Sadness, tears and Alzheimers, can I just vent a bit.

W

Wilberforce

Jeannine
Location
BC Canada
I have mentioned the odd thing here and there since I joined the forum but never really posted this.

I married my Husband when I was 16, we have been married 57 years.

By the time 2000 came I was sure my husband had some form of dementia. I knew him inside out and backwards and I just knew. It took me two years almost to get a diagnosis and it is Alzheimers.

John is a very clever man, he is a member of Mensa . When he got the firm diagnosis he was still in the early stages and he thoroughly educated himself about the whole disease including the last stages. He made his own decisions ahead of time regarding some medical choices and of course made me his power of attorney in all things. Now you are in the picture.

I looked after him at home for 14years after his diagnosis but last year because of choices beyond my control I had no option but to find a care home place for him . He is now in late stage .

He is fine, well looked after, has no health problems apart from a pace maker and the Alzheimers, he is quite peaceful.

Then comes me. I have now lost the only man I ever loved, he was my best friend, we did everything together and were still like romantic teenagers together until this wicked disease put a stop to everything. We hear about folks who found there soul mates well I am sure we did and I find I am falling apart, I feel one half of me has been ripped from me.

Folks keep telling me I will get used to this but it has not eased even an inch.

I am pretty sure now he know longer knows me. I visit him all the time, sit and watch his fave dvd's with him, take him in his favorite music , I take my needlework and sit there like we would at home but every time I go I cry for hours when I come home, I don't eat, I don't sleep.

The same day he went in my very closest friends husband died of a huge heart attack, she has healed from her grief and they were very close.

I cannot see life without him, I really don't want to, bear in mind we were an incredibly close couple. I don't know what is in the future for me, I can't see that far but I am hurting so bad and it is not easing off.

I know all the therapy answers, it was my job and I am not by the way depressed. Is there anyone out there who has never got over the loss of someone they love because I am starting to get a bit irritated with those who are telling me a whole new life will open up for me.

Sorry to dump this on you all but maybe there is some one I can relate to who can give me a couple of answers as to how to move on

I love my husband so much and simply can't accept the loss.

XX Jeannine
 

What an incredibly difficult and distressing position you are in. I am not even sure what to say to you.

My mother had dementia and was in a care home for the last years of her life. She was 91 when she died and I visited her at least once a week. So, I saw her decline and know something of what you are experiencing. As her condition got worse and as she approached the end of her life, I would see her every other day or every day. Without going into detail, it was hard. Very hard.

However, it could have been nothing compared to what you are experiencing. Although this was my mother, I can only imagine how much more difficult it must be for a wife to watch her husband go through this. I have no answer for you. But I do know that you must find some time for yourself. To do something to take yourself away from the situation and to let yourself 'escape' for a few hours. Something for yourself to look forward to. Maybe then you will begin to accept that there is still meaning to your life and that you can still find some pleasure in it. It can be as simple as a walk, finding a pet to keep you busy, exercise or a hobby. Anything that will take your mind away from your circumstances for those few hours.

What you must not do is feel that you cannot exist without your partner. You can and you know that he would want you to do it in as fulfilling a manner as is possible. So start to think of what sort of things will make you happy and plan to do those things now.

Good luck to you.
 
I so all manner crafts and hobbies I am doing something every waking moment, I literally sew of something till the second I go to bed. I am never idle I have two adorable Chihuahuas Florence and Maisie, they are my babies and I discuss everything with them from what we are eating the next day or what shall we watch on the TV, in their own little way they make excited sounds at some things and not others do my menu or choice of movie is often their choice. I am somewhat disabled now so walking and exercise are not on my agenda anymore I am happy with the company of my dogs and myself and don't feel the need to go anywhere else. Everywhere I went before was with John and many of those places I am not able to do alone anyway. I only leave my house to go and see him which is 3 minutes away. I buy online and have most things delivered. After that I am sort of a hermit. It is easy to say go out but where and do what. I have looked but haven't found anything/

I can physically exist without John but I can't see me building a new life without him, we have been together since children it is just too long a partnership to get over and start again I think.

AS he is late stage he may be getting to the end of his physical life, the rest of him as already gone, then my wish would be to join him,
 

Well maybe it is time to speak to your doctor and enquire about counselling? Family, friends, members here and elsewhere can offer their advice, but maybe something more professional is required.
 
My oldest sister just died from Alzheimer's at 92 and my second oldest has frontal lobe dementia and no longer recognizes me at 84. They are leaving a great hole in my heart and life. I still have one other sister just a year older who lost her husband in an accident many years ago. My other BILs are also dead. Fortunately I have one sibling left to commiserate with and to share feelings with. You are going thru an incredibly difficult time and I hope that you have someone to help you. Counseling and maybe a mild anti-depressant would help. Don't be afraid to seek professional help and feel free to tell us how you are coping...
 
