Picky Parents and Furniture

ronk

ronk

Member
This is a weird situation for me. I moved back to Minnesota a couple years ago because the rest of my immediate family had resettled here. I wanted to make the most of our remaining years. I'm 66. I moved into the same building with my brother who is 68. My parents live nearby. At first, we all got together at my apartment once a month to watch Wrestling Pay Per View events. My parents stopped doing that because of difficulties involving night vision driving, etc. Now they might come over once every 3-6 months.

I've done my best to make sure the apartment is clean and comfy when they visit. But apparently they want more control over what I do with the apartment. I have lots of audio, video and computer equipment. I have a 6-foot wire shelving unit that handles my DVD collection and misc video stuff. I added a 6ft table to use as a computer desk. I totally re-arranged the apartment in order to have room for both the 6ft wire shelving and the 6ft desk (table). That was several months ago.

My parents stopped by today, and my step mother said "Ron, you turned things around!" I guess she wasn't happy. Dad and I have had short conversations about this in the past. He just doesn't seem to understand.

I don't go to their house and tell them how to arrange their furniture. Why should they need to approve my furniture arrangement?! Especially if they were only coming over every few months! I debated about these recent changes for around a year before finally coming to this arrangement.
 

It's your living space, and if anybody else doesn't like it they can lump it. Why would they feel they have the right to approve/disapprove of your furniture arrangement? Tell them to mind their own business. Or perhaps more gently, tell them it's your place and you like it that way.
 
Ron, I hear you. Some parents never see us as adults, but attempt to exert control as if we were children. I recall my mother, narcissist extraordinaire, attempting to dictate to me where I should put her furniture once I inherited it after her death. Lol. Stand firm, it is your apartment, your furniture, your life. This is really not about you at all, but about aging individuals on a

major power trip. They have no right to interfere in your life whatsoever. They are attempting to bully you into relinquishing your sovereignty.
 

ronknights said:
My parents stopped by today, and my step mother said "Ron, you turned things around!" I guess she wasn't happy. Dad and I have had short conversations about this in the past. He just doesn't seem to understand.

I don't go to their house and tell them how to arrange their furniture. Why should they need to approve my furniture arrangement?! Especially if they were only coming over every few months! I debated about these recent changes for around a year before finally coming to this arrangement.
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Did she say any more about it than making the statement that you turned it around? If not, it sounds to me like she was just stating a fact, not disapproving. In any case, it's your place and you don't need Mom and Dad's approval to redecorate. It sounds like you have it arranged to fit your lifestyle. All that matters is that you like it.
 
When your stepmother says, "Ron, you've changed things around!" your answer should be "Yep, I did." Discussion finished....change the subject.

Some elderly folks are very set in their ways and don't like ANY changes. You have to deal with it like you would deal with a cranky 3-year-old. Redirect, don't discuss.
 
Or just listen for a minute or two and change the conversation. If they keep coming back with suggestions, tell them you'll have to think about that. When they come again, tell them the same thing or that you have thought about it but no. You like it that way and quickly, change the subject.
 
We've had this type of conversation at various times over the past couple years at least. My parents live about 30 miles away. They have a car, and I don't. The majority of our get togethers would be here since my brother & I don't have the transportation to drive over to their place.

Today's "discussion" was rather short. Apparently my step mother didn't plan for an actual visit. I'd asked them to bring over some chicken soup and stuff to help me recover from Salmonella (I had some bad chicken last week.) She made her statement and they left rather soon after that. But they hadn't planned to stay.

I've just decided to go ahead and do things my own way. I lived in Maine from 1999-2014, while my parents lived in Florida and Georgia. In more recent years. I put on live Internet "TV shows," and needed room for all the equipment (lighting, computers etc.) I've been meaning to start doing live shows again. That's one reason I've started making this new arrangement.

I don't think we need to discuss this much. They only come over every few months now anyway. I was mainly wondering how other people felt about such a situation.
 
I would just make light of it Ron and move onto another subject. It's your home, no rules just right, whatever you want to do that suits your lifestyle and makes you comfortable go for it. When their visit is over, you will be the one there day and night with your furniture arrangement. You can't please all of the people all of the time, some will always find fault if they look hard enough.
 
