My guy proposed ... now what do I do?

[Ronni]

Married for 30+ years to an abusive man, finally found the courage to leave back in 2004. He was emotionally, mentally, verbally, financially and sexually abusive, finally becoming physically abusive when I told him I was leaving him. I was in counseling for a few years after I left because I was a mess, I hated men, felt all except my sons and my brother were scum of the earth, so badly scarred that I wouldn't have a male doctor, dentist, hairdresser etc., and even made sure to get in the grocery line where there was a female attendant. It was really bad. But time and counseling and a LOT of work on myself allowed those open emotional wounds to close. I still have the scars (baggage, triggers, occasional PTSD) but I've been dating for the last few years, at first just lightly, socially, a kiss at the door and that was it. Have been involved in two committed relationships before this last one, both ended amicably.

Met my current guy, Ron, a bit over a year ago. He was...different, or at least I felt differently about him, not at first, but over time I came to miss him when I wasn't with him, which wasn't that way with the other two men. I mean, I enjoyed their company and the time we spent together, (go over Saturday, come home Sunday) but looked forward to getting back home.

We've both been married twice before, and though we had "the talk" about being exclusive, not seeing anyone else, etc., there hadn't been any talk of marriage, other than generally in terms of being wary of going there again.

So imagine my surprise when last weekend over a glass of wine as we were discussing and marveling at how compatible we are in all respects, he takes my hand and says "I don't have a ring yet, and I wasn't going to do this until I did, but will you marry me?"

I know my eyes got very wide and my jaw dropped and I was seriously at a complete loss for words. You don't know me well yet, but I'm here to tell you I am a motor mouth and NEVER at a loss for words!!! And then inexplicably my eyes filled with tears. I still don't know why. He said "Well you didn't say no immediately so I'm hopeful. Just think about it OK?"

And that's all I've been doing all week is thinking about this. There are financial and practical logistics which I'm perfectly capable of sorting out. It's not any of that. It's the emotional component. I love this man. I have zero interest in anyone else. I am committed to him and the relationship, in a "this is it for me from here on out I'm very happy" kind of way. We've gone on several vacations together, a few days here, a week there, this last one was 10 days, and we have been completely comfortable in each other's company, I've not felt like I was eager to get away from him, or that the enforced closeness had becoming grating or uncomfortable.

I'm just....scared I guess? Happy, but....wary. Unsure. I haven't been actively trying to find someone to marry, unlike a number of my single friends both male and female. I have been happy being single, I am happy being with Ron. But marriage? What if my interest cools? What if his does? What if we start to get on each other's nerves (though there is zero indication that that is going to happen, but you know...) I'm not even sure what I'm nervous about.

Advice, wisdom, things to think about, speculations about why I'm wary or unsure or nervous...I'd appreciate any input.

 

[Gary O']

Married for 30+ years to an abusive man, finally found the courage to leave back in 2004. He was emotionally, mentally, verbally, financially and sexually abusive, finally becoming physically abusive when I told him I was leaving him. I was in counseling for a few years after I left because I was a mess, I hated men, felt all except my sons and my brother were scum of the earth, so badly scarred that I wouldn't have a male doctor, dentist, hairdresser etc., and even made sure to get in the grocery line where there was a female attendant. It was really bad. But time and counseling and a LOT of work on myself allowed those open emotional wounds to close. I still have the scars (baggage, triggers, occasional PTSD) .

You’ve paid yer dues…earned some happy times in this life
Marry him
Yer a senior
What are you waiting for?

 

[IKE]

I'm just....scared I guess? Wary. Unsure. I haven't been actively trying to find someone to marry, unlike a number of my single friends both male and female. I have been happy being single, I am happy being with Ron. But marriage? What if my interest cools? What if his does? What if we start to get on each other's nerves ? (though there is zero indication that that is going to happen, but you know...) I'm not even sure what I'm nervous about.

If you're absolutely 100% positive that he's the one that you'd like to spend the rest of your life with, go for it......since you apparently have a few doubts (see above ?'s) and are not yet 100% positive then I'd date awhile longer and see how things go.

It's your call but I certainly wouldn't rush into anything if you have any doubts.

 

[ClassicRockr]

I was single for 21 years, before meeting my wife. Actually, I was, to the same woman, marriage Annulled and second marriage a divorce. I REALLY missed wearing a wedding band, but my ex-wife was so, so much different than myself. IOW, it was much, much more of a "physical attraction" to each other than anything else.

