My husband,(/wife), "didn't really know me", (or knew me too well?)!

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
We often hear after a relationship breakdown that someone says they believe their former partner, "didn't really know me"!

Although there must be something in that, (can't remember if my ex said it, but it would certainly true I didn't know her in the sense of what she was capable of when wishing to exit the marriage etc.!).

I'd guess, though my ex must have known pretty much what I was all about, as I'm an "open book", " wear my heart on my sleeve" type, with very little going on in my head anyway, it would also be true she hadn't gotten everything weighed up about me, (things said ten years after the split, like I was still pining for her indicate this! :) ).

What would you say generally, do folks know one another well before they marry, or "inside out", after they do?
 

It depends very much on how long a couple have known each other. At first, we tend to be on our best behaviour because we want to make a good impression. You can't keep up the pretence for long though. I think seeing someone with their family will tell you a lot about their true selves.
I was living abroad when I met my husband and didn't see him with his family until after we married. I realised then what a big mistake I had made and why he had married me. While we were in Africa, he behaved like the man he could be but afterwards, he behaved like the man he chose to be. The man his family had made him.
My parents were very unpleasant people and I saw marriage as a way to escape from them. I quickly realised how stupid that was and I've regretted it ever since.
Oddly enough, I spent time in a refuge for abused women and one of the assistants told me that escaping from parents was the most common reason why young women married the wrong man!
(By the way, I'm not African, I'm English but have spent time living in Africa).
 

Lavinia said:
It depends very much on how long a couple have known each other. At first, we tend to be on our best behaviour because we want to make a good impression. You can't keep up the pretence for long though. I think seeing someone with their family will tell you a lot about their true selves.
I was living abroad when I met my husband and didn't see him with his family until after we married. I realised then what a big mistake I had made and why he had married me. While we were in Africa, he behaved like the man he could be but afterwards, he behaved like the man he chose to be. The man his family had made him.
My parents were very unpleasant people and I saw marriage as a way to escape from them. I quickly realised how stupid that was and I've regretted it ever since.
Oddly enough, I spent time in a refuge for abused women and one of the assistants told me that escaping from parents was the most common reason why young women married the wrong man!
(By the way, I'm not African, I'm English but have spent time living in Africa).
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I do think I know what you mean about your reason for marrying, but at the same time I'd suggest there would probably be more reasons that went into the mix somewhere, (did he want children, and you had the same desire, as was certainly the case before I married and of course when planning a family etc., whilst my then wife was still young enough not to worry too much about some of the issues that come later?).

However, our naivety catches us out pretty quickly doesn't it, as within two years of being married my wife made me feel I wasn't that important to her in the great scheme of things you could say, though she still wanted my child, (as she had told me she did within the first six months after I met her).
 
Wife couldn't possibly have known me. We married 3 weeks after I met her. (the junkyard story). 😲 Had she known the demons and all the baggage I carried with me, I doubt she'd have jumped into this marriage. But then again, I guess she saw through all that and knew I was to be the one. (y)
50 years this year has proven her correct. ❤️
 
squatting dog said:
Wife couldn't possibly have known me. We married 3 weeks after I met her. (the junkyard story). 😲 Had she known the demons and all the baggage I carried with me, I doubt she'd have jumped into this marriage. But then again, I guess she saw through all that and knew I was to be the one. (y)
50 years this year has proven her correct. ❤️
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My uncle told his future wife, (my mums sister), she was the one for him the first time they met, though it took a few years courtship before they married.

My father and mother had a seven and a half year courtship, (though mum still didn't know what she was getting into I'd say, ditto my dad, though they went on to form a great team!).

However, my dad said the first time my mother laid eyes on him, when she was fifteen (and he eighteen), she had a very strange reaction in that she bumped he head, moving it backwards and hitting the wood panelling in the church hall).

"Obviously love struck wasn't she, and apparently he was unable to shoot straight, and couldn't supplement his income with rabbits sold in the local town, (remember this was a time when fresh meat was scarce and expensive!).
 
