive classes at our Town Recreation Center, trips for seniors once a month, lectures, outdoor concerts....WAAAY too much to do! GOOD LUCK!!
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WOW, just reading your post made me tired. I don't want friends anymore, except the people here. I want acquaintances. People to say hi to in the hood, talk a little while on a walk, give squash to from my garden in the summer, but nothing heavy duty. I just don’t want to put forth the effort friendship requires anymore. But I am happy for people who have the energy to do so.
 
I moved every 3 years of my life since birth, so I lost contact each time without social media in the palm of my hands. I had to learn how to let go, move on, and make new friends each time. It did get harder the older I got. Now, I don't have any friends I grew up with and I can only imagine how special that must be. But I'm not at all lonely.

I don't know exactly what formula I'm using that's making this work but I can list a few things that come to mind randomly.

I practice positive thinking and have grown more positive over time...especially since my daughter who lives near me is a super positive example and beautiful soul to me, to all of her sibs, and to everyone around her. Be proactive to hang with positive people like that, but if you can't find anyone like that then BE that person. Read self-help books, listen to motivational speakers like Tony Robbins, etc. Then let your sun shine and others will flock to you because we all like sunshine and warmth 😊

My children and I have all learned to be happy with most everything that comes our way...and when times get too tough we've learned patience and leaning on our faith in our creator. Cover your ears @officerripley 😊 Jesus is my friend (not trying to convert anyone...just sharing who I am just like everyone else is). I also have 4 grown children who all treat me like I'm their best friend.

Another BIG part of not being lonely...my beagle "Blu" and my pomapoo "Bella". We belong to a mutual admiration society, my doggies and me❤️ Pets are here to heal us...well most of them
 
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Well, You're very young. I too, am much older. But, May I suggest something radical?

Don't even try to search out friends right now.
Investigate your OWN interests and talents.
Make your surroundings perfect FOR YOU!
Make your life perfect for the wonders to occur.
Clean, organized, cheerful, Spend time ON YOU!
Make yourself happy ALONE!
Discover WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU LIKE!
People will gravitate TO YOU!

You will be preparing your life for the wonders to occur! and they WILL!

I must add,IMO!
 
I've read a lot of self-help books on friendships in recent years and up 'till about 10 years ago, the books would recommend volunteering as a way to possible make friends. Then about 10 years ago, I noticed the new books on the subject didn't recommend that anymore; in fact, one book said to only volunteer if you cared passionately about the cause or if you only cared about just getting out of the house; it said that if one of, or espec. the only, reason you were volunteering was to try to make friends, it wouldn't happen. It said that people can sense if a person is doing something for that reason and it will turn them off, they can sense the desperation and unfortunately, most people don't want to be friends with anybody who needs a friend, people prefer being friends with popular people who already have friends.

And, that was my experience at the place where I volunteered. I started off volunteering there because I only cared about the cause. Then after I was there for a while, I discovered that I really enjoyed the company of the other volunteers, finally a bunch of gals in my age group who were also bookworms, liberal, childless, yay! Welp. After a coupla tries (asking to go to lunch, coffee), turns out these gals didn't want to be friends with me either. So just be aware, volunteering will help the cause but not anybody's social life.
 
BlissfullyUnawareCanadian said:
I am not quite a senior (? maybe I am, I am 51) and because of my husbands work, we moved often. We just moved three years ago and I was busy with a huge house renovation, so I had no time to meet new friends. Besides, even if I did, I don't know how to really make friends anymore. It was so easy when I was young, but now even without a pandemic, I just can't seem to make the close connections I used to. My children are still younger (ages 13 and 9) so they still rely on me, but are not stuck to my hip like they were in their younger years. I have time to socialize and go out (when and if it's safe), but when I do go out I don't seem to click with anyone. Maybe I am too quiet and people think I am a snob? I once entered a zoom chat for a local Stitch and Chat group and no one even said hello to me! I was so disappointed, I just felt hopeless at that point.

I have no family left other than one brother who sticks to himself, and my husbands family lives in Portland, and we are in Canada east of Toronto. So I really don't have any local family to hang out with either. And now with this pandemic, I'm really feeling lonely. I try and get out but it takes time to build up friendships and it seems like any women in their 50's and 60's locally have family commitments and friends they have known since at least high school.

How do you do it? How do older people socialize during a pandemic? Or even in a non pandemic year? I feel like I'm missing something!
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I don't think it's you that's the snob. I don't socialize with anyone except the people online because everyone is too into their cell phones to be bothered to talk to anybody. I mostly entertain myself with hobbies.
 

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