New niece found me through 23&ME

B

BrotherLove

New Member
My 81 yr old sister got pregnant when she was 16. She gave up the baby in a prearranged private adoption. I was recently contacted through 23&me by a surprise niece. My niece recently met her birth father. She has met him and her paternal half siblings. He gave her my sister’s name.
How do I handle this delicately? Btw she also matched up with my nephew, her maternal half brother.
My niece, Sue (not her real name) is sweet, bright and understanding. She understands how highly emotional this will be to my sister. Years of guilt, secrecy, etc blown up. I was planning to act as an intermediary to try and let my sister know what is going on. My feeling is they both have a right to know and they will have to adjust to the new reality. My nephew is opposed to telling his mother about her long lost daughter.

Any advice is welcome. I don't want to hurt anyone but have always believed that children have the right to know their story and that supersedes the mother's right to not have to confront it. Help!
 

"......have always believed that children have the right to know their story and that supersedes the mother's right to not have to confront it."

Complicated sticky wicket but I'm in agreement with that statement. Now that your niece knows who she is though, why bother your sister with this? The mother has rights to privacy, as long as it doesn't impinge on the offspring's right to know. Niece doesn't have to "know" your sister, she knows enough. IMO.
 
My advice would be to let your sister make the decision to meet her or not. In my own family my brother and his wife had a child they gave up because they could not afford another child since they had four. Many years later that son came knocking on their door. They were divorced by then but both welcomed him into their life. I was an unwed mother but that was about the time that girls started keeping their babies. I have a number of friends who found their biological parents and have had very happy outcomes. Maybe your sister secretly thinks about the baby she gave up and wonders what happened to her.
 

This is a hard one. First I would welcome the contact you have with your "new" niece. Always good to know family members, you are lucky to have that niece.

I'd talk to your sister about it, odds are she is going to find out somehow and you might be the best one to feel her out. And if she finds out you knew and did not tell her that could hurt. She probably thinks of her daughter as long lost, she may well appreciate knowing and having a relationship with her.

Best of luck to you!
 
I have an adopted daughter who calls me "papa." I had and do not have any problems with her going to see her "real" mother; that is her birth mother (father has long gone now). Children are curious and have the right to see who their birth parents are.

To my way of thinking, your "real" parents are the ones who brought you up over the years, not the ones who gave you birth. It sounds very complex to some folks but to me there is no problem and I don't feel like I am in competition with anyone.
 
Packerjohn said:
To my way of thinking, your "real" parents are the ones who brought you up over the years, not the ones who gave you birth.
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This ^ is what I believe.

The only exception is if a birth-parent (usually mothers but I've heard of fathers, too) who were forced to give up their babies against their will.

These days, everything is about 'rights,' without any consideration for how it may affect other people.
 
Through Ancestry, another cousin and I were surprised to find that someone we never knew about was looking for her birth family. She had been adopted by a family in Philadelphia and raised in Colorado. When her adoptive mom was dying, she told her daughter how she came to be her child. Well, it seems that my grandfather's eldest niece had left the family in Philly and had not been married when she became pregnant. Evidently, only a couple of family members knew about this. This gal did have some information which definitely affirmed that she indeed was a member of our family. We both responded to her, letting her know that she did indeed have tons of cousins, aunts and uncles living in Philadelphia and NJ. She thanked us for acknowledging her, but never contacted us again. We've decided to lit sleeping dogs lie.
 
I was very lucky in that good genealogy records were kept in all but my Maternal Grandmother side. She lived with my parents in old age & they never knew her and her sisters real birthdates. Her ancestors were Irish who came over in mid 1800s and the Irish were so unwelcome then they took pains not to give correct birthdates or even names. “No Irish need apply”.
 
I think everyone has the right to know who they are. However, that doesn't include the right to impose themselves on someone who doesn't wish to be part of their lives. Your sister may have put the past to rest and won't want painful memories to be resurrected.
 
There have long been registries through which people can seek out their long-lost birth parents or children. If your sister has made no attempt to find her daughter, maybe she doesn't want to.

Depending on your relationship, you could feel her out in a casual way by asking a seemingly idle question. For example, "Have you ever thought you'd like to meet your daughter?" or "Did you know that some people have found long-lost relatives through 23 and Me?"

If she seems uninterested, you can drop it.

I don't think it was right of the father to divulge the mother's name without permission.
 

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