Reflections of My Life

Sonny's dog, French Fry died yesterday afternoon. He called me and I could not understand a word he was saying but knew what he meant. She was laying on his bed and he was right next to her talking to her the whole time. He said she looked right into his eyes when she took her last breath. She was twelve and had put on weight after her back legs were impaired in 2019. But she was the boss of his house and the other dogs. I will miss her when I go to his house. She would always squirm her way between us if we were sitting on the couch watching television. If I stopped petting her because I thought she was sleeping, she would nudge me with her nose.

Sonny's daughter and grandchildren and great grand children came over and spent the rest of the day and evening with him. They helped him bury French Fry next to his other dog and her companion, Tater. It had been a stressful couple of weeks for him. I hope that does not affect his heart. Now his next dog, Spud, is old too and he always looks to me like he is not good. Losing them is so hard.

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katlupe said:
Sonny's dog, French Fry died yesterday afternoon. He called me and I could not understand a word he was saying but knew what he meant. She was laying on his bed and he was right next to her talking to her the whole time. He said she looked right into his eyes when she took her last breath. She was twelve and had put on weight after her back legs were impaired in 2019. But she was the boss of his house and the other dogs. I will miss her when I go to his house. She would always squirm her way between us if we were sitting on the couch watching television. If I stopped petting her because I thought she was sleeping, she would nudge me with her nose.

Sonny's daughter and grandchildren and great grand children came over and spent the rest of the day and evening with him. They helped him bury French Fry next to his other dog and her companion, Tater. It had been a stressful couple of weeks for him. I hope that does not affect his heart. Now his next dog, Spud, is old too and he always looks to me like he is not good. Losing them is so hard.

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Very sad. My condolences to you both.
 
Sonny went to a car show today with his granddaughter and her family. Thought it would be good for him to get away from his house. I didn't go because I don't like to go to gathers much anymore. Or out in the hot weather. Though tomorrow I am going for a drive with Sonny and we are getting some kind of food to take for a picnic. Probably a Subway chopped salad.

A picture Sonny sent me that he took at the car show today.

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Today is Sonny's birthday. So now we are both the same age. I am three days older so I have the right to boss him around! It is supposed to get into the 90's today, so we changed our plans to take a ride and a picnic to the country. Instead we will go to Walmart so I can get some groceries and then pick up a Subway chopped salad and come back here to my air conditioned apartment and watch movies.

I had ordered those things to move furniture with that Holly mentioned on another thread. I got a package of 8 and they worked perfectly for my bed. The trick for me was lifting the corners of the bed frame, which is in corner and hard to get around. I didn't want the bed touching the walls at all but still have room to get around the end of it where my electric outlet is.

So I just now put the table legs on those moving things and what a difference that made! Now I will be able to pull the table out to vacuum and it won't be such a difficult job. But the table was harder to do than the bed. This table my mother bought for me from her sister a long time ago and it is very heavy. I did it though!

The hardest part of living alone is that I can't do some of the easiest things. Like being able to lift stuff. I used to work as CNA and lifted heavy equipment and people al the time. Or when I worked at a horse farm and lifted heavy bags of feed or muck buckets full of manure. I am trying to work on using hand weights for arm exercises only right now. I need to at least improve them.
 
Sonny took me to Walmart yesterday. Well, I walked too much in the store even though I kept my walker seat clear so I sat down a bunch of times. The thing was that the store was packed with a group of Jewish kids that I think arrived to stay at a camp in the area. They were all teens, more boys than girls, but older teens. The boys were acting crazy. Running their carts down the aisles, yelling to each other from one aisle to another. They would gather together in the middle of the aisles talking and Sonny would have to wait for them to move with our cart. I found that by walking right toward them with my walker that they would move a lot faster. They were very polite and did apologize a few times...........did I say LOUD? They were very loud.

I guess it would not have bothered me so much if they didn't push the carts so fast down the aisles. I was afraid of getting hit while I was scoping out the shelf for what I was buying. All the regular people in the store seemed aggravated with the situation. They had two Mercedes vans, one black, one white right at the front door blocking the exit door, loading the groceries. Then Sonny goes to get his car to pick me up at front and finds someone had hit the car and dented one back fender. He was not happy to say the least.

I bought us a Subway chopped salad and ice cream for supper. The salad was really good because this guy that works there was on yesterday and he does a great job. We get double meat on one salad and split it.

Today I plan on taking it easy after I put my groceries away. I left everything out that didn't go in the refrigerator last night. Just knew I could not do it. So whatever I do today, I will be careful.
 
It was 70 degrees out when I got up at five. I figured I better get Jazzy outside my door and get my garbage bag ready to take to the dumpster. Since the sun is not out yet, kinda gray and there was a misty feel to the air. I went out quickly and didn't see or hear a soul. Someone had turned on the fan in the hallway on lower level since the rugs had gotten soaked during that last rain. This morning though, there were some little bugs (that I always called water bugs) down there. Then on the ramp I could see ants and other bugs. They are seeking out water. I just hate bugs! And mice and rats.

