This picture says it all...I'm always in control of everything (in my world that is). As far as relationships, and this includes family and friendships, I am pitching a perfect game, of failure. I was always the 1st among my friends to get things done! First to graduate college, first to buy a home, first to pay off a home, first to retire. Thinking I had really moved ahead of the crowd in life, looking back, I was really going nowhere. What are all those achievements without having someone to share them with. People told me they were proud; I had done well for myself (emphasis on that word), but what was missing in my life that I needed to make me complete? Romantic relationships came and went, never lasting long. Friendships began to fall by the wayside as they met significant others, got married, had families, business as usual. Eventually, they had little or no time for me. Many of them I had helped along the way with money, a place to stay, a shoulder to lean on. I once talked a friend off the ledge after his girlfriend broke up with him.
He was ready to end it all! Calling me at 4am, I didn't know what to do! I got dressed and went to his apartment. All I could do was listen, but just my being there he told me, helped him through. Finally exhausted, he fell asleep. In the fullness of time, he met another woman, got married and had a family. To this very day, he thanks me, but can't some see me anymore, or talk as friends do. I get an email from him now and again. I never had a good relationship with my parents. They loved and cared about me because I was their only baby, not because they wanted to.
When they divorced, the blame was put on me despite all that I had done to try to be the kid they always wanted, to make them proud of me. They both passed years ago. Now, as alone in the world as anyone could be, I am quite used to it. I get a birthday card now and then, an occasional Christmas card when anyone remembers me. Emails here and there.
Many friends have far less than I do, but they are happier than I am, why is this? Because I succeeded at the things in life that are perceived to make us happy and complete. Somewhere along the way, love would find me, I just knew it, but it never did. As far as my friends, they succeeded at the one thing in life that makes people happy even if they have nothing.....and that is love.
At 62 now, what then must I do? There is nothing I can do; I did all I could to make my world a place that I hoped someone would want to share with me.
Someone to share the happy, the sad, the good the bad and yes, the ugly of life. Someone to be there for me when I was on the ledge, and I have been there many times, (taking a deep breath here). I have 2 black cats, and still have 2 wonderful friends in music, and the game of chess. But eventually the music stops, and the game is over, and I am alone again...naturally. Rindee
