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One morning a call came in to the school office.

"Hello, please mark William absent today.

He's sick," said the caller.

"Okay," said the receptionist.

"May I ask who is speaking?"

"My uncle," said William.



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A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers. One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth. About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here ", she said. "This came in the mail today ". The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!"
 
John: Do you know how big the world's biggest nose was?

David: Eleven inches

John: That's not very long.

David: If it was any longer, it would be a foot.
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A man was standing in a line at a bank to withdraw cash. After an hour his turn came and he gave his bank details to the cashier. The cashier said, "I am sorry, sir. There's no cash."

Fuming with anger, the man rushed to the manager's room and yelled at him. "You are a big bank and you don't have cash? Close my account!" he demanded.

The manager pacified the man and rushed to the cashier. Minutes later he returned and the man asked, "Did you bring my cash or you are still running out of it?"

The manager replied, "Sir, we have enough cash. Unfortunately, your account does not."



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"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked Dewey, the new husband.

"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.
 
The boss had listened in sympathetic silence as Mario went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise.

Then, with a compassionate smile, the CEO patted he younger man on the shoulder. “Yes, Mario,” he said kindly, “I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you… and some day you’ll thank me for it.”
 
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. ~~~She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions. " ~~~She says, "Why all the clocks in the window? "~~~And he says, "And what should I have in my window? "
 
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