My Only Son (or child)

Moon Rat

Moon Rat

Member
My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.

A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.

So now, I don't know if I want to make this change or not. Think about your position and where you are in life, would you up and move and have to start all over again with making new friends (men and women), a new church, new doctors, new dentist, learning where everything is located and everything else that goes along with making such a drastic move?

I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?
 

In my opinion renting is not the answer. Three months is not enough time to form a life like you have
At your age, stay where you are for a few more years and visit
Live the life you have now.
There will come a time when you will need family support, then it is good to be close and time to make your move.
 

Moon Rat said:
My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.

A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.

So now, I don't know if I want to make this change or not. Think about your position and where you are in life, would you up and move and have to start all over again with making new friends (men and women), a new church, new doctors, new dentist, learning where everything is located and everything else that goes along with making such a drastic move?

I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?
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Maybe have a chat with your son and grandchildren who are already settled there and should be able to give a view on what you could expect if you moved to Hawaii and whether local services are good and if there are things for you to do.

At 59 years old, you are not too old. Moving to Hawaii may not be the right choice for you but, if you decide it is, then do it. :)
 
It’s a difficult decision.

If it was me, I would try to find an efficiency apartment/hotel room away from the tourist areas that I could rent for an extended stay each year. In a few years you should be able to get a feel for the situation and then decide if it is right for you.

I wouldn’t set my expectations too high on family time. Your family all have busy lives that haven’t included grandpa. Holidays will be fun, but I’m afraid that most of the time you will be on your own.

Good luck!
 
Moon Rat said:
My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.

A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.

So now, I don't know if I want to make this change or not. Think about your position and where you are in life, would you up and move and have to start all over again with making new friends (men and women), a new church, new doctors, new dentist, learning where everything is located and everything else that goes along with making such a drastic move?

I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?
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Do that very thing.. renting for 6 months is an excellent idea, and one I wished we'd done before we bought our second home in Spain... but importantly if you do rent,then you must act like it's your home, and not a vacation, because you have to make a concerted effort to make friends, and join clubs etc.. 59 is no age to be not thinking of moving , you're still young, and full of energy, and can make friends easily..
 
Moon Rat said:
I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out.
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I think that is a good plan. My grandparents did the same thing when I was young and we moved to Florida, they decided to move back to Louisiana, good thing they did not buy.

One thing to think about his how permanent his move to Hawaii is, you would not want to move there and have to move back again.

Best of luck with it.
 
Moon Rat said:
So now, I don't know if I want to make this change or not. Think about your position and where you are in life, would you up and move and have to start all over again with making new friends (men and women), a new church, new doctors, new dentist, learning where everything is located and everything else that goes along with making such a drastic move?

I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?
Click to expand...
I'd rent for six months and give it an honest try with hope tilting toward it working out rather than not.

Doctors and dentists wouldn't factor into any decision about where I choose to live. They can retire, sell their practices or up and move without a moment's notice. As long as there ARE doctors and dentists in the new area, you can find some that suit your needs and personality. Same with a church.

If you were 89, I'd say maybe stay where you are, but at 59 you've presumably got a lot of years in front of you.
 
Moon Rat said:
My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.

A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.

So now, I don't know if I want to make this change or not. Think about your position and where you are in life, would you up and move and have to start all over again with making new friends (men and women), a new church, new doctors, new dentist, learning where everything is located and everything else that goes along with making such a drastic move?

I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?
Click to expand...
Stay put. He works for the FBI and they move frequently.
You are only 59, I am 79 and in the process of moving from South Carolina to be closer to my two adult children, but my son is 59 and close to retirement and my daughter is 55 and unlikely to move again as retirement approaches for her.
I you and your son were older, it would make sense to move, but you are both too young at this point. LOL, being told that you are too young is probably something you don't hear every day.
 
Pecos said:
Stay put. He works for the FBI and they move frequently.
You are only 59, I am 79 and in the process of moving from South Carolina to be closer to my two adult children, but my son is 59 and close to retirement and my daughter is 55 and unlikely to move again as retirement approaches for her.
I you and your son were older, it would make sense to move, but you are both too young at this point. LOL, being told that you are too young is probably something you don't hear every day.
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OP said:
Moon Rat said:
A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put.
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Sounds to me like his son and his son's children have decided to remain in Hawaii. Who could blame them?
 
Moon Rat said:
I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?
Click to expand...
In person and online several(or many) retired people simply went on vacation, they thought, to another country, for a couple months.
They decided to move when the time was up,
because their health improved so much in the new area. (food they were able to get every day, they no longer needed the medicine they needed in the usa)
 
No mention of financial ability to pack up to go to Hawaii & buy a home. Only you know what is doable & not something that should be shared online.

