Oldopoly

[SifuPhil]

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Official Oldopoly® Game Rules



The following page is a copy of the rules as printed in the Oldopoly® Rule Book.


OBJECT



The object of the game is to become the longest-living player through bullying, ranting and staying independent.


EQUIPMENT



The equipment consists of a board, 2 dice, tokens (wheelchair, oxygen bottle, applesauce and a bottle of ******), 32 Houses and 12 Slums. There are 16 Who Are You? and 16 Collapsed Chest cards, 28 Entitlement Deed card (one for each property), and lots of real money.


PREPARATION



Put the Who Are You? and Collapsed Chest cards face down on their allotted spaces on the board. Each player chooses one token to represent them while traveling around the board. Each player is given $1,500,000 divided as follows:


2,999-$500’s, 2-$100’s, 2-$50’s, 6-$20’s, 5-$10’s, 5-$5’s, and 5-$1’s. All remaining money and other equipment go to the Bank.


BANKER



Select as Banker a player who will also make a good Foreclosure Agent. A Banker who plays in the game must keep their personal funds mixed in with those of the Bank.


THE BANK



Besides the Bank’s money, the Bank holds the Entitlement Deeds and the houses and slums prior to purchase by the players. The Bank pays low salaries and, only rarely, bonuses. It sells and forecloses properties and hands out the proper Entitlement Deed cards when purchased by a player, it also sells houses and slums to the players and loans money at 175% interest when required on mortgages.


The Bank collects all taxes, fines, loans, kickbacks, payola and interest, and the price of all properties which it sells and forecloses. The Bank “never goes broke.” If the Bank runs out of money, the Banker may issue as much as needed by writing on any ordinary piece of paper, just as in real life.


THE PLAY



Starting with the Banker, each player in turn throws the dice, which in Oldopoly mimics Fate. The player with the highest total starts the play. Place your token on the corner marked “GO”, then throw the dice and move your token (in the direction of the arrow) the number of spaces indicated by the dice.


Two or more tokens may rest on the same space at the same time, but the players involved must rant and rave with each other.


Depending on the space your token reaches, you may be entitled to buy real estate or other properties, or be obliged to pay rent, pay taxes, draw a Who Are You? or Collapsed Chest card, Go To Hell, pay alimony, bribes, medical insurance, etc…


GO



Each time a player’s token lands on or passes over GO, whether by throwing the dice or drawing a card, the Banker gives that player a crappy SSI check, but only for the first 6 trips around the board. After that the player has to get an off-the-books job, or die of starvation.


BUYING PROPERTY



Whenever you land on an unowned property you may buy that property from the Bank at 300% of its printed price. You receive the Entitlement Deed card showing ownership. If you do not wish to buy the property, the Bank sells it through a foreclosure to the highest bidder. The high bidder pays the Bank the amount of the bid in cash along with kickbacks and receives the Entitlement Deed card for that property.


Any player, including the one who declined the option to buy it at the printed price, may bid. Bidding may start at any price and may be rigged.


PAYING RENT



When you land on a property that is owned by another player, the slumlord collects rent from you in accordance with the list printed on its Entitlement Deed card.


If the property is foreclosed, no rent can be collected. When a property is foreclosed its Entitlement Deed card is placed face down in front of the owner. It is an advantage to hold all the Entitlement Deed cards in a color-group (i.e., Lastwalk and Park Bench) because the owner may then charge quadruple rent for unimproved properties in that color-group. This rule applies to unforeclosed properties even if another property in that color-group is foreclosed. It is even more advantageous to have houses or slums on properties because rents are much higher than for unimproved properties. The owner may not collect the rent if the player is in Section 8 or receiving SSDI.


WHO ARE YOU? AND COLLAPSED CHEST



When you land on either of these spaces, take the top card from the deck indicated, follow the instructions and return the card face down to the bottom of the deck. The “Get Out of Hell For Free” card is held until used and then returned to the bottom of the deck. If the player who draws it does not wish to use it, then they may sell it, at any time, to another player at a price agreeable to both, usually a pack of cigarettes or an act of oral sex.


