Questions About Gravesites

Been There

Been There

Well-known Member
Location
Florida
I have posted very few times on this forum compared to a lot of others, so I may still be an unknown to many of you. I have noticed that when people have a question about their issues there have been some good suggestions, so I thought I would give this my issue a try. ( I was very hesitant about doing this, but thought, oh, go ahead.)

I was born in Northeastern Ohio in Lake County. I was orphaned at 9 years of age because my parents were both killed in an auto accident. I was also an only child to them. At the time, I had no idea how the decision was made, but my dad’s parents ended up raising me. Sometimes, I get that part mixed up because both Grandparents lived just a few farms apart, which explains how my parents met. They were high school sweethearts and the same age with birthdays in the same month.

My Grandparents owned a small farm in Southcentral Ohio, so I had to move shortly after my parent's funeral, leaving all my friends behind and starting at a new school just before Labor Day. The farm produced enough income for all of us to live comfortably, but we were not wealthy by any means. I would call it being in the middle of the middle-income bracket by today’s standards.

Gramps had one other man helping him and I started helping just a few days after my arrival, which I enjoyed. I wasn’t made to do any of the more laborious jobs, but did help with the 5 am milking before I left for school, which I enjoyed. You learn to go to bed early when you live on a farm and have early morning duties.

Getting to my question, here goes. The anniversary date of my parent’s death is approaching and every 5 years, I have made it a point to return to where they are buried and place flowers on their graves. I also do the same for my Grandparents. This is a sad time for me, but I feel it is necessary to do it as a way of honoring them. It also helps to remove some of my guilt for not visiting the gravesites more often. I live in Norther Virginia, but am looking to move, but not back to Ohio. I like Tennessee, Alabama, or Pensacola. Being a graduate of the Naval Academy and in the Marines for 30 years retiring as a Lt. Col., I would feel at home in Pensacola.

Now that you have a pretty good idea of my background, my question is, do you think I should be going to my parent’s gravesite more often and do you think I should have the little bronze markers that are in the ground replaced by headstones? That's the real issue. The reason I wanted to replace the markers is because they are small and do not give much information. Both of my parents came from large families and a few of them are very well off and they go for the material things in life. I told the one sister after she had complained to feel free to replace the markers. I would give them permission, if they so desired to do it. After that, she never raised the issue again, but others did and still do. I think some of their animosity comes from me being the single heir to my parent's estate. I am almost certain it is because it have been mentioned on more than 1 occasion. Now that I am older and my feelings about such things have changed, I feel kind of guilty and that maybe I should replace the markers in the ground.

For those of you that have read this pretty long post and know what this is all about, what do you think?

Thanks for reading this long post and any suggestions that you have made. I do apologize for the length of this post. I realize many posters tend to skip over these long stories.
 

I'll tell you what I feel and do about this, but it is not likely the same as you, and you need to do what is best for you.

I remember people, and honor them by those memories. I do not feel gravesites are sacred, or that visiting them is important. My father and grandparents are not really there, just a marker with names. My father and paternal grandparents are in the same small cemetery in rural Louisiana, but close to I-10. When I happen to be driving by I have occasionally stopped, but that's about all.

My mother was cremated and as she requested her ashes were spread in the Gulf of Mexico, I think of her often when I see the water. I am not even sure where my maternal grandparents are, somewhere in Louisiana, I could probably find out, but don't feel the need. Good people, and I remember them well and often, just don't feel a need to visit grave sites.

Do what feels right to you, that's what matters now.
 
It won’t make a dimes worth of difference to your parents and grandparents.

It’s important for me to visit my family burial plots each Memorial Day and remember them with a pot of flowers

If that becomes impossible at some point there are many ways for me to honor their memories by doing a little good right where I am.

IMO the important thing is that you honor their memories with a place in your heart. ❤️
 

After I read the first few suggestions, I thought I should have been a bit clearer. You will have to keep in mind that I was 9 years old at the time. I barely new anything about my family, including aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents, which number many. It’s a large family.

My grandpa had told me that the reason grandma and he raised me was because the brothers and sisters of my parents argued over who was going to raise me. It wasn’t a battle because they all wanted me, it was a battle because no one wanted to take on the job. That was his opinion.

