Patronizing a Dying Person

debodun

debodun

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way upstate in New York, USA
How much does it bother you when someone is attempting to comfort a person who is obviously very close to death and says something to the effect that in no time at all, they will be up and back at their old ways? I find extremely patronizing and unrealistic and may even make the dying person feel worse since he/she likely knows what the score is. Is this something a person says just to make themselves feel better?
 

I don’t have the correct answer since I say stupid things all the time. My guess is that people don’t know what to say and it’s uncomfortable.
What is the right thing to say?
“Sorry you’re dying and I hope it’s not too painful and you go quickly?”
I think people say what they figure is socially acceptable and wishing people ‘well’ is the socially acceptable thing to say. I think it also depends on the relationship the person has to the one dying.

What do you think people should be saying to a dying person ?
 
debodun said:
How much does it bother you when someone is attempting to comfort a person who is obviously very close to death and says something to the effect that in no time at all, they will be up and back at their old ways? I find extremely patronizing and unrealistic and may even make the dying person feel worse since he/she likely knows what the score is. Is this something a person says just to make themselves feel better?
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When have you seen this happen? It's hard to believe that anyone would be so thoughtless.
 

You said it yourself..."when someone is attempting to comfort a person". Most people are at a loss, just trying to find some words of comfort and don't really know what to say. I don't see the harm in it and I certainly don't consider it patronizing. Why not worry about your own comments and let others handle their own?

Now if the speaker was saying, "why don't you get up and pull yourself together?" or something equally harsh, I'd have a problem with it.
 
I think it's innocent and they're just trying to make the dying person feel better. I agree with the others here that it's sometimes hard to come up with the right words regardless of how much you care for the person.
 
C'est Moi;855978 Why not worry about your own comments and let others handle their own?
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That's very true, but that wasn't the question. I would never have said to my mom on her death bed (which was what the OP asked), you're going to be perfectly fine. No, I said "I love you." And I would find it really inappropriate anyway, to have anyone else but the close family to be there on someone's deathbed.

So, I agree with Debodun.
 
I was in a position several years ago when a friend's mom had terminal cancer. On the last day I saw her (she passed a couple days later) I was at a total loss at what I could say to comfort her. So, I just said a lame "I am here if you need anything". It is hard to know what to say that does not sound patronizing.
 
Olivia said:
That's very true, but that wasn't the question. I would never have said to my mom on her death bed (which was what the OP asked), you're going to be perfectly fine. No, I said "I love you." And I would find it really inappropriate anyway, to have anyone else but the close family to be there on someone's deathbed.
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Well, obviously YOURS is the correct response.
 
I was with my mom shortly before she passed and we told each other how we felt.
 
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When my dad told me he was dying I simply said, "Is there anything you need me to do, or anything you'd like me to do?" He said, "No," and that was that.
 
debodun said:
How much does it bother you when someone is attempting to comfort a person who is obviously very close to death and says something to the effect that in no time at all, they will be up and back at their old ways? I find extremely patronizing and unrealistic and may even make the dying person feel worse since he/she likely knows what the score is. Is this something a person says just to make themselves feel better?
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Deb, how close to death was the person you're talking about? Is it possible the person who made the comment believed that they may get better and be up and about? Was it said to a relative, friend or just acquaintance?
 
A co-worker was diagnosed with terminal cancer, as a group we went to see him. Each took turns talking to him. Clearly at a loss for what to say things like Jack your going to make it, & hang in there new cures are being discovered every day. My turn. Jack let your family know if there is anything we can do for them make sure they know. The other comments were met with a weak smile, Jack reached out to shake my hand and tell me thanks I will.


Wanting to comfort takes different forms. I think people know what is comming and appreciate honest normal conversation.
 
Now that I think about it, I'm sorry that I posted the last emotional words I said to my mom before she passed away.
 
treeguy64 said:
When my dad told me he was dying I simply said, "Is there anything you need me to do, or anything you'd like me to do?" He said, "No," and that was that.
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When our mother was dying, we got a similar response from her, except that she wanted us to help her close on the sale of her house before "heading on out". A few weeks after it closed, she died. I think that someone who is used to being in charge remains that way until the last. :)
When a friend died suddenly and unexpectedly, it was so much more difficult to help her family -- not knowing what to say or do, just tried to be there while they were in shock.
 
Tough to know what's right
Being there seems right
Went to see my mom in the hospital...her last days
She was asleep when I came into her room

So I sat there
When she awoke, her greeting was 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?'

I may have said 'waiting'
 
While I've never said anything like "you'll be back up and around" to a dying person, I'm not going to judge what a person may have said. The very fact that a person is there with the dying person says a lot.

I have no idea what the last thing I said to my mother before she slipped into a final coma was. But the last thing I said to her while she lived was "I've gotta go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." When I got right back she was gone.
 
The last thing I said to my mom was "What do you want for Christmas." This was November 25, 2006 and no signs that this would be the last time I spoke to her. Three hours later I found her dead in her bed. Thankfully when she did go, it was quick; no long bedside vigil. She had been suffering for years with CHF exacerbated by diabetes.
 
The last thing I said to my dad as I climbed up into his hospital bed and held him in my arms was, "You're free, Daddy, you're free."

The last thing I said to my husband as I pushed on his chest and tried to give him mouth-to-mouth respiration was, "BREATHE! BREATHE! BREATHE!"

I held one grandma's hand and told her it was OK to let go, that we understood. The other one, I just told her I loved her. Both were in a coma when they died. Both of my grandfathers died when I wasn't present.

My mother-in-law-in-all-but-name probably has less than a week to live.....she is refusing water and nutrition. She has descended into total dementia but at least I did get to tell her I love her when I last spoke to her on the phone.

I'm pretty sure my mother will outlive me. She's planning to live to 105 and she has 12 more years to go. I think she'll make it.
 
It may be to make the person saying it feel better. In stressful situations people may say all kinds of things. Sometimes they don't know what to say and something just comes out. It would matter too who the person is. How close were they to the individual close to death. I wouldn't be too critical about comments like that. As long as they are not being mean or abusive.
 

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