Resentful sister ruining inheritance for other siblings

R

RandomName

Member
Not looking for help, just want to vent. (But advice also would be nice).

I and my two sisters are the 'named beneficiaries' of a brokerage account from mom's estate. We are all retired. There's a good sister and a bad sister in the drama. Please don't slam me for using the word 'bad'. Yes, I love both my sisters, but one is acting poorly now. I and the good sister have completed our forms, and now the bad sister is doing nothing. Latest contact from the bad sister was 'stop harassing me'.

We started back in June of 2024 to figure out what to put on the forms the brokerage gave us. The sister was hemming and hawing, but finally filled something out, and we all got an RMD distribution in 2024. Good, but the rest of the account still has to be distributed. Each beneficiary will get approx $70,000.

The brokerage had to 'repaper' (mail out new forms for us to sign) everything since the the bad sister dragged it out so long. She says she can't understand what the forms mean, and can't understand it even when the brokerage people try to explain it. I and the good sister have patiently tried to help her understand. I even located government agencies she could call for free help. All ignored, I assume.

Complicated by fact she is taking care of a disabled grandkid, and has state assistance from Louisiana. She has a caseworker she can talk to about the inheritance. She says the inheritance will not affect her financial assistance, but she will have to keep records of whatever money she takes out.

So what's the problem, we wonder. She now does not return calls or emails, except to say 'stop harassing me'. She has a son and a daughter in law living nearby. The good sister contacted the daughter in law about the bad sister, just asking if she were OK, since she was not responding to us. No mention of inheritance. Yes, bad sister was OK.

Could go on and on with the drama, but will synopsize it here. Bad sister is just sitting there, doing nothing, holding everything up. We don't know if her family members even *know* about the inheritance. We were hoping a family member could talk some sense into her.

Good sister wants next step to be to tell her that we will be forced to take legal action since we have no alternative. Maybe that will scare her into action. I still am hoping some family member living near her could help her out, before we are forced to get a lawyer involved. But apparently it is 'inappropriate' to contact her family members. Ugh. So frustrating.

Seems to me she is resentful that she has to even be involved in the inheritance and make decisions, and now keep records. I think she just wants to close here eyes and hope it all goes away. The brokerage told her she could renounce the inheritance and not have to deal with it, but she refused that option.

Ugh. Rant over. Frustrated. Comments welcome, but please don't bust for calling her bad. I know she's not bad or evil, but she is acting poorly, imo. Thanks for listening.
 

We're not going to bust you for calliing your sister names.. you know her we don't..and this isn't facebook.....


Unfortunately I can't give you any advice, seems very strange if the money won't affect her finances why she's holding out.....probably the best thing would be to tell her you have no option but to take legal action, and hopefully that will spur her into filling out the form
 

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I'd try one last time to gently appeal to her human nature, and ask her to cooperate for everyone involved. Offer to help her with anything she doesn't understand. If that failed, I wouldn't argue or mention legal action, I'd just get the attorney to send a letter advising her this matter will be taken to court for resolution if she does not sign the form(s) within a certain time period. I would also ask the attorney if there is any way the court can enforce her portion to be relinquished and distributed to the others, since she refuses to acknowledge the terms of the distribution. If so, that may more than offset the losses you may have in legal fees.

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Muskrat said:
Talk to the brokerage account holder. Knew a very similar situation…brokerage made the distributions to all beneficiaries except the one who would not fill out the paperwork. The resisting party eventually got their act together and received their funds.
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Interesting. The brokerage house says they have to have all the signatures. But maybe they can do an 'end-around' somehow, and still have it be legal.
 
Most likely you three or 2 need to agree on an Attorney and get this stuff settled at the county courthouse if you live in most States.
There are Attorneys that only do Family Service / Trusts / that sort of stuff. Living wills / Trusts can seem unfair? $2-$3 thousand to a family
attorney seems cheap with what's flipping around out there.
 
This could get messier.

If you miss the RMD on an inherited IRA in 2025 you could be assessed a 25% penalty under certain circumstances, depending on when the account was inherited.

I would document everything to show where/why the delay occurred and try to make sure that any penalties are taken from ‘bad sisters’ share.

Good luck to all three of you!
 
Good luck. I had to go through this with my own siblings. My sister was rock solid and literally made sure every single penny was accounted for. My brother was the complete opposite.

All his adult life he sponged money from our parents -- and even after their deaths still tried to take more money.

I have heard some really terrible stories from other people I know that also had to go through similar things. It's extremely disheartening and stressful.
 
I may be wrong, I often am but, reading your post about your sister, I get the feeling that she is overwhelmed. That she has indicated that she feels harassed, that you think she just wants to close her eyes and hope it all goes away, seems like someone who is struggling with life rather than someone who is being deliberately awkward or resentful. Looking after a disabled grandchild is a big commitment and it would be understandable if she feels unable to deal with other things in life too.

Of course, it is frustrating, especially as it sounds like a simple thing and she could get help with completing the form but, sometimes, even the simple things in life can seem too much.

Is there any way you could have a general chat with her, ask how she is and whether she needs any help? It may be that she feels that her two sisters are harassing her and she just cannot deal with it.

I guess, if all else has failed and there are no more options left to you, you may have to take legal steps but, hopefully, you can find a way to avoid falling out over it.

Good luck!
 
Twostep said:
Son and DIL do not know about the inheritance. If they are supposed to assist they will know. Why do you not take a road trip to visit your sister?
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This is very frustrating also. My sister has a son and a daughter in law a few miles away who could help her. But some people I ask think involving them is a 'breach of privacy' or 'meddling' somehow, a big 'faux pax'. And I suppose it is. She also has another son and a daughter that live in other states. Surely one of them can be of assistance, if only they knew ! Her husband is dead.

