Online Dating and all its problems

F

Flaneuse

New Member
I recently decided to try an online dating site - it was fun at first but I'm losing interest, which is not the problem. I have an ethical issue and wonder if I'm being too old fashioned and narrow minded. I was recently contacted by a man who lives a couple of states away. We have a lot of similarity in our interests and backgrounds, but because of the distance, he said we could never be a couple; HOWEVER, he thought we could have some great conversations. I have no problem with that and we had an interesting 3+ hour phone call yesterday. Towards the end of the conversation, he said he was in an intimate relationship with someone - he actually breezed past it pretty quickly and then moved on to other subjects. At the end of the call he said he'd like to talk again because, well - we really have similar interests. But.... after thinking about it, I decided I couldn't go forward with any more calls unless his girlfriend knew and was okay with our discussions and I sent him a message letting him know how I felt. I didn't even ask him why he was on a dating site if he was in an intimate relationship with someone, but that's for him and his conscience. To my mind, the conversations he has proposed can be both harmful and hurtful to all parties involved (though I do give him credit for telling me). For me, I feel it would compromise my integrity to participate in something that goes behind the girlfriend's back. Please tell me I'm not wrong to feel this way (or if I am, tell me that too.)
 

Flaneuse said:
I recently decided to try an online dating site - it was fun at first but I'm losing interest, which is not the problem. I have an ethical issue and wonder if I'm being too old fashioned and narrow minded. I was recently contacted by a man who lives a couple of states away. We have a lot of similarity in our interests and backgrounds, but because of the distance, he said we could never be a couple; HOWEVER, he thought we could have some great conversations. I have no problem with that and we had an interesting 3+ hour phone call yesterday. Towards the end of the conversation, he said he was in an intimate relationship with someone - he actually breezed past it pretty quickly and then moved on to other subjects. At the end of the call he said he'd like to talk again because, well - we really have similar interests. But.... after thinking about it, I decided I couldn't go forward with any more calls unless his girlfriend knew and was okay with our discussions and I sent him a message letting him know how I felt. I didn't even ask him why he was on a dating site if he was in an intimate relationship with someone, but that's for him and his conscience. To my mind, the conversations he has proposed can be both harmful and hurtful to all parties involved (though I do give him credit for telling me). For me, I feel it would compromise my integrity to participate in something that goes behind the girlfriend's back. Please tell me I'm not wrong to feel this way (or if I am, tell me that too.)
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You're not wrong. This guy just wants phone sex. Lose him.
 
When I was doing on line dating, the second a guy said something along the lines of "I'm married but we have an open marriage, I have a girlfriend but she doesn't mind if I see other women, or I'm living with someone but we aren't romantic any more" I was "nope, bye, adios, adieu, moving on...."

Dating is fraught enough with problems.....I didn't need THAT.
 
Online "dating" might work for some people. It would definitely work out better if people were honest about their relationship status right out of the gate. But as it so often happens, they're not. They're married or have a girlfriend. As you eventually found out. This guy would like to continue talking to you because you have similar interests and backgrounds, and he thinks you could have some good conversations, but you don't want to continue unless his girlfriend knows about it. What makes you think he'd actually be honest about telling his girlfriend he's talking to you?

You're not wrong to question continuing to talk with him knowing he has a girlfriend who isn't aware he's meeting other women on a dating site. But to what end? Is what you want friendship with a man who's already involved with someone else? Or would you like to connect with someone who is actually free? @Flaneuse, it's up to you to decide what you're comfortable with. As for me, I'm not at all comfortable with online "dating", period. If I were, I wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who's already involved with someone else.

Good luck, whatever you decide. I hope you find what you're looking for. 🙂

Bella ✌️
 
Honestly more people lie online ..... then share the truth that he has a girl friend........ so i would at least see he was up front on that.

It is sad to say that online almost anything can be phony .........
i was scrolling through channels and saw the show Catfish is still on over a dozen years and people are still finding themselves being conned.....
 
Bella said:
Online "dating" might work for some people. It would definitely work out better if people were honest about their relationship status right out of the gate. But as it so often happens, they're not. They're married or have a girlfriend. As you eventually found out. This guy would like to continue talking to you because you have similar interests and backgrounds, and he thinks you could have some good conversations, but you don't want to continue unless his girlfriend knows about it. What makes you think he'd actually be honest about telling his girlfriend he's talking to you?

You're not wrong to question continuing to talk with him knowing he has a girlfriend who isn't aware he's meeting other women on a dating site. But to what end? Is what you want friendship with a man who's already involved with someone else? Or would you like to connect with someone who is actually free? @Flaneuse, it's up to you to decide what you're comfortable with. As for me, I'm not at all comfortable with online "dating", period. If I were, I wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who's already involved with someone else.

Good luck, whatever you decide. I hope you find what you're looking for. 🙂

Bella ✌️
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No - I've already bid him farewell once, then he returned. The next time, I'm blocking him. But talking with him is like taking a master class in a dozen different areas I'm interested in. I'll find another way to learn about these things because it's not worth my integrity. But he was clear from the beginning there would be nothing between us, just conversation. But his having a girlfriend just blew that out of the water.
 
