My daughter continually breaks my heart.

Blaze Duskdreamer

Blaze Duskdreamer

Member
My daughter turns 32 next month and she is boomerang to the extreme with an 11yo son. It is so bad that I'd have done the tough love thing years ago and told her to sink or swim but the problem with that is my grandson. If she winds up homeless, he winds up homeless or in the horrific foster care system we have here in NY unless I sue for custody because it's doubtful that his father will and unfortunately it's doubtful I'd get custody due to disabilities and health problems.

Long story, short version:

I skipped state with her when she was three to protect her from an abusive father when the family court system here in NY failed to. Instead of allowing court-ordered unsupervised visitation, I got on a plane with her and kept her safe. 10 years later, detective got a hold of me because he was under arrest in VT for child molestation. I cooperated with her but I'd been homesick for NY since we left and because he was in VT and couldn't leave that state and looked like he was going to jail for sure (the case against him was solid), I returned to NY. When plea bargaining led to a sentence, he killed himself instead of turning himself in.

My daughter suffers from depression and is bi-polar indicated. She has bounced out on her own a few times but always boomerangs back and brings her baggage with her and I am not talking about my little charm fellow (my grandson) but her total inability to be a self-sufficient grown-up and take care of her son and herself. Heck, she can't even take care of herself, let alone him. When it comes to issues like this, she refuses to talk but just screams and accuses or breaks down crying that she just can't do anything.

This last time out was lease coming up on apartment, I'd had enough with her total lack of cooperation about keeping the apartment clean and being respectful towards me and said we'd have to go our separate ways. She moved in with her trans-gender girlfriend who I'll just call S. My daughter (L) is bi. Things seemed to be hunky-dory. S was nutty but generally speaking not crazy seeming, more zany seeming. I liked her. What I told her from the beginning was I don't care about either the same gender thing or the trans thing, what I care about is if you treat them right and respect them. It seemed to be the case but she flipped on a dime from zany to crazy a couple of weekends ago. L suspects she started drinking. She threatened my daughter's life and told her to cut me off when L refused, she threatened mine. L fled the home and, of course, had to boomerang back to me which technically puts me in jeopardy of eviction as my new apartment lease allows only me to live here. She went to a domestic violence shelter for a bit while grandson went back and forth between his Dad and me but then boomeranged home when pressured by them to go on social services even though she has a job working retail pretty much full-time. Plus the shelter was pretty awful from what she tells me.

I let her come because grandson's Dad was pretty much this can't go on indefinitely, having to drive him to school from a distance. (My daughter's car was rear-ended and totalled. She has, with my help, replaced it.) He has a whole situation at home because new wife is literally my age and her daughter and five grandchildren are living with them because of a domestic violence situation. Her daugher's ex is doing a lengthy stretch in the slammer for some really horrifying things done to her in front of her children that left her brain-damaged and disabled so they can't go.

Despite all this things have been going well because we've both been bending backwards to not fight and get along. She likes to let grandson do homework at 8 pm which is generally when I watch TV and TV distracts him so I was trying to watch on my tablet but had problems with the app to do so. When I complained about this she snaps want us to go? I said no knowing she literally had nowhere to go and it was right back to fighting and being disrespectful and I'm thinking I'm being told to not watch TV in my own home and that's just ridiculous and biting my tongue on saying it. I did tell her that she does that every time she's angry with me. Threatens to remove the grandson to an unsafe situation. When grandson fell asleep, she left to go on a drive to calm down and think straight but was gone for three hours and didn't take her cell. She came back and said she was at a friend's which I don't know if that was true or she talked to S or what but I spent three hours frantically wondering if she would self-harm. When she returned, she apologized and said she'll never say that again but, well, I've heard that before.

I try and try and always fail to connect with her. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way about me. Last time we had a fight, I sat it out and waited for her to come to me. She didn't until the grandson demanded to see his Grammy. I do realize it's time for tough love on her behalf and it would have happened years ago but the grandson is a problem. I can't prove she's negligent or anything as she mostly isn't; she's a very loving mother, doubt I could get custody though I could get visitation if she tried to keep him from me as he's lived with me most of his 11 years and it's doubtful his father would take him even without his present situation. Also doubtful his other grandparents would. I don't want to see him either wind up homeless with her or in a foster care situation so I keep putting up with her garbage but every time she turns on me and accuses me of everything from yelling too much to complaining about how poor we were when she was growing up (I took a $7,000 a year pay cut to keep her safe which was no small potatoes in 1986), it cuts like a knife and I just can't get her to understand or care how deeply it wounds me. Whenever I try to talk about my feelings, she turns it around on herself with emotional blackmail about how hateful she is or talking about her feelings instead of mine, how hers are so much worse, plays that depression card big time.

