New here and would like friends

Divorce is worse than being widowed because you are also dealing with rejection. Say to yourself, "I must first respect that cheating jerk and his cheating wife before I can let myself be hurt by them". I could be mistaken but you could have legally gotten much more than just child support for his infidelity affecting you and your children.

You may still be able to do that as well as making it be retroactive by a good lawyer. Then take that money, get a good financial advisor, budget...and then take care of yourself with it and never look back. I don't know why women think it's okay to break up families while cheating with married men. Lowlife.

Welcome to the forum here. There are some members who are knowledgable with legal issues. Maybe they can help you.
 

Seeincolors said:
Hi Medusa. I’m having a little trouble navigating this site. I’m not the most tech savvy person in the world, so I’m seeing posts I didn’t know were there and out of order, etc. But, oh well…
You are exactly right about my being like a widow, but I have to watch my ex go on with his life. He killed me, but I have to keep breathing. He did not marry his new love, just built her a beautiful home and moved there with her. It helps a bit that our children have a, let’s say ”strong dislike” for her, as do his siblings and our grandchildren. People cannot figure out why he is with her and not with me. In a slightly evil way that gives me a little comfort. His loss!❤️
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I don't think anyone could blame you for a little catharsis on that point.
Yep, his loss! (y)
 
Seeincolors said:
Yes, you’re correct. I need to work on making myself my friend, because that’s the only constant! Im a good person, but for some reason I have very little self confidence. I recognize various “reasons” for these feelings in my life, but some days are harder than others to live in spite of myself. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Most days are so long! Lol
I really don’t mean to sound so fatalistic. It just feels good to sound off! Have a pleasant day.
Seeincolors
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You don't sound fatalistic, you sound like you're trying really hard... one day, one hour, one minute, one breath at a time. ♥
 

Seeincolors said:
Hi Medusa. I’m having a little trouble navigating this site. I’m not the most tech savvy person in the world, so I’m seeing posts I didn’t know were there and out of order, etc. But, oh well…
You are exactly right about my being like a widow, but I have to watch my ex go on with his life. He killed me, but I have to keep breathing. He did not marry his new love, just built her a beautiful home and moved there with her. It helps a bit that our children have a, let’s say ”strong dislike” for her, as do his siblings and our grandchildren. People cannot figure out why he is with her and not with me. In a slightly evil way that gives me a little comfort. His loss!❤️
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This was 13 years ago (right?); and you should let it go. It’s keeping you from getting on with your life.
 
@Seeincolors, your posts resonated with me because I am the son of someone like you. My mother was beautiful when she was younger, and my father loved having her as arm candy. He insisted that she be a housewife because he was very successful in supporting our family. He was always very demanding that she look a certain way, even as she got older. And she put these demands on herself as well. When she did get older she had difficulty handling it because she could no longer live up to his standards. This was a form of mental abuse in a way.

My father never cheated on her (to my knowledge) and they never divorced but when he passed away she blossomed and truly learned to enjoy life. There was no longer pressure to live up to his standards. In my humble opinion, this is what you should really be feeling now. I know your husband hasn't passed away but perhaps if you just try to put him out of your thoughts and focus on yourself, you too can move forward. Again, just my humble opinion. We are all better at giving advice to others than we are at following it ourselves.
 
dseag2 said:
@Seeincolors, your posts resonated with me because I am the son of someone like you. My mother was beautiful when she was younger, and my father loved having her as arm candy. He insisted that she be a housewife because he was very successful in supporting our family. He was always very demanding that she look a certain way, even as she got older. And she put these demands on herself as well. When she did get older she had difficulty handling it because she could no longer live up to his standards. This was a form of mental abuse in a way.

My father never cheated on her (to my knowledge) and they never divorced but when he passed away she blossomed and truly learned to enjoy life. There was no longer pressure to live up to his standards. In my humble opinion, this is what you should really be feeling now. I know your husband hasn't passed away but perhaps if you just try to put him out of your thoughts and focus on yourself, you too can move forward. Again, just my humble opinion. We are all better at giving advice to others than we are at following it ourselves.
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Thank you for your sweet and insightful comments! You are a wise man and anyone would be lucky to call you their friend!
 
