Pushing your partner to achieve, (for good or ill)

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
An aunt of mine was said by my father, to have pushed her husband on quite a bit during their marriage. She was a much loved aunt, with many fine qualities, and who knows whether my father was right in his assessment(?).

It could have been the case my uncle, (who is still with us), was simply self driven, or its possible it was just a matter of them both wishing to achieve success in their farming, (and would it be wrong if my aunt had pushed her husband forward?).

There we are, a thread about the aspects of having ambitions related to your partner! :)
 

While I understand the concept you’re wanting to discuss, I don’t like the word “push,” it implies force. Forcing your partner is never a good idea or a healthy choice.

Encouragement however is wonderful in a relationship. So is support. But it also depends on what you’re wanting your partner to do or not do.

Urging your partner to take the job offered to him/her is very different than demanding he/she have more ambition. Wanting your partner to reliably take out the garbage is very different than bitching at him/her about procrastinating.

Presumably you know your partner well enough to know their general qualities and flaws. You know they’re ambitious or lazy. You know they are organized or sloppy in their habits. You know that they’re impulsive or a planner. You know they’re frugal about money or haphazard. So trying to tell your partner to be different about any of these qualities is unfair.

But sure, zeroing in the specifics related to these things and encouraging change is fine. Demanding a partner change a core quality is however unfair when you knew that about them going into the relationship and accepted that.
 
Ronni said:
While I understand the concept you’re wanting to discuss, I don’t like the word “push,” it implies force. Forcing your partner is never a good idea or a healthy choice.
Encouragement however is wonderful in a relationship. So is support. But it also depends on what you’re wanting your partner to do or not do.
Urging your partner to take the job offered to him/her is very different than demanding he/she have more ambition. Wanting your partner to reliably take out the garbage is very different than bitching at him/her about procrastinating.

Presumably you know your partner well enough to know their general qualities and flaws. You know they’re ambitious or lazy. You know they are organized or sloppy in their habits. You know that they’re impulsive or a planner. You know they’re frugal about money or haphazard. So trying to tell your partner to be different about any of these qualities is unfair.

But sure, zeroing in the specifics related to these things and encouraging change is fine. Demanding a partner change a core quality is however unfair when you knew that about them going into the relationship and accepted that.
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A farming friend of my fathers had a crude way of putting things, either indicating the husband was being encouraged or pushed.

He said: "A woman could take a man further than dynamite could blow him".

As far as my aunt goes, and her husband, my earliest recollections of them, on a very small farm where they started their married life, was of an extremely happy couple. It was the case that my uncle later on seemed to suffer from stress, (though he never spoke of it, my aunt told my mother). The level of confidence, and competence as a farmer of my uncle has always seemed very impressive to me, but I suppose my father would have understood how my uncle seemed to him when life wasn't going quite so smoothly.

I liked your responses though, even whilst at the same time I am not against a spouse motivating their partner, however he or she does it, even if some "pushing" is involved, so long as it works for them both ultimately.
 

CarolfromTX said:
How other people conduct their marriage is none of my business, nor yours either.
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It doesn't have to be, I'm not suggesting that, except in the case mentioned in the OP where my father stated my aunt had in some ways pushed my uncle too hard, and she had to admit he'd gone through a difficult period.

You cant think my father was wrong to state his opinion as to what had happened, (and as far as I'm aware he didn't try to tell either my aunt or uncle, so he wasn't interfering by giving me his opinion, and no doubt discussing it with my mother).

All have had high opinions of one another here, (both my aunt and uncle, and my parents), but its simply not possible to completely ignore what you feel you can see with your own two eyes, and then who was to tell my father who he could speak to in his own family(?).

I dont wish to pry into your marriage in any way, but if others wish to share their views on the thread topic, I dont want to stop that either.
 
"Love Again" by John Denver, ("song interlude")

I didn't think it could happen again
I'm just too old and set in my ways
I was convinced I would always be lonely
All of the rest of my days

Maybe I give up on romance
In my longing to give up the pain
I just didn't believe I would ever love again

I was like one who had shut myself in
Closed the windows, locked all the doors
Afraid of the dark and the beat of my heart
Yet knowing there had to be more

Though it sounds like a great contradiction
It's the easiest thing to explain
You see, I was afraid I might never love again

What does it take for a blind man to see
That there's more there than just meets the eye?
What are the ways that the magic comes in
That can turn a song into a sigh?