After that 21 years of looking, but never finding, I met my wife thru a Personal Ad I had placed in a local magazine and she answered. I knew from our first meeting for dinner, that I wanted to marry this lady. She'd been married twice before as well and, lucky for me, she was "marriage minded" just like me.

I completely say "go for it". He sounds terrific, just like what my wife and I thought of each other. Please don't be too scared to take this step, to the right person, marriage can be absolutely GREAT and BEAUTIFUL......just ask wife and I after 17 years of marriage. We've had our little "ups and downs", but many, many more "ups" than downs. Marriages aren't perfect, but a simple "I'm sorry, I do love you" continued with "we can talk about this" and a great hug/kiss afterwards definitely works (for us anyway).

 

[Ronni]

If you're absolutely 100% positive that he's the one that you'd like to spend the rest of your life with, go for it......since you apparently have a few doubts (see above ?'s) and are not yet 100% positive then I'd date awhile longer and see how things go.

It's your call but I certainly wouldn't rush into anything if you have any doubts.

We talked about it a little bit after he dropped this bombshell. He wasn't pushy at ALL...it's just not his style. But he did suggest a long engagement as a way to ease into this, give us more time .. well me actually, he said he doesn't need it, he's sure ... give me more time to adjust to the idea or work my through it to a point of knowing 100% that I do or I don't.

I don't want to lead him on. I don't want to take up his time to then decide that no, marriage again isn't for me, though if I had been looking for a marriage partner I couldn't find anyone better, more compatible, kinder, sweeter, more loving or giving. The doubts I have aren't about him at all, they're about me and being fickle or blowing hot then cold.

My previous two relationships were ended by me. I thought a lot of both men, and had considered both relationships as long term commitments and wasn't interested in looking elsewhere, but my feelings for them just cooled over time. It was hurtful for both of them when I ended things, though as I said it was ultimately an amicable split and I'm still friendly with both men one of whom has gone on to another long term relationship. She's a lovely woman and I'm very happy for him.

What if my feelings for Ron cool? I mean, what if we're married and I cool off towards him? I don't know that they will, I certainly can't get an INKLING of feeling anything other than the way I do right now. But at one point with the other two relationships I would have told you the same thing. Am I just fickle? Inconsistent? Shallow? Hmmm....I appreciate y'all listening...clearly I'm working my way through this.

 

[terry123]

Go for it!! Have a long engagement if that will help you feel better. I envy you a great deal. Would love to be in your situation.

 

[Lara]

I saw that picture of the two of you having fun (over in the "Hair" thread) and I thought you were already married. You just seem like a great fit. I want to say, "marry him" but there's one thing...

I wouldn't overthink all the what if's in the future BUT I also wouldn't rule out one practical issue. I know someone who is contemplating marriage to someone who has a lot of debt. She has no debt.

They have been madly in love for years but she's afraid she may be implicated in his debt (upon death) if she signs a legal marriage license...laws regarding that are probably different in each state. She doesn't have her name on any of his stuff but it's a red flag none-the-less for her. I think she just want's to stay engaged forever :love_heart:

 

[dkay]

Wishing all the best for you. I understand about all the baggage etc. especially if you've been in an abusive relationship before. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement. Use the time to work on unloading the baggage, him too if he has any. I think it's so unfair to have the "sins" of former relationships visited upon a new relationship. Also, if there are any deal breakers for you, don't overlook those (such as excessive gambling, porn, alcohol/drug abuse, child/spousal abuse etc...things that you know you won't tolerate). Accept him as he is, not who you wish he would be.

I'll not say I'll never get married again but for me the prospects aren't looking too good. So if you think you have a chance at happiness, take it. None of us have any guarantees that we will even be here tomorrow.

 

[SeaBreeze]

Ronni, I think it's great that he proposed marriage, he seems like a good guy and you two make a wonderful couple. It's good that you're both open and comfortable in talking to each other about things, you've already let him know your uncertainty about marriage and how your feelings may change about him in the future. Wise to get it all out front and in the open.

I would have a long engagement like he and others suggested if I were you, or better yet, live together so you're with each other every day and night as if you were legally married. We lived together for a couple of years before we had our wedding, and we've been happily married over forty years now.

