Respecting boundaries in interpersonal relationships

[grahamg]

I'm not sure whether folks will agree with me on this one but I think it important to "respect boundaries in interpersonal relationships".

These can be very small things, like not raising subjects you're aware the other person feels uncomfortable talking about, like sport or some other subject you've disagreed about previously. I admit though this category can sometimes include very meaningful issues too, like telling someone you love them, (when someone doesn't want this said to them, trust me this does happen!).

Then there's large issues like politics, or some other national issue, or of course religion, (if that's a particularly sensitive subject in someone's household).

However, other boundaries you might foolishly cross or cross without thinking include speaking to someone who simply needs some space, "a bit of peace and quiet", and if the individual bombarding the other party has made a habit of this, then whoever it is whose boundaries have not been respected may be particularly sensitive about this already.

It is understandable to wish to try to talk to someone who is being a bit quiet or withdrawn, and its very likely you might feel uneasy in their presence if you dont speak, but speaking isn't always the answer. I had a very well meaning aunt, who had been a wonderful first school teacher, and was very good hearted, and she used to repeat and repeat to my mother that she must keep talking, but when it came to one of her own daughters she couldn't stop putting her foot in it or pushing her daughter too hard, and much trouble ensued, (though not all the mothers fault of course).

An ability to communicate is of course crucial in a marriage, and when this breaks down the marriage will probably soon fail if it isn't sorted out, but even here a period of reflection, or a bit of assistance can sometimes make all the difference perhaps.

There we have it, "boundaries", what do you think?

 

[StillLearning]

Boundaries- My first thought is my two children. It's hard being a parent to adult children. Don't give advice unless asked. Let's face it, children know most of the mistakes you've made raising them.

I do try real hard to listen more than talk. Unfortunately sometimes when I'm around my daughter I babble too much about unimportant things and kick myself later about my resolve to listen more. Even at my age I'm still trying to correct behaviors.

 

[grahamg]

Some expert opinion always comes in handy doesn't it, (though a bit boring sometimes!).
Quote:
"It is essential to have personal boundaries in order to have healthy relationships. Personal Boundaries are important because they set the basic guidelines of how you want to be treated."

https://www.drtracyhutchinson.com/what-are-personal-boundaries-and-why-are-they-important/

"Boundaries are basic guidelines that people create to establish how others are able to behave around them. For example, they may involve what behavior is okay and what is not and how to respond if someone passes those limits. Setting boundaries can ensure that relationships can be mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring. However, at some point in your life, I am sure you have felt your boundaries being violated. You may think or feel a person is “strange” because of the way they behave towards you. They may deny that they said or told you something and you question your sanity. It may be a stranger that is standing too close to you or touching you (physical boundary) or asking you very personal questions (emotional). Perhaps you have been a target of emotional abuse or bullying in school or the workplace (psychological). All are examples of boundary violations.

Often, we assume that people will respect our boundaries because we were brought up and taught what is acceptable by our family and/or culture. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Although we can choose who we interact with in our personal life such as choosing close friends, this is not always the case in other environments such as work, family, community, etc. We can feel uncomfortable or even violated if we interact with those who have poor boundaries. In fact, it may be more problematic with people who have mental health issues. Often, we know that our boundaries have been violated by the way we feel. Feelings of confusion, anxiety, or feeling drained around a person can all be signs that our boundaries have been violated narcissists are notorious for violating boundaries and this behavior appears to be increasing in our culture. Therefore, we have to know how to establish healthy emotional, psychological, and physical boundaries in relationships so we can feel respected and safe. How? The first step is knowing your rights for a healthy relationship."

 

[grahamg]

Returning to anecdotal discussion points now, my father used to say about the experience of getting married that it was "like stepping into a boxing ring"!

Now before you get worried he meant in terms of the psychological sparring you are likely to encounter, not right or left hooks or other physical blows, (we'll leave that aspect of " boundaries" we'd all agree with aside therefore).

If however my father was right, and the psychological pressure you're likely to face when you marry someone, then it raises the question how many boundaries are respected by the two people joined in holy matrimony?

In "transactional analysis" terms the most vital human need, (beyond food and water), is "attention", whether it be positive attention, or even negative attention, as anything is preferable to being ignored.

