Serious Family Health Issue

S

Sunflower52

New Member
My 50 year old son was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago which left us all rearming. . There’s so many unknowns. Same day of his biopsy my daughter in law went on a 3 week vacation with a family member , a vacation that was planned 2 years ago. Leaving 2 children for my ailing son to care for , most of the time.

My daughter in law. Lost her father 8 months ago . was on vacation with her mother , leaving her very sick father Behind but had to return home 5 days into vacation. because he died much earlier Than expected. Her. youngrr brother died unexpectedly 5 mo tbs later. She’s been through hell. Now her husband my son diagnosed with cancer.

my daughter in law., I love dearly. We have a wonder ful relationship. I understand her need to go on this dream vacation. Due to all the losses shes endured and the next year will be hell on her.

but at the same time I. Disappointed In her leaving my son , just being diagnosed, So many more tests To determine the stage, his prognosis , the type of cancer we’re dealing with. .i keep asking myself what kind of wife is she to leave at a time like this. . She’s even expanded the holidays from 2 week To 3 weeks since diagnosis. . I have so many emotions. Greif , extreme anxiety. ,devssted. Angry at my daughter in laws How dare she leave him at a time line this, but understanding at the same time. We have a great mother in law. Daughter in law relationship which I want to keep , but how do I cope with this ?
 

If you live in the same city I would help your son as much as possible while she is gone. I think it was the wrong decision but everyone makes mistakes so I would try to make peace with the way you feel since your relationship with your Dil is generally good.
 
Wow that is a great burden for you to carry. It does seem strange the DIL has extended the holidays from 2 to 3 more weeks. It's still early days since the prognosis and maybe the cancer is not too advanced. Maybe she needed to get away to sought through this troublesome time.
 
I don't think it is unreasonable either, especially if it was planned 2 years ago.

I think you should try to accept this, she has probably had a lot of thought about whether to go or not before deciding to go ahead and she does have to look after herself too.
If you feel angry try not to direct that anger at her. Like others have said, you could seek help about how to cope with this.
 
To watch my sons face, the loss of so much weight in such a short period of time . We know there’s something suspicious showing on his lung and spleen and tumour is behind tbe liver, the size of a baseball and tbe cancer is aggressive.
I guess I expect everyone to do the same as I would Do. Be there for my husband In every way Inpossible for the most scariest. Time of his life. To support him him, Take hiim For his treatments. . This is not the time for him to be alone. Sotry. My daughter in laws love of travel is epic. Ctvsts her career. . It’s a part of who she is. I want to co ti he to have a good relationship with her . So I’m. Got g to have to eat this for the sake of family unity. At this difficult time
 
I have walked in those shoes but I never walked away, only closer. I was always there with him, treatments, appointments, tests surgeries and also travel. I hate to fly so it made me very anxious but I did it. I learned to navigate a new city to get him where he needed to be. I sat day after day trying to take his mind away during chemo. The truth is I can't imagine that she has not come home, does not matter what your son says, she should be there period.

I will say I sent my MIL with her daughter on a tour of the east coast right after my husband had brain surgery. He did well, the recovery would be long. Her health was failing and I thought it best she go, not stay and worry herself sick. It was the last trip she took. When my husband died, she passed 8 days later.
 
My advice is that you take a few minutes to breathe, I know that this is all hitting you at once and your mind is racing at 100 miles per hour.

It's only natural to panic, but as you have said yourself, you don't know much about the situation and proposed medical procedure they are going to go with.

Please do not put extra pressure on your son by expressing your disappointment in his wife.
Trust me that will just be putting the cat among the pigeons, nothing good can come from this.

Prayers to your son and your family. 🙏
 
Sunflower52 said:
To watch my sons face, the loss of so much weight in such a short period of time . We know there’s something suspicious showing on his lung and spleen and tumour is behind tbe liver, the size of a baseball and tbe cancer is aggressive.
I guess I expect everyone to do the same as I would Do. Be there for my husband In every way Inpossible for the most scariest. Time of his life. To support him him, Take hiim For his treatments. . This is not the time for him to be alone. Sotry. My daughter in laws love of travel is epic. Ctvsts her career. . It’s a part of who she is. I want to co ti he to have a good relationship with her . So I’m. Got g to have to eat this for the sake of family unity. At this difficult time
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Yes, difficult though it is I think you have to accept this for the sake of family unity.

It is really between the couple themselves and what they would do, not what anyone else would do.

Especially if the trip was already planned (and presumably booked and paid for) - I can see the reasoning behind going on it, and being able to come back re-charged to face the battle together
 
Thank you. I am blessed with a caring loving daughter in law who b loves me line another mother. Forvrgecszjebofvtvs family I will keep my disappointment to myself as we’re dealing with enough drama. This is the time to stick together And rely cob each other’s strengths.
Thank you everyone. Your sound advice is just what I needed.Fight now. Thank you.
 
Murrmurr said:
Maybe she talked about it with your son, and he told her to go. I would have, in his shoes.
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I would, too... I realize that my drummer may very well beat out a different tune than most, but I would *much* rather go through ugly things alone than to have my loved ones see me in whatever condition it may be. Being/fighting whatever it would be alone (again, my drummer, my feelings) would be preferable to seeing what I'm putting people close to me through.
 