Just from what you shared, everything 'feels' good to me, try to bury those old relationships, I think you're giving them too much power in your life. The past is gone, lessons learned. The present is precious for us, especially at our ages. The future can be warm and wonderful for you, don't be afraid to give it a chance. Wishing a bright future for the both of you and lots of happiness together. :love_heart:

 

[CindyLouWho]

Ronni, I think it's great that he proposed marriage, he seems like a good guy and you two make a wonderful couple. It's good that you're both open and comfortable in talking to each other about things, you've already let him know your uncertainty about marriage and how your feelings may change about him in the future. Wise to get it all out front and in the open.

I would have a long engagement like he and others suggested if I were you, or better yet, live together so you're with each other every day and night as if you were legally married. We lived together for a couple of years before we had our wedding, and we've been happily married over forty years now.

Just from what you shared, everything 'feels' good to me, try to bury those old relationships, I think you're giving them too much power in your life. The past is gone, lessons learned. The present is precious for us, especially at our ages. The future can be warm and wonderful for you, don't be afraid to give it a chance. Wishing a bright future for the both of you and lots of happiness together. :love_heart:

So well said, Seabreeze.
I agree with a little longer engagement. If it's meant to be he will still be there. That way you can get to know him better and when and if you feel it's 100% right, then maybe get married at that point. Listen to your instincts.

 

[Wren]

Personally I wouldn’t, not without living together a good while first, good luck and I wish you happiness whatever you decide

 

[RadishRose]

I agree with Wren. I also wish you the best!

 

[C'est Moi]

Personally I wouldn’t, not without living together a good while first, good luck and I wish you happiness whatever you decide

I agree with Wren. I also wish you the best!

Ditto. I always said if anything were to happen to my hubby (God forbid), I'd remain single. Don't want to train another one! But it's a personal thing so just take your time and enjoy the relationship no matter where it goes.

 

[Knight]

If Ron died tomorrow would you have regrets? Are any of these part of what you are experiencing with Ron?

Quote
"He was emotionally, mentally, verbally, financially and sexually abusive, finally becoming physically abusive when I told him I was leaving him."

If not then fear of what might happen is not a good way to live.

 

[Ronni]

If Ron died tomorrow would you have regrets?

Huh...what a great question! Yeah, actually I'd regret not having eked out as much time as I could with him.

Are any of these part of what you are experiencing with Ron?

Quote
"He was emotionally, mentally, verbally, financially and sexually abusive, finally becoming physically abusive when I told him I was leaving him."

Not in the least! My ex's abuse started almost immediately, but I was young and naive and clueless, so I didn't see it for what it was for the longest time..part of the reason it took me so long to leave. I figured the negative stuff was the anomaly, the charming and charismatic man was the norm. I had it backwards. He showed me repeatedly and chronically WHO he actually was. I thought I should just be trying harder. :upset:

I recognize that a year isn't a long time in which to get to know someone, but part of healing from the abuse and degradation was a thorough education in the dynamic of it, the personality type capable of such control and domination, the warning signs, red flags etc. I have become adept in recognizing them. Ron so far has exhibited none of them. Not even a pink flag So I'm not concerned at this point about that kind of behavior. If I'd seen ANYTHING I'd have long since ended the relationship. I will not go there again.

fear of what might happen is not a good way to live.

I agree completely. I lived that way for most of my adult life until I left my ex. It was a wretched, awful and horrible way to live and I won't subject myself to that again.

 

[gennie]

Two pieces of advice from personal experience: don't mingle money and - if either of you have children or if your assets and personal finances are not balanced - do a pre-nup. Then follow your heart.

 

[Ronni]

Go for it!! Have a long engagement if that will help you feel better. I envy you a great deal. Would love to be in your situation.

Thank you for this. It's humbled me.

Here I am worrying about all the what ifs, not even thinking how lucky I am to be with a wonderful man who loves me enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, who cherishes me, a man my kids really like, the same way I feel about his daughters!

So...thank you for putting this in perspective.

 

[ClassicRockr]

Thank you for this. It's humbled me.

Here I am worrying about all the what ifs, not even thinking how lucky I am to be with a wonderful man who loves me enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, who cherishes me, a man my kids really like, the same way I feel about his daughters!

So...thank you for putting this in perspective.

Now, go tell him "yes, yes, yes"!!

And, BTW, I wouldn't even think of splitting the finances up or doing a pre-nup. Millionaires do that stuff. Wife and I share all finances and have never/ever had a problem. No pre-nup either...…..nonsense. We totally trust each other.

