Surviving Loneliness help/aid

Inept

Inept

Senior Member
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Surviving Loneliness

I assume most of us have experienced loneliness do to divorce or the death of a spouse. I also assume that most have found a way to cope, to survive, to get through it and be happy again. Let’s see a link of “how to” videos to help make it happen. 🥸
 

Loneliness. A topic I know much about. But why share it with you when you always ignore what I have to say?

I will share. Not exactly now. Just wanted to get my thought about you out there.

🎵 For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.🎶
 
Although I have taught death and dying, nothing prepared me for the death of my family. The family I had created and sustained for over 30 years, through everything, things I did not want to go through. The grief of the lost hope that my DH was not the untrustworthy (to put it mildly) person I had handed my heart to back in 1984. I could have taken anything, but to see him destroy the family life of all four of my children was worse than seeing a death. The kids live on and I watch them suffer, I grieve every family event that no longer exists. I built memorable Christmases, holidays, birthdays they could all remember with joy - and he was always gone and working and didn't need to be.

Then he crossed a boundary I told warned him clearly of, before I accepted an engagement ring from him : that because I had been sexually abused from the time I was 9 to 17, I would literally kill him if he ever touched my daughter who was 9 when we married. He promised me he never would. A small voice inside me had doubt, but I just thought I was imagining due to my abuse history.

I could have taken ANYTHING but for him to sexually abuse my daughter.

The grief of him destroying my family and knowing he did this to my daughter killed and still does kill me inside, deeply.

I have spent YEARS trying to control myself, controlling the anger. It killed my family completely.
 
Inept said:
Yes, we think it is our imagination. We hope it is our imagination. We believe it is our imagination.

I know.

Does it end? Can we trust again?
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Hate to tell you this but I didn't trust before....then I did and look where it took me!
BUT I did it again....with new DH. I am just not a quitter or stupid I guess.
But I waited until all my kids GONE from home, too.

A question my DH asked me ONLY six months into our relationship: "WHY don't you TRUST me??!" when I was questioning him once again about whatever.

Now, ten YEARS into our marriage, he knows I still do not trust any man. I have seen to much of real life, the wrong part.

I don't think I will ever trust again. Anybody. Maybe part of my grief is not just for my dead family but also my bit of trust I had before the ex DH RUINED it so completely. My faith in humanity disappeared, too.

My mom ditched me and my older sister at age 3 and 6... if you recall any other of my posts regarding such.

Is lonely being untrusting of anyone, but it is better than being hurt to the core ever again - by anyone.

Is why I came to God. He is my friend, always. DH has part of me but not all and he probably never will. He hates my ex DH.
 
Inept said:
I feel the same.

I wonder if that's true.
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Well, I keep jumping :ROFLMAO: 😁 and the last ten years has been worth the jump. I just feel bad for my DH because I think he just wants 100% trust from me, from a deep level. And I don't have it to give anymore. He says, "It is OK...it isn't your fault and I love you anyway...".
It makes be feel less lonely most of the time to know he loves me despite my inability to trust 100% with all my heart and soul.

I think in some aspects my trust is building...but it is very s l o w and rather like 1 step forward three back.

Funny trust story:

I gave DH this cute little Christmas ornament, a little wood cabin with a tiny light inside our first Christmas after we'd met in January of 2014.

Three years later, I was setting up the tree and was pulling ornaments out, most were his...saved over 20 years and three marriages.
I held up this one ornament and asked him in a not very trusting voice: "And who gave you this one??".

He came and looked at it, and said: "You did...I think it was our first Christmas together!" :ROFLMAO::oops::giggle: I had forgotten about it!

He proceeded to then go through all those ornaments...and tossed all the "before me" ornaments! It was great. :ROFLMAO: He was trying to make me trust him more and show his love held no bounds.
 
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
Although I have taught death and dying, nothing prepared me for the death of my family. The family I had created and sustained for over 30 years, through everything, things I did not want to go through. The grief of the lost hope that my DH was not the untrustworthy (to put it mildly) person I had handed my heart to back in 1984. I could have taken anything, but to see him destroy the family life of all four of my children was worse than seeing a death. The kids live on and I watch them suffer, I grieve every family event that no longer exists. I built memorable Christmases, holidays, birthdays they could all remember with joy - and he was always gone and working and didn't need to be.

Then he crossed a boundary I told warned him clearly of, before I accepted an engagement ring from him : that because I had been sexually abused from the time I was 9 to 17, I would literally kill him if he ever touched my daughter who was 9 when we married. He promised me he never would. A small voice inside me had doubt, but I just thought I was imagining due to my abuse history.

I could have taken ANYTHING but for him to sexually abuse my daughter.

The grief of him destroying my family and knowing he did this to my daughter killed and still does kill me inside, deeply.

I have spent YEARS trying to control myself, controlling the anger. It killed my family completely.
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My heart breaks hearing the hell on earth you and your daughter have endured.
Heroically sharing this with us all hopefully will help you deal with it.independ.jpeg
 
Work at trying not to be bitter. Anger is one thing, but bitterness is a poor me state of mind.

