So, I need you're opinion. Grandfathers getting "married" or so he thinks....Dementia?

C

chris015

New Member
I signed up on here to ask this. Dont hate me please.

Im one of his grandsons (age 28). My mother just alerted me about this situation. I will try to keep it short and to the point.

My grandfather is 81 (i think? im horrible). He lost his wife of 54 years about 3 years ago. He is a retired preacher of some 20 odd years or so.VERY faithful in his believes. Hes been in rough shape mentally when it comes to his wife since he believes in Gods healing. He is a very smart man, can read insane mathematical questions and be on point with day to day tasks. About a year ago he started talking about remarrying and that he and God has chosen who he wanted to marry. It is a woman from a church band he and his wife has watched for dang i dont know 20 plus years on tv? Well the family just kinda laughed it off a little and rolled along with it thinking it was just a moment. He kinda got irritated and stopped talking about it till now. The other day we started getting invitations to a WEDDING at a church. He has rented a church,rented a white tux and he is expecting this woman to show up to the wedding he has never even talked too nor does she know that he even exists. If we try to correct him he gets upset and hangs up. My mother,her siblings and my aunt is looking deeply into it. My aunt has power of attorney.

How would you go about this situation? Just looking for Peoples opinions.Thanks for reading.
 

My goodness, the woman does not even know he exists?

How did you find out he rented a church and a white tux?

I will say, you don't "correct" your grandfather!

Just have someone there, ready to care for him on the wedding day when she doesn't show up. Give him affection, understanding and respect. My heart goes out to him.
 
awwww bless him, I feel for him, he's clearly very confused and needs the whole family to support him with this...the death of his wife ( your grandmother) clearly had a massive effect on his mental health, and perhaps not really picked up on by the family at the time..not a criticism, of course, .. but as Radish Rose so rightly says.. if Grandad won't or is unable to listen or understand reason, the whole family has to go along with this and just turn up at church on the day and support him as much as he needs..
 

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hollydolly said:
awwww bless him, I feel for him, he's clearly very confused and needs the whole family to support him with this...the death of his wife ( your grandother) clearly had a massive effect on his mental health, and perhaps not really picked up on by the family at the time..not a criticism, of course, .. but as Radish Rose so rightly says.. if Grandad won't or is unable to listen or understand reason, the whole family has to go along with this and just turn up at church on the day and support him as much as he needs..
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I agree. That's about all you can do. Arguing about it with him will just break his heart, and then when she doesn't show up he will blame you somehow because you didn't believe him. Just love and support him.
 
This dear man needs care on a day to day basis. It appears he's not in touch with reality, and that would concern me. There isn't anything you can do to change his mind about the wedding, I'm sure, but the family should probably be making arrangements to hire an attendant for him. When the bride doesn't show up he is going to regress even more. So sad....

Good luck!
 
Well, for him to get married, you do need a bride. I assume you know, who this woman is? Contact her. It sounds as if God has not sent angels to notify her she's getting married, or if the angels showed up, what kind of groom she's getting. If there's nobody to say, " I do", that is a good way for even an 81 year old guy to understand he's not getting married.

(BTW "Power of Attorney" is to act for him in legally specific areas, marriage may not be one of them. You need to clarify that with an attorney.)
 
jujube said:
Oh, dear. I'll just agree with the advice to be there for him. It's almost impossible to convince someone that he's living in a fantasy world. Just show up and be ready to pick up the pieces. Definitely time for a medical assessment, though.
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Oh, bless his heart but I can only agree, he needs all your love and support at this time.
 
I brought this back to the top because I was wondering if Chris015 had any updates . Probably not . I wished I could have heard some happy news. What a sad situation.
 
Toomuchstuff said:
I brought this back to the top because I was wondering if Chris015 had any updates . Probably not . I wished I could have heard some happy news. What a sad situation.
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Oh im still here and i appreciate everyone's opinion. So here is what has happened so far. He went out and put a down payment on a cake,and even a deposit on a Tennessee honeymoon. My aunt called both and explained the situation and they both understood and they are going to help her (my aunt) to refund his account when needed be. As far as getting him seen by someone my aunt has arranged him to go to a specialist to be looked at. She is going to tell him he has to get a physical before he can get married. Hopefully that will go through to get him on something to help with the dementia etc. After that IF need be if he has to go to a nice home temporarily or longer he has already got his bag packed for this "honeymoon" he is going on. He even went and bought new pajamas. But as far as i know they are going to let him go through with it. my family is going to get together sometime soon.

I will try to keep posted if you are interested.
 
Chris, Thanks for the update!

Please keep us posted!

From what you have told us so far it is hard to tell if your Grandfather has a problem or not.

When is the wedding to take place?
 
