Spouse's Depression

fancicoffee13

fancicoffee13

Senior Member
Location
Texas
I don't know if anyone has heard of LAT. That is Living Apart Together. I never heard of that but we are doing exactly that. Along with his depression makes it difficult. So, I am trying very hard, and we had a talk yesterday and separation and divorce came up. Neither one of us wants a divorce, and life is easier while still together. However, facts are facts and they are undeniable. So, we will wait and see. Thanks goes to everyone who has weighed in and being so helpful. I love this forum.
 

fancicoffee13 said:
I don't know if anyone has heard of LAT. That is Living Apart Together. I never heard of that but we are doing exactly that. Along with his depression makes it difficult. So, I am trying very hard, and we had a talk yesterday and separation and divorce came up. Neither one of us wants a divorce, and life is easier while still together. However, facts are facts and they are undeniable. So, we will wait and see. Thanks goes to everyone who has weighed in and being so helpful. I love this forum.
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I said life is easier together, in the way of paying bills, financial issues.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
I said life is easier together, in the way of paying bills, financial issues.
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You're in a difficult position....hugs. I can see why you would choose to live together for financial reasons. I wish the best for you both, hope he can get some help for his depression, it would benefit both of you for sure.
 

Maybe it would help if you knew what was at the root of his depression. Was he checked for Parkinson’s, a known illness which is known to be at the start of depression? He may need to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to find out why he is depressed. Did he ever suffer from an addiction? Just too many reasons why your husband has developed this illness.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
I don't know if anyone has heard of LAT. That is Living Apart Together. I never heard of that but we are doing exactly that. Along with his depression makes it difficult. So, I am trying very hard, and we had a talk yesterday and separation and divorce came up. Neither one of us wants a divorce, and life is easier while still together. However, facts are facts and they are undeniable. So, we will wait and see. Thanks goes to everyone who has weighed in and being so helpful. I love this forum.
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Good grief. You're never really alone, are you. I was suffering through this tonight, and then I clicked on the forum and saw your post. My wife (of 25 years - but it's a long story) and I are, now, basically room mates. She went to look after her mother for a month or two, and it ended up being years. Then she came back home, and I was eager to get back together, only to find she's a different person. Perhaps *I'm* a different person, I don't know. But we're back together with..... well, a room mate mentality. We don't sleep together, I don't see much of her during the day (she lives in the bedroom) and we don't seem able to have a conversation, let along intimacy.

At first I was willing to try and figure out what worked for her, but increasingly I find myself withdrawing and holding on to my own needs and wants. We're just not jiving at all. What the hell happened?!?!? Living Apart Together completely describes it. I'd never ask her to leave. She can't ask me to leave (it's my place), but I just don't feel an emotional connection any longer, and don't see the point of our being together.

Divorce? I don't feel a desire for that. But I'm getting nothing from this at all. Answers? No idea............
 
I would only do that if I absolutely couldn’t financially make it on my own. I want peace in my remaining years and I don’t see how that’s possible living with someone that is difficult and depressed.
 
I certainly have heard of LAT and know a couple of people who did it, even after they were divorced. It was financially more feasible for both couples (or ex couples). Both of them were dating while in this arrangement...after all, they were no longer married. I've also heard it said that separate bedrooms help save a marriage. So do what you have to do to be at peace Fanci. It's good that you and your husband could at least talk about it.
 
When I got out of the mental ward several years ago, I was in such a shape my wife brought up divorce to offset the cost it would take care for me should her insurance not cover the cost of me living at home. Fortunately I got better and went on to secure employment and graduate from college. You never know about these things until they affect someone personally, your spouse may or may not recover from depression there is hope that he will..
First and foremost take care of yourself, learn about depression and other types of illnesses that may impact relationships, be open to the possibilities of difficult decisions that involve you as a couple.
 
VaughanJB said:
Good grief. You're never really alone, are you. I was suffering through this tonight, and then I clicked on the forum and saw your post. My wife (of 25 years - but it's a long story) and I are, now, basically room mates. She went to look after her mother for a month or two, and it ended up being years. Then she came back home, and I was eager to get back together, only to find she's a different person. Perhaps *I'm* a different person, I don't know. But we're back together with..... well, a room mate mentality. We don't sleep together, I don't see much of her during the day (she lives in the bedroom) and we don't seem able to have a conversation, let along intimacy.

At first I was willing to try and figure out what worked for her, but increasingly I find myself withdrawing and holding on to my own needs and wants. We're just not jiving at all. What the hell happened?!?!? Living Apart Together completely describes it. I'd never ask her to leave. She can't ask me to leave (it's my place), but I just don't feel an emotional connection any longer, and don't see the point of our being together.

Divorce? I don't feel a desire for that. But I'm getting nothing from this at all. Answers? No idea............
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Living Apart Together works for some people. I reached out for professional help and my insurance is covering it. That's a plus. NAMI is the name of it. You might google it. I also wondered what happened. His depression is blaming me for everying, and I mean everything. But, I still love him and we will work it out or we won't. I am sorry I don't have any answers, but in the end, it will work itself out. Or not.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
Living Apart Together works for some people. I reached out for professional help and my insurance is covering it. That's a plus. NAMI is the name of it. You might google it. I also wondered what happened. His depression is blaming me for everying, and I mean everything. But, I still love him and we will work it out or we won't. I am sorry I don't have any answers, but in the end, it will work itself out. Or not.
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Thanks for that. I've not opposed to some aspects of Living Apart Together. To be truthful, there are things I like to do, and prefer to do alone such as listening to music, so it would be hypocritical not to accept there are things she wants to do alone as well. We don't have to live in each others pocket.

