Reflections of My Life

I remember my mother saying to me that she could not believe her mother had been dead 20 years. She died 2 years later. I understand what she meant and how she felt. On the 22nd my mother has been dead for 21 years. Sometimes I can't believe it. She lived to be 78 and her mother, my grandmother lived to be 79. Not sure if I will take after them or my father who lived to be 93. I doubt I will live that long. But I am not going to dwell on it. What happens happens.

Today I did laundry and house cleaning. Lots of cleaning! I worked on the bookcases that are right next to me, rather behind me, when I am on the computer. They had gotten cluttered. Now they look much better, though the top of cedar chest is cluttered now...lol. I stuck everything there on the windowsill till I can work on them tomorrow. I want to go to sleep early so I can get a head start on it all tomorrow.
 

Sun is shining! That means I will probably drive Jazzy to the Grand Union. I enjoy that ride, even if it is cold. Just as long as the sidewalks are dry I am happy.

Yesterday I brought my "LegExerciser" back up from my storage locker. I have it positioned under my table (computer is on a table not a desk) so while I am on the computer I can use it. I will pick up the wires when I am not using it to keep Rabbit safe (though he does not have any interest in wires or plastic).

legexerciser.JPG

It is not an aerobic exerciser but passive. It helps people with Lymphedema. Though you still need to actually walk for normal exercise. I do a lot of ankle and toe pumps and foot circles too when I am sitting in the recliner. I figure everything counts. Motion. Getting up out of your chair about 30 times in a row helps a lot and is recommended by the therapist.........but getting up out of a chair is hard for me due to my knees. 30 times??? That is not happening!

I will continue working on cleaning this place out, but first on my list after the store is to vacuum. So another fun day at "kat's Studio" I suppose.
 
You are so right about staying in motion, Kat. I stretch, move, bend, etc. on purpose for hours each day. I'm extremely flexible which is why it's so hard for me to grasp why walking has become such a chore. I do it anyway.

And, I walk backwards down my own hallway. It is safe, I've only been doing it a short while, but there is definite improvement in knees and hamstrings, which have gotten quite stiff.
 

Pepper said:
You are so right about staying in motion, Kat. I stretch, move, bend, etc. on purpose for hours each day. I'm extremely flexible which is why it's so hard for me to grasp why walking has become such a chore. I do it anyway.

And, I walk backwards down my own hallway. It is safe, I've only been doing it a short while, but there is definite improvement in knees and hamstrings, which have gotten quite stiff.
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Yes, walking backwards is helpful! You know Brad & Bob, the physical therapists have a video about it. Bob and his wife were doing it. I can walk backwards better than forward.
 
December is going to be a "No Spend" month for me. I decided to do it because it is a month that is easy to spend with all the sales and how it is overly advertised. I am writing out my December budget sheet today to get a better idea of what I need. I don't do much of anything for Christmas anymore so it is easier for me. I will only buy what I have in budget. Like I need to order paper towels and toilet paper so I put it in my budget.

It is also a "Super Low-Carb" month for me. I usually eat 20 grams of total carbs or less each day. In December I am going to do 10 grams instead. I follow a keto channel called "Low Carb Revelation" and she is doing this as a challenge along with her husband. Her husband was in a very bad motorcycle accident and before they can operate on his leg, his wounds had to heal. His doctor told him to increase his protein........especially meat. As everyone must know, meat heals and specifically beef. He is doing super good and his doctor said to keep doing what he is doing.

His wife though.........she has lost inches and looks great. Keto had already improved all her health conditions and this is improving on it even more. Eating more meat and less vegetables is easy on my budget too. So both the no spend and less carbs kind of work together. I am determined to improve my ability to walk better than I do right now. Maybe I will never be able to walk without a walker but I can still improve. Always room for improvement.
 
One of my gifts was the eye mask for dark circles under the eyes. This is my second day of using it. It is kind of difficult getting the mask in place under the eye. I am not sure I am using it on the right side since I cannot read the teeny tiny directions. Have it in place right now. Did my dry brushing and applied magnesium oil to my legs, feet, shoulders, arms and hands (places that hurt). Now waiting for 20 minutes to take a shower. The routine like this is a pain but I have noticed my feet, especially around my ankles are not swollen anywhere like they used to be.

