SifuPhil
R.I.P. With Us In Spirit Only
- Location
- Pennsylvania, USA
I picked up a piece of software last night that I had hoped would teleport me into the 24th century - it's called Dragon Naturally Speaking and the first version had come out in 1997. This latest version is supposed to be the smartest of the bunch, and I had visions of being amongst the Star Trek crew, talking to my computer and having it carry out my will in a sexy female voice.
... right, and unicorns are grazing in my backyard.
Oh, I'm sure it works - it has thousands of satisfied customers. I'm just not one of them yet.
First you have to teach your Dragon English. You are given a choice of several scripts that you have to recite into your microphone. Problem #1: I don't have a microphone. I DO have a built-in mike on the laptop, though, so I figured I'd use that. You read the script into an audio file and the Dragon then learns from your speech.
Well, being that I like to think I'm humorous I chose a Dave Barry piece about "How Computers Work". I figured Dragon should learn early about my sense of humor. I started at 8:30pm last night and began in my best Shakespearean voice reading off the Barry script.
But it seemed to go on and on and on ... in fact, at about 10 minutes in I discovered it was a CHAPTER from one of his books.
At 20 minutes into my recital my eyes began to tear up from the small print. At 30 minutes, when I finally chose to call it a day, my nicotine-ravaged voice sounded like a cross between Gravel Gerty and Phyllis Diller. Dragon would just have to make-do.
Then it was the Dragon's turn. He (she?) had to listen to my speech and learn all the words, along with trying to decipher the various long inhales, sighs and coughs I was emitting as well as the car horns, dog farts and cat mewlings in the background.
I had a cup of coffee. Dragon was still working. Another cup. Still working. I perused the Cliff Notes on War and Peace.
Still working.
After 2 hours my Dragon finally finished, and proudly told me I was ready to go. I hit the button marked "Start Dragon", and my Dragon promptly froze up in mid-flight, burst into flames and crash-landed on the ground.
Nothing. "Your application has ended incorrectly. Would you like to scream, cry or close the program?" I chose the latter, although I was also indulging in the former.
I'm not done with the Dragon yet. Just this morning she started up nicely, but when I wanted to talk to her she rudely informed me that I don't have a microphone.
Stupid human.
