Perhaps breaking up a marriage

Katybug

Katybug

Senior Member
Location
Charlotte, NC
As seniors, this doesn't happen nearly as often as in our younger years, but I have a younger friend who is going through this. She is a pretty single lady, recently divorced, and joined a very long term married couple for dinner last night. When the wife went to the bathroom, the husband suggested they meet for a drink! She is so stressed she hasn't eaten all day and is worried sick.....does she tell the wife or pretend it never happened?

It would take quite an act on my part to ignore the situation. What an A-H he is....he just botched a friendship between the 2 women of 20+ years, as my friend will never feel comfortable being around them again. And this couple just celebrated their 40th anniversary and have g'children. How do you destroy that? Tho we all know there is no way this would be the first time for him stepping out, but you are perhaps ending a marriage and a lifetime friendship. What an awful situation to be in. What would you do?
 

I'd get the guy alone and set him straight. I'd tell him not to EVER say anything to me that he wouldn't say in front of his wife...period! Then, if it happens again, I'd tell the wife...at least that way he gets a second chance. I told that to a guy at work once, and I didn't even know his wife...but it worked, he minded his Ps and Qs from that point on, and it didn't affect our working relationship. Sometimes these jokers need to know where the line is drawn...they will test the waters to see how much they can get away with.
 
She used those exact words to me today, TWH, in that the friendship will never return to what it was before. The women lose because of a lustful man. Sorry, guys, but it make me mad just thinking about it and so not fair. She's damned if she does and likewise if she doesn't mention it so far as the ladies' friendship ever being the same.
 

Chances are if he hit on your friend, he's done that with others...the wife likely knows what he's capable of.
 
I'm with SeaBreeze on this one. I'd tell him to back off and just continue my friendship with the wife. Don't go anywhere near him and have lunches etc with her friend. Everyone is probably correct that he has done this in the past and the wife likely knows that so by having her best friend tell her, will only make life worse for her. If she is told, it will probably break them up and/or not want her to see her friend (who she will need at some point when the A**hole goes too far).

I wouldn't tell her in the off chance that he just made a mistake.
 
SeaBreeze said:
I'd get the guy alone and set him straight. I'd tell him not to EVER say anything to me that he wouldn't say in front of his wife...period! Then, if it happens again, I'd tell the wife...at least that way he gets a second chance. I told that to a guy at work once, and I didn't even know his wife...but it worked, he minded his Ps and Qs from that point on, and it didn't affect our working relationship. Sometimes these jokers need to know where the line is drawn...they will test the waters to see how much they can get away with.
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My friend called me first thing this morning, and this is how she intends to handle it. She knows his wife is going shopping this afternoon, so she's going to call and tell him she's not having her friendship with his wife ruined....that she is going to try to forget what happened and move forward. But that if it ever happens again, she will call his hand on it in front of her the minute it happens. No matter how this plays out, the friendship on my friend's part has been spoiled forever. She says it will always be in the back of her mind and she can never feel comfortable around them again, tho she's going to make every effort since the wife rarely ever goes out socially w/o her husband. She is the type woman who wants to take him any place she goes, so it would be very odd to arrange get togethers w/o him. Sad, huh? Wish he loved her as much as she loves him!!
 
Wishing her the best Katybug, it's too bad that joker can have such an effect on the women around him. :rolleyes:
 
Katybug said:
My friend called me first thing this morning, and this is how she intends to handle it. She knows his wife is going shopping this afternoon, so she's going to call and tell him she's not having her friendship with his wife ruined....that she is going to try to forget what happened and move forward. But that if it ever happens again, she will call his hand on it in front of her the minute it happens. No matter how this plays out, the friendship on my friend's part has been spoiled forever. She says it will always be in the back of her mind and she can never feel comfortable around them again, tho she's going to make every effort since the wife rarely ever goes out socially w/o her husband. She is the type woman who wants to take him any place she goes, so it would be very odd to arrange get togethers w/o him. Sad, huh? Wish he loved her as much as she loves him!!
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Sounds like a plan. I hate the thought of giving the guy a "warning" but want her to keep her friendship active. Hopefully, she will follow through and shut him down immediately if it ever happens again which it most likely will with either her or someone else. If it ends the marriage, her friend will thank her, eventually. The husband is a jerk.
 
We have another mutual friend I just spoke with and she's spitting venom over what happened. Wants to tell the wife herself about it, but it's not her place to do so.

The 2 of us were discussing how many women, even knowing their husbands are cheats, choose to keep the marriage together. Look at the Kennedys, most all of 'em, prime examples. The thought of breaking up the family and living alone is more harsh to some than it was to me. I couldn't accept the betrayal, and the weekend I found out was the last one we spent together. The ultimate revenge was alimony and the judge was very generous given I had hired a private detective and had rather intimate pix. Downside, it truly broke my heart and I was devastated by the shock of it...lost down to 98 lbs.

He married her and here comes even better revenge....she left him for another man after only a couple years!!!! Oh my gosh, I'm still laughing over that and feel so lucky to have been privy to that info.
 

Katybug said:
Whatwould you do?
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I would do nothing and I wouldn’t worry about it. Your friend should simply take the husband aside when the opportunity arises and let him know she values both their friendship, and does not want to jeopardize the relationship with either one. If there is a mutual understanding and respect, he will not do it again and the friendship will be stronger because of it.

 
SeaBreeze said:
I'd get the guy alone and set him straight. I'd tell him not to EVER say anything to me that he wouldn't say in front of his wife...period! Then, if it happens again, I'd tell the wife...at least that way he gets a second chance. I told that to a guy at work once, and I didn't even know his wife...but it worked, he minded his Ps and Qs from that point on, and it didn't affect our working relationship. Sometimes these jokers need to know where the line is drawn...they will test the waters to see how much they can get away with.
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I agree. Maybe the guy has done it before maybe he hasn't. But I certainly wouldn't end the friendship with his wife (if the friendship is valued) after all these years, not at this stage.

