Sometimes people just don't realize...

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MarciKS

SF VIP
I've had a friend tell me "you need to just stop that or just get over it." Sometimes things are just not that cut and dried. No matter how strong a person is...some people have hurts that dig deep and leave gaping inner wounds that take time to work through and heal. Health problems, deaths of loved ones, traumas of all sorts.

Simple things like dealing with work politics and trying to work with people who are openly mean just because. Dealing with traumas that reach clear back into a past marriage or even a childhood. Trauma of losing loved ones is the worst by far I believe. Being abused.

The pandemic has changed life enough that it has become stressful to deal with. We all know that. Some people just don't care. But for some of us our view of life and the world has been set askew. Failed marriages or friendships. Some people tolerate pain well. For others it is the undoing of their entire system of sanity.

For some of us we are going through the motions of daily life & trying to find healing. I have felt like an emotional zombie for the past couple years now. Mostly because our healthcare system is a real let down. The help I need from a really good psychiatrist would likely cost me a small fortune.

Too many of us have drs. shoving pills at us. Here take these. Instead of trying to work with us at getting to the root of the problem and helping us find ways to get through it and become whole and alive once again.

Nobody should ever be told that they don't have the right to grieve and deal with things on their own terms.
 

I will never forget the day my mother told me I needed to get over having a miscarriage. I lost a baby FGS! A baby I wasn't even supposed to get pregnant with to begin with.

The only chance I'd ever get at having a baby. Gone in a moment. I was 4 months along. The fetus wasn't but I was. It was a horrifying experience and saddened me greatly.

Although later on I discovered that God did what was best for both me and the baby because the father turned out to be a child molester. But still, I will never get to see her or hold her or anything ever.

If you'd like to share an experience please feel free. Sometimes talking about things helps.
 
Life is hard. Some of us are strong enough to manage it. Some of us have to work at it. And some of us end up institutionalized or suicidal. It is sad that some folks can't get the help they need. It is hard listening to their sadness. I have overheard patients that were hospitalized because they were suicidal or had already made the attempt.

I've overheard their stories and their cries and it is heartbreaking. Made me just wanna go in and hug them. Not everyone has people in their lives they can count on or things they can do to fix things. People need to be more aware and understanding.

We had a nurse at one of the hospitals I worked at once that took her own life. You never would've known from looking at her that she was in all that pain. The day I found out I remember crying later at home. I wish she would've reached out to someone.

We don't know what is going on behind the smiles and pleasantries sometimes. Many times the minute you say anything about your troubles your friends will make a bee line in the opposite direction. It's just awful sometimes.
 
I have a brother, and we could not be more unalike. Nothing matters to him, it seems. He just bulldozers through life, blaming "the other person" whomever, or whatever it is. Nothing sticks. Whereas I'm the proverbial rock collecting moss.

You know what, I'm glad I'm not him. Living a life where you don't feel anything is completely pointless. And everything can't be someone else's problem, can it!

In that sense, he'd appear to deal with life better than I do. But since he's mostly angry all the time and as I say, is so busy pushing everyone away there's barely time for a "good morning", I think I'm happy where I am.
 
@MarciKS, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you would have made the best decisions for your child. You would have kept that baby out of harms way. The loss of a child is one of the hardest things anyone can suffer. A miscarriage is just as painful when it is something that you want so badly and it is taken from you. I understand because we were told we could not have a child so my son is my miracle. I went that whole 9 months in fear something would go wrong and we would lose him.
 
helenbacque said:
There are some things we never get over, we simply have to get through them.
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I absolutely agree with you. I don’t think someone can decide to be resilient. I think it’s just something we either have or don’t. I also think the better childhood you have the easier it is to weather storms because you have a strong sense of self. None of this is under our control.

I am in awe of some of you whom have experienced horrific childhood trauma and still have done well in life. Mental illness also negatively impacts our lives and abilities to be resilient.
 
Honestly I don't know if my inner strength has come from God or the fact that I spent my lifetime in survival mode or both. I do know that an entire life of survival mode has definitely screwed me up permanently.

Once you end up spending that much time there and live in that kind of environment there's no going back or finding any hope of normalcy. Parents should be there to protect their children from this crap and not make matters worse by adding to it. But when they don't know how that's when it becomes the most dangerous for the well being of the child.

I am not completely crackers but I do know that I am not normal. How I see the world is totally screwed up compared to the way it should be. It affects every aspect of my adult life.
 
