My husband is a narcissistic person.

fancicoffee13 said:
We are separated, he came over to get mail and as usual, you NEVER know when that other side will come out! He said some pretty awful things to me, and of course, I stood up to the remarks. But, afterwards, after he is gone, I just find it unbelieveable that he could say such things to someone he claims to love wo much. I guess he had been searching for just the right thing to say in order to hurt me to the core. Well, he make it. And then later he calls and tells me some information he thinks I could benefit from, and in my mind I am wondering if he has any heart or conscience at all. This time he really hurt me a lot. But, I will be ok, I am going to a place that listens and helps me a lot, professionally.
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Sorry to hear this.

I am a firm believer that we only truly have control over ourselves. We also get to decide what information, words, thoughts etc. get to enter our minds. We give people permission inside ourselves, and you can decide to simply shut him out. Let him say whatever he wants. It doesn't really matter, unless you let it in. Don't try and understand it, don't try to evaluate it. He's not worthy of consideration, so just let it go.

As for narcissists, I don't know if they can change. But at our time of life, there's no time to wait it out and find out. Sorry, but I have more years in the rear view mirror than I do looking ahead, someone like this - someone who intentionally wants to hurt someone else - simply isn't worth my time, nor the effort to either correct or understand.

Starve the guy of oxygen. Meaning, when he says something hurtful, don't let it in. Shrug your shoulders, nod your head, say "yeah, I know", whatever you need to do to pass through the moment and get him out the door. When he's gone, press the DEL key. You won't change him, you can't change him. He simply wants you to make the effort.

If he's coming for his mail, either get it redirected, or be super-prepared. I mean, he doesn't need to come in the house to get his mail. Wrap it up, hand it over, and say goodbye.

Goodness me. At our age (this is an aged person forum, after all), it beggars belief that these people think we're going to value they negativity. If they haven't learned by now, they're not going to. Remain in control, remain aloof if need be. Let him rot. Because you know he IS rotting, rolling all this angst around and around his head.
 
VaughanJB said:
Sorry to hear this.

I am a firm believer that we only truly have control over ourselves. We also get to decide what information, words, thoughts etc. get to enter our minds. We give people permission inside ourselves, and you can decide to simply shut him out. Let him say whatever he wants. It doesn't really matter, unless you let it in. Don't try and understand it, don't try to evaluate it. He's not worthy of consideration, so just let it go.

As for narcissists, I don't know if they can change. But at our time of life, there's no time to wait it out and find out. Sorry, but I have more years in the rear view mirror than I do looking ahead, someone like this - someone who intentionally wants to hurt someone else - simply isn't worth my time, nor the effort to either correct or understand.

Starve the guy of oxygen. Meaning, when he says something hurtful, don't let it in. Shrug your shoulders, nod your head, say "yeah, I know", whatever you need to do to pass through the moment and get him out the door. When he's gone, press the DEL key. You won't change him, you can't change him. He simply wants you to make the effort.

If he's coming for his mail, either get it redirected, or be super-prepared. I mean, he doesn't need to come in the house to get his mail. Wrap it up, hand it over, and say goodbye.

Goodness me. At our age (this is an aged person forum, after all), it beggars belief that these people think we're going to value they negativity. If they haven't learned by now, they're not going to. Remain in control, remain aloof if need be. Let him rot. Because you know he IS rotting, rolling all this angst around and around his head.
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That's what I do now. Just listen, and more listening and then say good bye. I have reached out and got professional help and he will never change. It is a cycle that never stops. So, I have said good bye. And, yes, I will redirect his mail and whatever else.
 

fancicoffee13 said:
That's what I do now. Just listen, and more listening and then say good bye. I have reached out and got professional help and he will never change. It is a cycle that never stops. So, I have said good bye. And, yes, I will redirect his mail and whatever else.
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Good for you! Habits and preferences can change, but personalities at our time of life? Not happening. Usually these people have gotten away with it for too long as people accommodate (and usually eventually distance themselves from) their problem. Sounds like you made a mistake, but don't crucify yourself over it. You made a mistake, you corrected the mistake, all you can do now is get on with it. Give yourself a treat today, feel good. :)
 
VaughanJB said:
Good for you! Habits and preferences can change, but personalities at our time of life? Not happening. Usually these people have gotten away with it for too long as people accommodate (and usually eventually distance themselves from) their problem. Sounds like you made a mistake, but don't crucify yourself over it. You made a mistake, you corrected the mistake, all you can do now is get on with it. Give yourself a treat today, feel good. :)
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All of that is true, and I pull myself up by my bootstraps and go on forward. I'm a positive person and learn by mistakes. Thank you.
 