One thing my son does that really annoys me is that he comes here any old time. So if I am in the middle of my routine I have to quickly get clothes on and answer the intercom. If he at least came around a certain time every day, that would be ideal for me. But no. Even if I tell him to do that he will say he didn't know what time it was. Or remember what time to come here. If I am in the shower he will of course go back home if I do not answer the intercom. Maybe I should do that even if I am not in the shower........but I can't......I'm a mom.
 
katlupe said:
One of my gifts was the eye mask for dark circles under the eyes. This is my second day of using it. It is kind of difficult getting the mask in place under the eye. I am not sure I am using it on the right side since I cannot read the teeny tiny directions. Have it in place right now. Did my dry brushing and applied magnesium oil to my legs, feet, shoulders, arms and hands (places that hurt). Now waiting for 20 minutes to take a shower. The routine like this is a pain but I have noticed my feet, especially around my ankles are not swollen anywhere like they used to be.

One thing my son does that really annoys me is that he comes here any old time. So if I am in the middle of my routine I have to quickly get clothes on and answer the intercom. If he at least came around a certain time every day, that would be ideal for me. But no. Even if I tell him to do that he will say he didn't know what time it was. Or remember what time to come here. If I am in the shower he will of course go back home if I do not answer the intercom. Maybe I should do that even if I am not in the shower........but I can't......I'm a mom.
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Kat, can you take a picture of the teeny tiny print, then enlarge it so you can see it?
 
Since a new company owns my building now and a new management company is managing it rumors are crazy here. I have learned to not pay attention to those until I have to. There is a new manager working in the office and I have not met her as of yet. I have seen her from a distance. I am not one to run to the manager to tattle, complain or whine about something or someone. I have better things to do and more important things to worry about.

I actually love just being home and doing whatever I want to do. I spent my whole life taking care of others now it is time to take care of me. That is why I can afford the time for a long routine for taking care of my Lymphedema and trying to improve my walking. My son is the only thing I actually worry about..............oh yeah, Rabbit too.

I have been watching studio apartment decor videos and I realize my apartment is unique. It is a studio but has a big bathroom because it is designed for wheelchairs. The kitchen is the same. In fact, I have had smaller kitchens than this in houses. I can hold onto the counter from one side to the other. Yet it has lots of cupboard space. I still want to replace my bed with a single/twin size bed but an adjustable one. I cannot lay flat on a bed or anything else for that matter.

I am working on making it as simple, uncluttered and easy to clean as possible. So today I will get downstairs to the storage locker this morning. I didn't get there yesterday. Today for sure!
 
Well, I am not a lover of bears. One murdered my cat and I will never forgive the species for that. But my friend from FL, who I went to school with from about 6th grade to 9th (my family moved) is my friend on fakebook. She has her late husband's hunting cameras in various spots on her land and every day she puts up the videos on her timeline. About a month ago, this one deer started limping and got very thin. He was still coming to her feeding trays and he did look like he was improving. Haven't seen him in more than a week now.

A week ago, she noticed in her yard that it looked like someone was dragging something in her yard (FL sand, you know). Then watching the videos she discovered the baby bear had hurt his foot and was dragging it. So sad! He looked like he was in pain. I found the FL wildlife number for her as they have a dept that cares for injured wildlife. She will call if she sees him come back again. His mother is there every night and she has a sore or something on her side.
 
I was not online much today because I was working on both computers and putting photos on the USB drive. Funny how that type of work tires me out. I guess it is the eyes and brain working together! :) Then I did some cleaning. Cleaned my garbage can, kitchen sink (good deep cleaning) and vacuumed. Then I cleaned my bunnyboy's cage. Of course, he wanted to come in when I hadn't put the hay in yet. I made him wait. But as soon as I was finished, there he was in the cage and is still there I think.

After I finished all that I sat in the recliner with my feet up and did my December budget sheet. I can't wait till tomorrow because I will be paying off one more credit card. I swear I never thought I'd see the light at the end of the tunnel (and I wouldn't have if I hadn't moved from my house and marriage in 2018).

Now I am ready to make a burger bowl for supper. They are fast food for me. Hardly takes any time to cook them.
 
Today is my errand day with Sonny. He has to come in the afternoon if it is on a Tuesday or Friday because those are the days his aide comes to clean his house. So I am making my breakfast earlier than usual. I do not want to be tempted while I am out. We will not be going to Walmart to do my grocery shopping today. I think we will do that on Monday instead. Probably just a quick trip out today.