Sometimes I think that I'm dreaming
Or maybe I'm going insane
Or maybe it's just that I'm falling in love again

Here I am standing beside you
Oh, life's such a wonderful game

Look at me now, I'm falling in love
Look at me now, I'm falling in love
Look at me now, I'm falling in love again

 
NorthernLight said:
I don't like pushing anyone to do anything. I had a friend who said his wife was bugging him to practice the guitar again. I said, "How awful." He replied, "No, I love it!" So we're all different I guess.
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Some more expert opinions, (no lack of advice or interference here for those uneasy with this aspect of life):

Quote:
"The more you push your boyfriend toward what you think he should be doing with his life, the more stress you create in your relationship. It’s important to be honest, to tell your boyfriend that you’re uncomfortable with his lack of ambition and motivation. But it’s not productive or helpful to keep telling him that life is meant to be an adventure! You want to motivate your boyfriend, not alienate him.

Change is hard! Your boyfriend won’t suddenly become ambitious or motivated, no matter how much you talk, hope, or pray.

Think about it this way: What was the last thing you tried to change about yourself? I bet it wasn’t easy; personal change is rarely swift and simple. There are probably lots of things you want to change about yourself, but you can’t or won’t or don’t know how. Change takes time, effort, perseverance, and motivation. It also requires emotional, spiritual, and intellectual energy – and you have to really want to change.

If it’s that hard to change yourself when you’re motivated and want to change, think how hard it would be to change your unmotivated, unambitious boyfriend! Impossible. Maybe you’ll motivate him to get a job, but you won’t change the fundamental aspect of his personality or character that makes him lack ambition or motivation for future.

You can’t change your boyfriend. You have enough on your hands with your own life! You have your path, goals, plans, hopes and dreams. Focus your energy and attention on your own journey, and allow your boyfriend to walk his own path. Reflect and even pray about your future with him…is he the right partner for you, for a long-term commitment? If your boyfriend doesn’t have goals and you have exciting plans for your life, you may need to rethink your relationship."

https://www.theadventurouswriter.com/blog/my-boyfriend-is-not-ambitious-will-he-drag-me-down/
 
Jamala said:
I agree with you in many ways (leaving out the word 'push'), I feel encouragement and good advice in a marriage leads to a successful partnership.
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I do appreciate your way of dealing with things, but do feel we dont have to get too soft about things here.

My aunt saying she pushed her husband, or my dad saying she had, (she never mentioned any of these things to me of course), and as stated in my second post above, (the one after the OP obviously), of all the couples I've ever seen in my life, my aunt and uncle were one of the happiest unions I believe I've ever seen.
 
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Here is an interesting take on being "pushy":
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...hance-success-later-life-says-new-report.html

And another:
https://non-perfectdad.co.uk/does-every-sport-success-have-a-pushy-parent-behind-them/

This one says theirs "science" behind it:
https://www.mamamia.com.au/pushy-parents-study/

Quote:
"As frustrating as having a pushy parent (and being one, too) can be, studies show that having a nagging mum actually makes women more successful thank you very much.

The 2015 study from The University of Essex, UK, which has recently re-emerged, studied 15,500 girls aged between 13 and 14 for a period of seven years.

The study found that girls with mothers who had high expectations of their behaviour were more likely to attend university, earn a high salary and end up in stable relationships.

It all sounds pretty ideal actually.

Ericka Rascon-Ramirez, a researcher in the study, told a UK newspaper that parenting styles end up influencing children’s choices long term.

“In many cases we succeeded in doing what we believed was more convenient for us, even when this was against our parents’ will. But no matter how hard we tried to avoid our parents’ recommendations, it is likely that they ended up influencing, in a more subtle manner, choices that we had considered extremely personal,” she said."
 
A bit more research:
https://lampinternationaltt.com/how-can-you-be-assertive-without-coming-across-as-pushy/

Quote:
"How can you be assertive WITHOUT coming across as pushy? First, understand that there is a fundamental difference between the two and that is INTENT. When you are being assertive you are mindful of the INTENT behind your communication. When you are pushy, your primary concern is yourself.

That being said, bear in mind that communication is a 2-way street. There is a Receiver and a Sender. Sometimes, if the Receiver is distracted or not fully involved in understanding the message being sent, the message or behaviour could be perceived as pushy. Most times, you have the power to control it.

Behaviour is situational and very often subjective. We each bring to bear on a situation all our experiences, expectations, judgments, thoughts and emotions. These are different for every individual so no two will have the same interpretation.

When discussing assertiveness, I am also mindful that there is often a gender bias. Women and men behave differently and interpret the behaviours of the other through the lens of what they know."

Assertive.1.jpg
 
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