So, my Mother is in Hospital

[MountainRa]

I greatly empathize with you, having just gone through the same experience with my mom in September of this year. The exception being my brother and I were on the same page.

I have to say reading the comments SF members have posted to your post has been a help to me as well.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I’m so very sorry. It’s one of the hardest things you will do but when it’s over you will be glad you were there for your mom’s last journey. Take care.

 

[OneEyedDiva]

My mother is in hospital too, a little older than yours. Usually mum is relatively robust, her mind is still active and it is easy to forget that time is running short. Only now, in that hospital bed, she seems so small and fragile. I hope she will be home for Christmas but, it is sad to think that realistically, we are running out of time.

Your post describes exactly how it is and, indeed, it is a strange place.

Whatever the outcome @VaughanJB your mother is not alone, she has you and your brother by her side. I hope you have support to help you through.

I'm sorry you are going through the same thing as VJB Trish! May your mum be made comfortable and when her time comes, her transition be a peaceful one. I know she will feel loved with you by her side.

 

[TeePee]

I remember what it was like having to make arrangements for both of my parents who died 6 months apart. When it was time for my husband to pass, he was in Palliative Care and wanted desperately to come home. The doctor's said it was okay and made arrangements to have a hospital bed taken to our home. I was beside myself as it all became too difficult what with
bathing and toilet. I rang the hospital and said I think he needed to go back. I was so guilty doing this and explained to him it was for the best. He died 3 days later in hospital.
I never want my boys to go through similar things, and if it came to no hope for me to continue with life "Do Not Resuscitate" and let me go peacefully.

I agree. Once I'm dead, leave me that way in peace.

 

[VaughanJB]

Firstly, thank you everyone.

As one might expect, I have a rather unconventional response.

I simply cannot prevent myself from analyzing every single detail, for looking behind words and opinions of family members for their desires, wishes, and ambitions. Motivations.

My mother is still with us. I visited yesterday. She will never walk again. I am battling with a sibling whose focus is on more than care. Meaning, financial concerns. Essentially, in the UK you can get home help for bedridden patients, but the cost is an assessment made of savings and income.

This is no problem for me, but for others, it's a problem. My perspective is simple - my mothers wealth (such as it is) is hers, and if it's all spent on her care, that is what it is. Others want to reduce costs to ensure everything is not eaten up by the cost of care. This is to the extent that some want to claim they can provide care themselves, so why pay others for it?

Which sounds good, but I'm the youngest, so everyone else is more elderly. It doesn't ring true. I might wish to provide 24/7 care, but the reality is that I'm unable to. In short, I have zero concern for what is left, only what it takes day by day.

My mother is now bedridden, but worse, her mind is going. She repeats questions over and over. She is confused. She is losing her history. She is vulnerable, moving into a world where history is made up of five minutes or less of memory.

I love her, but we are here after decades of actions. In over 4 decades (literally) she has never called me (by phone, letter, or electronically). This angers me. Looking now, I'm the only one who puts her first. Everyone else is self-interested in some way. But I feel removed.

Being the runt of the family, the black sheep, has its own price. My mother has become frail, both physically and mentally. She hangs on, not through any effort, but because it's what we do as humans. And I struggle to work through the real concern of others, and the mess of self interest. My brother calls me and looks for affirmation, but I can offer him none. My sister is oblivious.

Tough times. But tougher for others. I spoke with the physio's. Their expectation is unachievable. Decisions are based on "performance indicators". They are doing their job, and they look impossibly young. The world is a young place, I guess.

 

[dobielvr]

@VaughanJB ....I hear you and understand.

 

[seadoug]

Firstly, thank you everyone.

As one might expect, I have a rather unconventional response.

I simply cannot prevent myself from analyzing every single detail, for looking behind words and opinions of family members for their desires, wishes, and ambitions. Motivations.

My mother is still with us. I visited yesterday. She will never walk again. I am battling with a sibling whose focus is on more than care. Meaning, financial concerns. Essentially, in the UK you can get home help for bedridden patients, but the cost is an assessment made of savings and income.

This is no problem for me, but for others, it's a problem. My perspective is simple - my mothers wealth (such as it is) is hers, and if it's all spent on her care, that is what it is. Others want to reduce costs to ensure everything is not eaten up by the cost of care. This is to the extent that some want to claim they can provide care themselves, so why pay others for it?

Which sounds good, but I'm the youngest, so everyone else is more elderly. It doesn't ring true. I might wish to provide 24/7 care, but the reality is that I'm unable to. In short, I have zero concern for what is left, only what it takes day by day.