Agree. Say "Yes," change the subject, wipe it out of your mind, and move on. [And take comfort in the fact that nothing annoys most control freaks more than being ignored.:playful:]
 
Thanks, friends. You might be interested to note that Dad finally told me I'm not invited to his place because they're afraid I'd break their furniture. Back in 2009 I won an Internet contest, and got $500 to visit them in Georgia. I spent my vacation working on Dad's computer, and broke a $500 chair! They're still mad at me!
 
ronknights said:
Thanks, friends. You might be interested to note that Dad finally told me I'm not invited to his place because they're afraid I'd break their furniture. Back in 2009 I won an Internet contest, and got $500 to visit them in Georgia. I spent my vacation working on Dad's computer, and broke a $500 chair! They're still mad at me!
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Hmmm. What would it have cost them I wonder to hire someone to work on your dad's computer? More than the chair I wager. More narcissistic behaviour. If it wasn't the chair, it would be something else. IMHO these peeps are sailing the Good Ship Self Righteous all over your self esteem. Toxic bullying behaviour. No pleasing such individuals.
 
I weigh over 300 pounds. My stepmother loves to buy Dad expensive wooden office chairs. I sat at that chair for countless hours working on Dad's computers. That's what gripes me. I won $500, and used the money to visit them for the Holidays. I devoted all those hours to working on Dad's computer. They never expressed any gratitude. But all these years later, all I hear is that I broke a chair!
 
Oh my goodness.. I want to say is that all but I realize that may not sound very good. However if I had a son who accidently broke a chair regardless of how I would not keep reprimanding him forever. Accidents happen.

Sweetie, next time you win anything you go and spend it on someone more important like YOU or better still come and fix my computer, bless your heart, and don't waste your time with them. Shalimar is so right
a
If my son would spend so much time on my computer I would be amazed as well as grateful!!

Look after you.

XX Jeannine
 
Jeannine, thanks for your kind words. Interestingly, I was doing a live internet show when I got word that one of my internet idols had a live drawing on his show. I won the contest. We were asked to say what we wanted most for Christmas. I said I wanted to see my parents in Georgia again. So I won the prize, while broadcasting live on my show.

On the first night in Atlanta, I had some coffee and some beer. I suffer from chronic depression. My body reacts very strongly to caffeine, etc. I felt so depressed the morning after that I was ready to go back to Maine right away.

My Dad has been married 3 times. He married this wife back in 1980. His wife had 3 grown children at the time. She's done her best to shove us away from the family ever since. I thought she'd eased up on that situation recently.
 
Shalimar, thanks. But I'm far from perfect. I've messed up my own life countless times, and Dad has all too often been there to bail me out.

Our family had been split up for about 30 years. My parents moved around the US, and even spent a year in England. My brother David remained in Minnesota. I moved to Florida and then Maine, to get married. My troubled marriage lasted 6 years, and I stayed in Maine after it ended.

By 2014, my parents had been resettled in Minnesota, and I figured it was a good time for me to return to MN as well. We've had some good times. Dad paid the expenses for me to move to MN, to get settled, etc. He's bought me plenty of goodies as well.

I just wish the generosity wasn't sometimes followed or accompanied by negativity.
 
It is tough sometimes to understand why some folks do what they do and it is very common for good people do less than good things.
I am sorry to hear about your battle with depression, I am lucky in that I have never had that problem but I do have a very close family member who is severely Bipolar and I see almost on a daily basis how it effects her/

I see some very positive things in your words though. It must be very interesting to do your live internet shows, it sounds very complex and I am sure it would be totally beyond me. you should be very proud of that accomplishment, I do well if I manage to get on a computer let alone be able to fix one so I envy you on that one.

Although I think we need to put ourselves first sometimes , I also think we need to try to see the good in folks, I think you are doing that. It is very hard to be around negativity it can pull you down so you have to be a bit protective of your own health, easy to say but not so easy to do.

Anyway you lay off that coffee, I rarely drink it as it seems to always make me very thirsty.

Maybe if you get a few spare mmoents you could explain to me about your internet show, I have no knowledge of how that works and it sounds interesting.
 
Jeannine, I gave up doing live shows back in 2011. I had done YouTube videos since 2008 and branched out to the live shows awhile later. I got burnt out, and attacked by countless trolls that hurt me deeply. No I rarely even do the YouTube videos. I get very few views or responses, so I figure it isn't worth the trouble.

Our family has a history of emotional difficulties. There's a long story in itself..perhaps for another day.
 
I can't even remember the last time both of my parents visited my apartment. It might have been my brother's birthday in June. In the past two years since I moved back to MN, I've actually made efforts to make this apartment more comfy for guests. When I lived in Maine, I only bothered to have one easy chair in the living room. I never had company, and wanted more room for computer stuff etc.

This past weekend I was suffering from Salmonella, due to tainted chicken. I told my Dad I couldn't eat any of the food I had in my place. I asked him to bring over some chicken soup & stuff I could eat. My step-mother showed no interest in my health. She really just wanted to dump the food and leave. I've decided to just go ahead and do what I want with the apartment.
 

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