I just don't know what to do any more. I want to talk to her calmly like an adult. I want to tell her that I worry about her and grandson's safety, that I need to know they're safe. It is looking like I'll be buying a house soon and she's been so mature for the last year with none of this nonsense that I had hoped that we could be a help to each other. I could help financially even just by providing a roof because she doesn't make enough for her own apartment in return for her helping out with things that have become difficult for me like housekeeping and cooking. With S, she wasn't a neat freak but kept the house reasonably clean, conquering her hoarding tendencies but back with Mom, and her old habits return pronto. I want to tell her that I had hopes for that as we really kind of need each other this way but it was promptly planning to stay at my house until she got money saved up and I admit I resent the one-sided position of that, the use me until she doesn't need me and no consideration of if I need her. It is painfully obvious she is not going to be the help I need. That she considers having a weekly family dinner and driving me places is what she considers doing her duty as a daughter and nothing more. She says if you need help, ask for it but I am left feeling I can't. Grandson -- he wants what I want, he is used to living with me and hated not living with me for the time they were with S -- but, well, I don't think he and I are going to get that picture we envision. I just don't think L is mature enough to woman up and live up to that even temporarily. It's just not going to happen. I'd like to think I could discuss this with her and say I want you here too because I need the help; we can help each other. Of course, this changes if she marries or something. I understand that. I also understand she may want her own place.

I just wish I could discuss these matters with her and I can't. I'm sorry this got so long. I was looking for advice on-line last night and found this forum and read some other posts on problems with adult children and good advice was given and heartbreak consoled so I thought I'd try for some feedback too. Having the grandson in the precarious position he's in complicates things so badly.
 

Many parents have had to completely separate themselves from their adult children b/c of problems like this. And, when the adult child has a child/children, the parent has to separate from them as well. It's not a fun or easy thing to do, but to keep your sanity, it's darn near mandatory!
 
Hi Blaze! I'm sure sorry you're having such an awful time with your daughter. It obviously breaks your heart that this is the way it is.

Here's my advice for what it's worth, take it or leave it, pick it apart and use what you need or not. Only you will know what might apply.

Your daughter is an adult. You did your best I'm assuming to raise her to be responsible and careful and she has chosen not to follow any of that. So it's not your problem. I would write down how she makes you feel, how much you love her and care for her well being and send her a letter (keep a copy so you don't forget what you've said). Fill it with love and well wishes but make it clear (gently) that at your age, you no longer chose to be part of her drama. Don't invite her back into your home because from what I can see, that's only going to be the start of new ugliness and you don't deserve that. You did your job as a mom but now that time is done.

As for your grandson, if you think he's in danger, then it's not a bad idea to let someone in some position of authority know of your concerns and if you have an opportunity to be alone with your grandson, tell him that if he's ever afraid that your door is open always to him because you love him dearly and you will always be available to talk with and bounce ideas off of and as a source of moral support. Be his encourager and strengthener in this life and maybe if you have the energy to raise a kid, perhaps you could carefully suggest that 'him coming to live with you would free her up to pursue her own dreams'. But of course, that last suggestion would have to be taken only after the most extreme and careful consideration and depending on how nasty you think she might get.


Part of the problem as I see it with any human relationships, is that we have expectations on how people should behave and if they don't meet those expectations, than we get all worked up, take it personal and drama ensues. It sounds like your daughter is not selfless, nor loving, nor kind.....that's just the way she is and you don't have to make up for it by being over-kind and letting her come back into your home. We can't change people, they are what they are and at your time of life (I'm assuming you're on the down-hill side like most of us here) you should not have to put up with crap like she wants to dish out. Some people are just plain toxic and they poison everyone around them. Blood is not thicker than water.

And maybe someone else will have a few helpful ideas that will give you more food for thought. Good luck sweetie, hope this situation gets better for you!
 