I think, for the most part, your decision is sound. You are on a dating site to meet someone to "date". Since he is in another state and in a relationship, it is a recipe for disappointment. I wouldn't have any problem just conversing with someone that has similar interests, even if they are married, but the expectation is different. Even though I'm single, I have had long and interesting conversations with female neighbors who are married (I'm even good friends with their husbands), but no one is uncomfortable because the expectation, or understanding is that we are just friends. In your case, I think you might begin to have feelings for this guy because you feel attracted to him, and I kinda think he is stroking his ego a bit by attracting another woman without sacrificing his S.O. If it was just casual conversation he was seeking, he wouldn't be on a dating site.
 
RadishRose said:
Dear Flaneuse, you don't know anything about him. He may not even be a male! He may not even have a girlfriend but just says so to avoid any commitment. Sorry to be so negative but strangers on the internet can be, well, strange.
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Actually, I did a lot of research about him before even talking with him and was able to confirm that he is who he says he is - retired judge, retired trial lawyer, widower.
 
bobcat48 said:
I think, for the most part, your decision is sound. You are on a dating site to meet someone to "date". Since he is in another state and in a relationship, it is a recipe for disappointment. I wouldn't have any problem just conversing with someone that has similar interests, even if they are married, but the expectation is different. Even though I'm single, I have had long and interesting conversations with female neighbors who are married (I'm even good friends with their husbands), but no one is uncomfortable because the expectation, or understanding is that we are just friends. In your case, I think you might begin to have feelings for this guy because you feel attracted to him, and I kinda think he is stroking his ego a bit by attracting another woman without sacrificing his S.O. If it was just casual conversation he was seeking, he wouldn't be on a dating site.
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Thanks for the male perspective on this - I think you are spot on with the "stroking his ego" comment. And you're right about potentially developing feelings - which happens far too easily for me (I even once felt so sorry for a spider trapped in the second floor ladies' room at work that I caught him in a cup and took him outside. Such a mushy heart.)
 
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Flaneuse said:
Thanks for the male perspective on this - I think you are spot on with the "stroking his ego" comment. And you're right about potentially developing feelings - which happens far too easily for me (I even once felt so sorry for a spider trapped in the second floor ladies' room at work that I caught him in a cup and took him outside. Such a mushy heart.)
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Too funny. I did the same thing with a carpenter ant this morning. He or she was trapped in my kitchen sink, and my instinct was to just to send him on his way down the drain, but I caught myself and thought this poor critter probably has a family somewhere, so I grabbed a napkin, got him to crawl onboard, took him outside and set him free. Apparently, we are rescuers, but hey, ants and spiders don't have GPS, so it can be easy for them to get lost. They just need a little re-direction. I think we all do once in awhile.
 
Why can’t men and women simply be friends with no thought or expectation of sexual matters. Past a certain age, a good friend with whom you can have interesting general conversation about similar interests - hobbies, travel, books, etc. - is as valuable as a sexual partner.

A good friend with whom you enjoy conversation should be a wonderful and innocent addition to most everyone’s life, especially a bored retiree.
 
Flaneuse said:
Thanks for the male perspective on this - I think you are spot on with the "stroking his ego" comment. And you're right about potentially developing feelings - which happens far too easily for me (I even once felt so sorry for a spider trapped in the second floor ladies' room at work that I caught him in a cup and took him outside. Such a mushy heart.)
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I agree with Bobcat 100% (I've been there...on the dude's side).

Emailing him about the ladyfriend was a good move. But it would be pretty hilarious if she's into an online 3-some. Well, hilarious to me, just bc life's crazy, but I'm sure you'd end things for sure if took that turn.
 
Flaneuse said:
I recently decided to try an online dating site - it was fun at first but I'm losing interest, which is not the problem. I have an ethical issue and wonder if I'm being too old fashioned and narrow minded. I was recently contacted by a man who lives a couple of states away. We have a lot of similarity in our interests and backgrounds, but because of the distance, he said we could never be a couple; HOWEVER, he thought we could have some great conversations. I have no problem with that and we had an interesting 3+ hour phone call yesterday. Towards the end of the conversation, he said he was in an intimate relationship with someone - he actually breezed past it pretty quickly and then moved on to other subjects. At the end of the call he said he'd like to talk again because, well - we really have similar interests. But.... after thinking about it, I decided I couldn't go forward with any more calls unless his girlfriend knew and was okay with our discussions and I sent him a message letting him know how I felt. I didn't even ask him why he was on a dating site if he was in an intimate relationship with someone, but that's for him and his conscience. To my mind, the conversations he has proposed can be both harmful and hurtful to all parties involved (though I do give him credit for telling me). For me, I feel it would compromise my integrity to participate in something that goes behind the girlfriend's back. Please tell me I'm not wrong to feel this way (or if I am, tell me that too.)
Click to expand...
You're a smart cookie!
 


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