My neighbors (on my floor) are going to be decorating the hall today. I am not going to be helping. It is a hard job for me and both of my shoulders hurt. We have two new couples (on each side of me) who are younger so I think they might be helping the lady who usually does it. The other two halls are already decorated so maybe some of the people from those floors might be here helping if they feel like it.

We have one lady moving out today. She has not been happy here. I find when people are never satisfied they are never happy. No place is ever going to be perfect. Especially when you are living in a building with other people. All it does is to bring negativity to the whole building. Apartment buildings are a business and they are run as such. So we may not understand decisions made by management but there is usually a reason. When you have new people moving in with enthusiasm about a new place, the negative tenants who hate it ruin it for them.
 
Somehow I have to learn about my computer's operating system. Ubuntu. Jammy Jellyfish. All of a sudden I am getting a message that the file system disk is low. I don't even know what a file system is. I use a computer all the time and have since about 1993 or so. But most of that time I was with my husband and he could fix anything. Now I am on my own. I was quite proud when two years ago I bought this new one and was able to install Ubuntu in it and remove Windows completely.

I am so tempted to call my husband and ask him to come fix it for me. Sonny is the problem. He is very jealous where my husband is concerned. Now I am googling it and reading everything I can about this. It shows up a lot on Ubuntu's site but these programmers do not explain things so a regular person can understand it. So this is what I am working on. My worry is that I pay all my and my son's bill online. Everything I do is online. These operating systems are so difficult to live with.

If you don't hear from me.........probably a computer problem.
 
Every morning I start my day with reading scriptures. The book I use is written for seniors with short essays scattered through out. This morning the essay was about it being never too late even if you are old. I don't tend to think of myself as old unless I am down about something. It said that even if you have messed up it is never too late to make a new start. I think that is right. Because if you don't then your life may become pointless and hopeless. I always feel like if I keep God in my life and my heart I have hope.

When things are bad for me, I think of my niece Amy who became parallelized in 2015 in a car accident. Before that her life was a fairy tale. She really did have it all and is the mother of six children. At the time her youngest was still an infant. I am sure she had her moments but she never showed them outside her home. Of course, I see people bearing great burdens that I have never known myself. I am but one person, so all I can do is to pray for everyone and hope for the best.

I had been a little down because I have seen my relationship with Sonny change. It was so romantic for the first two or three years. Now it is just comfortable. I think it is due to his health issues and my wanting to be careful of catching anything from public places (like doctor offices or hospital waiting rooms any place sick people go).

So I read that small essay a few times yesterday and again this morning. It has given me the enthusiasm to keep writing my blog. I have more to say so I cannot give up on it. I was about to just take it down. Now I am working on it again and will see what I can do with it. When I look for information that would apply to me......a single woman in her seventies, I don't find much. Not as it applies to me. Yet I am sure there are other women in the same boat I am in. So I will press on.......
 
Well, my son is mad at me. Since I am his benefit payee representative, he has to come to me for his money. I pay his bills and he does not have many....rent, electric & internet/telephone. I also buy his tobacco at a smoke shop 2 bags for the month. His check is a good amount because it comes from his father's SS benefit. It is never enough. He gets food stamps and goes through them pretty fast. Then he comes here and I started giving him $20. cash for the day. Sonny and I used to shop for food for him but he goes through that fast too. Now I can't always get to the store. So this works.

The problem is he always wants to buy something......expensive! I just bought him boots and because he wears a large size they are more expensive and hard to find. He can't buy a whole bunch of things and get the $20 a day for food he wants. I try to explain he has to choose between them.

I found if let him buy something and the cash is not available I end up giving him my food. It is not that I am selfish but I live on about $400. less than he does and I am budgeted right to the dollar for food. I can't eat the food from a food pantry due to how unhealthy it is..........high carbs and low fat. But I find it hard not to share my food with him. I usually take that amount of money back from his next check but it does not help me during the month I gave it to him.

He has really gone down from what he used to understand to way below that now. It is sad for me but I can't help but to come across as the mean mother. He thinks if I was not here he could spend what he wants. He will never be in control of his own money. I see this with some of the people who live here. They have a social worker from social services who oversees their money. They are always complaining about the worker not giving them their money. I know they don't understand their money either.

Oh well, I will just keep what I am doing. My son knows in the long run I take care of him as long as I am able.
 