Welcome to the forum. My first advice is to stop thinking of yourself as having been killed. Life is precious and you are still very much alive, just unable to really live your life because you are allowing thoughts of him to keep you in limbo.

What is an 'emergency' divorce. Dd you have representation to insure that you were treated fairly after 35 years of marriage. If so, move on, the past is past, hold your head high and simply move on! But if not, find a good attorney in a nearby city since he 'owns' your town.
 
Seeincolors said:
I’m having a little trouble navigating this site. I’m not the most tech savvy person in the world, so I’m seeing posts I didn’t know were there and out of order, etc. But, oh well…
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What happens is that, in each forum, there's a list of threads (a bunch of posts under an overall title, like this one, although there can be multiple pages in a thread). When someone replies to a thread, then that thread gets bumped to the top.

If that doesn't answer your questions, you can ask in the Forum Support and Suggestions forum:
https://www.seniorforums.com/forums/forum-support-suggestions.14/

And welcome to the forums!
 
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The best revenge is living well, although I'd care more about living well than about revenge. Jussayin.

Apropos your grown kids, keep in mind that they are grown and have their own lives now. If they're busy with their families, their jobs, their lives, well...they're grown and entitled to have their own lives. After all, wasn't that the point? To raise them to have independent and productive lives? You did your job!

Maybe assisted living would be a good idea. There are degrees of "assistance", and it sounds as though the assistance you most need is getting to/from appointments and places outside of home. Assisted living can certainly provide that. People I know or know of who really fought moving to assisted living and were finally forced into it? They can't be pried out now with a crow bar or even with 10 men and a strong horse, and their only regrets? Having waited so long to move into AL!

While you're still able, why not visit a few places? Try "A Place for Mom". It not written anywhere that you can't choose for yourself.

Finally, don't live in the past. Live in the now. We aren't going to be around as long as we've been around. We should enjoy our time. There's really nothing to be gained by endlessly ruminating about what was and what we think should have been. It's gone. Bitterness is understandable, but after 13 years? Have you tried therapy? What the heck, it can't hurt and might help a whole lot. An objective third party could be just what you need to get you pointed in the right direction so that you can move on and live a contented life.

Having re-read the above, I sound more harsh than helpful. Don't mean to be. Sorry.
 
Seeincolors said:
13 years ago I, for all practical purposes “died” when my husband of 35 years moved out. I thought he was going through a midlife crisis and would come back when he realized he wasn’t any happier alone. Instead, 6 months later he told me he was ready to make the split permanent and filed for emergency divorce. On Friday I was served papers and ordered to be in court on Monday and walked out of there divorced, with no longer the love of my life or my identity or my friends.

He had been showing all the “signs” of having an affair but vehemently denied it. I even begged my “friends” to tell me if they knew anything, and they all denied it. But they stopped calling or visiting. 2 years later he built a mansion for his girlfriend (whom he was seeing all along) on the property where we had always talked about building.

We have 3 grown children who do their best to spend time with each of us. I have met his “whore” once, at my granddaughter's high school graduation. I was civil, but that’s it.

There are so many reminders of him in this small town. He is a builder and built practically the whole town. I have developed a genuine fear of going anywhere, because I’m sick of hearing “Oh, I haven’t seen you for so long! What have you been doing with yourself?” I never know what to say- my phone number hasn’t changed, nor has my address. I have literally said to them I miss my friends, we should get together! But no calls and no visits. But I see they go out with ex and whore. I can’t offer them anything. He can do business with them.

I have vision loss and must rely on family to drive me anywhere. Lately I’ve had lots of health issues so mostly where they take me to is this or that doctor or surgery or eye injections.

I guess I’m sounding off and having a putty party, but for a long time now I can’t figure out why I’m even still alive. I guess loneliness does that to you? My kids are getting burned out by me, I feel. What makes it worse is that none of them are on the same page with me, politically, so we can’t really talk about anything. I’m 72 and feel like an expendable. Any enlightenment for me?
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It's so hard to feel ur life is meaningful n that u matter when u feel discarded by others. I could say value urself n be good to urself but those are just words. I hope u find new friends on this forum who can relate n sympathize. Ppl need each other. We need to feel someone cares if we live or die. Life is so very precious. Ur brave to reach out. I wish u better health n new friends.
 