 

[C'est Moi]

Now, go tell him "yes, yes, yes"!!

And, BTW, I wouldn't even think of splitting the finances up or doing a pre-nup. Millionaires do that stuff. Wife and I share all finances and have never/ever had a problem. No pre-nup either...…..nonsense. We totally trust each other.

Sorry, but at this stage of life the best thing is to hang on to your security. Don't be blinded by love; things can take a turn you never expect. Keep control of your money and assets.

 

[RadishRose]

Sorry, but at this stage of life the best thing is to hang on to your security. Don't be blinded by love; things can take a turn you never expect. Keep control of your money and assets.

It's best to keep a few grand aside, or at least whatever you can. Say nothing except to a very trusted child or other family member. Classic Rocker and his wife are lucky, but a woman our age is better off having a little something for an emergency.

 

[applecruncher]

I saw that picture of the two of you having fun (over in the "Hair" thread) and I thought you were already married. You just seem like a great fit. I want to say, "marry him" but there's one thing...

I wouldn't overthink all the what if's in the future BUT I also wouldn't rule out one practical issue. I know someone who is contemplating marriage to someone who has a lot of debt. She has no debt.

They have been madly in love for years but she's afraid she may be implicated in his debt (upon death) if she signs a legal marriage license...laws regarding that are probably different in each state. She doesn't have her name on any of his stuff but it's a red flag none-the-less for her. I think she just want's to stay engaged forever :love_heart:

This...for practical reasons. You should know each other's financial situation.

 

[Ronni]

I agree about the financial stuff. I have no debt myself, and I sure don't want that burden later in life. As far as I know, Ron has no debt either, other than his house, which he bought after he and his wife divorced a few years ago.

I'm a practical sort, and so my mind has already been whirling with many different scenarios regarding our future. He has two daughters and a couple of grandkids so far, and I've already thought about what if he were to pre-decease me? What does his will say? I certainly don't want to suddenly be homeless if we're living in his house, but he left it to the kids, and they want it/want to sell it. Does he have any kind of long term care in place should he become incapacitated and I can't care for him? There's a lot to think about in our future...things that don't even occur to you when you marry young, because you're completely involved with having a home, starting a family etc., appropriately so.

But it's a different ballgame, an entirely different set of rules and what ifs when you marry at our age. :eewwk:

 

[AprilSun]

I say follow your "gut instinct". If you have doubts, wait until those doubts are gone. Don't rush it. Just keep dating and enjoying each other rather than rushing in to anything.

 

[Catlady]

@ Ronni = Marriage is important the first time out if you plan on having children, to make them ''legit''. When you're past 50-60 and no longer want to procreate, why bother getting married? Society is a lot more lax now, you will no longer be ostracized if you live ''in sin''. Just live together as husband and wife, no need for the paperwork. Then, if it doesn't work out, each of you can just walk away without any baggage or legal expense to worry about. After the children issue is out of the way, marriage is overrated.

 

[Ronni]

I appreciate so much all your advice, suggestions, wisdom. I'm so glad I'm here and have this great resource and access to such diversity of opinions and input!! :love_heart:

Ron and I talked a lot over the weekend. It's so funny, the idea of getting married when I was younger had me all fluttery, thinking about hearts and flowers and kids and romance, the thousand thoughts of a wedding and a dress and all that pomp and circumstance.....and definitely let's not forget the lust that comes with a new love!

So different to consider it at this age. Certainly it involves my heart, because the ONLY reason I am even considering the idea of marriage again is because of my deep feelings for Ron. I never expected to feel this way again after becoming so thoroughly disillusioned about relationships after my disaster of a marriage. But there are many practicalities too...finances and health and debt and house and the myriad of potential problems that can arise due to advanced age. I mean, when you're young you think you're gonna live forever!!! But at this age, at least for Ron and me, there is the strong recognition of our mortality.....without being in the least morbid about it, just the practical realization that we have less time ahead of us than we do behind us.

We decided to become engaged. But he also understands that I really need to take this in stages, that I might never actually get there as far as marriage is concerned. Still, I really LIKE the idea of being engaged. Even though we've both been committed and exclusive and dedicated to this relationship for some time now, still the idea of making it "official" has some appeal to me. And he really likes that too.

Now he's looking for a ring. Oh my! :love_heart: