My estranged son sent me a text today.....

Brookswood said:
Goodness. Why unload on him? He has opened the door a crack. Just be his nice loving mother. All unloading will do is shut the door and probably add another lock. I know people who would love for a long lost child to send them such a text message. It shows hope. Just reply lovingly, and don’t expect much. Time is working its magic.
Click to expand...
You obviously haven't read the whole thread. Time is NOT working any kind of magic. He started drifting away when he was in high school. He'll be 50 in July. How much "magic" time do I have left to wait for him to be a man?
 

@ Colleen: My family lived our own version of much the same thing......my two older brothers were the estranged sons.
Mom asked me to email some test questions that only they could answer.........not their wives whom we thought were the sources of the accusatory communications from them. It didn't help anything, the ploy only angered my brothers.
Our family never resolved the disputes. One brother died unexpectedly 4 months before Mom checked out of this world.
The other brother refused to come to her funeral. He died 2 years later, still estranged from me.
It had been many years since I'd seen either of them face to face and I still don't really know what caused the disputes.......

I hope your family comes to a better resolution than mine did.
 
Amen to all of that - it can sometimes seem like a mine field? tred quietly
 

There are 4 reasons (that I can think of) why offspring get distant, uncommunicative, and estranged:

They are embarrassed
They want YOU to handle their problems
They ...realize... that their problems were made by THEM. (and don't want to admit it)
They don't know how to solve their problems.

Whether this is a result of some lack of parental guidance or simply stupidity is the unknown factor.
:(
 
Colleen said:
I've posted about my "relationship" with my son before. He started drifting away when he was in high school. He'll be 50 in July. It's sad but it's been his choice not to keep in touch with me over the years.

I haven't heard from him since October when I let him know my husband (not his bio father) had passed away. He lives about 40 miles from me so it's not like when I lived in AZ and he's here in PA so he had an excuse that he couldn't see me because I was 2000 miles away.

I never heard from him on Thanksgiving or Christmas. He's never even texted me to see if I'm OK or if I needed any help with anything. His silence over the years has spoken volumes about his feelings for me.

Today, I got a text from him. It said, "I know I've been a shitty son, but I want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I hope you are doing better."

I'm not sure I want to answer him. Part of me would like to unload on him but what would be accomplished in that? The other part of me thinks I should just let it go and get on with my life. I know what my late husband would say.....let it go.
Click to expand...
I see no reason why you should unload on him. I would acknowledge his text, thank him and tell him it was nice to hear from him. That’s a good place to start.
 
Linda said:
I see no reason why you should unload on him. I would acknowledge his text, thank him and tell him it was nice to hear from him. That’s a good place to start.
Click to expand...
You need to read all the posts to catch up. I would never "unload" on him. I have been so hurt by him that it was just an emotional response. I would never want to drive him further away from me.
 
Uncle Bozo said:
There are 4 reasons (that I can think of) why offspring get distant, uncommunicative, and estranged:

They are embarrassed
They want YOU to handle their problems
They ...realize... that their problems were made by THEM. (and don't want to admit it)
They don't know how to solve their problems.

Whether this is a result of some lack of parental guidance or simply stupidity is the unknown factor.
:(
Click to expand...
There are many more reasons for offspring to estrange themselves, including that their parents are/were abusive, neglectful or toxic. Not suggesting this is the case for Colleen, just saying people choose estrangement for myriad reasons, not all of them because the offspring are shallow, foolish or immature.
 
Colleen, it sounds like he's not shutting you out anymore. But he's not into having some good relationship either. Maybe just drop a text once every other week about something small and he might respond.
Something like how the weather is getting better or how you're thinking of visiting some fair etc. Even better something about him that doesn't get intrusive.

Best to not expect too much so you're not disappointed.
 
Realizing this is a year old thread, here goes...

I have been estranged from my adult daughter for eight years. It would take a book to iterate all of the reasons. Several times I sent letters, to which there had been no reply. I cried and cried for years. I came seconds away from suicide since it was (of course) "all my fault". Lost touch with my grandchildren.

In discussing this with another person, I was asked, "If you managed to contact her, what would be your goal? What do you want in a relationship with her?" It was then when I realized that I wouldn't want to even be friends with her. It was a light bulb moment.

Recently, I did contact her and we had several phone conversations. I had hoped that the relationship could be salvaged. However, I realized that the caveats she placed on that were more than I could handle. It was asking too much. I wonder if she knew that and did it intentionally. I don't know. I do know that I wouldn't tolerate being treated like that from ANYbody, including her.

I am done. There is a book written on this subject called, "Done With the Crying". That's me. It's such a relief.
 
Colleen said:
I've posted about my "relationship" with my son before. He started drifting away when he was in high school. He'll be 50 in July. It's sad but it's been his choice not to keep in touch with me over the years.

I haven't heard from him since October when I let him know my husband (not his bio father) had passed away. He lives about 40 miles from me so it's not like when I lived in AZ and he's here in PA so he had an excuse that he couldn't see me because I was 2000 miles away.

I never heard from him on Thanksgiving or Christmas. He's never even texted me to see if I'm OK or if I needed any help with anything. His silence over the years has spoken volumes about his feelings for me.

Today, I got a text from him. It said, "I know I've been a shitty son, but I want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I hope you are doing better."

I'm not sure I want to answer him. Part of me would like to unload on him but what would be accomplished in that? The other part of me thinks I should just let it go and get on with my life. I know what my late husband would say.....let it go.
Click to expand...
I am in the same position with my 50 yr old son. He lives 2 doors down the hall and hasn't spoken to me in 7 yrs. Never get any type of communication on any day from him. I don't know how he is but he's still here so he must be doing ok.

I have thought long about this and have decided to let him be. Even as close as he is. If he wants to or needs something bad enough he'll be at my door. I have made the decision to let me be.
 
This situation happens to friends and families all the time. I wouldn't over think it. You can politely reply "thank you." if you like, after all he is your son.
 

Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top