MarciKS said:
is he able to get food from the food pantry? i would suggest that to him. maybe offer to help him budget?
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His disability is such that he is not able to budget. I have to do his budget for him but he cannot follow it on his own. He cannot do money at all. That is why he has to have a payee. He does get food from the food pantry when I do not have any more money for him. I just need to keep doing what I am doing and someday when I am gone, he will have a social worker giving him his money for the week. That is the way it is.
 
katlupe said:
His disability is such that he is not able to budget. I have to do his budget for him but he cannot follow it on his own. He cannot do money at all. That is why he has to have a payee. He does get food from the food pantry when I do not have any more money for him. I just need to keep doing what I am doing and someday when I am gone, he will have a social worker giving him his money for the week. That is the way it is.
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it must be a real worry for you, when you think that you may die leaving him alone ... one day
 
Yesterday, I went grocery shopping at Walmart. I bought a lot of groceries because I was almost out of things. Mainly meat and dairy and a few cans of tomato products and mushrooms. So today I will be vacuum packing the meat for the freezer. I can't start that until I hear my neighbors coming out of their apartments. My vacuum packer is pretty loud.

The guy that lived downstairs that was bringing his friends in to stay with him was evicted yesterday. I did not think the eviction process worked that quickly. He was told yesterday morning that he had to be out by three in the afternoon. I suppose he was. When I came back from the grocery store the U-Haul was in front of the stairs at the entrance.

This morning I see snow on top of the cars in the parking lot but nothing on the blacktop. Glad I got my groceries yesterday.
 
katlupe said:
His disability is such that he is not able to budget. I have to do his budget for him but he cannot follow it on his own. He cannot do money at all. That is why he has to have a payee. He does get food from the food pantry when I do not have any more money for him. I just need to keep doing what I am doing and someday when I am gone, he will have a social worker giving him his money for the week. That is the way it is.
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My closest friend shares this with you. Her son is schizophrenic and drug addicted. Hugs for you both.
 
I thought I was tired out from shopping yesterday..........that was nothing! Today I started the day by opening the boxes that came from Amazon yesterday and putting my supplies away. I was planning on vacuum packing the meat that I bought yesterday but instead my cousin called and her and her husband were on their way to pick up the cedar chest. I also gave her my old Cuisinart ice cream maker (which is not old at all only used about 4 times), the thermos cooker and a pole lamp.

I love the way it looks without the cedar chest along the wall. I put the high back chair in that spot but not where it blocks the heater. I do not want the heater blocked at all because I want the floor to be warmer for my little bunnyboy. It also opens up the view of the curio cabinet which before you could not see at all. It has a blue light in it and I have it on right now and it looks pretty. I put a board on the vanity stool and now it is a stand with the lamp on it. Looks much nicer in that corner now.
 
Too soon, it'll be 2 years that I've lost my husband.

I still have a million unanswered questions.

However, the wisdom sets in when you hear one piece of secrets, which puts so much in perspective.

Any disabilities, mental health or any other life's problems happen, if you've knowledge of it, it makes a huge difference.

Nevertheless, when it's unbeknownst to you, it ends up eating at you for far too long... Then, out of the blue, what you'd seen with your children, reflected down on what had gone on before with your life's partner...

I'd never heard of Autism until our children were diagnosed with various levels of this mental illness. I wondered where it came from...

As I'd been rejected from birth for having been an unwanted second daughter and not the longed for son. Anything that goes wrong in life, you therefore blame yourself for it.

I had this flash of life in public... In private, I was just a tick on their to-do list. Autistic people concentrate on the next thing to accomplish. Once done and dusted, they pursue their interests once more.

It's hard to explain and even more so to come to terms with it, as I've not found the ones to answer to my questions...

Jealousy was hampering (from others) and the judging before knowing why I did what I did during our decades... I know now, a wee bit, as that 5 seconds revelation put perspectives on what I'd gone through.

I loved till the end, I never stopped but it created isolation and now it's a recovery process that, once more, is isolating as not many would be available to discuss this with me. At least with one crisis centre which was available for just one week, it helped a bit but the healing road ahead is long.

Go ahead, judge if you want to, I'll still act weird as I haven't got to the bottom of the barrel. Pandora's box is opened but the hope at the bottom hasn't been reached yet...😢😢😢

I'm just hoping it'll help someone else out there to see the signs and know that as bad as it seems, once you know the cause, the effects aren't as bad as you first believed...

Thanks for reading, very much appreciated.
 

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