I say, let him have a few happy years here on earth while he can. I assume she is also a Christian.

So, if he's prayed and sought God's will, and if he believes that he has God's answer to get married, that's a good thing. Who are we to judge? Actually, its a compliment to his wife whose memory he cherishes that he loves the marriage institute so much.

Being a mathematician, I can understand his love of the subject and there were times in my 40 yr vocation that I thought that studying math all the time would run me crazy. (some of my students thought many times that I had lost it also, and they told me so)

I hope everything goes well and they live many more happy years together. I wish them the best.
 
exwisehe said:
I say, let him have a few happy years here on earth while he can. I assume she is also a Christian.

So, if he's prayed and sought God's will, and if he believes that he has God's answer to get married, that's a good thing. Who are we to judge? Actually, its a compliment to his wife whose memory he cherishes that he loves the marriage institute so much.

Being a mathematician, I can understand his love of the subject and there were times in my 40 yr vocation that I thought that studying math all the time would run me crazy. (some of my students thought many times that I had lost it also, and they told me so)

I hope everything goes well and they live many more happy years together. I wish them the best.
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Uh, did you miss the part where the prospective "bride" doesn't even know he exists? She's someone he's watched on TV for years and now he thinks he's going to marry her. I'm not sure it matters whether she's a Christian or worships trees. She's not going to be there for the "wedding".
 
chris015 said:
Oh im still here and i appreciate everyone's opinion. So here is what has happened so far. He went out and put a down payment on a cake,and even a deposit on a Tennessee honeymoon. My aunt called both and explained the situation and they both understood and they are going to help her (my aunt) to refund his account when needed be. As far as getting him seen by someone my aunt has arranged him to go to a specialist to be looked at. She is going to tell him he has to get a physical before he can get married. Hopefully that will go through to get him on something to help with the dementia etc. After that IF need be if he has to go to a nice home temporarily or longer he has already got his bag packed for this "honeymoon" he is going on. He even went and bought new pajamas. But as far as i know they are going to let him go through with it. my family is going to get together sometime soon.

I will try to keep posted if you are interested.
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Sounds like you guys are doing all you can for your grandfather. I know this must be very hard for you all.

Please do keep us posted. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you, and especially your grandfather.
 
Aunt Bea said:
Chris, Thanks for the update!

Please keep us posted!

From what you have told us so far it is hard to tell if your Grandfather has a problem or not.

When is the wedding to take place?
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Thanks everyone for the support and best wishes.

I believe the 23rd of this month is the wedding. Craziest thing is i dropped by my parents Tuesday to pick up a battery booster since my car battery was bad and my Mother happened to be on the phone with him. I walked in and he heard me and wanted to talk to me. (First time since i got the wedding invitation). Me and him talked about my battery and he mentioned about his serpentine belt on his car snapped last week and how him and another man fixed it, and how he checked to make sure everything was correct etc like if you were talking to someone who was a certified mechanic. (as i am actually so this kinda impressed me)

Then he went from that to "Did you get my wedding invitation? Im so excited!" and im just so shocked on how his mind can change from reality to his fantasy. Which is indeed upsetting. I just told him i will try my best to be there if my work allows me. He said ok i will let you go,love ya bye. ugh. this sucks.
 
Chris, are you sure that there really is not going to be a wedding? How can you be sure that she doesn't know he exists? Have you discussed this with her?
 
I may be the lone dissenter, here, but I feel reality must be addressed: I would follow up on every single thing this obviously deluded, and possibly demented, man did, and undo the same, making sure to get all refunds. If anyone balks, I would explain the situation and let the crooks know that I'll do everything legally possible to get full refunds. Then, I'd take Grampa to a specialist and have him evaluated for dementia. While I respect the opinions that counsel going with the flow, even to the point of showing up at the church (!), I would NEVER go that route. This man needs help, and he needs it now, before he gets in serious trouble. There are scammers out there who just can't wait to find Grampa and exploit his advancing mental deterioration. If he has had a break with reality, over the death of his wife, then perhaps a psychiatrist can help him face up to the same, but I think this situation is more serious than that. I hope you don't find a $20,000 engagement/wedding ring set some slick jewelry salesman talked him into buying. BTW: Just because Grampa is very sharp on some technical procedures and such, means nothing about his chances of heading into dementia. There are Alz patients out there who can't remember their families but can still sit down at a piano and play beautiful music they learned sixty years ago. The human brain is a very complex and mysterious thing.
 
When my friend's mother was suffering from senile dementia (that's how she was diagnosed) before her death a couple of years ago, her treating physicians advised him and us that it served no purpose for us to try to convince her that her view of the world bore little to no relation to reality and indeed that such attempts might increase her distress. He particularly said to quit trying to convince her that her husband had been dead for years because she found great comfort in believing he was still with her.