TAX HIKE



If you land here you have three options: You may estimate your tax at 50% of your annual salary and pay the Bank, you may elect to work for another three years past your scheduled retirement, or you may give your first-born to the Bank. Your total worth is all your cash on hand, printed prices of unforeclosed properties, the price of all buildings you own and whatever you have in that shoe box in the closet.


You must decide which option you will take before you add up your total worth.


HELL



You land in Hell when…


(1) Your token lands on the space marked “Go to Hell”,
(2) You draw a card marked “Go to Hell” or
(3) You get caught with a meth lab in the back of your garden shed
(4) Your SSI check is stolen



When you are sent to Hell you cannot collect your SSI check in that move since, regardless of where your token is on the board, you must move directly into Hell. Your turn, as well as your life, ends when you are sent to Hell. If you are not “sent to Hell” but in the ordinary course of play lands on that space, you are “Just Conned”, you incur only a $500 penalty, and you move ahead in the usual manner on your next turn.


You still are able to collect rent on your properties because you are “Just Conned”, but it all goes to your lawyer and your ex-.


A player gets out of Hell by…


(1) Bribing the Devil
(2) Using the “Get Out of Hell Free Card“
(3) Purchasing the “Get Out of Hell Free Card” from another player and playing it.
(4) Paying a fine of $5,000,000 before you roll the dice on either of your next two turns. If you do not throw doubles by your third turn, you must pay the $5,000,000 fine. You then get out of Hell and immediately move forward the number of spaces shown by your throw.


Even though you are in Hell you may buy and sell property, buy and sell houses and slums and collect rents, but again it all goes to your lawyer and your ex-.


$50 PARKING



A player landing on this place does not receive any money, property or reward of any kind. This is just a parking space for your piece-of-crap car and you have to pay $50 to the pimply-faced 16-year-old attendant.



HOUSES



When a player owns all the properties in a color-group they may buy houses from the Bank and move in on those properties.


You may buy as many houses as your judgment and financial standing will allow. This is the beginning of your Slum. You may then begin on the second row of houses, and so on, up to a limit of four houses to a property.


You will also have a mental breakdown if you have to sell houses back to the Bank (see SELLING PROPERTY).


SLUMS



When a player has four houses on each property they may buy a Slum from the Bank and erect it on any property already packed with illegal immigrants. They sell the four houses from that property to the Bank and pay the price for the Slum as shown on the Entitlement Deed card. Only one Slum may be erected on any one property.


BUILDING SHORTAGES



When the Bank has no houses to sell, players wishing to build must wait for some player to die before building. If there are a limited number of houses and slums available and two or more players wish to buy more than the Bank has, the houses or slums must be sold at foreclosure to the highest bidder or taken forcefully by the Government by Right of Eminent Domain.



SELLING PROPERTY



Unimproved properties, railroads, subways and utilities (but not buildings) may be sold to any player as a private transaction for any amount the owner can get.


Houses and Slums may be sold back to the Bank at any time for one-half the price paid for them. All houses may be sold at once, or they may be sold one house at a time (one slum equals five houses).


BANKRUPTCY



You are declared bankrupt if you owe more than you can pay either to another player or to the Bank. If your debt is to another player, you must turn over to that player all that you have of value — your spouse, your BMW, your collection of Grateful Dead vinyl — and retire from the game. Shooting yourself in the head is optional.


In making this settlement, if you own houses or slums, you must return these to the Bank in exchange for money to the extent of one-tenth the amount paid for them. This cash is given to the creditor. If you have mortgaged property you also turn this property over to your creditor but the new owner must at once pay the Bank the amount of interest on the loan, which is 300% of the value of the property.


MISCELLANEOUS



Money can be loaned to a player only by the Bank and by Loansharks, and then only by foreclosing property or breaking kneecaps. No player may borrow from or lend money to another player unless they get the OK from Don Vito.

THE RICHEST PLAYER WINS!
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