Staying friends with your ex-partner

bobcat

bobcat

Well-known Member
Location
Northern Calif
Assuming you have, what are your reasons?
Unresolved romantic desires (Lingering feelings), you still crave that emotional intimacy you had with them, child or children together, dampens the hurt of the heartbreak, no one knows you like they do, lots of history and good memories together, possible guilt, still trying to salvage something good from the relationship so it doesn't feel wasted?

Also, is it really a good idea because the temptation may draw you back in?
Does staying friends make it harder to move on?
If you remain close, and you meet someone else, will they understand this relationship with the ex?
 

I'm kinda friends with my ex husband... we have a daughter together.. I didn't see him for decades after he remarried and had more kids, and then I discovered he was living alone and his health is in a bad way and none of his previous wives ( there were 2 after me) were in the picture.. .. so I told him if he needed any help with anything just give me a shout...albeit he's the last person I should be helping due to our Back story ..and I have been helping for the last couple of years when he needs help..
 
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Thank goodness I remained friends with an ex: Because of him I met my husband and my ex was the instigator! Pushed me for months to meet him. When I finally did, hub had given up on me ever showing up so took a bath, tub being situated in kitchen. So, the first time I met my husband he was naked!

Glad ex & I remained friends and for his stick-to-itiveness!
 

hollydolly said:
I'm kinda friends with my ex husband... we have a daughter together.. I didn't see him for decades after he remarried and had more kids, and then I discovered he was living alone and his health is in a bad way and none of his previous wives ( there were 2 after me) were in the picture.. .. so I told him if he needed any help with anything just give me a shout...albeit he's the last person I should be helping due to out Back story ..and I have been helping for the last couple of years when he needs help..
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Yeah, I guess no matter what has happened in the past, you still care about that person. In many cases that never goes away.
 
bobcat48 said:
Yeah, I guess no matter what has happened in the past, you still care about that person. In many cases that never goes away.
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In all honesty I don't care about him... he did so many things in the past I can't forgive ... but I cannot watch someone I know be so ill ( Pancreatic cancer, and COPD).. and have no-one to help him... so I offered to do that... but in all honesty he really pushes my buttons because he's still a User .. regardless of his illness .. .. , but I've said nothing. I just do what I can for him while I can....my daughter ( his daughter, wants nothing to do with him..nor do any of his other kids)
 
Pepper said:
Thank goodness I remained friends with an ex: Because of him I met my husband and my ex was the instigator! Pushed me for months to meet him. When I finally did, hub had given up on me ever showing up so took a bath, tub being situated in kitchen. So, the first time I met my husband he was naked!

Glad ex & I remained friends and for his stick-to-itiveness!
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Interesting that your ex set you up with someone else. You don't see that very often.
 
hollydolly said:
In all hoesty I don't care about him... he did so many things I can't forgive ... but I cannot watch someone I know be so ill ( Pancreatic cancer, and COPD).. and have no-one to help him... so I offered to do that... but in all honesty he really pushes my buttons because he's still a User .. regardless of his illness .. .. , but I've said nothing. I just do what I can for him while I can....my daughter ( his daughter, wants nothing to do with him..nor do any of his other kids)
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Well, if nothing else, it says a lot about the caring heart you have, even for someone that doesn't deserve your kindness. You are a true humanitarian.
 
hollydolly said:
In all honesty I don't care about him... he did so many things in the past I can't forgive ... but I cannot watch someone I know be so ill ( Pancreatic cancer, and COPD).. and have no-one to help him... so I offered to do that... but in all honesty he really pushes my buttons because he's still a User .. regardless of his illness .. .. , but I've said nothing. I just do what I can for him while I can....my daughter ( his daughter, wants nothing to do with him..nor do any of his other kids)
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You are a far better person than me. After putting him through college and then the girlfriends, I have no desire to see him again. His second wife had the money he desired so it was ironic when she died - he got her house and money but neither one of us.
 
Happy Heart said:
You are a far better person than me. After putting him through college and then the girlfriends, I have no desire to see him again. His second wife had the money he desired so it was ironic when she died - he got her house and money but neither one of us.
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oddly my ex husband is still married to the wife he wed after me.. even tho' he left her 20 years ago.. but he's been too lazy to seek a divorce. However it means that despite never paying a penny in maintenance to my daughter while she was growing up.. and raising this other wife's children by someone else. then going onto have a 3rd common law wife and another child.. . all his worldy goods will go to that second wife. ..and not his first born child with me
 
bobcat48 said:
Assuming you have, what are your reasons?
Unresolved romantic desires (Lingering feelings), you still crave that emotional intimacy you had with them, child or children together, dampens the hurt of the heartbreak, no one knows you like they do, lots of history and good memories together, possible guilt, still trying to salvage something good from the relationship so it doesn't feel wasted?