We're not traveling out to see her since she is far away, in Louisiana, and keeping in touch with Christmas cards and the occasional email is enough for me.

We had been thinking about visiting her for years, but never actually went to see her, not sure why, just various reasons. I did drive out decades ago to visit her, but not since then.
 
RandomName said:
This is very frustrating also. My sister has a son and a daughter in law a few miles away who could help her. But some people I ask think involving them is a 'breach of privacy' or 'meddling' somehow, a big 'faux pax'. And I suppose it is. She also has another son and a daughter that live in other states. Surely one of them can be of assistance, if only they knew ! Her husband is dead.

We're not traveling out to see her since she is far away, in Louisiana, and keeping in touch with Christmas cards and the occasional email is enough for me.

We had been thinking about visiting her for years, but never actually went to see her, not sure why, just various reasons. I did drive out decades ago to visit her, but not since then.
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It depends on how her relationship with her kids and their partners is and how yours is with them. Honestly, nothing is far away in the US. Get on a plane and rent a car or make it a road trip.
 
You haven't been on this forum long enough to read me talking sh** about my family. No judgement here.

Well if she doesn't want the damn money can it be divided between you and good sister? Perhaps ask her. Cognitive problems, perhaps. Trying to control the situation, another possibility.

May need an attorney. Could cost you and the other sister some money. But at this time, it's where you may need to go. This can't go on forever.
 
Remy said:
You haven't been on this forum long enough to read me talking sh** about my family. No judgement here.

Well if she doesn't want the damn money can it be divided between you and good sister? Perhaps ask her. Cognitive problems, perhaps. Trying to control the situation, another possibility.

May need an attorney. Could cost you and the other sister some money. But at this time, it's where you may need to go. This can't go on forever.
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Remy, yes, the brokerage told her should could renounce her share and let the other beneficiaries have it, but she declined that offer.
 
My brother got my mom's house after she passed. He took care of her while I was in another state, so I have no problem with that. But the house remained empty for years, he was paying the taxes, etc. A buyer wanted the place and pretty much dragged my brother into selling the place. If that guy didn't initiate the sale, my brother would still own a neglected house and paying taxes on it. What can I say, that's my brother.
 
RandomName said:
Complicated by fact she is taking care of a disabled grandkid, and has state assistance from Louisiana. She has a caseworker she can talk to about the inheritance. She says the inheritance will not affect her financial assistance, but she will have to keep records of whatever money she takes out.
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Could this be the root of the problem? I've dealt with SSDI and it's a bear. During the few years my son was on it he was not allowed to have more than a thousand or so in the bank, his health insurance was dependent on him remaining on it and his medication was over a thousand a month so that part was vital. In short, it was a worry.

Evidently they've told her the inheritance won't affect it but she has to keep records -- directly contradicting themselves.

I agree with Trish that she's probably overwhelmed. Maybe call and ask if she'd like a visit? Fly south for a few days and find out? Once you see what her days are like with the disabled grandchild she might turn into the good sister.
 
Della said:
Could this be the root of the problem? I've dealt with SSDI and it's a bear. During the few years my son was on it he was not allowed to have more than a thousand or so in the bank, his health insurance was dependent on him remaining on it and his medication was over a thousand a month so that part was vital. In short, it was a worry.

Evidently they've told her the inheritance won't affect it but she has to keep records -- directly contradicting themselves.

I agree with Trish that she's probably overwhelmed. Maybe call and ask if she'd like a visit? Fly south for a few days and find out? Once you see what her days are like with the disabled grandchild she might turn into the good sister.
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This *could* be the problem, yes. She said the record-keeping would be very complicated. But she hasn't communicated to us whether that is the current problem. And she has a caseworker, so I would *assume* her caseworker could teach her how to do the paperwork. Maybe she can do it, but just doesn't want the added burden of doing it, on top of whatever other chores she has to do for the disabled grandchild. She won't say. Won't return phone calls or emails.

Not sure if I want to offer to visit her in her current state.
 
Muskrat said:
Talk to the brokerage account holder. Knew a very similar situation…brokerage made the distributions to all beneficiaries except the one who would not fill out the paperwork. The resisting party eventually got their act together and received their funds.
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Muskrat, can you tell me the name of the brokerage house that was able to do that?
 
LPL. The account was a trading account with 4 beneficiaries listed per the trust. Each beneficiary had to complete the same paperwork. One could not seem to understand either the legalities or the need. He did finally do the paperwork and received his share…months after the other distributions.
 
Muskrat said:
LPL. The account was a trading account with 4 beneficiaries listed per the trust. Each beneficiary had to complete the same paperwork. One could not seem to understand either the legalities or the need. He did finally do the paperwork and received his share…months after the other distributions.
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Thanks very much. I guess one option for me would be to transfer all the assets from Merrill Lynch to LPL and have them hold back the bad sister's portion of the distribution. Wonder if that's allowed.

The 'bad' sister is finally coming clean, in that she now admits that receiving money from the inheritance would ruin some financial situation she has going on, but she won't say what it is. At least there is a logic to her sandbagging now.
 
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Muskrat said:
It is hard to know what to do without understanding the rules of the trust.
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I don't think there is any trust involved here (unless the brokerage holds the account in some sort of trust for Mom) . Just some named beneficiaries on the brokerage account.

There is another part of Mom's estate that has her will controlling it, but these accounts I am talking about just have the named beneficiaries, so are not controlled by the will.
 

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