"Is there anyone out there who has never got over the loss of someone they love because I am starting to get a bit irritated with those who are telling me a whole new life will open up for me."

I'm sorry for what you are going through, it is very hard to watch a loved one slowly pass away. I watched my boy (age 29) slowly pass away then two years later my Mom faded away and there was nothing I could do about either of them. From my perspective no, you never get over the loss of a loved one, but you do learn how to deal with it. I was lucky to have friends and family to talk/cry with and I believe that's very important. The posts above mentioning talking to friends, family, or getting counseling are very good I believe.

Take Care, and vent all you want.
 
So sorry :'(. From mensa to senile has got to be rough. I can't imagine it. I'm 62 and have made it clear to family that if I lose my mind that I wish to end my life.
 
I'm so sorry Jeannine, I can't imagine what you're going through right now with your beloved husband. I lost my Aunt to Alzheimer's when I was young, such a sad situation when your loved ones don't remember who you are. I feel for you, caring for him and worrying about him for all these years I'm sure is taking a toll on you and your heart. Hugs my friend.

 
It is so sad that this is happening Jeannine. I've had loved ones who had dementia and it made me cry so much, too. You are going through grief, a tremendous loss because he is no longer "there". Be kind to yourself. Pamper yourself. You've had a real, real rough time of it and could use a break to take care of yourself. Have some luxurious baths, maybe go to a hotel and rent a room and go swimming and use the jaccuzi. Well, please do what you would like to do and then come back to your life. Take good care.
 
I'm so very sorry for you. I lost my mom and Dad years ago and not a day goes by I don't think of them and sometimes cry. I think the holiday season doesn't help the situation either. You take one day at a time, hour by hour, that's all you can do. You are doing all you can and there is comfort in that. Take care of yourself because that is what your husband wants you to do. Talk to your babies, hold them close. Pets can relieve stress and give you comfort also.
 
Thank you all. sometimes it helps just to let folks know. I do find it strange though that yet again it was suggested by more than one person to seek counselling and to take an anti depressant. I am not depressed so why would I take a medication, and why counselling, I know that inside out and a counsellor cannot take my pain away, they could only assist with dealing with it and I am doing that. I see my Dr regularly for other health reasons, he has been my Dr for more than 30 years and he knows me inside and backwards. He agrees I am not depressed, I am sad, I am hurting and I am grieving and he knows how close John and I were.
"
In my heart I know that John has gone, what is left it a shell but whenever I see that shell I still expect one day it will look at me and say " Hi Sweetie, do you fancy a cup of tea"

What I need is ideas, things that I haven't thought of that I can start to do on my own. MY church is about 45 minutes drive away since we moved 4 years ago so I have lost contact with many of the people there and the minister has changed. There was a great amount of activity there but the local one is small with no groups and no interaction at all.

I have tried going to the seniors centre to the crafts group but all they do is knit and they make me feel old, plus there are three women there who lost their husbands to Alzheimers and they chat about how much better there life is. one had a mean husband who treated her badly, one had a husband who worked away from home and rarely came home and the other said she could finally sell their big house and she used the money to buy a super apartment which her husband had refused to do. Not one of the three said they had a close marriage , and all three said their lives were better now than they had ever been. This comment went round the tables quickly, a few other widows joined in with nods and only one woman said she adored her husband, all the others just complained about theirs. Not exactly the place to discuss the pain I have for losing mine. But it takes all types to make a world. It was like being in the twilight zone.

I like the idea of the pool, I love water and tears don't show there but I could only do that in the hot months as I cannot peel off my wet bathing suit and pull clothes on when damp so I need to come home in a bath robe. Bubble baths I do and I do enjoy them.

I don't think being alone is really good but that is easier than one thinks, where does one go ?? I hate eating out, I really dislike restaurant food, I find it is mostly warmed up or frozen and even at home I don't eat left overs so that is out. If there was a high class restaurant that cooked everything from scratch I would eat there even alone but there isn't one without driving 30 miles or so. So I am sort of stuck.

Alzheimers is a terrible disease, yet most folks know little about it, most think of it as a memory problem it is actually a terminal illness that gradually robs a person of all functions, sight, swallowing etc .

boaterboi, you are so right, John of course just had to read all the stuff everything even the clinical studies, he had no illusions about what was coming. HIs IQ made it harder to get the original diagnosis too as he was functioning at a higher level of competence as most people at the stage he was at which made it harder . He still read a lot, then one day I asked him to write me a shopping list out as I had my hands in pastry.I called out all the things, he repeated everyone accurately then put the list in his pocket. We went to the store and I got the list, it was ineligible, now and again there would be a recognizable letter but most were symbols that I had never seen before. He could no longer write.