I was married to a an abusive narcissist for 30+ years. Narcissism is a mental health disorder that is incurable. While we all at times can become self focused, it’s acute and occasional. Narcissists on the other hand view life through the flawed lens of believing unequivocally that they are better than anyone else, and that view affects their lives and relationships.

I’ve learned a hard won, lifelong lesson about narcissists. If a narcissist actually does or says things or behaves in any way that benefits me, it’s ONLY because there’s greater benefit to the narcissist in the act or statement.

That it’s a plus for me is entirely incidental and accidental. He hasn’t turned over a new leaf, or become more compassionate, or changed in any fundamental way or become a good person. Even if it’s not obvious in the moment, the narcissist is deriving benefit from his action or behavior and that is the ONLY reason for it. It’s not about me. It’s NEVER about me. And never will be.
 
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Ronni said:
I was married to a an abusive narcissist for 30+ years. Narcissism is a mental health disorder that is incurable. While we all at times can become self focused, it’s acute and occasional. Narcissists on the other hand view life through the flawed lens of believing unequivocally that they are better than anyone else, and that view affects their lives and relationships.

I’ve learned a hard won, lifelong lesson about narcissists. If a narcissist actually does or says things or behaves in any way that benefits me, it’s ONLY because there’s greater benefit to the narcissist in the act or statement.

That it’s a plus for me is entirely incidental and accidental. He hasn’t turned over a new leaf, or become more compassionate, or changed in any fundamental way or become a good person. Even if it’s not obvious in the moment, the narcissist is deriving benefit from his action or behavior and that is the ONLY reason for it. It’s not about me. It’s NEVER about me. And never will be.
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I got professional help in studying depression and in the process found out during the "counseling" session that my husband will never change, it is an ongoing cycle. She said he will never, never change no matter what. I got it and now I am going on with my life. Just not knowing what is going on and not knowing what to do kept me hanging in there, walking on eggshells, and etc. But, now I know and knowledge is power and I know what to do. Thank you so much.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
We are separated, he came over to get mail and as usual, you NEVER know when that other side will come out! He said some pretty awful things to me, and of course, I stood up to the remarks. But, afterwards, after he is gone, I just find it unbelieveable that he could say such things to someone he claims to love wo much. I guess he had been searching for just the right thing to say in order to hurt me to the core. Well, he make it. And then later he calls and tells me some information he thinks I could benefit from, and in my mind I am wondering if he has any heart or conscience at all. This time he really hurt me a lot. But, I will be ok, I am going to a place that listens and helps me a lot, professionally.
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How terrible for you. I know it is hard but you must calm down, take time to think. This shock and upset is very very hard.
 
I have read this entire thread, and everyone keeps talking about how MEN are so bad. Can we all agree that SOME women can be just as bad ? Women CAN be killers, drug dealers, child abusers, and outright horrible humans. JimB.
 
jimintoronto said:
I have read this entire thread, and everyone keeps talking about how MEN are so bad. Can we all agree that SOME women can be just as bad ? Women CAN be killers, drug dealers, child abusers, and outright horrible humans. JimB.
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You are right on. They can be.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
We are separated, he came over to get mail and as usual, you NEVER know when that other side will come out! He said some pretty awful things to me, and of course, I stood up to the remarks. But, afterwards, after he is gone, I just find it unbelieveable that he could say such things to someone he claims to love wo much.
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Sadly, people can do this. Even people who appear to be nice, honorable people.

That’s just the way they are: They have convinced themselves that their behavior is not only NOT WRONG, but that it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. Go figure.
 
Brookswood said:
Sadly, people can do this. Even people who appear to be nice, honorable people.

That’s just the way they are: They have convinced themselves that their behavior is not only NOT WRONG, but that it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. Go figure.
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You are so right! And they do not think they need any help, everyone else does. Go figure. Crazy!
 
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