Also, is it really a good idea because the temptation may draw you back in?
Does staying friends make it harder to move on?
If you remain close, and you meet someone else, will they understand this relationship with the ex?
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No. A clean break is vital. I know of someone who cannot let go of his ex and it is extremely damaging to his new relationship. No woman can stand for an ex hanging around - I wouldn't for a second.
 
hollydolly said:
oddly my ex husband is still married to the wife he wed after me.. even tho' he left her 20 years ago.. but he's been too lazy to seek a divorce. However it means that despite never paying a penny in maintenance to my daughter while she was growing up.. and raising this other wife's children by someone else. then going onto have a 3rd common law wife and another child.. . all his worldy goods will go to that second wife. ..and not his first born child with me
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Interesting (But sad) that he left his second wife 20 years ago, shacked up with another, and yet still feels some obligation to his second wife, and children that aren't his, and no obligation to his first child. That's messed up.
 
hollydolly said:
In all honesty I don't care about him... he did so many things in the past I can't forgive ... but I cannot watch someone I know be so ill ( Pancreatic cancer, and COPD).. and have no-one to help him... so I offered to do that... but in all honesty he really pushes my buttons because he's still a User .. regardless of his illness .. .. , but I've said nothing. I just do what I can for him while I can....my daughter ( his daughter, wants nothing to do with him..nor do any of his other kids)
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You are a truly wonderful woman.
 
Had not heard from my ex-wife in years then one day she contacted me. Breakup was mostly my fault, I was young and stupid.

After that first contact we have become friends, or maybe just rekindled the original friendship. She stops by once and year or so, usually with one of her kids. I always enjoy the visits. Nothing romantic, no rekindling that, but it is good to have her friendship. Don't know why it wouldn't be, if you once loved a person enough to get married why wouldn't the reasons for that last?
 
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Husband #1 and I remained friends after our divorce - 1 daughter and 2 sons between us. He encouraged the children to further their education and paid their university expenses. I think we both realize that the children will be hurt with the fighting/criticism and put aside our feelings "for the greater good. ( LOLOL)

We do "catch up" about every 6 months - he lives in Alberta, I am in British Columbia)
 
bobcat48 said:
Interesting (But sad) that he left his second wife 20 years ago, shacked up with another, and yet still feels some obligation to his second wife, and children that aren't his, and no obligation to his first child. That's messed up.
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he doesn't feel any obligation to her at all.. nor to those children... but despite going onto have another child by another woman he was always too lazy and too mean too pay for a divorce.. now he's poorly he just doesn't have the energy or inclination to do it.. . I've told him it's just a matter of signing a few papers now.. no fault divorces etc.. but nope..just too mean to pay...
 
Alligatorob said:
Had not heard from my ex-wife in years then one day she contacted me. Breakup was mostly my fault, I was young and stupid.

After that first contact we have become friends, or maybe just rekindled the original friendship. She stops by once and year or so, usually with one of her kids. I always enjoy the visits. Nothing romantic, no rekindling, but it is good to have her friendship. Don't know why it wouldn't be, if you once loved a person enough to get married why wouldn't the reasons for that last?
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I suppose if there is a bitter divorce or infidelity or abandonment, that some may not be able to put it behind them enough to be friends. Some are able to after enough years have passed, and the hurt has subsided, but not all.
 
hollydolly said:
he doesn't feel any obligation to her at all.. nor to those children... but despite going onto have another child by another woman he was always too lazy and too mean too pay for a divorce.. now he's poorly he just doesn't have the energy or inclination to do it.. . I've told him it's just a matter of signing a few papers now.. no fault divorces etc.. but nope..just too mean to pay...
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Well, I hope your daughter has been able to put this in some sort of perspective that hasn't scarred her for life. I think it can be extremely difficult for a child who has resentments and bitterness toward a parent. Hopefully she understands that it isn't her that he rejected, but it's just the type of person that he is. Every child wants to admire their parent, and it can be crushing to realize that they are a horrible and selfish person. I think her admiration for you will be her saving grace.
 
Not that it matters for the purpose of this thread.. but I notice for some reason I've written pancreatic cancer when in fact he has Prostate cancer... just wanted to put that right...
 

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