After my dad’s grandparents stepped in and said he and grandma was going to raise me, things calmed down among the others, but grandma and grandpa decided to disconnect from the “whole bunch,” which was grandpa’s words. I didn’t know how to take that, but grandpa then said, it wasn’t because they didn’t see me as a burden, but that they didn’t want the responsibility because they were all under the impression that they would have had to adopt me and that would have been very expensive with paying for probate and then the adoption. I kind of understood.

As it turned out, we were made for each another. After I was older, I told grandpa that he and grandma shouldn’t hold their decision against them because they had kids of their own to raise, so expenses had to be considered, but grandpa said I should have seen how these people acted. He was ashamed of his sons and daughters to the point where he told them not to come around anymore and each time that they would call, they would tell them they weren’t ready to talk to them yet. Those people were very afraid that that grandpa would leave everything to me, but at the end, they were all given their fair share with a castigation in a letter that went along with it.

It was hard for a little boy whose life was just turned upside down to go on without having questions that I needed answered. My first fear was that I would end up in an orphanage. I was really scared that was going to happen until grandpa told my caseworker that he wasn’t going to send me off to an orphanage and I was there when he said it to hear it. They did not adopt me, but did apply to the court to be my Guardians and the Judge agreed.

After I got older and was in senior high school, I began to realize that without my parents, I wouldn’t be able to show them how responsible I was, how I continued my education, how I advanced in the military and so many other things. I never got married, but do occasionally date. I dated one lady for almost 7 years and was preparing to propose, but she became ill and died. I was beginning to believe that I was a jinx. I talked to the psychiatrist on staff and that helped a lot.

Life has not been all that easy for me. I question a lot of things. I have very little trust in people and I am at times paranoid. I try to keep it all in so no one will think I am bonkers.

I think moving will be a good change for me. I live in Fairfax County, VA, which is about 10 miles from Washington. It's overcrowded, expensive and the summers are super humid. If I am outside on one of their super humid days, I have trouble breathing and have to go back inside. I have been to a lot hotter places and no problems breathing. It's the humidity. It's so think that a haze appears at times.
 
I am someone who visits cemeteries as often as I can. But not for the reasons you are thinking about. I have worked on finding my ancestors, people I never knew existed. My parents both have gravestones on their graves but because my father took care of all that when my mother died. It was important to him.

My opinion is that I do not think it is important to visit the cemetery to honor your parents. It is more important to not forget them. Whether they have a headstone or not is not up to other family members. I would not let others influence me to do things I do not want to do.

I honor my parents by having their photographs where I see them every day. It is for me.......not them.
 
My family has a large plot in New Jersey, and we live on the West Coast. I light a memorial candle for each of them on the anniversary of their death every year. That is the way I honor my parents.
A year after my mother's death, their was a ceremony to unveil her stone. I could not see me flying 6 hours each way plus an hour and a half drive to the cemetery for a10 minute ceremony.
 
First, I want to thank you for your service to our country. Second, I believe that graves are for the living in that our lost love-ones are no longer aware of earthly activities. My family are all gone and buried in a small town about 3 hours from where I live. The only time I was at their graves, was to attend the graveside service after their deaths. I think of them often and honor them in my mind frequently, when something I am doing reminds me of one of them.

But, I also believe to each his/her own! Do what makes you feel good as you will be the only one impacted by your actions.
 
I think you should do whatever satisfies yourself. I don’t know if there is a right or wrong thing here. As for headstones, I have seen some very large, unnecessary stones with lots of info on them. Why? I don’t know, but if you are able to afford them, I see nothing wrong buying a headstone and put on the name, the dates of birth and death and if your dad was in the military, you may want to also add an icon of a rifle or whatever reflects the branch of service he served in. I know a fellow that when his dad died, he put up a stone and had a real nice tribute inscribed on it.
 
The Spousal Equivalent already has his gravestone installed next to his parents in the family plot. It freaks me out when I see it. His kin are big on elaborate funerals and graves.

Most of my deceased family members' ashes are floating around somewhere in a body of water. I visit them in my heart and dreams.

Mine are going to be dumped in a waterfall..
 