This time would have been a good time for the dog people to take their dogs out. A few of them are late sleepers and by the time they get their dogs outside it is hot and they still have to walk on the ramp to get outside. The doors that go outside go directly onto concrete or black top so that is hot for them too. I see the dog owners sitting at the picnic table on the grass while their dogs are out. They didn't used to do that until the couple upstairs started sitting there with their dog.

Before I moved here, as I have probably written about many times, I had limited electric since it came from our solar array and wind turbine. I would get so hot. My face, as well as my arms and legs and feet would be beet red. See my husband loved the hot weather. It did not bother him one bit. He would be outside working in it. I would keep the curtains closed as much as I could because I had to have the windows open to get any breeze I could.

Not having running water, I could not just go take a shower (as I now can) to cool off. I hate that hot sticky feeling. I bought a small fan that I could use (it attaches to the desk) and even smaller one that I charge with a phone charger and I carry that with me sometimes. My only relief was soaking my feet in cold water and surprisingly, it heated up very fast and I had to change it again.

Everyone looked at my life and envied it. That was due to the fact that I can make ANY life look good by what I write. Even here. I try to focus on the positive. So my homesteading friends were pretty surprised that I chose to leave my homestead life and marriage behind for good. I had some people delete me on fakebook. I don't care. I am doing what I must to survive and try to care for my son however I can. Even though I miss some things about living in the forest and being as self-reliant as was possible, I have come to appreciate the things I have living here in this small city.
 
Rabbit does not usually lay his head flat down when he is sleeping in front of me. I suspect he does when he is sleeps in a private spot that I can't see. Sometimes I see him asleep and his head keeps falling down but he will jerk it back up. I want him to just lay down like other rabbits do. It is hard to get a picture when it goes down to almost the floor because if he hears the tiniest noise he wakes right up. This was one of those moments. His chin was on the floor and his ear is aimed toward me.

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I see Sonny's gift was delivered this morning. Just waiting to see when he checks his mail. He has a doctor's appointment,,,,,,,HE SAYS to get his toenails removed but that is not what the doctor said. He has had a severe problem with ingrown toenails. He cannot stand it and the doctor would not give him any pain medicine for it. I can't wait to see his reaction to the tee shirt I ordered for him.

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Raining this morning and I am happy to see it. It felt too dry around here. Not sure what that means as far as the workmen coming to rebuild our drain system that goes under the ramp. It really needs to be done. I was worrying about how I was going to take my daily trip out to the dumpster. Maybe I will ask the guy across the hall. I hate to ask any of men for help because then I start feeling like I owe them something.

There are 9 single men in my building. 4 on my floor alone! 6 single women on the 3rd floor, 5 on my floor, 4 on the first floor. A total 15 single women in the whole building and three are in relationships. 4 couples in the whole building. There are 32 people all together. Plus we have 3 empty apartments right now.

So far as I can tell, everyone seems to get along okay. You always have someone spreading gossip. Reminds me of the telephone game. Last week Sonny took his oxygen tank home from my apartment. It had been here for two years and he hadn't ever used it. So I asked him to take it. One of the men downstairs told me that he sees Sonny is on oxygen now. I said no he has it but doesn't use it unless he needs it. He said he saw him with the oxygen tank and the tube in his nose????? I laughed and said, nope you didn't see that. It was not even a portable tank. One of those big lead things on wheels.

Another time someone told me the police came to my apartment when I was not home. So I called them and they had no idea what I was talking about. One lady said she opened the downstairs door for them and when she asked who they were here to see they said me. I worried about it thinking it had something to do with my son. Nope. Never knew if it was true or not.
 
Today Sonny is coming over to help me by doing my errands for me. Getting money orders for Jeff's rent and my rent and getting some cash for Jeff. Spring mix and bananas for Rabbit. Then we are going to our coffee hour downstairs in the community room.

I think our ramp work must have been put on hold due to the rainy weather. They told us we wouldn't be able to use the ramp for these two days.....yesterday and today, while it was worked on. Well, that didn't happen.

I am constantly trying to think of new ways to make my apartment better. I have a wooden rocking chair that was my father's. It is not an antique or really good quality. I used to sit in it every morning in front of the wood stove when I was still at my house. Patches (my cat) would be on my lap while I had my coffee and Rabbit at my feet begging for nose rubbies. So it is kind of a sentimental thing. It is not comfortable for me or Sonny and to be honest, ever since I got the recliner, that is my chair of choice. I'd give it Jeff but I think he would end up breaking it almost immediately, but maybe I should. If I give it away or donate it I wouldn't know what happened to it anyway.