Thank you all, it does help

XX Jeannien
 
Jeannine,
My heart goes out to you. Like others here, I have watched both parents deal with dementia. However, a spouse is quite a different situation and what you describe here is grief. Grief takes it's time with us. Are there any Alzheimer's support groups nearby? Being around others that are experiencing the same may be helpful even at least to the extent as not feeling so alone in this. It is not unusual to experience grief even before a death when an illness is so lengthy. I should add here that I am not a professional but I have spoken with people that tell you this also.

I don't know what else to tell you but I do know you will get through this. Have faith and believe that peace will find you. Sending prayers your way.
 
Something I do Jeannine, because this time of year is real hard for me, is to binge-watch multiple seasons of shows on Netflix. It takes my mind off of the sadness I feel at this time, too. I do allow myself to feel sad and remember the good times which took a long time to do but I also need a reprieve from it. The Netflix series take me into someone else's world and my imagination can be entertained in there. The Netflix costs me about 10.79 a month with tax in case you are interested in that.

Another thing that can help you feel somewhat better is mild exercise. Our body emits relaxing chemicals (endorphins) when we exercise. I want to do it but haven't gotten the strength yet. I just want to start out doing very light exercise because I have a lot of arthritis and am totally out of shape. I'm thinking of watching youtube.com videos of exercises for seniors which I have seen on there.

Just a few ideas of things that have worked for me in the past.:love_heart:
 
Dear Jeannine,
On another thread Aeron and I tried to mildly suggest you look at life a little differently with regard to silliness etc., and I think you played along with us fools too.

Somehow "tough love" may be the best policy here, sensitive and all your thread subject is of course, and for dramatic effect I could say something like "When I tried to commit suicide" to grab everyone's attention, especially yours. My mother and father tried to be exceedingly kind to me thirty years ago when I fell ill, and my mother couldn't think of anything to tell me in order to make me feel better, than to explain to me how common divorce and separation were becoming, so nothing to be ashamed about. She did not realise that any attempt to "normalise" or minimise what had happened to me would only make my mind fight to hold on to the "special" nature of my own feelings and marriage break up.

I wont say much more here, because I suspect I may fall into the same trap my mother did, if I say for example that I know a very tough man whose wife has died following a years battle with cancer, and he doesn't know how to get over his grief. Your profile picture shows a lady with a strong character in my view and I do hope some strength comes from somewhere to help you.
 
My brother is 79 and lost his wife exactly a year ago. She was 68. He was,and still is,devastated. He never,ever expected that he would outlive her. From pretty much the beginning,he was encouraged by friends to attend a widower`s grief support group. He fought going,but didn`t know what else to do,so he went. And he has been going ever since. They meet weekly,and once a month they have a potluck dinner. He is a lifelong golfer as well,but had stopped playing when Cathy got sick,because she couldn`t play and they had always played together. She did recover the summer before she passed and they were able to travel and play up until shortly before she passed suddenly. I should also mention that my brother also lost his eldest daughter to cancer four months before Cathy died. At any rate,he did start playing golf again about 6 months ago and continues with his support group. He still struggles,still chokes up often when he talks about her,but all in all,I`d say he`s doing well. He is not the least bit interested in dating-although he has several women after him lol. He`s still very handsome and is the funniest man I know. He has been playing golf with a lady from the group but says it is strictly platonic. Could there possibly be a group such as this in your area? You might find women there with interests similar to yours-and if they are at a grief support group,they are more likely to be women who are NOT happy that their husbands are gone. I realize,by the way,that your John is still here. I`m thinking in the future.
 
Jeannine said:
I so all manner crafts and hobbies I am doing something every waking moment, I literally sew of something till the second I go to bed. I am never idle I have two adorable Chihuahuas Florence and Maisie, they are my babies and I discuss everything with them from what we are eating the next day or what shall we watch on the TV, in their own little way they make excited sounds at some things and not others do my menu or choice of movie is often their choice. I am somewhat disabled now so walking and exercise are not on my agenda anymore I am happy with the company of my dogs and myself and don't feel the need to go anywhere else. Everywhere I went before was with John and many of those places I am not able to do alone anyway. I only leave my house to go and see him which is 3 minutes away. I buy online and have most things delivered. After that I am sort of a hermit. It is easy to say go out but where and do what. I have looked but haven't found anything/

I can physically exist without John but I can't see me building a new life without him, we have been together since children it is just too long a partnership to get over and start again I think.

AS he is late stage he may be getting to the end of his physical life, the rest of him as already gone, then my wish would be to join him,
Click to expand...

You are grieving and your feelings are not unusual. We work through the grief process and it can take time but we can and do survive. The memories will be with you but as time passes, the good ones will surface. We learn to be happy again, it's never the same but we do learn. So sorry for all you're going through.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top