Hence my fathers thinking you are likely to encounter almost everything you're about, or thought and didn't want challenged before you married, may become "fair game" for your partner, should he or she choose to try to rile you!

 

[FastTrax]

The only personal boundaries I ever made clear to women before, in between and after my two marriages was.

1. Don't enter the bathroom if I am performing my ablutions.

2. Never use my toothbrush the next morning. I will not explain that reason to the uninformed but to the informed understands what I mean.

Thanks for reading.

 

[grahamg]

The only personal boundaries I ever made clear to women before, in between and after my two marriages was.

1. Don't enter the bathroom if I am performing my ablutions.

2. Never use my toothbrush the next morning. I will not explain that reason to the uninformed but to the informed understands what I mean.

Thanks for reading.

Sounds very fair and tolerant.

As they say though, "Alls fair in love and war"!!!!!!!!


And then there is this take on things:

 

[grahamg]

 

[grahamg]

Boundaries- My first thought is my two children. It's hard being a parent to adult children. Don't give advice unless asked. Let's face it, children know most of the mistakes you've made raising them.
I do try real hard to listen more than talk. Unfortunately sometimes when I'm around my daughter I babble too much about unimportant things and kick myself later about my resolve to listen more. Even at my age I'm still trying to correct behaviors.

You come across as very caring, (as I'm sure you are!).
Your comment about being reticent as far as doling out advice goes is very well made, and "if only" more people thought that way how much better the world might be, (my world anyway. ).

 

[Ronni]

While I think it’s important to respect another’s boundaries, what’s even MORE important is being fearless in enforcing one’s own.

We can’t rely on anyone else to respect our boundaries just because it’s the right thing, the respectful thing to do. It’s not uncommon to have to enforce one’s boundaries repeatedly in order to teach those around us what’s expected.

Boundary violations occur when we don’t do that. Enforcing ones own
Boundaries can be as simple as saying “I’m not comfortable having this conversation/discussing that with you.” They can also require one to leave a room or a location, or refuse further contact if violations continue to occur.

Many years of personal experience with an abusive husband taught me that enforcement of my own boundaries was the single most important thing I could do to keep me safe and maintain my sanity.

 

[oldman]

There are people that have trouble setting any boundaries, period. For example; anyone who is codependent may find it hard or even impossible to set boundaries because they fear if they would, their friend will not like them or want to be around them anymore. In other words, they have unfounded fears as well.

 

[Ronni]

There are people that have trouble setting any boundaries, period. For example; anyone who is codependent may find it hard or even impossible to set boundaries because they fear if they would, their friend will not like them or want to be around them anymore. In other words, they have unfounded fears as well.

I struggle with codependency issues, so this speaks to me.

Codependency and lack of boundaries go hand-in-hand. It is most often the case that someone with strong boundaries isn’t/doesn’t become, codependent, nor does someone who has never had problems with codependency struggle with boundary setting.

 

[Paco Dennis]

I read a question that got me thinking "Can you tell your best friend the truth?". It seems to me that codependency plays a big role in how truthful we can be with them. I AM beginning to let them know I have limits. Sometimes it startles them, other times they resist hearing me, and other times they listen and understand. I am getting on in years and don't want to get all hung up about appeasing others.

 

[oldman]

I struggle with codependency issues, so this speaks to me.

Codependency and lack of boundaries go hand-in-hand. It is most often the case that someone with strong boundaries isn’t/doesn’t become, codependent, nor does someone who has never had problems with codependency struggle with boundary setting.

When I first entered college, my initial desire was to study Psychology. The first five weeks, we studied Codependency. I thought it was fascinating, but being a Psychologist was no longer my desire. Instead, I opted for engineering.

 

[oldman]

I read a question that got me thinking "Can you tell your best friend the truth?". It seems to me that codependency plays a big role in how truthful we can be with them. I AM beginning to let them know I have limits. Sometimes it startles them, other times they resist hearing me, and other times they listen and understand. I am getting on in years and don't want to get all hung up about appeasing others.

