Sister-in-law just wondering what you would do

L

LoveTulips

Senior Member
Location
British Columbia, Canada
So I have a feeling, just a feeling that if my sister-in-law's father passes away, she may expect me to attend the service. I don't know what my brother (her husband) would agree with her or not. I'm just putting this out there in case it happens as her father is 95 years old. This is the problem. I live in British Columbia and her father is in Montreal. I met her father once at their wedding years ago. I know it is not about the person dying but supporting the family members. I am on a limited income being retired and don't want to spend money on flights and hotel. What do you all think?
 

LoveTulips said:
So I have a feeling, just a feeling that if my sister-in-law's father passes away, she may expect me to attend the service. I don't know what my brother (her husband) would agree with her or not. I'm just putting this out there in case it happens as her father is 95 years old. This is the problem. I live in British Columbia and her father is in Montreal. I met her father once at their wedding years ago. I know it is not about the person dying but supporting the family members. I am on a limited income being retired and don't want to spend money on flights and hotel. What do you all think?
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well, I would hope that your s-i-l and brother would know that your funds are limited and can't afford the trip, and not ask you....

If they do you just have to tell them what you told us.. and send some flowers...
 
Murrmurr said:
Not casting shade, but it's customary in my family to pay for a person's travel and provide accommodations if you invite them to weddings and funerals and they live a long distance away.

I wouldn't go, but I'd send flowers....and they aren't cheap, either, so I hope they appreciate it.
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👍
 
if you have only met the person once, years ago, and it is a long way from home - I would not go.
- it just isn't something I would do or expect anyone else to do

Most funerals are streamed these days - if you want to see it you could view it by zoom or suchlike.

But I wouldnt do that either for a person I only met once years ago.

I think you just have to be polite but firm and No, sorry, I am not going.

No excuses or anything - just politely No.
 
When my parents were dying I went home for 2 weeks to visit them each. When they died a few weeks later I didn’t fly across the country for the funeral because of the expense. Last minute plane tickets are very expensive. So my opinion is no.
 
LoveTulips said:
So I have a feeling, just a feeling that if my sister-in-law's father passes away, she may expect me to attend the service. I don't know what my brother (her husband) would agree with her or not. I'm just putting this out there in case it happens as her father is 95 years old. This is the problem. I live in British Columbia and her father is in Montreal. I met her father once at their wedding years ago. I know it is not about the person dying but supporting the family members. I am on a limited income being retired and don't want to spend money on flights and hotel. What do you all think?
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If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

I understand there is shame associated with being poor, I carry that shame also, but I do not understand why we're ashamed to say very nicely, "I am so sorry for your loss and if I had the spare income I would attend, but plane fare is just too high." Write some more condolences in a card and then send some lovely flowers or a nice gift basket with things to eat.

I might even opt for "permanent" flowers and send an arrangement or wreath from Michael's Crafts these days.
 
Personally I'd say (especially since you just met him once) that I'm sorry I won't be able to attend the services, but please let me know what I can do for her (the s-i-l). I'd also send flowers or donate to wherever they specify in his memory. I wouldn't make an excuse about why I wouldn't go... since it's a distance and you didn't actually ever see him more than once, I'd hope they'd understand and approve of the decision.
 
LoveTulips said:
So I have a feeling, just a feeling that if my sister-in-law's father passes away, she may expect me to attend the service. I don't know what my brother (her husband) would agree with her or not. I'm just putting this out there in case it happens as her father is 95 years old. This is the problem. I live in British Columbia and her father is in Montreal. I met her father once at their wedding years ago. I know it is not about the person dying but supporting the family members. I am on a limited income being retired and don't want to spend money on flights and hotel. What do you all think?
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Those that can, can. Those that can't, can't. Personally, I'd imagine that it's accepted that as we get older we're not able to attend such events. Be it money, health, or simply a desire to put yourself through a long-distance trek. Let alone for such a dour event.

Try to send some nice flowers, give them a call to say how sorry you are for their loss, and of they ask if you're attending, tell them you're not able to.
 
CallMeKate said:
Personally I'd say (especially since you just met him once) that I'm sorry I won't be able to attend the services, but please let me know what I can do for her (the s-i-l). I'd also send flowers or donate to wherever they specify in his memory. I wouldn't make an excuse about why I wouldn't go... since it's a distance and you didn't actually ever see him more than once, I'd hope they'd understand and approve of the decision.
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yes but remember it's also her brother's feelings too... so really it would be strange if she didn't give an explanation to her brother..
 
CallMeKate said:
I'm thinking he probably wouldn't expect his sister to attend a funeral a distance away for someone she didn't know. But I guess time will tell.
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That's my guess, too. When my three sisters' various in-laws passed, all 3000 miles from me, they let me know but had no expectations of my flying across the country for the funeral. Nor, when my in-laws passed, did it dawn on me that they would come here.

I'd met all of those in-laws numerous times, as they had met mine.

Many years ago, I told my cousins and siblings that I'd fly in for as many weddings, anniversary parties and other celebratory gatherings as I possibly can, but will not be there for funerals because I can't afford to do both. (I've been true to my word.)

My large family has mostly remained on the east coast so my siblings have been well supported with family and friends during the passing of their in-laws.

Should my siblings or their husbands pass, I will try mightily to attend their funerals.
 
I must be an oddball here. I'm thinking of my sisters-in-laws' parents, and my brother-in-law's parents... whether or not to attend a funeral for them would have never entered my mind. I don't know them. I've been at events with them a couple of times each, but for a death, my response would be a sympathy card and flowers or a meal taken if they're close-by. I dearly love my sister-and-brother in-laws, but a funeral for their parents that I hadn't known would be a non-issue.
 
For all you know, there may not even be a funeral per se. Perhaps only a quiet close-family-only graveside service.

When my brother-in-law's mother died, that's what they did. There was them, his brother, one niece and me, with the funeral director saying a few words. We went to dinner after.

The cemetery was a half-hour drive from my house. She lived here in Florida; they lived in the Pacific NW. I wouldn't have flown out there for her funeral, nor would they have expected me to.
 
So many mentioned sending flowers. Reading obituaries, the majority suggest a donation to a favourite charity of the deceased.
 

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