Signs Of Humor

[jeff]

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.​

A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."

When asked why the 4 men had such diverse careers, she explained, "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go."

 

[Jazzy1]

 

[jeff]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

 

[jeff]

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab​

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" she asks the driver.

The driver sees this as a chance to prank the old woman for some laughs.

-"That's a sight that I had installed so I can aim my targets better" he answers.

-"What do you mean by *targets*?" she asks

-"Well, you see that cyclist over there cycling along the road? Well I hate those cyclists so I'm going to run over him!"

As the woman gasps, he proceeds to accelerate and drive directly towards the unaware cyclist, but in the last moment he turns the wheel to dodge the cyclist. But there's a loud sound that surprises the driver.

"What was that sound??" he asks.

"Well, you can say whatever you want about that fancy sight of yours, but if I hadn't opened the car's door, we wouldn't have hit that goddamm cyclist!"

 

[jeff]

Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
The good fortune to run into the people I do like,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Serenity Prayer:
Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change
And wine to accept the things I can’t.

 

[Pappy]