Ronni
Well-known Member
- Location
- Nashville TN
Read a really interesting blog post the other day about Secret Rules. Read the entire blog post here
A secret rule is an expectation that only you know exists. It’s an expectation you create in your own mind for how other people should behave.
Here's an excerpt from the blog:
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"Secret rules exist in all facets of our lives
......... My husband has a secret rule that people should not blow their noses at the table when other people are eating. Judging by the number of times we see this behavior in restaurants, it’s pretty obvious that not everyone is aware that this is a rule.
In fact, it’s pretty obvious that it’s NOT an actual rule because so many people do it without embarrassment. I was not aware of this rule myself, and it was something that I never thought about until he brought to my attention.
Early in our dating, he pointed out that someone was blowing their nose at a nearby table when we were eating at a restaurant, and he lost his appetite completely.
Meanwhile, I hadn’t even heard or seen a thing. I was not attuned to that behavior at all, because I don’t have a secret rule around people not blowing their nose at the table.
You could argue that it’s just common sense or decent or manners — and that’s normally how people describe their secret rules — but I never even thought about it until he had what felt to me like an extreme reaction.
Secret rules are the reason why the exact same behavior can elicit annoyance and stress response in one person, and not in another. " (Emphasis mine)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes secret rules can conflict...my secret rule conflicts with yours. Generally the other person isn't being rude or inconsiderate, not intentionally anyway. They're just operating on their secret rule, and it's conflicting with mine. These secret rules may not be the same for me as they are with you, or the same in one group vs another. But still our natural tendency as humans is to assume everyone has all the same secret rules as us and practices them consistently which is what can create conflicts and issues.
Theres so much more in the article...how we're not always consistent in following our own secret rules, we're happy to make exceptions for ourselves, confronting or not confronting others about their secret rules....fascinating stuff!!!
A secret rule is an expectation that only you know exists. It’s an expectation you create in your own mind for how other people should behave.
Here's an excerpt from the blog:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Secret rules exist in all facets of our lives
......... My husband has a secret rule that people should not blow their noses at the table when other people are eating. Judging by the number of times we see this behavior in restaurants, it’s pretty obvious that not everyone is aware that this is a rule.
In fact, it’s pretty obvious that it’s NOT an actual rule because so many people do it without embarrassment. I was not aware of this rule myself, and it was something that I never thought about until he brought to my attention.
Early in our dating, he pointed out that someone was blowing their nose at a nearby table when we were eating at a restaurant, and he lost his appetite completely.
Meanwhile, I hadn’t even heard or seen a thing. I was not attuned to that behavior at all, because I don’t have a secret rule around people not blowing their nose at the table.
You could argue that it’s just common sense or decent or manners — and that’s normally how people describe their secret rules — but I never even thought about it until he had what felt to me like an extreme reaction.
Secret rules are the reason why the exact same behavior can elicit annoyance and stress response in one person, and not in another. " (Emphasis mine)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes secret rules can conflict...my secret rule conflicts with yours. Generally the other person isn't being rude or inconsiderate, not intentionally anyway. They're just operating on their secret rule, and it's conflicting with mine. These secret rules may not be the same for me as they are with you, or the same in one group vs another. But still our natural tendency as humans is to assume everyone has all the same secret rules as us and practices them consistently which is what can create conflicts and issues.
Theres so much more in the article...how we're not always consistent in following our own secret rules, we're happy to make exceptions for ourselves, confronting or not confronting others about their secret rules....fascinating stuff!!!