My apartment is 338 square feet and I wish it was just a tiny bit more. Not really enough room for an extra chair unless I get rid of something else. Not sure that is happening. I wish it also had one more closet but not by sacrificing an inch in the rest of the apartment. This is why I need to clean out my storage area downstairs. Gong to see how I can coordinate my stuff.
 
Happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans!

I don't really celebrate or do anything special for it any longer. When my son was growing up I used to have a family cook out at my home. My parents always enjoyed that and that was the main reason I did it. My brother celebrates it usually with a party at his home. He has LOUD fireworks and black powder shoot outs with the people in his old west re-enactment group. So I don't go. I cannot take the loud noise or the hot weather anymore.

People try to invite me to their celebrations, but I honestly do not want to go. Not even a little bit. I wish they wouldn't feel bad for me, thinking I am alone on a holiday, but I am happy (if they only knew and understood!). My bf, Sonny loves all that stuff and I never understand it. He is on meds that cause him to have to pee about every 10 minutes. His feet swell up in the hot weather too. He has many health issues, but if someone mentions a party for some kind of event.........he's in the car ready to go! It took me a bit to teach him that I REALLY do not want to go. I REALLY do NOT have fun at any of these things.........I don't.

I sit down and that is all I do. I eat soft food only and if I am with Sonny, he brings me a plate. I try not to talk too much around people I do not know due to my dental issues (meaning that I have gotten used to not wearing dentures due to wearing a mask). My brother is the center of attention (as always) and I am quiet and like to stay that way. He is 71 and has a group of followers who are all much younger than his own kids. They like being around the guns and learning about history. And he has a vast knowledge of American history.

My brother in the Spirit of the Old West wild west re-enactment show in 2019 in Harpursville, NY. He is the one with the smokin' gun.

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Over the years, I have written what I call poems. They might not be poems under the professional person's definition, but they are what I wrote. This one I just found today on my desktop and I don't remember writing it. But it must have been in 2018, the year I moved here. I just copied it the way I wrote it.

Seeing the sunrise beyond the hills
from my window, every morning
I thank God for giving me a chance
at a life, that has brought me tears
of happiness, instead of sorrow.

Tears that flow, while I smile,
moved by what I now have every day.
Dark thoughts are gone from my brain,
seeing sunshine everywhere I go.
Feeling the kind of joy that bubbles
from beneath your skin, and out of your heart.

I was compressed into a tiny ball for so long,
that now my happiness makes me glow,
my smiles don’t quit and laughing is
the norm of my day. How can this be?
At this age, at this time of my life,
to feel the freedom that I don’t remember.

Having fun just going on drives, enjoying a picnic, forging for
rabbit food in the countryside, walking along a lake,
or on a dock, riding in a golf cart feeling the wind in
my face on a hot sweltering day. Makes me wonder
if people everywhere were doing this all along.

My happiness is everywhere, I see it in my day to day
life, my bunny rabbit shows his happy mood every
morning doing binkys around my feet, the birds outside
start their morning song, full of happy notes as more
and more join in.

Would it be soothing, if humans did the
same, every morning the neighbors would start singing
their song quite loudly and soon the whole neighborhood is
singing and happy, smiling at each other as they ready themselves
to leave for work. What a place that would be to live!

Actually we may not be singing, but my neighbors are very
friendly and caring, they smile at you as soon as they see you.
Hello, how are you today? Making small talk, yes, but that is only
in the beginning. Having dinner together, after a blessing it is,
a table full of laughter and joking, people caring about one another.
 
Yesterday, I spent a great deal of time scanning in old photos I had in a album that my Mom had put together. I have had these albums ever since she died in 2002 and I thought I had looked through them. I guess not. Or I don't remember. I decided to share them with my cousins on fakebook. All my friends were reacting to them all day. I figure when I go back there today I will have even more notifications than usual.

My mother took pictures a lot through out her life. She took more in her later years after I was grown up. I think that was due to her not working anymore and maybe being able to afford the film and developing. She died before I had my first digital camera. So she did not know the luxury of taking unlimited pictures and being able to view them immediately.

Life is funny, it was not until I got older that all the things I thought were a hobby, have become so highly valued. At least for me. My journals and photographs. I like to read in my journals about things I was doing with my parents and when my son was a little boy. I guess those days were really some of my happiest. My brother and I always went to their house for Sunday dinners. Single or married, I always did. Sometimes with my 1st husband sometimes not. Until my mother got sick.

My brother and I were always close. Then he married his first wife and the mother of his two children. She got him into horses and then slowly over the years, he evolved to an obsession with cowboy life. Now that I think about it, that is almost the same thing that has happened with my son.........except his obsession is with ghosts and spirits. I never thought about that before till I was just writing this.

Well going to continue on with my work in my apartment today of organizing photos and a pile of papers. I have made so much progress lately. I want to keep going.
 