My husband and I immediately fell in love the day we met. I was 15 and he was 16. We both were dating someone else. He broke up with his girlfriend and then asked me to dance. The song was Running Scared and when were dancing he said that I fit perfectly in his arms. I broke up with my boyfriend the next day. That was in 1961 then we married in 1966 and THANKFULLY are still together. I wouldn't want to spend one day alive without him.
 
Sassycakes said:
My husband and I immediately fell in love the day we met. I was 15 and he was 16. We both were dating someone else. He broke up with his girlfriend and then asked me to dance. The song was Running Scared and when were dancing he said that I fit perfectly in his arms. I broke up with my boyfriend the next day. That was in 1961 then we married in 1966 and THANKFULLY are still together. I wouldn't want to spend one day alive without him.
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My own brother chose to go out with the woman who became his wife, when she was already seeing someone else, (though I'm not sure how serious their relationship was, if you see what I mean).

He had had a number of girlfriends beforehand, some of them "serious" you could say, (in that it "played with his head when they broke up" - one being broken up by the girls mother who didn't like the prospect of him as a son in law).

Anyway, all well that ends well, and five kids later, and thirty odd years since they married, ("not in that order"), they're still happily married. :)
 
We met at 15, once we could drive we saw each other everyday at school and I spent a great deal of time at his house. I not only fell in love with this boy, I fell in love with his family. Not just his immediate family but Aunt, Uncles and cousins. I was introduced to their priest, nuns who often came for dinner. There was so much love and respect for everyone. They never met a stranger and all were welcome. They did not have money but always seemed to have enough to feed anyone who stopped by. All my husband's friends loved his family and were there to help with anything they needed. That is when you truly know a person, by being there and seeing who they are in all situations. How their family deals with day to day regular life and problems. I saw it all and I wanted to be a part of it. I have never regretted that decision. I was blessed that he chose me and they also loved me
 
grahamg said:
We often hear after a relationship breakdown that someone says they believe their former partner, "didn't really know me"!

Although there must be something in that, (can't remember if my ex said it, but it would certainly true I didn't know her in the sense of what she was capable of when wishing to exit the marriage etc.!).

I'd guess, though my ex must have known pretty much what I was all about, as I'm an "open book", " wear my heart on my sleeve" type, with very little going on in my head anyway, it would also be true she hadn't gotten everything weighed up about me, (things said ten years after the split, like I was still pining for her indicate this! :) ).

What would you say generally, do folks know one another well before they marry, or "inside out", after they do?
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No... folks don't truly know each other when they marry. When you marry, (depending on how long you stay married) you get to meet several people in the marriage being that we change/grow in the marriage. This is why a lot of marriages don't last - they wake up and think, who is this stranger... :ROFLMAO: :unsure: I barely knew myself when I married at 24 yrs young- my hubby was 22. We were pretty young. However, we are hanging in there...38 years.
 
Ladybj said:
No... folks don't truly know each other when they marry. When you marry, (depending on how long you stay married) you get to meet several people in the marriage being that we change/grow in the marriage. This is why a lot of marriages don't last - they wake up and think, who is this stranger... :ROFLMAO: :unsure: I barely knew myself when I married at 24 yrs young- my hubby was 22. We were pretty young. However, we are hanging in there...38 years.
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Not even childhood sweetheart, those who knew one another from their "first school" days? :)
 
Blessed said:
Yes people do change in marriage but if the foundation is strong the house will stand.
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Undoubtedly people do change, (they could hardly not do so if they're young when they marry, as they're bound to grow up, or mature a little aren't they).
Strong foundations are important too, for a marriage to last, that can hardly be challenged either, but here I'd suggest there maybe are questions to be asked, perhaps of the whole of society in western countries at least.
If belief in the institution of marriage is waning, and belief in whether or not young people expect to make a lifelong commitment to someone they wish to marry, two fundamentals are likely to be missing compared with former times!
 
I suspect that either of my late wives knew me better than I know me. On the other hand, they both remained a loving mystery to me.
 
Maturity usually brings changes in thoughts, goals and perception and people mature at different rates (some never do). What is important at age 20 is often entirely different at 40.
 

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