Not sure what to do

OK...oh brother....now I see what confused me! Sheesh!! Sorry, Ina, I didn't realize when I read it that it wasn't even meant for me and ...ok...please see the humor... I thought you saying Mrs Robinson -- you were quoting something from the movie "The Graduate" ...ha!!!! ...:D ... anyway, this will teach me to pay FULL attention to when I take my lil' netbook to the coffee shop to not try to read posts while someone is yakkin' to me. HA!! I apologize for any misunderstanding on my part and it WAS on my part...
Anyway...all is well... had a good talk with the family... that doesn't mean 'they' were in the wrong... nor does it mean I was wrong in the way I felt... Sometimes we make more trouble in our own minds than what is actually occurring... The foibles of being human! Take good care everybody. You are such a good bunch of people!! :love_heart:
 
Bettyann, is that sort of like trying to have a conversation while cooking and measuring? LOL And it isn't just my advanced age that's gotten me confused, either. I've done stuff like that when I was MUCH younger!

Mrs. Robinson, OY! What an awful spot to be in. I have no idea what I'd do in your shoes.
 
Kaya said:
For clarification, my post #32 was addressed to BettyAnn.

Regardless of the concern for your grandkids, they are now grown and on their own I presume.
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Sadly,the 18 and 22 year olds are just the oldest two.The 22 year old is married and on his own. The 18 year old graduates high school next week. They have 5 altogether and the other 3 are only 14,10 and 8 :(.
 
Mrs. Robinson said:
I am having issues with the daughter that I am closest to as well-but the reason is,unfortunately,much more scandalous. This is the only one of my 3 daughters that lives here in my town (my son does as well). We have always been very,very close and she and her husband and their friends were all our closest friends. Some of their friends are closer to our age but none as old as us (63 and 65).

My daughter`s house is the "go to" house-pretty much a getogether there every single weekend,and we were always included. Then,back in Dec.,I had stopped by the house while I was in town to check my Facebook messages. I was waiting for a response to an important message I had sent to one of my sisters. I clicked on the FB icon on her laptop and it automatically came up to her page. I was ready to log out when a message popped up.

The name was one I knew well-it was my husband`s best friend. It surprised me and I looked at the message. I so wish I hadn`t. They were having a conversation on their phones and it was obvious that an affair was in the making. I have never been so shocked in my life-both at the thought that this daughter would EVER step outside her marriage and as mch,if not more so,with who.Her dad`s best friend??!!?? Unbelievable. Not to mention,he and his wife have been married since they were teenagers,they are now 50 and anyone in town would say they have a rock solid marriage.

I guess you just never know,do you. I thought my daughter`s marriage was rock solid as well. Anyway,I couldn`t not tell her what I had seen. My immediate freak out was that the kids were all home,it was Christmas vacation. She was out working. Any one the kids could have very well gone on that computer and seen what I saw. It was everything I could do to not throw it on the floor and break it for fear they would see it. Anyway,later that day I asked her to go for a car ride with me to "look at a house." I told her what I saw. She got soooo mad at me-said I was snooping. Heck-I had no clue in the world that there would ever be any reason to snoop!

Anyway,it has really put a wedge between us. She rarely asks us to come down anymore,although we do still usually talk on the phone,if not daily,at least 4-5 times a week. The weird thing is,"the guy" is frequently there when we are with her-at grandson`s baseball and basketball games and such. He has always been involved with the school sports but has never sat with us before-now he always does. His wife does as well but it`s just icky.

I did tell hubby what was up and he has very little to do with his friend anymore. I know his friend can`t figure it out-I know my daughter didn`t tell him that I know. You can almost feel him squirming when he is around us because he doesn`t know what to think. That`s fine with me. I really have no idea what their current status is and I absolutely do not want to know. But it sure has put a wedge between my daughter and I.
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You came across it accidentally, and was not snooping. She should have just told you what the deal was, or said she didn't want to talk about it...but she shouldn't hold a grudge against you, that's for sure! I don't blame your hubby for wanting to keep his distance from that guy, I just hope your daughter wises up and sees the light...good luck my dear, must be uncomfortable for all involved. Unfortunately it's your son in law and your hubby's friend's wife who'll be most hurt in the end if they find out. :(
 
Mrs. Robinson said:
Sadly,the 18 and 22 year olds are just the oldest two.The 22 year old is married and on his own. The 18 year old graduates high school next week. They have 5 altogether and the other 3 are only 14,10 and 8 :(.
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I can see where this would be troubling for you; but like Ina said, the most important thing (and the ONLY thing which you have control over) is your love and relationship for your daughter.
My friend was terribly upset (for years) because her daughter had divorced, and then decided that she was gay. To Pat, this meant that her daughter was going to go to hell, and she just felt like she had to somehow change her daughter, and "fix" the situation. The misery of it separated her from her daughter. We talked about it a lot, and finally she could see that none of us are perfect, and that she would still love her daughter if she had robbed a bank, so she should still love her daughter even if Pat felt that her daughter's lifestyle was wrong.
Whatever your daughter does, or does not do; it is her life and her decision, and each person has the right (and the responsibility) to live with their decisions, and the consequences of those decisions.
As a mother, we can only love them, and let them know that nothing on earth can ever change that part.
 
