New member looking for answers about downsizing home and family's angry response.

O

Owasso RN

New Member
Hello, I am an RN but have had some medical problems lately that keep me from working and that has strained our budget. I am 57 and my husband is 70. We maintain a moderate sized home with an acre of land, large garden, pool, chickens etc. All of this has become too much for us and we need to downsize our expenses asap. We put our home on the market and it sold in one day. That's about when the #@&* hit the fan with our grown children. Evidently we are not allowed to make such a drastic decision without their input. Now their response is to not talk to us or help with the move. I must mention we have moved two of them just this last year. We found a new smaller home but of course no one has bothered to take a look at it. One daughter even told me how upset our grand kids are that we are selling our home. This is a financial decision for us and a difficult one. Has anyone had the same experience? I am at a loss.
 

Hello, and welcome to the group. While not having the exact problem, as I do not have children, I encountered a similar one with my niece when I began to downsize some of my possessions, especially family items. She felt SHE should have gotten some of the items that belonged to her grandmother. But I knew she would have just sold them for the cash value.
Anyway, you and your husband have to do what is right for the two of you. Especially as you are both getting older, and with medical issues. Are you able to be upfront enough to ask if they would have helped with maintanence of the of home? But, the decision was yours to make, and I think you did the right thing.

 
Hello and welcome Owasso

I can't believe some of the posts I read on here about the way members 'grown up' children behave towards them !
In my view, they should be falling over themselves to help parents who are not only aging but facing financial and health problems...

Hopefully, your health and finances will improve now you have a smaller home to run, and I wish you and your husband many happy years together
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I'm fed up to the back teeth of hearing about this snowflake self entitled generation... it seems so many of them have complete disregard for their parents, and it's heartbreaking given how much most parents have worked and slaved and done without to give their children the best possible start in life.

It often seems to me the more some people do for their kids the less they're thought of ...and treated with contempt.

Owasso... heartbreaking as this is to you, and shocking given that even recently you were still doing as much as possible for your adult kids, to be treated like this means you have to start putting you and your husband first. Go ahead do what's best for you... You've given your life for them, they're giving only upset and drama to you just when you need their support the most....You've done your best for them you can do no more, now in the autumn of your life you have to think of Number 1

Do what you need to do..despite them..see how long before they can hold out without your help when they need it ..and good luck, you really don't need the stress!!
 
Welcome, Owasso! So sorry to hear about the problem with your kids.

hollydolly said:
I'm fed up to the back teeth of hearing about this snowflake self entitled generation... it seems so many of them have complete disregard for their parents, and it's heartbreaking given how much most parents have worked and slaved and done without to give their children the best possible start in life.

It often seems to me the more some people do for their kids the less they're thought of ...and treated with contempt.

Owasso... heartbreaking as this is to you, and shocking given that even recently you were still doing as much as possible for your adult kids, to be treated like this means you have to start putting you and your husband first. Go ahead do what's best for you... You've given your life for them, they're giving only upset and drama to you just when you need their support the most....You've done your best for them you can do no more, now in the autumn of your life you have to think of Number 1

Do what you need to do..despite them..see how long before they can hold out without your help when they need it ..and good luck, you really don't need the stress!!
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Truer words have never been spoken. I see this right and left.
 
Owasso RN said:
Hello, I am an RN but have had some medical problems lately that keep me from working and that has strained our budget. I am 57 and my husband is 70. We maintain a moderate sized home with an acre of land, large garden, pool, chickens etc. All of this has become too much for us and we need to downsize our expenses asap. We put our home on the market and it sold in one day. That's about when the #@&* hit the fan with our grown children. Evidently we are not allowed to make such a drastic decision without their input. Now their response is to not talk to us or help with the move. I must mention we have moved two of them just this last year. We found a new smaller home but of course no one has bothered to take a look at it. One daughter even told me how upset our grand kids are that we are selling our home. This is a financial decision for us and a difficult one. Has anyone had the same experience? I am at a loss.
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I don't understand why they would be upset. It's a necessary move.
I had to downsize as well to an apartment.
My only advice. Don't take all that stuff with you unless you have storage.

I'm still giving stuff away. Your family will come around in time.
 
I agree with what HollyDolly said above. You have a right to make decisions that are right for you, and your children do not have the right to interfere.

Perhaps they were looking forward to the proceeds of the house as their inheritance, which is greedy and terribly unfair to you Don't let them get you down. Just because we get older doesn't mean we lose the right to make decisions for ourselves and do what it best for ourselves -- regardless of what others think. I would, however, remember this the next time one of them expects help from you.
 
Butterfly said:
I agree with what HollyDolly said above. You have a right to make decisions that are right for you, and your children do not have the right to interfere.