 
Well Katy i think differently to most people, after being married to a man that cheated on me and all my friends even one of my brothers knew.
I would have loved to have had the power to tell my ex where to go, but as no one told me what was going on i only found out when he was having a dirty weekend with her as her mother came into our Health Studio to collect her work shirt and dropped the bomb.
If i had been told by one of my friends things would have been different, i could have taken charge and made sure i was looked after in the business{ he changed the partnership without my knowledge} i could have organised for my 2 girls to be looked after better than they were and last but not least kept my Pride so please if you know, be a good friend and let her know take the chance what have you got to lose.
 
You say 'what has she got to lose"?. If their friendship is as special as it sounds she has a lot to lose.

By telling her (at this time) her friend could also turn the tables, things could get quite nasty, and not believe her (friend.) It can & does happen and they are not isolated occurences. The way I see it, I would bide my time and see how things go. Just maybe, this could be the first time her husband has made an 'advance' to another woman, who knows he might regret what he did.
At this early time, I don't believe it's a matter of jumping in.
 
UPDATE....my friend called him while his wife was out shopping yesterday and to say he was shocked is a mild understatement, according to what she told me. He must have very stupidly imagined that it was no big deal. He kept saying, "I love my wife, let's please keep this to ourselves," over and over. When he found out it was a very big deal, I'm very sure it won't happen again with my friend. But, sadly. she feels it has spoiled the overall friendship forever. She will never look forward to getting together with "them" again, but I'm hoping it will get easier for her with time. A good friendship is so hard to find these days and the poor wife shouldn't suffer for his behavior.
 
Jillaroo said:
Well Katy i think differently to most people, after being married to a man that cheated on me and all my friends even one of my brothers knew.
I would have loved to have had the power to tell my ex where to go, but as no one told me what was going on i only found out when he was having a dirty weekend with her as her mother came into our Health Studio to collect her work shirt and dropped the bomb.
If i had been told by one of my friends things would have been different, i could have taken charge and made sure i was looked after in the business{ he changed the partnership without my knowledge} i could have organised for my 2 girls to be looked after better than they were and last but not least kept my Pride so please if you know, be a good friend and let her know take the chance what have you got to lose.
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From another post of mine, Jill, you know I can relate to what you went through. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. It totally destroys you and your world as you knew it. For my ex, it was a middle age crazy office romance, and I too had the humiliation of everyone knowing but me. The emotional pain was off the charts, almost unbearable, to the point of making me so cold hearted toward him. That was 1980. A year or so ago a friend called and told he had died. I felt no sense of loss, I had already gone through it. No tears, no looking back, no nothing. Gawd, I sound so cold hearted, but it took years to remove myself emotionally from the pain and when I moved on emotionally, I really moved on. I hope the same for you.
 
Katybug said:
She used those exact words to me today, TWH, in that the friendship will never return to what it was before. The women lose because of a lustful man. Sorry, guys, but it make me mad just thinking about it and so not fair. She's damned if she does and likewise if she doesn't mention it so far as the ladies' friendship ever being the same.
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She picked him, not me.

Unfortunately, life isn't fair and hopefully our mothers helped us to learn this. Not my fault just because I'm a guy.

Maybe if they are really good friends, she would tell about the cheating husband?
 
Katybug said:
UPDATE....my friend called him while his wife was out shopping yesterday and to say he was shocked is a mild understatement, according to what she told me. He must have very stupidly imagined that it was no big deal. He kept saying, "I love my wife, let's please keep this to ourselves," over and over. When he found out it was a very big deal, I'm very sure it won't happen again with my friend. But, sadly. she feels it has spoiled the overall friendship forever. She will never look forward to getting together with "them" again, but I'm hoping it will get easier for her with time. A good friendship is so hard to find these days and the poor wife shouldn't suffer for his behavior.
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You know, from his reaction, maybe it was just something stupid that popped out of his mouth at the moment...maybe it was no big deal to him. I have to give him credit for saying how he loved his wife, and how he didn't want to hurt her by letting her know.

No disrespect to your friend, but maybe she's being a bit overly dramatic about the whole thing, should something that may have just been an unthinking blurb on his part affect the overall friendship forever?? Is she over-reacting, could he just have said something stupid, without the intent to follow up on it?

I dunno, after reading his reaction, I wonder if he's as much of a creep as we're making him. Also, if they were friends for so long, and nothing like this happened in the past, isn't that a clue that maybe it was the alcohol talking, was he drinking during the dinner? You shouldn't have to say sorry to all the guys, I'm not married to a lustful a*hole, and he would agree that the guy spoke out of turn, and acted like a jerk, no matter what his excuse.
 
SeaBreeze said:
You know, from his reaction, maybe it was just something stupid that popped out of his mouth at the moment...maybe it was no big deal to him. I have to give him credit for saying how he loved his wife, and how he didn't want to hurt her by letting her know.

No disrespect to your friend, but maybe she's being a bit overly dramatic about the whole thing, should something that may have just been an unthinking blurb on his part affect the overall friendship forever?? Is she over-reacting, could he just have said something stupid, without the intent to follow up on it?

I dunno, after reading his reaction, I wonder if he's as much of a creep as we're making him. Also, if they were friends for so long, and nothing like this happened in the past, isn't that a clue that maybe it was the alcohol talking, was he drinking during the dinner? You shouldn't have to say sorry to all the guys, I'm not married to a lustful a*hole, and he would agree that the guy spoke out of turn, and acted like a jerk, no matter what his excuse.
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Very well said, SeaBreeze.
 

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