Simplifying holidays when parents can’t handle big gatherings anymore

JeanBrown

JeanBrown

New Member
Hi everyone, I’ve been reading a few threads here and finally decided to join in properly. I’m 52, living in the US with two teenagers, and I’m also very involved in caring for my aging parents. As my parents have gotten older, the holidays have started to look very different for our family.

They used to love having a house full of people, noise, big meals and late-night card games. Now large gatherings leave them exhausted and overwhelmed for days. My teens still love the big family traditions, but my parents clearly don’t have the stamina anymore.

This year I’m trying to find a balance: maybe a smaller main day with just a few of us, and then shorter visits spread out over several days, instead of one big, intense event. Part of me worries the kids will feel like they’re “missing out” and my parents will feel guilty for not being able to host like they used to.

Have you changed the way you do holidays as you or your parents have aged? What has helped you keep the heart of the tradition without wearing everyone out?
 

Welcome. Yes me and my wife took over all the holiday meals at a certain point. First I made food and served it at my father's house and then we made everyone come to our home, since we had a young child at the time.

My advice is you and your siblings, if any, take all that over and make new traditions. And if the kids do feel like they're missing out they've probably been raised well enough that they'll understand that you have obligations to your parents to fulfill and perhaps they'll enjoy helping you entertain.
 
From my experience in my mid-life children taking over hosting, it was a relief really.
The one and only thing that hurt was in taking over hosting, my DIL's also thought it
a good idea to completely lesson my role in the event, which truly hurt.

There are some dishes I think all mom's thrill to be asked to make as a contribution and keep
up a family tradition (makes us feel needed/wanted over useless). Simple gesture and what's
the harm?
 
JeanBrown said:
They used to love having a house full of people, noise, big meals and late-night card games. Now large gatherings leave them exhausted and overwhelmed for days. My teens still love the big family traditions, but my parents clearly don’t have the stamina anymore.
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Time for that to be passed on to you.
You and your family host the event, keeping "the big family traditions". Your parents come for a visit and enjoy.

That's what we do!
 
I think the goal should be simplifying the holidays for the senior family members.

When my grandmother and mother (neither drove) were alive I hosted most of the holidays, I would pick them up and bring them to my house and when they got tired I or someone would take them home. Before a birthday or Christmas I would take them shopping so they could buy a few gifts, or to the grocery store if they wanted to cook or bake something so they felt like they were contributing.

Visiting family and playing with the grandkids was their only job.🥰
 
I would split it up with a family breakfast or brunch with the teens and a portable picnic type meal with your folks at their home or focus on one age group for Christmas Eve and the other group for Christmas Day.

Don’t overthink it, talk to everyone involved and just go with the flow.
 
IrishEyes said:
There are some dishes I think all mom's thrill to be asked to make as a contribution and keep
up a family tradition (makes us feel needed/wanted over useless). Simple gesture and what's
the harm?
Click to expand...
What you said really resonates with me.
I can imagine how being completely “taken out” of the hosting role would sting, especially when you’ve spent years being the heart of those gatherings.

In my parents’ case, they do get overwhelmed now, but they still light up when they’re asked to make one familiar dish or set out something small. It gives them a sense of purpose without tiring them out.
 
This year everyone thought it would be nice to have Thanksgiving at our home but they'd bring all the food here. DON'T DO THAT!

:) I appreciated the thought but 10 people, a football game, a big dog, we honestly were exhausted. Ask your parents what they want to do!! They may like to stay home for the holiday? Ask them and agree with their answer.
 
Coco said:
This year everyone thought it would be nice to have Thanksgiving at our home but they'd bring all the food here. DON'T DO THAT! I appreciated the thought but 10 people, a football game, a big dog, we honestly were exhausted. Ask your parents what they want to do!! They may like to stay home for the holiday? Ask them and agree with their answer.
Click to expand...
yes ask everyone and remind them of the family differences and ages and needs? - I think it does need some good co-ordination.
 

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