My mother is now bedridden, but worse, her mind is going. She repeats questions over and over. She is confused. She is losing her history. She is vulnerable, moving into a world where history is made up of five minutes or less of memory.

I love her, but we are here after decades of actions. In over 4 decades (literally) she has never called me (by phone, letter, or electronically). This angers me. Looking now, I'm the only one who puts her first. Everyone else is self-interested in some way. But I feel removed.

Being the runt of the family, the black sheep, has its own price. My mother has become frail, both physically and mentally. She hangs on, not through any effort, but because it's what we do as humans. And I struggle to work through the real concern of others, and the mess of self interest. My brother calls me and looks for affirmation, but I can offer him none. My sister is oblivious.

Tough times. But tougher for others. I spoke with the physio's. Their expectation is unachievable. Decisions are based on "performance indicators". They are doing their job, and they look impossibly young. The world is a young place, I guess.

Thank you for updating us, and I would be disappointed if your response wasn't unconventional.

I completely agree with you on this. The payments for my mother's 2+ years in assisted living were eye-watering, but I felt she deserved the best possible life in her declining years so I was willing to make the sacrifice. As it turned out, the payments almost exactly equaled the money we received from selling her home. Would I have liked some of the proceeds, sure? Did I look it at as hers? Absolutely.

I'm sorry your mother has treated you so poorly, but your decisions regarding her life seem to be the correct ones. Ironic how these things work out.

 

[Lilac]

Vaughn, I went through what you are with my two brothers. I'm the youngest by 13 years & the second brother didn't have a clue. The oldest had all kinds of ideas on how to get "his due inheritance". I understand the chaos & the how you feel right now. The only thing I had going for me is that I was given financial, medical & everyday power of attorney 10-years prior to anything because the other two didn't want it. It's not easy, but stay strong. You are in my thoughts.

Long story short, after pre-planning Mom's funeral everything went for her care. There was no way I could keep her in a two story house with stars let alone physically handle her taking care of her needs. It took two nurses at the home who had the handicap facilities to do it. There are times the medically facilities are the best & safest places for them.

I agree with Seadoug that your decisions are correct.

 

[Dr.Colosso]

-

 

[OneEyedDiva]

Firstly, thank you everyone.

As one might expect, I have a rather unconventional response.

I simply cannot prevent myself from analyzing every single detail, for looking behind words and opinions of family members for their desires, wishes, and ambitions. Motivations.

My mother is still with us. I visited yesterday. She will never walk again. I am battling with a sibling whose focus is on more than care. Meaning, financial concerns. Essentially, in the UK you can get home help for bedridden patients, but the cost is an assessment made of savings and income.

This is no problem for me, but for others, it's a problem. My perspective is simple - my mothers wealth (such as it is) is hers, and if it's all spent on her care, that is what it is. Others want to reduce costs to ensure everything is not eaten up by the cost of care. This is to the extent that some want to claim they can provide care themselves, so why pay others for it?

Which sounds good, but I'm the youngest, so everyone else is more elderly. It doesn't ring true. I might wish to provide 24/7 care, but the reality is that I'm unable to. In short, I have zero concern for what is left, only what it takes day by day.

My mother is now bedridden, but worse, her mind is going. She repeats questions over and over. She is confused. She is losing her history. She is vulnerable, moving into a world where history is made up of five minutes or less of memory.

I love her, but we are here after decades of actions. In over 4 decades (literally) she has never called me (by phone, letter, or electronically). This angers me. Looking now, I'm the only one who puts her first. Everyone else is self-interested in some way. But I feel removed.

Being the runt of the family, the black sheep, has its own price. My mother has become frail, both physically and mentally. She hangs on, not through any effort, but because it's what we do as humans. And I struggle to work through the real concern of others, and the mess of self interest. My brother calls me and looks for affirmation, but I can offer him none. My sister is oblivious.

Tough times. But tougher for others. I spoke with the physio's. Their expectation is unachievable. Decisions are based on "performance indicators". They are doing their job, and they look impossibly young. The world is a young place, I guess.

I don't see it as conventional, but thoughtful. It's sad that your mother neglected you over the decades. Unfortunately, often it's the children and/or relatives one would think would be most likely to be there for the person who's health is failing. who are not. She may not have done right by you...but you doing right by her will save you the feelings of guilt that not doing so would surely bring. It is said that we forgive for ourselves, not for the other person. The weight of unforgiveness, bitterness and anger is very, very heavy.