A little Googling found this. There are currently 5,596 homes for sale in Hawaii. The median list price in Hawaii is $825,000 and the average price per square foot is $674.

17 years apart means your son & family are living their lives in a way that is comfortable for them. Taking time to see how you might fit in rather than just packing up & going to live close to them "if possible" is a risk.

Asking for opinions is reasonable. I think the best opinions so far are to take a few months to stay to see what works for all concerned.
 
Moon Rat said:
My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.

A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.

So now, I don't know if I want to make this change or not. Think about your position and where you are in life, would you up and move and have to start all over again with making new friends (men and women), a new church, new doctors, new dentist, learning where everything is located and everything else that goes along with making such a drastic move?

I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?
Click to expand...
Since you have been geographically separated from him for 17 years, I'm not sure the move is 'necessary.' If you were older and/or struggling with physical or financial problems, then there might be merit. But, it seems you have an established and contented life.

My only child lives around the block, but wants to move 500 miles away at some point. She already bought a property with two houses and offered one to me. In my case, since I am older and she is all I have, I may consider it.
 
My grand nephew and his two boys moved from Hawaii about three years ago. Also my upstairs neighbor's son and his wife moved back here from there a couple of years ago. I understand the cost of living is high there, so that's also something to consider. I understand how you must feel. My son wanted to move to Atlanta a few years ago but my DIL (now deceased) wasn't for it (she'd lose pension) and ultimately he realized he needs to stay close to his children. I would have dreaded it if they moved. Like you, he's my only child.

Also like you, I would have to consider my doctors. I have a wonderful team of doctors right now. I absolutely love my PCP. Also where I live has a walk score of 98 and it's also an area with great public transportation. You have quite the conundrum. Perhaps trying it out for three months is not an ideal solution, but it's better than not trying it at all I guess. Being there would give you the opportunity to scout out houses, which you can also do online but in person might be better. Who would watch your house while you're gone? Perhaps making a list of the pros and cons would help.
 
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If you had sounded excited about moving there I would have said try it. It does not sound like you really want to leave your home and friends where you are. You are younger than me but no matter what your age is do not move somewhere and then be stuck there and lose what you had where you were.
 
Aunt Bea said:
It’s a difficult decision.

If it was me, I would try to find an efficiency apartment/hotel room away from the tourist areas that I could rent for an extended stay each year. In a few years you should be able to get a feel for the situation and then decide if it is right for you.

I wouldn’t set my expectations too high on family time. Your family all have busy lives that haven’t included grandpa. Holidays will be fun, but I’m afraid that most of the time you will be on your own.

Good luck!
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I think Aunt Bea makes a good point. I'd bring it up on the phone with your son, were I you. What are their lives like, during typical weeks? How will you fit in? What would their expectations, and yours, be?

I also think it's a good idea, after that conversation, to stay in Hawaii for a few months to see how you like it, and to see how you fit in with your family. I don't know how to avoid it, but you can't be treated like a guest/visitor to get a true picture of what your life will be like.

Also a good idea to check out churches, groups to join, try to make some friends, see how you like it there. You don't want to be alone most of the time, and it's good to feel like you fit in and have friends to do things with, aside from your family.

These are not my good ideas - they were already posted on this thread. I'm agreeing with them, is all. Also, I was having trouble making the reply function work, and now that it has, I don't want to mess it up by multi-quoting.

I am moving to another state in August, and I hate leaving my doctors, all of whom have proven themselves to be trustworthy. I am going to ask my current docs if they can recommend anyone in their fields who practice near where I'll be. Not their medical school roommate ... docs they would trust to care for themselves and their families. Luckily I will live sort of near a large medical school.
 
My daughter's lives about 15 minutes away and just today asked if I could come take care of her animals when they go on vacation.

So that's me driving over every morning and evening, walking both her dogs, socializing with her four cats, feed, water, clean liter boxes, clean yard poop. Repeat for six days.

Sometimes a little distance from our kids can be a good thing, just saying.😉
 
C50 said:
My daughter's lives about 15 minutes away and just today asked if I could come take care of her animals when they go on vacation.

So that's me driving over every morning and evening, walking both her dogs, socializing with her four cats, feed, water, clean liter boxes, clean yard poop. Repeat for six days.

Sometimes a little distance from our kids can be a good thing, just saying.😉
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DH & I try to accommodate whatever favors our children ask of us, just as they do for us. We take care of their animals when they go away and they reciprocate. That's what family and close friends do for one another.
 

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