Perhaps they were looking forward to the proceeds of the house as their inheritance, which is greedy and terribly unfair to you Don't let them get you down. Just because we get older doesn't mean we lose the right to make decisions for ourselves and do what it best for ourselves -- regardless of what others think. I would, however, remember this the next time one of them expects help from you.
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I agree. Do what is best for you and your husband!
 
Agree with Butterfly - they are mad because they want the proceeds of the house for their inheritance. Sheer piggish greed. :mad: I wouldn't lift a finger to help them with anything nor would I give them a dime if they asked for financial assistance. Furthermore, I'd give serious thought to adjusting your estate plan.
 
I have to fully agree with you Holly ..I have a daughter who wants or feels the need to control both me and my hubby ...and we are more capable of looking after ourselfs than her .

A little bit off topic ( naughty me ) but did anyone see the movie called Gran Torino ,staring Clint Eastwood ..it had some very good scenes in it about adult children trying to control his life telling him he should go into,a nursing home,how he should spend his money and it went on and on . ....he ended up leaving his entire estate to his church and the next door neighbours in preference to,his controlling disrespectful children/ grandchildren
who sat in the church chewing gum and playing with their phones during Clint Eastwoods wife's ( in the movie ) funeral ...I have no doubt that happens in real life now days
 
Kadee46 said:
did anyone see the movie called Gran Torino ,staring Clint Eastwood ..it had some very good scenes in it about adult children trying to control his life telling him he should go into,a nursing home,how he should spend his money and it went on and on . ....he ended up leaving his entire estate to his church and the next door neighbours in preference to,his controlling disrespectful children/ grandchildren
who sat in the church chewing gum and playing with their phones during Clint Eastwoods wife's ( in the movie ) funeral ...I have no doubt that happens in real life now days
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I didn't see it Kadee,but not off topic at all. I watched this the other night free on Youtube, it's a British movie from 2002 on this exact subject. Only in this case, the husband had passed and the son and dil forced the mother into a nursing home.

You should see what she did! It was delightful and may lift your mood, Owasso.

Mrs Caldicot's Cabbage War 2002 FULL MOVIE

 
Thank you everyone who replied. I feel much better now. We will continue to do what we must despite their grumblings.
 
Kadee46 said:
I have to fully agree with you Holly ..I have a daughter who wants or feels the need to control both me and my hubby ...and we are more capable of looking after ourselfs than her .

A little bit off topic ( naughty me ) but did anyone see the movie called Gran Torino ,staring Clint Eastwood ..it had some very good scenes in it about adult children trying to control his life telling him he should go into,a nursing home,how he should spend his money and it went on and on . ....he ended up leaving his entire estate to his church and the next door neighbours in preference to,his controlling disrespectful children/ grandchildren
who sat in the church chewing gum and playing with their phones during Clint Eastwoods wife's ( in the movie ) funeral ...I have no doubt that happens in real life now days
Click to expand...

I saw Gran Torino. Good movie! :yes:
 
I agree with all that was said and all the best to you!

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Owasso RN said:
Hello, I am an RN but have had some medical problems lately that keep me from working and that has strained our budget. I am 57 and my husband is 70. We maintain a moderate sized home with an acre of land, large garden, pool, chickens etc. All of this has become too much for us and we need to downsize our expenses asap. We put our home on the market and it sold in one day. That's about when the #@&* hit the fan with our grown children. Evidently we are not allowed to make such a drastic decision without their input. Now their response is to not talk to us or help with the move. I must mention we have moved two of them just this last year. We found a new smaller home but of course no one has bothered to take a look at it. One daughter even told me how upset our grand kids are that we are selling our home. This is a financial decision for us and a difficult one. Has anyone had the same experience? I am at a loss.
Click to expand...

First thing that came to mind is what some of the other posters said- your adult-aged kids sound like greedballs who are only considering what they 'think' you should eventually leave to them.
My POV on this subject has always been whether the individual or couple bought the house, inherited it, or built it, it belongs to them, and it's entirely their decision what to do with it.

If it's o.k. to add something else, from my own experiences: you might want to consider choosing someone other than those kids as executor of your Will, and also someone else if you decide to have a Power of Attorney.
 
Welcome to the forum.

I had a few misgivings about selling the house my children grew up in but it was the right decision for me at that time. Several years later, one daughter gave me a little grief but we got past it.

I've told each of my grown children that what I have is mine to spend as I wish. If there is any left when I'm gone, they are welcome to it but in the meantime, I intend to spend it as I wish.
 
Is it possible that it's not all about the prospective inheritance? Maybe they are attached to the home place. Were they raised there? Are they sentimental about it and they're just shocked by the change? I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, though if they won't talk to you or help you move, OP, that's just wrong. That would be a petty response to you not telling them about the sale ahead of time.

It does seem strange that your grown children apparently haven't even considered how difficult it is for you to give up your long-time home. However hard it might be for them doesn't compare to what you're going through.
 

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