MarciKS said:
I will never forget the day my mother told me I needed to get over having a miscarriage. I lost a baby FGS!
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I have been told to get over every loss I've ever suffered. What was humorous was that sometimes it was from people who couldn't let go of their own losses.

People say stupid stuff when someone dies. A miscarriage is a death in my book. The Death of What Could Have Been.
 
Teacher Terry said:
I absolutely agree with you. I don’t think someone can decide to be resilient. I think it’s just something we either have or don’t. I also think the better childhood you have the easier it is to weather storms because you have a strong sense of self. None of this is under our control.
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I'd never want to make excuses, and I accept I must own my own mistakes. But I was 50 years old at least (decades after the event), thinking about why my first great love died (well, she left me), when I ran through things I'd said and done, and the light bulb finally went off. I had become my father. He'd taught me what a relationship was, what a marriage was, how you treated your partner - and IT WAS ALMOST ENTIRELY WRONG.

I'd seriously never questioned it, never. I carried myself as he did, thought as he did. This was a pivotal moment. It was when the door to my true self came ajar, and I was able to look into that strange room called "me" and see what was in there. I've been working on it ever since.

Never, ever, under-estimate what you learn or see as a child. Your mind is forming, and you can make lifelong decisions that are very very difficult to overcome in later life. You're often not even aware this is taking place, it just is.

I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had been aware of this much earlier. My father mistreated all us kids, and my mother let it go. In the end, as he was constantly going to hospital, I would go and sit with him for a few hours several times a week. I wanted him to apologize for what he'd done. I wanted him to discuss things. And I waited and waited, until eventually he passed. He never did talk about it or apologize, and I must accept that. He passed on what he'd learned, and so life goes.
 
You're right Marci. Some people don't have a clue. For some, unless they directly experience something, they just don't get it. They don't go beyond the surface. I've had very hurtful, harmful things happen to me, done by people I cared about and trusted. For some, it would have made them bitter, angry and even fearful. I've tried not to even go there. For some they were broken, for others they rose to great heights. It doesn't mean they still don't carry their pain.
 
It's interesting how many people have stuff happen to them and they claim to be fine but they're really not. They just don't wanna admit to having a weakness. Some people are just too stubborn to realize that they're having an issue no matter how much they deny it.

Denial is a bad thing when it comes to emotional issues. Things have to be dealt with when the person is ready to do so. I often wonder what happens to the ones who are unable to ever deal with what has happened to them? I always wonder if they're ok or if they have a difficult time every day.
 
MarciKS said:
It's interesting how many people have stuff happen to them and they claim to be fine but they're really not. They just don't wanna admit to having a weakness. Some people are just too stubborn to realize that they're having an issue no matter how much they deny it.

Denial is a bad thing when it comes to emotional issues. Things have to be dealt with when the person is ready to do so. I often wonder what happens to the ones who are unable to ever deal with what has happened to them? I always wonder if they're ok or if they have a difficult time every day.
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This is my one brother. Admittedly he says he has anger, is verbally abusive and then says (regarding our childhood) "I just want to remember the good times." It makes no sense.
 
I don't think denial is what I do. I just don't discuss it because unless someone is a psychiatrist or a person who has been through the same thing they don't understand it and sometimes don't even believe it. Then they give the old "get over it", blah, blah, blah and it does not help anything, just frustrates me more and sometimes makes me angry, so it is better for me to just keep it to myself. I know most people mean well but it is so easy for them to make it really, really worse.
 
DebraMae said:
I don't think denial is what I do. I just don't discuss it because unless someone is a psychiatrist or a person who has been through the same thing they don't understand it and sometimes don't even believe it. Then they give the old "get over it", blah, blah, blah and it does not help anything, just frustrates me more and sometimes makes me angry, so it is better for me to just keep it to myself. I know most people mean well but it is so easy for them to make it really, really worse.
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It's ok. Nobody here is saying you're in denial. :)
 
MarciKS said:
It's interesting how many people have stuff happen to them and they claim to be fine but they're really not. They just don't wanna admit to having a weakness. Some people are just too stubborn to realize that they're having an issue no matter how much they deny it.

Denial is a bad thing when it comes to emotional issues. Things have to be dealt with when the person is ready to do so. I often wonder what happens to the ones who are unable to ever deal with what has happened to them? I always wonder if they're ok or if they have a difficult time every day.
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I do this ALL THE TIME. It's a knee-jerk response. Like, you go to the doctors and they ask how you are, "Oh, I'm fine, I don't know why I'm bothering you with this......" It's damaging in terms of mental health not only because there's an element of denial, but because it can trick others and prevent you from getting necessary treatments.
 

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