When I was a little snot-nosed kid my Mom would take me to Genung's Department Store in downtown Yonkers, NY.
It was a wonderful, magical and navigable store, even though it had 3 or 4 floors and a basement. It was a simple rectangle and you always knew how to get out - well, you really only had two choices, forward or back - if one didn't work you picked the other.
The last time I was in a modern mall was a few years ago, a Macy's. I SWEAR they hired the inventors of the Rubik's Cube and the Chinese finger trap to design this place, then brought in a few hedge-maze designers for the finishing touches. I spent 10 minutes lost in Perfumes - every time I made one complete lap of the department I was awarded a squirt of the latest "masculine aromatherapy aerosol", which to MY olfactory senses smelled not unlike the working gal I used to know down on 32[SUP]nd[/SUP] Street.
I finally managed to escape this
Carousel of Despair only to find myself smack in the middle of
The Forbidden Zone, a place where many men far braver than I had perished - in fact, their bleached bones were on display everywhere I looked.
I was in Lady's Undergarments.
Young ladies holding up strange, multi-colored and flimsy garments paused and glared at me, then looked around quickly to see where my wife was. As I had none at the time this fact raised a silent alarm among the dozen or so women browsing the racks. Like a flock of birds telepathically communicating orders they all suddenly dropped their unmentionables and flew the coop, leaving me in a pile of silky disdain.
By the time I recovered from this ordeal and managed somehow to find the main mall I was too tired to even remember what I had come to purchase. Rather than turn around and once again face that gauzy gauntlet I decided to spend the night in the Hickory Farms store, where I soon enough curled up under a display of Holiday Meat Trays and fell fast asleep.