Relationship Advice

palides2021 said:
Reading your story gave me red alerts. I wouldn't trust someone who enabled another woman to continue her drug usage. Why doesn't he push her to get treatment instead? That means there's a hidden past, and you are not privy to it. Maybe she's getting it for him? Maybe, maybe, maybe....would constantly be interfering with your happiness.

You will always wonder where you fit into his life. Are you just there to take care of him??? What about you? Where is your future with him? Since you've only been seeing him the past 8 months, then you really need to have a conversation with him ASAP. And if he skirts the issue or doesn't give you satisfactory answers, consider slowing down on your interactions with him. These are my thoughts. Good luck!
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Yes, what she ^ said.
 

Pearlsandthings said:
Im 64 and my significant is 70. We have known each other for 30 years but just recently (8 months) have been talking visiting. No sex since he has serious heart/health issues. There is a woman from his drug using days that he still likes to support financially, pay to fix her car, buy her drugs, just give money to.

This month its safe to say he has given her family $1000. He has known her for probably 20 years. He has supported her whenever she calls for money, without question. He quit using 5 years ago but she still uses and looks like a meth user. They have no relationship yet she still comes to him for money at least once a week.

He seems to want a serious relationship with me yet when we talk, he has no plans to cut her out of our lives as we go forward. At this time, he wants me to be his lady and caregiver because he was recently told he needs a heart transplant.

I had planned to be his 24/7 caregiver because I thought we were exclusive but he plans to support this old love, "he says" until he moves in with me after his heart transplant. I just returned home after a 4 day visit (we havent seen each other since October) and I took him a nice gift and home cooked foods but he had not even taken the time to have a nice Christmas gift for me.

However, the old girlfriend called 30 minutes after I was supposed to leave, and she was crying, needing money and help with her truck. He told her he had a friend with him but he wouldnt call me "girlfriend" as he does to other people. Our discussions about this seem to go nowhere.

I have committed to being there as his transplant caregiver but my trust in him has been damaged and Im hurt by his emotional and financial obligation to a woman he knows is just using him yet he wants me to care for him.

I need advice how to say I cant commit to you any longer during this crucial time in his life. I dont feel safe in this relationship anymore. Advice please
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Don't stress too much on saying you cannot commit, the reason you can't and shouldn't is obvious to both of you. He's her sucker, please don't be his. Life is too short for this nonsense, do what is best for yourself in your golden years. Time to care for and love yourself, he's already made his selfish choices. Good luck and welcome.
 
Pearlsandthings said:
I have committed to being there as his transplant caregiver but my trust in him has been damaged and Im hurt by his emotional and financial obligation to a woman he knows is just using him yet he wants me to care for him.

I need advice how to say I cant commit to you any longer during this crucial time in his life. I dont feel safe in this relationship anymore. Advice please
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Okay, I see that you know your relationship is pretty much over. This may not be the popular opinion here, but I'd (maybe this makes me a jerk... doesn't really matter to me) break that commitment to be his nurse after transplant unless he starts giving ME that same $1k/month he's giving the old girlfriend. Seriously.... you're only 64 and this dude sounds like pretty much of a user. Maybe there's a relationship out there that would make you happy like this one obviously isn't doing, yes?
 

JaniceM said:
In other cases, a person knows an answer but simply wants/needs back-up from other people.
I've come here (to forum) numerous times myself for that reason- like 'what do you guys think about this?'
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Well said, forums like this are excellent for feedback and respectful opinions from other seniors. I wish the OP the best, right now she's in a bad place.
 
1955 said:
Meth user are a special class of drug abusers. It’s almost impossible for them to quit successfully.
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You are correct.This is why I am so happy for and proud of my son.He had a meth addiction for 7-8 years-late teens until age 27.I am talking a very heavy meth addiction.He last used on April 5,2007 and has never relapsed. Met his wife at an NA meeting a month or so later (she had been clean for 2 years at that point)and they have been married for 10 years.They have two little girls and are the best parents ever.

I can honestly say that I never thought that this would happen.
 

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Mrs. Robinson said:
You are correct.This is why I am so happy for and proud of my son.He had a meth addiction for 7-8 years-late teens until age 27.I am talking a very heavy meth addiction.He last used on April 5,2007 and has never relapsed. Met his wife at an NA meeting a month or so later (she had been clean for 2 years at that point)and they have been married for 10 years.They have two little girls and are the best parents ever.

I can honestly say that I never thought that this would happen.
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I'm sure your support & love contributed to his success. Great picture too.
 
hollydolly said:
Well I'm no Agony aunt I'm afraid, there are dozens wiser than me here who will no doubt help you more than I can.. but tbh with you to me it sounds like he's looking for a Nurse.. his heart seems to lie with his old girlfriend, but he realises he can't be with her now he's off drugs and poorly, and she's not capable of looking after him.. so he's keeping her sweet.. for whatever reason . I;m sure it was all commendable when they broke up 5 years ago when he became clean, for him to try and help her out.. but 5 years ??? .. in the meantime he's having you dance attendance on him.. and do everything he knows he can't get her to do.. ..

Sorry, if it was me I'd be walking away from this very fast..
caroln said:
He was recently told he needs a heart transplant and suddenly he wants a relationship with you? Wake up! He wants a free live in nurse and housekeeper. Run!
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He is abusing you and the privilege of knowing you.
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Mrs. Robinson said:
You are correct.This is why I am so happy for and proud of my son.He had a meth addiction for 7-8 years-late teens until age 27.I am talking a very heavy meth addiction.He last used on April 5,2007 and has never relapsed. Met his wife at an NA meeting a month or so later (she had been clean for 2 years at that point)and they have been married for 10 years.They have two little girls and are the best parents ever.

I can honestly say that I never thought that this would happen.
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Wonderful success story, thanks for sharing. You're a good Mom, and I wish your son and his lovely family a bright and happy future. (y)
 
Pearlsandthings said:
I have committed to being there as his transplant caregiver but my trust in him has been damaged and Im hurt by his emotional and financial obligation to a woman he knows is just using him yet he wants me to care for him.

I need advice how to say I cant commit to you any longer during this crucial time in his life. I dont feel safe in this relationship anymore. Advice please
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This is the primary dilemma that must be dealt with at the moment. There are other surgeries that require the patient to have a post-op care plan as well. I don't have an easy answer for you if you want out of this post-op care arrangement. Hopefully others will. I agree it's not a good relationship to invest in and you need to get out. Maybe exploring other options for post-op care for him including nursing from Medicare or community organizations for seniors would help you exit with peace.
 
Murrmurr said:
Don't mean to be a turd here, but the OP is asking "what should I say"..."how should I put it?"

She knows the relationship is pretty dead. How should she finish it off?
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Thanks for bringing the thread back on topic. The primary question is how to deal with the termination of the relationship in view of the post-op care agreement. We all agree the relationship is no good. Maybe getting busy finding community based nursing suggestions to him would help exit care giving with peace.
 
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