On the other hand, a little intimacy would be good. In fact, a little effort put in to how one dresses would be a huge step forward, I just can't stand to see another pair of sweat pants! call me old fashioned, but I like my ladies as.... ladies. Put a dress on once in a while! Let's go out once in a while. Style your hair every now and again. I realize this will trigger some, but hey, I'm old!
 
Clinical depression is primarily a brain chemistry problem. Dealing with someone with clinical depression is not easy, never mind being married to one. Whatever your relationship is, it's functioning to provide creature comforts for both. I doubt your mate is capable of for filling all your emotional needs. Counselling, and groups can help. There are all kinds of issues, like guilt if you left him, but feeling trapped if you stay. And people, who have already gone through this, are a godsend.
 
Sorry for what you're going though, fanci; wish I could help. Unfortunately, I know, and have known--come from a long line in my family in fact--people that are living/lived their whole lives in this situation but really and truly cannot or couldn't afford at all to separate. Anyway, I hope things get better for you; you can always come here to vent; hugs.
 
VaughanJB said:
Good grief. You're never really alone, are you. I was suffering through this tonight, and then I clicked on the forum and saw your post. My wife (of 25 years - but it's a long story) and I are, now, basically room mates. She went to look after her mother for a month or two, and it ended up being years. Then she came back home, and I was eager to get back together, only to find she's a different person. Perhaps *I'm* a different person, I don't know. But we're back together with..... well, a room mate mentality. We don't sleep together, I don't see much of her during the day (she lives in the bedroom) and we don't seem able to have a conversation, let along intimacy.

At first I was willing to try and figure out what worked for her, but increasingly I find myself withdrawing and holding on to my own needs and wants. We're just not jiving at all. What the hell happened?!?!? Living Apart Together completely describes it. I'd never ask her to leave. She can't ask me to leave (it's my place), but I just don't feel an emotional connection any longer, and don't see the point of our being together.

Divorce? I don't feel a desire for that. But I'm getting nothing from this at all. Answers? No idea............
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Get a qualified marriage counselor. Without help from a third party, it is unlikely that your relationship will ever be good for both of you, or more likely either of you.
 
This is VERY common these days and one of the biggest groups getting divorced is what is being referred to a "grey divorce".
Many find the financial stability to just LAT ......
Counseling / Therapy etc only works if both parties want to do it ..........not jsut go through the motions about it

Example: my spouse it would be a waste of time and money to see him sit like a bobble head agreeing with suggestions he will NEVER try ... so ........ many of us resort to living around each other.... It is lonely and tiring and sometimes very frustrating ......... know others doing the same.
 
Jeni said:
This is VERY common these days and one of the biggest groups getting divorced is what is being referred to a "grey divorce".
Many find the financial stability to just LAT ......
Counseling / Therapy etc only works if both parties want to do it ..........not jsut go through the motions about it

Example: my spouse it would be a waste of time and money to see him sit like a bobble head agreeing with suggestions he will NEVER try ... so ........ many of us resort to living around each other.... It is lonely and tiring and sometimes very frustrating ......... know others doing the same.
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Yes, sometimes I think this may be why more and more young adults are choosing to not marry or even co-habitate.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
Living Apart Together works for some people. I reached out for professional help and my insurance is covering it. That's a plus. NAMI is the name of it. You might google it. I also wondered what happened. His depression is blaming me for everying, and I mean everything. But, I still love him and we will work it out or we won't. I am sorry I don't have any answers, but in the end, it will work itself out. Or not.
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That is what happened to us after a brief separation. Before, we were doing our own things in different rooms, eating at different times apart, and just living apart! When we came back together, it was back to doing things together and then it went back to the same thing before. So, we are separating for 8-12 months and then see what happens.
 
officerripley said:
Sorry for what you're going though, fanci; wish I could help. Unfortunately, I know, and have known--come from a long line in my family in fact--people that are living/lived their whole lives in this situation but really and truly cannot or couldn't afford at all to separate. Anyway, I hope things get better for you; you can always come here to vent; hugs.
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Thanks Officer, I do come here to vent and hear other input. But, sadly, it looks like we are not going to make it. I say that because, well, past is a good predictor of the future. I love him, and he loves me, but we are an odd couple.
 
Well, You are a lovely, intelligent woman and you have to think of your own happiness.
I'm sure your husband is a good man as well. He is just hurting right now.
No one knows better than you what you need in your life.
Perhaps this gives you both time and space to look at your lives from a different perspective.
Trust your instincts. Hope you can both find happiness.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
Thanks Officer, I do come here to vent and hear other input. But, sadly, it looks like we are not going to make it. I say that because, well, past is a good predictor of the future. I love him, and he loves me, but we are an odd couple.
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You're welcome. I'm so sorry it's not working out. I'm hoping for the very best for you, whatever that works out to be, hugs.
 
Gaer said:
Well, You are a lovely, intelligent woman and you have to think of your own happiness.
I'm sure your husband is a good man as well. He is just hurting right now.
No one knows better than you what you need in your life.
Perhaps this gives you both time and space to look at your lives from a different perspective.
Trust your instincts. Hope you can both find happiness.
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Thank you for the really nice and on point response.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
That is what happened to us after a brief separation. Before, we were doing our own things in different rooms, eating at different times apart, and just living apart! When we came back together, it was back to doing things together and then it went back to the same thing before. So, we are separating for 8-12 months and then see what happens.
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Whatever the outcome, I hope it works out for you both.
 
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