Well, it looks like I am going to be going to my brother's show on Saturday. He asked if I was coming and I could not say no. Sonny said he can park his car closer to the wild west show tents so I can be in the car with the air conditioning running if I get hot. I posted on Sonny's fb page as well as mine to tell more people about the show. Sonny has a large friend list there that are all from the surrounding area so maybe we can get more people to this 200 years celebration for the town (Harpursville, NY) too.

Rabbit did get scared when he heard the fireworks going off the other night. But not frightened where he had to hide. He kept looking at me and I kept talking to him to reassure him. I turned the television up louder and had the air conditioner on too, to muffle the noise. His ears were up on alert the whole time. They did not have them as long as usual and I was glad about that. We survived.
 
Yesterday, Sonny finally had his toenails removed! What a bloody mess that turned out be! He sent me a picture of it and yuck is all I can say about it.I will take much better care of mine from now on. No pain meds though! They used numbing spray and then gave him a shot but once it wore off he was in horrible pain. I am waiting to hear how he made it through the night.

His primary doctor sent him to a geriatric doctor for some reason. I think because he kept calling them with every thing that was hurting him or that he needed them to look at. I think this time it had to do with his hearing. But anyway he had that appointment yesterday and they told him he had to bring a family member with him. So he did not know what was in store for him. Nothing after all. Just another doctor to be able to charge medicare I guess.

The doctor said there was nothing wrong with him. Not sure what a geriatric doctor does but Sonny is very active for a man with his health problems. Just the day before yesterday he was rebuilding a go-kart motor.
 
Well, if the weather cooperates, tomorrow I will venture out to see my brother's wild west show. As it gets closer, I am not excited about it. No one, but Sonny, knows that. Hot weather, lots of people and loud blackpowder guns and a cannon do not excite me one bit. I have one brother and I have not seen him much in these last few years. It is the least I can do for him because he is proud of doing this and I know none of his kids will be there. He only sees one and he actually is his stepson, but they are close. So I will be there.

Due to the weather our ramp has still not been worked on. I think they should do it in the fall. Of course, NY normally has a lot of rain so hard to say exactly when it is dry here. July is always about thunderstorms. I remember in the fall, about November I think, would be rainy and windy. It would ruin the look of fall, knocking all the leaves off the trees not letting the leaves fall slowly on their own.

When I had my garden though, I loved the rain. Especially if it rained all day for several days. Then when the sun emerged.........everything would be SO green! My plants would drink it up and then the sun would lift their heads up and they would blossom like there was no tomorrow! I miss my garden, and the process of harvesting and canning my crops. If I could have stayed at my house without my husband, I still could not have done that. If I had my own money, I would have bought a small house here with a yard so I could have a garden but that was not to be. I had to work with what I had......which was basically nothing. Just my rabbit and me.

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katlupe said:
Well, if the weather cooperates, tomorrow I will venture out to see my brother's wild west show. As it gets closer, I am not excited about it. No one, but Sonny, knows that. Hot weather, lots of people and loud blackpowder guns and a cannon do not excite me one bit. I have one brother and I have not seen him much in these last few years. It is the least I can do for him because he is proud of doing this and I know none of his kids will be there. He only sees one and he actually is his stepson, but they are close. So I will be there.

Due to the weather our ramp has still not been worked on. I think they should do it in the fall. Of course, NY normally has a lot of rain so hard to say exactly when it is dry here. July is always about thunderstorms. I remember in the fall, about November I think, would be rainy and windy. It would ruin the look of fall, knocking all the leaves off the trees not letting the leaves fall slowly on their own.

When I had my garden though, I loved the rain. Especially if it rained all day for several days. Then when the sun emerged.........everything would be SO green! My plants would drink it up and then the sun would lift their heads up and they would blossom like there was no tomorrow! I miss my garden, and the process of harvesting and canning my crops. If I could have stayed at my house without my husband, I still could not have done that. If I had my own money, I would have bought a small house here with a yard so I could have a garden but that was not to be. I had to work with what I had......which was basically nothing. Just my rabbit and me.

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Well, that would be my dream as well, a small house, just me and a dog, and a garden. I love reading your posts, it’s one of the things that keeps me going. I am not enjoying my life right now, but I glad to see that you are enjoying yours. Means there is hope for me. 😍
 
Aneeda72 said:
Well, that would be my dream as well, a small house, just me and a dog, and a garden. I love reading your posts, it’s one of the things that keeps me going. I am not enjoying my life right now, but I glad to see that you are enjoying yours. Means there is hope for me. 😍
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Thank you Aneeda! My hope since the day I moved out, was that I could help other women in my situation see that their lives could be better. I had so many of my friends on fb contact me about how they were in miserable marriages but could not leave. I gave many hope but not sure they followed through.
 

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