I visit the gravesites of my grandparents every few years. I do a little cleaning up, planting flowers, etc. I do this because I know it was their way of doing things, and what they would have expected. It is in honor of them. I do not visit my parent's gravesite. They are in a cemetery that is maintained and I honestly do not care to honor them. I have asked my children to scatter my ashes. If they are to honor me I would prefer they do so in their hearts. I think it is totally up to you and you should try not to feel any pressure or guilt.
 
I liked your story! Glad you decided to 'go for it' :)

I would just say that you should do whatever YOU want to do and pay NO attention to the others who keep mentioning about grave markers. The dead are well ... dead so they don't care or even know who's at their gravesite how often or what kind of marker they have at their grave sites. Again, it really just boils down to doing what makes YOU feel good about the situation and that includes both the grave markers & how often you visit the sites. There no shame in just keeping our good memories of loved ones in our head where we can visit them as often as we like.

As an aside, if the summer humidity bothers you so much in Virginia where you are now, would that not be even worse in Pensacola or Alabama? I've read many stories of people retiring to Tennessee though. It seems to be a very popular retirement spot, for some reason
 
The sad thing about cemetery head stones is it only takes a few generations and those sites are never visited again.

I say leave the markers as they are. If you want to create a memorial of sorts get creative. I dug dirt out of my grandmother's flower bed (she loved her flowers), I made a nice potted plant and gave it to my niece who is named after my grandmother. It makes my niece happy knowing anywhere she lives in her life she can take a bit of that family history with her.

Find something that connects you to your parents lives, it can truly be anything, then create a memorial you can keep wherever you go.

The other thing I did was bury little tokens in the dirt at my family's graves. Picture of my kids for my mom, strohs bottle cap for my dad, little motorcycle for my brother, lucky stone for gram.

Silly and meaningless in reality, but it lets me feel connected somehow.
 
You have not had it easy. I'm so sorry for your loss at such a young age. Forget that extended "family." And no, you do not need to visit your parent's graves more often. They would care about you and your life, not visiting their graves all these years later. If you want to change the markers to include more information about your parent's, that's a personal, loving and valid reason to do so. But don't do it out of obligation, especially to those living. Do it for yourself if you so choose.
 
Been There said:
I feel kind of guilty and that maybe I should replace the markers in the ground.
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Since you were only 9 at the time, I'm guessing the grandparents chose to only do the small markers? I'd feel like if the parents of your parents were content with modest grave markers for their children that indicates that it was okay to the people in the family that you care most about. And perhaps they knew (or felt they knew) what your parents themselves would have wanted. Did your grandparents ever mention the markers or express a desire to put up different headstones?

I think visiting every five years is awesome. I haven't ever visited my parents' graves yet, but my daughter has/does.
 
HoneyNut said:
Since you were only 9 at the time, I'm guessing the grandparents chose to only do the small markers? I'd feel like if the parents of your parents were content with modest grave markers for their children that indicates that it was okay to the people in the family that you care most about. And perhaps they knew (or felt they knew) what your parents themselves would have wanted. Did your grandparents ever mention the markers or express a desire to put up different headstones?

I think visiting every five years is awesome. I haven't ever visited my parents' graves yet, but my daughter has/does.
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Back when the other few family members were complaining about replacing the small markers, my grandpa told me to just ignore them, so I did. My one uncle on my dad's side told me that because I inherited most everything from my parents, including the house, I should have no problem putting up a decent headstone. I had told him at the time that I would look into it, but never did. It was never about the cost. That uncle, which was my dad's brother, is now deceased. He got my dad's old car that was left to him in the will. My uncle used to tell dad that if anything ever happened to him that he would like the car. It was a 1955 Desoto and that's all I know about it.
 
My mother and dad are buried in Louisiana in a church graveyard. When I visit my sister there I try to go and visit them. The main thing I do is contribute to the cemetery fund there that takes care of the graves. Do what is comfortable for you.
 
terry123 said:
My mother and dad are buried in Louisiana in a church graveyard. When I visit my sister there I try to go and visit them. The main thing I do is contribute to the cemetery fund there that takes care of the graves. Do what is comfortable for you.
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That's a good idea that I never considered. Thanks.
 

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