I'm sorry you're having to go through all this with your daughter. I think she need some tough love from you to let her do for herself, she has to grow up sometime. She can't keep using you and others as a crutch. You've done a lot for her, and did well protecting her from an abusive father. Does she work a full time job? Does she always either live with you or someone else, ever on her own?

Tough situation for sure, of course, your grandson makes everything even more touchy. I don't have personal experience, but watching shows like Dr.Phil, most people stand on their own two feet when they no longer have enablers around them. Some people don't grow up until their in their forties either. It would be good if she could visit with a counselor, like a life counselor to wake her up to what she's doing, why she's doing it, and what changes to make to move forward in her and her son's life. Sorry, no real advice or magic bullets here.
 
Thank you, everyone. She is up getting the rest of the stuff out of her ex gf's house today and actually is thinking. That's both a good and a bad thing with her because when she starts thinking, the depression peaks, but she texted me that she did call a counselor and talked and that she has checked out some rents in some surrounding places and found a few places where they are more affordable for her so she is going to look there. Then, of course, she started back-pedaling about owing me money for the car and raising money for a security deposit. I told her not to worry about it but -- and I think this is actually a good thing -- she replied that she has to pay it back, not because I need but because she needs to for HER. So there's that at least. I replied, first things first; we'll get you settled and then you can start paying me back weekly or monthly. We'll work it out. It seems despite the drama that still has me shaking this time, progress was made. I intend to hold her to those decisions. I simply cannot continue to enable. I just can't do it. She does love her son very much and she has never, to my knowledge, mistreated him so he is incentive for her too.

Thank you for listening and for the feedback. It was all helpful. If I start to weaken, I will come here and read it and stand to it. My grandson and I have already talked as advised. He is very like me personality wise and always has been. He knows my door is always open, that I will always welcome him. He also has some understanding and insight beyond his years that Mom has some issues. He's a strong boy and I do not think he is in any danger with her. In fact, seeing her gf get dangerous and scaring him is what gave her the courage to leave. She does look out for her son. Mom just happens to be that safe whipping post that she can take all her frustration out on but it seems that she realized this time what she was doing where she hasn't seen it in the past. I think this is a turning point that she started acting on her own talking to the counselor and finding options that she could live on her wages with and take care of herself and her son. It's a big step in the right direction. I'm cautiously optimistic.
 
I like the word you use in your last sentence (in red). That's the way to be! Good Luck to you.

Blaze Duskdreamer said:
Thank you, everyone. She is up getting the rest of the stuff out of her ex gf's house today and actually is thinking. That's both a good and a bad thing with her because when she starts thinking, the depression peaks, but she texted me that she did call a counselor and talked and that she has checked out some rents in some surrounding places and found a few places where they are more affordable for her so she is going to look there. Then, of course, she started back-pedaling about owing me money for the car and raising money for a security deposit. I told her not to worry about it but -- and I think this is actually a good thing -- she replied that she has to pay it back, not because I need but because she needs to for HER. So there's that at least. I replied, first things first; we'll get you settled and then you can start paying me back weekly or monthly. We'll work it out. It seems despite the drama that still has me shaking this time, progress was made. I intend to hold her to those decisions. I simply cannot continue to enable. I just can't do it. She does love her son very much and she has never, to my knowledge, mistreated him so he is incentive for her too.

Thank you for listening and for the feedback. It was all helpful. If I start to weaken, I will come here and read it and stand to it. My grandson and I have already talked as advised. He is very like me personality wise and always has been. He knows my door is always open, that I will always welcome him. He also has some understanding and insight beyond his years that Mom has some issues. He's a strong boy and I do not think he is in any danger with her. In fact, seeing her gf get dangerous and scaring him is what gave her the courage to leave. She does look out for her son. Mom just happens to be that safe whipping post that she can take all her frustration out on but it seems that she realized this time what she was doing where she hasn't seen it in the past. I think this is a turning point that she started acting on her own talking to the counselor and finding options that she could live on her wages with and take care of herself and her son. It's a big step in the right direction. I'm cautiously optimistic.
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Thank you all. I don't know to what the turn-around is owing but she is determined to prove to everyone, me, herself and the ex in question that she can make it. She is saying she wants to show her son, SHE can take care of him. This is a very, very good thing. Work through the discouragement and manage even with a struggle can only improve her own self-esteem whereas relying on me or returning to the ex would do the direct opposite. I am so relieved and so proud that she is finally seeing that.
 

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