However, having said that, I'm pretty sure her situation was much worse than the grandfather's in this discussion; she had become unable to function outside an institution and besides the fact that she scrambled identities of her visitors with dead family members and the past with the present, she also had developed some decidedly bizarre behavior.

I agree that the gentleman needs help, and I hope the family can get help for him, but I also think that now, probably more than ever, he needs to feel the love and support of his family, particularly when the "bride" leaves him standing at the altar.
 
treeguy64 said:
I may be the lone dissenter, here, but I feel reality must be addressed: I would follow up on every single thing this obviously deluded, and possibly demented, man did, and undo the same, making sure to get all refunds. If anyone balks, I would explain the situation and let the crooks know that I'll do everything legally possible to get full refunds. Then, I'd take Grampa to a specialist and have him evaluated for dementia. While I respect the opinions that counsel going with the flow, even to the point of showing up at the church (!), I would NEVER go that route. This man needs help, and he needs it now, before he gets in serious trouble. There are scammers out there who just can't wait to find Grampa and exploit his advancing mental deterioration. If he has had a break with reality, over the death of his wife, then perhaps a psychiatrist can help him face up to the same, but I think this situation is more serious than that. I hope you don't find a $20,000 engagement/wedding ring set some slick jewelry salesman talked him into buying. BTW: Just because Grampa is very sharp on some technical procedures and such, means nothing about his chances of heading into dementia. There are Alz patients out there who can't remember their families but can still sit down at a piano and play beautiful music they learned sixty years ago. The human brain is a very complex and mysterious thing.
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I agree! Someone needs to IMMEDIATELY take/get control of this gentleman's finances. He needs evaluated by someone specializing in dementia. The longer his family waits and allows him to function on his own, the more danger he may bring on himself and/or his family. If everyone sits back and waits for the wedding date, knowing it's a bust, when the "bride" doesn't show who knows how this might affect him. He could completely go "off the deep end", harming himself. He could seem okay, go home, and donate every last penny to support the "bride's" band or to some telephone scammer. It was mentioned about changing a belt on his auto... after you told him about your vehicle troubles. Did that actually happen? He may well be delusional even about things that one would assume happened. Again, the longer the family waits in seeking comprehensive medical evaluations and constant care the more you are putting your loved one in danger.

At 71 years old, I know tomorrow... or the next day... or the next... I may be in the same position. If the family walked in today suggesting I need care, I would only hope to have the wherewithal to smile and follow them out the front door............ spin around, lock them out, barricade myself in the home, call 911 telling them the house in on fire, grab a new bag of potato chips, turn on television, lean back in my recliner and wait for the fun to begin!!!!!!:)
 
Alrighty. Update.

Tuesday my Aunt went to visit him since he was not answering his phone calls. They said hi,small talk, etc. Well he said "im confused about something" and broke down in tears and said he knew he feels like he is making a mistake and there was no wedding and he was just lonely and miserable since his wife died. He said he was embarrassed that he bought the cake,tux,church rental etc. He is going to the doctors for a appointment for a UTI and while he is there they are going to see what hes got going on and what he needs for his problems. He is also going to be staying with my aunt part time and getting taken care of. He gets so excited over a simple phone call or just taking him to the park. I think he has some dementia problems but hes just mainly lonely and depressed.

lol funny thing here is he was going to a sit down country restaurant and playing bingo on Sundays with some other elderly people. He stopped because he said "They were old,boring and no sense in humor and i had to pay a $1 at the dollar store for a prize"

I will give a update next week. thanks for yalls help.
 
chris015 said:
Alrighty. Update.

Tuesday my Aunt went to visit him since he was not answering his phone calls. They said hi,small talk, etc. Well he said "im confused about something" and broke down in tears and said he knew he feels like he is making a mistake and there was no wedding and he was just lonely and miserable since his wife died. He said he was embarrassed that he bought the cake,tux,church rental etc. He is going to the doctors for a appointment for a UTI and while he is there they are going to see what hes got going on and what he needs for his problems. He is also going to be staying with my aunt part time and getting taken care of. He gets so excited over a simple phone call or just taking him to the park. I think he has some dementia problems but hes just mainly lonely and depressed.

lol funny thing here is he was going to a sit down country restaurant and playing bingo on Sundays with some other elderly people. He stopped because he said "They were old,boring and no sense in humor and i had to pay a $1 at the dollar store for a prize"

I will give a update next week. thanks for yalls help.
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Thanks for the update!

Glad to hear that he is going to the doctor. Strange as it sounds the UTI could be causing some of his symptoms that mimic dementia.

Good luck!
 

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