Bitter people feel that they have been hurt, misused and abused. The hurt may have been intentional, unintentional, imagined. When a bitter person is hurt, and he or she doesn't deal with the problem, it is internalized. He begins to dwell on it; she begins to mull it over and over, and over again.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?
  • Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences.
  • Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present.
  • Become depressed, irritable or anxious.
  • Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
  • Lose valuable and enriching connections with others.
Traits of a bitter personality
  • Resentment: Holding onto anger and resentment towards others who have wronged them

  • Cynicism: Viewing the world through a jaundiced eye, avoiding opportunities and relationships

  • Fear: Fear of vulnerability and being hurt again

  • Isolation: Withdrawing from others who hurt them and building walls to protect themselves from further pain

  • Negative self-talk: Engaging in negative self-talk and self-pity

  • Difficulty finding joy: Having difficulty finding joy or happiness in life

  • Desire for revenge: Having a desire for revenge or to make others suffer

Impact of bitterness
Bitterness can impact a person's interpersonal relationships, making it hard for friends, spouses, and coworkers to be around them
 
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
...... I just feel bad for my DH because I think he just wants 100% trust from me, from a deep level. And I don't have it to give anymore.
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I understand both points of view.
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
He says, "It is OK...it isn't your fault and I love you anyway...".
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I am guessing your X (the bad one) said the same thing.
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
It makes be feel less lonely most of the time to know he loves me despite my inability to trust 100% with all my heart and soul.
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That makes sense.
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
..... I was setting up the tree and was pulling ornaments out, most were his...saved over 20 years and three marriages.
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That seems very strange to me unless they were "good" relationships.
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
He proceeded to then go through all those ornaments...and tossed all the "before me" ornaments!
Click to expand...
It isn't my business to judge but I don't see the good in that for several reasons. I will only say what those reasons are if you ask me.
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
It was great. He was trying to make me trust him more and show his love held no bounds.
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:unsure: Again, it's not my business to judge .......
 
Inept said:
...
I am guessing your X (the bad one) said the same thing.
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Guessed wrong.
Inept said:
That seems very strange to me unless they were "good" relationships.
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This DH had older depression era parents and he saves everything, probably influenced by parents.
Inept said:
It isn't my business to judge but I don't see the good in that for several reasons. I will only say what those reasons are if you ask me.
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We can all have notions based on our own perspective.
Inept said:
:unsure: Again, it's not my business to judge .......
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I have lived and survived my life long enough to be able to honestly say no one judges me without my permission.
 
@OregonGuy
You said: "Heroically sharing this with us all hopefully will help you deal with it".
Not sure there is any way to deal with some things life hands us.
God and I had a come to Jesus meeting, the year I turned 60. Amazing experience.

Seventeen years before my final divorce from Nightmare DH and during the first 13 years of my life experiences "recovery" work (2010-2023) there were more times than I can count where I just wanted to literally die.

I fought suicide thoughts - and won so far simply due to the legacy I know it would leave my four children and I do NOT want me to be an example of giving in to pure evil I have faced in this world. They need to be strong and if I have to keep experiencing all these freaking nightmares I have every night for the rest of my life..so be it.

But just writing what I wrote, which earlier, you responded so kindly to?
Last night, I was unable to sleep more than two hours as I woke up due to a nightmare.
Evil was tapping at my door.

But I will not let it in. Ever.
 
Inept said:
I thought you said he knew about your past and gave you the idea everything would be alright.
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Nightmare DH had been warned I would "Kill him if he touched my daughter".
I think you got my NEW DH sentiment about me not trusting him (new DH) mixed up with Nightmare DH.

@Inept you said "It wasn't you I was thinking about."
So you were making the judging statement about my present DH tossing his ornaments? His motivation perhaps?
 
I lost two wives and a financee, siblings and friends. I grieve for a few minutes and move on. I know spending too much time in grief is counter productive and even dangerous. Loneliness really isn't an issue, I'll get bored before I get lonely. I try to keep a positive attitude though everything and keep busy.
 
@Inept you said "It wasn't you I was thinking about."

Sorry I thought you were referring to me.
That is a trait I have and another person said that to me once: "IT isn't ALL about YOU".
I apologize if I come across as self absorbed at times; it really turns people off and I know it.
I apologize for being hyper-analytical of other people's actions and words, everything, all details.

Both appearing self centered (aka self absorbed) as well as analyzing literally everything every minute are both traits (among several others) of complex PTSD sufferers, I am told.

Dr. Kumet, MD, aka my doc explained to me:

"It is from years of building your survival skills from the time you were 3 when you experienced being abandoned my your mother, as that is the ultimate betrayal of trust a baby is born with. You have developed the ability to actively look or scan continually for motivations in others and in all situations, constantly checking and rechecking as it relates to harm or hurt others could cause you. Hypervigilence at its finest is what you have. We all try to avoid more harm or pain by using what defenses we can build to be stronger to survive life.....but you could say you have a PHD in analyzing and are an expert at it but it drives other people crazy examining crap over and over..".
 
Inept said:
No, I haven't mixed them up.
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Are you referring to this when I was speaking of Nightmare DH: "that because I had been sexually abused from the time I was 9 to 17, I would literally kill him if he ever touched my daughter who was 9 when we married".
I didn't have nearly the PTSD and in fact had been in some counseling for it, before I married Nightmare DH, so there was nothing he had to put up with about my past distrusts being over the top. Once Nightmare did what he did, the distrust really went off the charts.
Inept said:
I'm keeping my nose out of it.
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:cool:
 
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
@Inept you said "It wasn't you I was thinking about."

Sorry I thought you were referring to me.
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No problem.
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
I apologize if I come across as self absorbed .....
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Not self absorbed.
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
I apologize for being hyper-analytical of other people's actions and words, everything, all details.
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When we have been done wrong and our most intimate thoughts have been betrayed & ravaged I feel no one is above suspicion any longer. If someone says, "I love you" but cheats behind your back it is easy to disbelieve the next person who says, "I love you." The same goes for liars. If someone says they are innocent of a crime they committed then why should we believe them when they say, "It's four-thirty"?
 

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