Sunflower52 said:
To watch my sons face, the loss of so much weight in such a short period of time . We know there’s something suspicious showing on his lung and spleen and tumour is behind tbe liver, the size of a baseball and tbe cancer is aggressive.
I guess I expect everyone to do the same as I would Do. Be there for my husband In every way Inpossible for the most scariest. Time of his life. To support him him, Take hiim For his treatments. . This is not the time for him to be alone. Sotry. My daughter in laws love of travel is epic. Ctvsts her career. . It’s a part of who she is. I want to co ti he to have a good relationship with her . So I’m. Got g to have to eat this for the sake of family unity. At this difficult timTh
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That is a really hard one! We all know what we'd do but can't make anyone else feel that way. She is the one that lives with it.
If it was my son I'd feel exactly the same as you. 😕
 
Hm. It would be easy to rant one way or another. It's difficult without actually knowing people.

My gut reaction is that it would have been preferable for your daughter-in-law to show some compassion for her partner, and to have sufficient concern over what he might experience/learn in the next few weeks. That she'd like to be close to him at a time of mental anguish and trauma.

The way to OP has written it, it almost makes it seem as though she runs away when things get tough. The thing is, this isn't just about her. Her staying would change nothing about his diagnosis or results. It would however cover the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. Personally, I couldn't enjoy a holiday knowing my partner was just diagnoses with cancer. But that's just me....

What should you do? Comfort your son, let him know you're there for him. Keep friendly with the wife. Ultimately, it's their marriage.
 
CallMeKate said:
I would, too... I realize that my drummer may very well beat out a different tune than most, but I would *much* rather go through ugly things alone than to have my loved ones see me in whatever condition it may be. Being/fighting whatever it would be alone (again, my drummer, my feelings) would be preferable to seeing what I'm putting people close to me through.
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I was also thinking about having this time with his kids; just him and the kids.
 
My views are mixed about this. There are three people (and maybe more) involved in this situation:
Your son who is experiencing cancer and needs extra attention as a result.
You, as the mother, learning about his cancer and absolutely wishing the best for him.
Your daughter-in-law, who despite her husband's cancer diagnosis, is going on a trip.

My gut reaction is for the daughter-in-law to remain with her husband. The trip can always be taken at a later date. There is no guarantee that her husband will be around when she returns (sorry if I hit a nerve there). Also, if something does happen to him, will she be able to live with the guilt feeling that she was not there for him when he needed her the most? (assuming she does feel guilt).

But like others said, the choice whether for her to go or stay belongs to the couple. If your son is ok with her leaving on the trip, then he is an incredibly compassionate person! I also agree that it would be good to go for counseling and therapy, since this is a very difficult moment in all your lives.

PS If I were the mother-in-law and my son was going through this ordeal, I would be greatly disturbed by the daughter-in-law's action to go on the trip, leaving him to fend for himself. But that's me!


Good luck and God bless!
 
palides2021 said:
My views are mixed about this. There are three people (and maybe more) involved in this situation:
Your son who is experiencing cancer and needs extra attention as a result.
You, as the mother, learning about his cancer and absolutely wishing the best for him.
Your daughter-in-law, who despite her husband's cancer diagnosis, is going on a trip.

My gut reaction is for the daughter-in-law to remain with her husband. The trip can always be taken at a later date. There is no guarantee that her husband will be around when she returns (sorry if I hit a nerve there). Also, if something does happen to him, will she be able to live with the guilt feeling that she was not there for him when he needed her the most? (assuming she does feel guilt).

But like others said, the choice whether for her to go or stay belongs to the couple. If your son is ok with her leaving on the trip, then he is an incredibly compassionate person! I also agree that it would be good to go for counseling and therapy, since this is a very difficult moment in all your lives.

PS If I were the mother-in-law and my son was going through this ordeal, I would be greatly disturbed by the daughter-in-law's action to go on the trip, leaving him to fend for himself. But that's me!


Good luck and God bless!
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My daughter in law and her mother flew to Europe , leaving a terminally ill husband and father behi d at his insistence. Everyone thought he had 2 years. But just the week before. Mother and daughter left, husband and father couldn’t get out of bed but rallied. Mother and daughter was in 4 th day of vacation, and called back home. Father and husband died In Their absence. Not only were they grief stricken but lived with extreme guilt. For months. The latter turned out to be the hardest to bear. But now she is repeating The same decision To go on vacation.
my son is a very compassionate person , and like my daughter in laws father, insisted she goes. But I know him. He put his feelings aside and placed her insatiable need for travel first and foremost. But I know he’s lonely and in physical pain And fear Of the unknown. She literally dropped him off at the hospital to have a biopsy completed so she can catch her flight in time. . He has to take himself for a body scan and his prognosis. And treatment plan alone while shes looking at the pretty scenery , experience. The cultures. Food. And so on and God knows what he’s going to hear.
I love her but right now I’m extremely disappointed But for family unity m I will not show my true feelings. My son who I see through my lenses as a small boy . Mama Bear is not happy. We’re desperate.
 
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