I’m so sorry for your loss. Know that you are not alone. I am divorced after 20 years and he was a cheater also. I live in a small town and he has ran around with a lot of younger women. Then I became sick and have health issues. I turn to God who is my steadfast. You will get through your grief some how. Search for things to bring meaning to your life and joy. I’m 4 years out from leaving him.
 
dseag2 said:
@Seeincolors, your posts resonated with me because I am the son of someone like you. My mother was beautiful when she was younger, and my father loved having her as arm candy. He insisted that she be a housewife because he was very successful in supporting our family. He was always very demanding that she look a certain way, even as she got older. And she put these demands on herself as well. When she did get older she had difficulty handling it because she could no longer live up to his standards. This was a form of mental abuse in a way.

My father never cheated on her (to my knowledge) and they never divorced but when he passed away she blossomed and truly learned to enjoy life. There was no longer pressure to live up to his standards. In my humble opinion, this is what you should really be feeling now. I know your husband hasn't passed away but perhaps if you just try to put him out of your thoughts and focus on yourself, you too can move forward. Again, just my humble opinion. We are all better at giving advice to others than we are at following it ourselves.
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I agree w Dallas. There is a reason relationships require so much effort to remain successful. When young, I envisioned marriage as being a mutual commitment to each others happiness and a lifelong contract of loyalty n loving support. But so many factors in life pose a challenge to such high hopes. I've come to understand that from the time we're born each is on their own path in life. Our paths merge and transect and diverge as life progresses but it is a rare thing to walk through life with a loving companion until the end.
Those who can't accept that we all age, if we're lucky, we get to grow old, and the reality of our own mortality, might make every effort to stave off the inevitability of old age. That ur ex left ur path together for another should not feel like failure on ur part. Like others have said, success is the best revenge. Not that u need to be vengeful, but holding ur head high, being proud of ur self sufficiency, honoring a life well-lived...being ur own best friend, can only strengthen ur resolve to be content n fearless to move forward on ur path n find joy along the way in surprising ways.
Posting is new for me. I apologize if my words don't seem helpful. I only wish u happibess.
 
Denisel said:
I agree w Dallas. There is a reason relationships require so much effort to remain successful. When young, I envisioned marriage as being a mutual commitment to each others happiness and a lifelong contract of loyalty n loving support. But so many factors in life pose a challenge to such high hopes. I've come to understand that from the time we're born each is on their own path in life. Our paths merge and transect and diverge as life progresses but it is a rare thing to walk through life with a loving companion until the end.
Those who can't accept that we all age, if we're lucky, we get to grow old, and the reality of our own mortality, might make every effort to stave off the inevitability of old age. That ur ex left ur path together for another should not feel like failure on ur part. Like others have said, success is the best revenge. Not that u need to be vengeful, but holding ur head high, being proud of ur self sufficiency, honoring a life well-lived...being ur own best friend, can only strengthen ur resolve to be content n fearless to move forward on ur path n find joy along the way in surprising ways.
Posting is new for me. I apologize if my words don't seem helpful. I only wish u happiness
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Reading all the comments, I find myself agreeing with those who suggest counseling.
It must be tough to be in a small community where others know your history with your ex.
I suggest finding some new interests and some new friends, focusing on your life to come and not on what used to be. All of us have to start over again many times in this life. It takes some trial and error to find your way.
I would go back to who I was before marriage, back before men, and revisit that person you were. Get reacquainted with yourself and what your likes and dislikes are and try some new things! You have a future now--why waste it on the past?!! You are supported and encouraged here.
 
Devi said:
Well ... maybe. I find my marriage to be the easiest and closest relationship I've ever had. For us, there's nothing to "work at".

But of course there are others who aren't having the same experience.
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Well you are blessed beyond measure! So happy for you.
 


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