My Grown Daughter Back Home after 20 years and I'm not prepared for this in Retirement

[Sissie]

I've been taught during my life that "where there is a will there is a way" and "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble". (Psalm 46:1) It just seems a little lighter when you share your burdens with others.

My daughter came home for what she told me was a visit for a few weeks and this has far passed weeks and months. She slept on the floor of my living room for almost 2 years and I had to move from there as It was a quite a problem.
I asked her to apply for assistance, until she can find a job and she said she could not and that she was going to leave my home.

I moved to a 2-bedroom and she came, which I couldn't afford. I am using my savings to supplement the rent and it is almost depleted now.

Something happened to my daughter while she was living in another state and it was quite serious. My doctor has explained that it sounds like a breakdown and she needs to be getting therapy and on medication, but she will not go for medical care.

I have reluctantly set up a crowdfunding account and is somewhat embarrassed to request donations. Being a disabled veteran, I'm not able to work. My husband is deceased and my income is still too low to afford to support 2 persons and provide transportation.

Suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.
Sissie

 

[bluebreezes]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about this situation. I'll throw this out there that it needs to start with a conversation about understanding that something happened, and that if she's depressed, it might be hard to feel like doing anything, that you want her to feel better, and she needs to take the first step. It sounds like perhaps she's not aware there are boundaries and limitations (including financial) about continuing to stay with you and that you need her help to make it work.

In your area there are mental health resources (by Googling mental health resources and your city's name) for someone without financial means that might be a good starting point. Perhaps after getting help she might be eligible for disability.

 

[Shalimar]

Sissie, I am a therapist and I work with some very troubled people. Thing is, you can't help anyone who refuses to reach out for help. I sympathise with whatever happened to your daughter, but her hiding out in a state of denial at your house,

depleting your savings, and compromising your well being is not the answer. It is time for her to work toward finding alternate housing. I would not enable her further, even though that seems terribly harsh. Whether or not she realises it, she is being incredibly selfish. She is responsible for her own life. She needs to get help, and you need your life back. Hugs.

 

[Sissie]

Thank you bluebreezes, I've tried to explain to her that she needs to talk with a counselor and that there are certainly problems when an adult doesn't take responsibility for their livelihood. Her condition is complicated it's not as simple as depression. I am going to make a decision soon. I have tried to get her to the mental health clinic.

 

[Sissie]

Thank you so much Shalimar. Yes, I know you are correct and 'hit the nail on the head". I've run out of the easier suggestions to her. Only the tough ones are left, which is what you are suggesting. The toughest part about this is how to get her out for help because I don't want her back to homelessness, which is where she was for a short time prior to leaving the other state of which she lived in for 12 years. She had an excellent job and a very nice apartment and auto. I visited her.

When she visited me, after returning home once, she sent me a check and said she was just so appreciative for all the good meals I prepared while she visited and my hospitality!

If you call Social Services, they will tell you that the person has to be willing to leave or is a threat to oneself or to others and in that instance they send the police. We don't have those conditions.

There has to be a way to do this. I am checking for other options.

 

[Susie]

Thank you bluebreezes, I've tried to explain to her that she needs to talk with a counselor and that there are certainly problems when an adult doesn't take responsibility for their livelihood. Her condition is complicated it's not as simple as depression. I am going to make a decision soon. I have tried to get her to the mental health clinic.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter!
Having 3 grown daughters, I understand how hard it must be for you to say "no".
However, should not the government help your daughter who apparently has had a complete breakdown.
Surely there must be compassion somewhere for a suffering Mother and Daughter.

 

[Sissie]

Thank you, Susie. The government will only help if she is found to be mentally ill. Getting her out for care is the big stumbling block now. They won't come to my home.