Whatever your daughter does, or does not do; it is her life and her decision, and each person has the right (and the responsibility) to live with their decisions, and the consequences of those decisions.
As a mother, we can only love them, and let them know that nothing on earth can ever change that part.
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To HappyFlowerLady:

I just want to say how much I appreciate your entire quote...but especially this last part.
I have a close friend whose daughter's affair turned out to be the best thing that ever happened for ALL concerned (and yes there were even young children)
I also know people who had the painful and difficult decision of being true to themselves --both men and women ...about realizing they were gay and then disclosing it. Since I totally disagree with certain religious views about gayness, my biggest challenge is to try to not be miserably judgmental towards parents/family/friends who condemn people....especially their own children... thank whatever is good that people are finally growing up and thinking for themselves rather than submit to Fear and Guilt Conditioning...
 
Ina said:
Bettyann, Denise and Selena are both right. I too feel as you do, and it is the very reason I joined this forum. All of the members have helped me realize that I must help myself. I was so depressed, and then our son, who had been living with us for the last five years to help us with our farm died.

These people helped me through one of the worst times in my life.

The rest of our family act as if we are a burden, and they resent us for saying we are lonely, or need help. When we arranged for the neighbors to help out with the yard work, so they wouldn't have too, they just got angrier.
So now they are even more distant.

We can't change our family, but we can change ourselves. I know what I've said doesn't fix your problem, but maybe it will help you see that your not alone. You are more than welcome here.
Stay awhile, and see if we can help you feel less alone. My name is Ina, and I'm in Texas.
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My grandmother's name, I just felt the need to chime in. :)

And to the OP - I am sorry somebody seems to have lost sight of how much she means to you. I'm glad you tried to talk to her. As far as getting out there, check meetup.com and find a group or three that fits your interests. Join the groups, and check your email and/or the website to see what they have planned, then sign up and go!
 
You have many friends here who care, Bettyann, and please add me to the list. :) If you ever want to talk, just send me a private message, and I would enjoy talking to you. :)
 
Bettyann said:
I am a 76 yr old senior, live independently. Raised two children on my own. Have 6 grandchildren and a new great granddaughter! My son died 15 yrs ago. My daughter and all her family lives in the same city as I do. I love them all with all my heart.

More and more my family seems to be distancing themselves from me. Even when they pick me up, take me out to eat, they very seldom include me in a conversation. I try to be 'up' and positive, ask them things, and I always, always express my appreciation for anything they ever do for me. When I have hinted that I wish my daughter would call me once in awhile (or that sometimes I just feel totally out of the loop) (not just text occasionally) she becomes very defensive and says its all in my head. I really want to take responsibility. So I feel afraid of upsetting her or her two daughters who are devoted to defending her. Should I just try to adjust to the situation? I want to be a happy content person. I want to stay in there good graces and not upset ANYbody. Truly, they are good people... I just feel they don't care if I am around anymore or not. I apologize for this being so long.
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Bettyann,

I read your post and it broke my heart. My mother and father have both passed. I would give anything to have a mom who cared about me and would talk to me every day. I have no children, only a 78-year old brother. He has two grown daughters that pretty much treat him the same way. He does have a wife but they have little in common, even after being married for over 50 years.

I've often wondered what will become of me as I get older. All of my nieces, grand nieces and grand nephews live in New York. I live in Florida. None of them ever call me or send cards/e-mails. I've sent them presents, had them visit during the cold months but out of sight out of mind, I guess.

Your daughter doesn't know what she's missing. I would love to have family near.
 
I'd like to be part of this family too. I think we need to each love ourselves first and not depend on others to make us feel loved. Trying to meet someone else's expectations of what we should be is just too much work. I am who I am, I have done my best to be a good person, I think I am--that's all I can be.
 
You are a nice, tenderhearted lady, Kim...basically everything is resolved...a lot of it was simply the way I was perceiving things, and I really got some excellent advice from people on this forum... I hope you are having a super good day today. For once it is not raining or hailing in Denver... (better not talk too loudly!) :)
If you are able, Kim, here is an idea... could you look into one of those organizations where you 'adopt' a grandchild... have contact with them, do things for and with them... I bet you would be just wonderful at that! I really think so~! Think about it!
 
Hello Lynda,
I understand what you are saying when you say 'we have to love ourselves first' .. And no, we should not "depend on" others to make us feel loved....and that is NOT the job you must think I assigned to my family...
Sometimes, at least that is the way it is for most of us... 'things go wrong' ... or at least we think we do... and its nice to have supportive and loving responses from others...
 
Bettyanne, I think it is part of our American culture to not appreciate the older generation. It is sad. This is a place where we can accept and appreciate each other. We know we have given our hearts and love to others. We wish our children and grandchildren could understand our sacrifices and our love. But, they don't. We have to love ourselves because we know we have done our very best.

Where do you live in Florida? I am in Gainesville.
 
Hi Lynda,
I live in Colorado... not Florida... however I once lived in Miami Beach for 6 months! :) This was in 1985... holy moly, was that ever a trip and a half... I really had some experiences. BUT the best part was the wonderful, fabulous beach...with the beautiful white sand and the lovely, warm blue water.
I wouldn't trade the experience, though... Miami Beach is now a WHOLE different scene... nothing like it was in 85.... I had no idea how mean and aggressive old people could be!!..And Miami Vice (remember that) was NOT an exaggeration! Sheesh... but now I see it all with humor. :)
 
Glad to have you Ruth!!! We're not alone as long we have each other. When I worked and went college, I use to tell everyone that it kept me out of my grown children's business. I don't work or go to school anymore, and all of the sudden the children were wondering why I was so needy. Well I found this forum, and things are much better.
:chocolate::dontworry::kissmy:
 

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