Ignore it if you don't care. This is my journey to pride. Full disclosure.
I was an only child. From a young age I was feminine. My grandmother used to put me in her high heels when I was 3 y/o. I was a chubby, "sissy" kid when I was in elementary school. We moved from NC to FL when I was 8 y/o and I gave up all my friends. The older kids in my new neighborhood used to knock me off my bike and ask me if I was a girl. I went to bed crying every night.
I was determined to lose weight when I went to junior high. I went through puberty, took Dexatrim and starved myself. It worked. I was 135 pounds. I gave a girl a "steady bracelet" in junior high. We went steady for a few days, then one of her friends gave it back to me and said she no longer wanted to go steady because I was a "sissy and a queer". I was devastated and decided I needed to act more masculine. I did everything from giving up certain clothes to walking with a more manly gait.
I then went to a Southern Baptist high school, and since I hated myself for being gay I chose to have a girlfriend for 3 years. I was finally masculine-acting a decent looking. She pursued me until I agreed to date her. I truly loved her and we were intimate, but I knew I preferred men. I continued to date women in college, until I came out at 22 years old. It was a difficult time because I still had low self esteem so establishing a long-term relationship was almost impossible. I had several, but they never worked out. When my mother found out I was gay, she sent me to a psychiatrist who told me I was fine.
I lived through a very homophobic time in the 80's, where my new car was keyed with "queer" on the side and some of my friends died of AIDS. It was a horrible time. I also lived through a couple of abusive relationships. I did have a wonderful partner for 6 years. My parents loved him, but when we broke up my mother said "now you can finally marry a woman".
It wasn't until the early 90's when I was in my early 30s and started to be more comfortable with myself that I met my hubby. There were many years during my career when my co-workers didn't know about him. We have now been together for 34 years. It was when I was resigned to being alone and focusing on myself that we met.
I went through a deep depression in 2006. I went to a therapist who asked me to revisit my "8 year old self". He said I had "buried that boy". I cried uncontrollably when I thought of the sacrifices I had made just to not be my true self.
It has not been an easy journey to self-acceptance but I can now say that I'm happy with who I am and I have pride for what I have accomplished. For me, that is the true meaning of Pride.
Whew! This was cathartic.
I was an only child. From a young age I was feminine. My grandmother used to put me in her high heels when I was 3 y/o. I was a chubby, "sissy" kid when I was in elementary school. We moved from NC to FL when I was 8 y/o and I gave up all my friends. The older kids in my new neighborhood used to knock me off my bike and ask me if I was a girl. I went to bed crying every night.
I was determined to lose weight when I went to junior high. I went through puberty, took Dexatrim and starved myself. It worked. I was 135 pounds. I gave a girl a "steady bracelet" in junior high. We went steady for a few days, then one of her friends gave it back to me and said she no longer wanted to go steady because I was a "sissy and a queer". I was devastated and decided I needed to act more masculine. I did everything from giving up certain clothes to walking with a more manly gait.
I then went to a Southern Baptist high school, and since I hated myself for being gay I chose to have a girlfriend for 3 years. I was finally masculine-acting a decent looking. She pursued me until I agreed to date her. I truly loved her and we were intimate, but I knew I preferred men. I continued to date women in college, until I came out at 22 years old. It was a difficult time because I still had low self esteem so establishing a long-term relationship was almost impossible. I had several, but they never worked out. When my mother found out I was gay, she sent me to a psychiatrist who told me I was fine.
I lived through a very homophobic time in the 80's, where my new car was keyed with "queer" on the side and some of my friends died of AIDS. It was a horrible time. I also lived through a couple of abusive relationships. I did have a wonderful partner for 6 years. My parents loved him, but when we broke up my mother said "now you can finally marry a woman".
It wasn't until the early 90's when I was in my early 30s and started to be more comfortable with myself that I met my hubby. There were many years during my career when my co-workers didn't know about him. We have now been together for 34 years. It was when I was resigned to being alone and focusing on myself that we met.
I went through a deep depression in 2006. I went to a therapist who asked me to revisit my "8 year old self". He said I had "buried that boy". I cried uncontrollably when I thought of the sacrifices I had made just to not be my true self.
It has not been an easy journey to self-acceptance but I can now say that I'm happy with who I am and I have pride for what I have accomplished. For me, that is the true meaning of Pride.
Whew! This was cathartic.