Good question, “Can you tell your best friend the truth?” I remember the professor giving a lecture about sharing personal information or things that we wouldn’t want to get around to others. In order to be able to share information with another person, we have to feel safe and to do that, we need to trust the person that we are sharing our “secrets” with. So, it’s “trust” that’s the key. Do you trust your best friend enough to keep whatever you want to tell him to himself? Well, do you?

 

[grahamg]

Good question, “Can you tell your best friend the truth?” I remember the professor giving a lecture about sharing personal information or things that we wouldn’t want to get around to others. In order to be able to share information with another person, we have to feel safe and to do that, we need to trust the person that we are sharing our “secrets” with. So, it’s “trust” that’s the key. Do you trust your best friend enough to keep whatever you want to tell him to himself? Well, do you?

My answer to your direct question is a frustrating, or equivocal one I'm afraid.
I do trust my good friends, yes, BUT (there's always a but!), I'm not sure whether I totally trust them, nor am I absolutely certain I'd keep their confidences, should they choose to divulge something.
However, in general I do trust folks not to gossip about me, or try to take advantage of whatever it is I've entrusted them with, and maybe I do this to a fault.

 

[grahamg]

While I think it’s important to respect another’s boundaries, what’s even MORE important is being fearless in enforcing one’s own.
We can’t rely on anyone else to respect our boundaries just because it’s the right thing, the respectful thing to do. It’s not uncommon to have to enforce one’s boundaries repeatedly in order to teach those around us what’s expected.
Boundary violations occur when we don’t do that. Enforcing ones own
Boundaries can be as simple as saying “I’m not comfortable having this conversation/discussing that with you.” They can also require one to leave a room or a location, or refuse further contact if violations continue to occur.
Many years of personal experience with an abusive husband taught me that enforcement of my own boundaries was the single most important thing I could do to keep me safe and maintain my sanity.

My mother was told by her parents in advance of her marriage to my father in 1946, "To refuse nothing only blows"!
Her parents warned my father, (their future so in law obviously) that he would have to be very kind to their daughter too.
I can't say they set any boundaries of the kind you describe therefore, or enforced any in the manner you described, but having said that faithfulness to one another was a given, and neither ever strayed.

 

[Pinky]

Having friends divulge the most intimate details of their married lives, as well as that of their friends - I chose not to follow suit. My reasoning being - if they are telling all of their friends secrets, what would stop them from telling mine?

 

[grahamg]

Having friends divulge the most intimate details of their married lives, as well as that of their friends - I chose not to follow suit. My reasoning being - if they are telling all of their friends secrets, what would stop them from telling mine?

I think you are right, you cannot be sure what they might choose to do, even if you know them really well.

I suppose sometimes we do need to "unload" if there is something bothering us about our private lives, and who exactly do you trust(?).

When my marriage started to seriously break down, (my then wife already seeing someone behind my back), I chose to contact a brother in law, and I told him in a distraught fashion "that his sister and I could not seem to see eye to eye anymore", (the choice I felt I had was being telling him and telling the local priest or vicar).

I haven't regretted that indiscretion and the same now former brother in law remains in regular contact with me, whether he told others we were experiencing difficulties or not. I imagine he told his mother, but if he did this was okay because she too tried to support the marriage as best she could when the trouble we were having was explained directly to her.

When I told my mother in law the marriage was over I said that her daughter was not having an affair, (or "there was no one else involved" to use my exact words). She saw immediately that I as being hoodwinked, and she said did not believe it, (amongst other very negative things about her daughter, said in the heat of the moment).

 

[oldman]

My answer to your direct question is a frustrating, or equivocal one I'm afraid.
I do trust my good friends, yes, BUT (there's always a but!), I'm not sure whether I totally trust them, nor am I absolutely certain I'd keep their confidences, should they choose to divulge something.
However, in general I do trust folks not to gossip about me, or try to take advantage of whatever it is I've entrusted them with, and maybe I do this to a fault.

In this case, trust means everything. Even if you trust them for most things, but maybe not to pass on personal information about yourself, then you don't rust them. Having a friend that you can tell anything to and not have to worry about it being passed on to someone else is an exemplary friend. Only a few of us can say that about our best friend.

Maybe the better questions would be, "Do you feel comfortable with your BFF not to pass on secrets that you may share with that friend?"