Taking advantage of a friend, (or friendship), are we all guilty?

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
I have a friend, not a "close friend" in the sense you might be thinking, but someone I've known for over twenty five years, where the balance of who does most for the other, is almost 100% in my favour, (definitely over 75%!).

I know I could be fairly criticised for this, but in my defence I do try to do "favours" back again, meaning try to encourage other friends of mine in the area where I used to live, to all meet up with said person, and I've offered to foot the bill for a meal etc.

Anyway, this idea hasn't yielded results, not recent!y, or since the pandemic anyway, and in my "do gooder" approach I do believe this friend is seriously limiting their social circle, or even becoming antisocial, (though work provides the opportunity for social contact obviously, and they've got family and extended family to enjoy the company of of course).

I have to throw in too, that when becoming defensive about a comment or two I made.

I'd suggested my friend needed to consider whether they truly needed a partner who would be compliant to their wishes, "or stand up to them", perhaps indicating just how bossy this person can be, (or is, to the extent you feel like youre being treated like a schoolboy very often), and yet there is such a warmhearted decent person underneath the tough exterior.

It is true too, that when challenged in this way a reaction was to exclaim "so and so is not my friend, they and their partner are your friends, and I don't expect to be asked more than once whether I wish to see them.

They went on to suggest this couple aren't even true friends to me, trying to undermine me a little, and I believe wrongly, because said couple " put up with me remarkably well I'd say, (and when I ring them, they always find time for me!).

There we are, a thread about "abusing a friendship", but maybe too about modern life, someone whose husband left twenty years ago, and they've worked hard to keep down a job and raise a family etc., in " equality Britain",(something they believe in), while endeavouring to keep up appearances as required by anyone working in as tough a profession as teaching is today!
 
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Shortly after my daughter died I was approached by someone I knew who first appeared to care, only to find rather quickly she only wanted me to do something for her. She was trying to make a dress for her grand daughter and found it to be too time consuming for her. She wondered if I could "help" her finish it.

Shortly after my husband died another "friend" kept inviting me to lunch. During the second invite she complained about her brother-in-law. Seemed that since his wife died, he was always hanging around their place The guy was lonely and needed someone else's company. Someone beside her and her husband you see.

I knew both of these people. They both invited me out on dates first. Neither gave a thought about what I was going through and both disappeared when they saw I was useless to them. So yeah I've become pretty antisocial too.
 
Judycat said:
Shortly after my daughter died I was approached by someone I knew who first appeared to care, only to find rather quickly she only wanted me to do something for her. She was trying to make a dress for her grand daughter and found it to be too time consuming for her. She wondered if I could "help" her finish it.
Shortly after my husband died another "friend" kept inviting me to lunch. During the second invite she complained about her brother-in-law. Seemed that since his wife died, he was always hanging around their place The guy was lonely and needed someone else's company. Someone beside her and her husband you see.

I knew both of these people. They both invited me out on dates first. Neither gave a thought about what I was going through and both disappeared when they saw I was useless to them. So yeah I've become pretty antisocial too.
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Do you think some of those people "looking for your assistance", thought they were helping you in the process?

I had a very old neighbour when I married called Mrs Cools", (spelt differently I'd guess, "Cules maybe" and I never remembered her first name).

She said her neighbours tried to avoid asking her about her husband after he died, but she wanted to talk about him, so their well meaning approach was the wrong one!

I'm sorry to hear of your sad losses obviously, but guess I'd be as guilty as anyone of not knowing what to say or do should I have been your neighbour, (probably babble on incessantly in a very unhelpful manner unfortunately!).
 
A “friend in need”…can be a royal pest! I have helped friends and peripheral family members move a number of times. Yessir, nothing like moving heavy pieces of furniture up staircases!
 
grahamg said:
I have a friend, not a "close friend" in the sense you might be thinking, but someone I've known for over twenty five years, where the balance of who does most for the other, is almost 100% in my favour, (definitely over 75%!).

I know I could be fairly criticised for this, but in my defence I do try to do "favours" back again, meaning try to encourage other friends of mine in the area where I used to live, to all meet up with said person, and I've offered to foot the bill for a meal etc.

Anyway, this idea hasn't yielded results, not recent!y, or since the pandemic anyway, and in my "do gooder" approach I do believe this friend is seriously limiting their social circle, or even becoming antisocial, (though work provides the opportunity for social contact obviously, and they've got family and extended family to enjoy the company of of course).

I have to throw in too, that when becoming defensive about a comment or two I made.

I'd suggested my friend needed to consider whether they truly needed a partner who would be compliant to their wishes, "or stand up to them", perhaps indicating just how bossy this person can be, (or is, to the extent you feel like youre being treated like a schoolboy very often), and yet there is such a warmhearted decent person underneath the tough exterior.

It is true too, that when challenged in this way a reaction was to exclaim "so and so is not my friend, they and their partner are your friends, and I don't expect to be asked more than once whether I wish to see them.

They went on to suggest this couple aren't even true friends to me, trying to undermine me a little, and I believe wrongly, because said couple " put up with me remarkably well I'd say, (and when I ring them, they always find time for me!).

There we are, a thread about "abusing a friendship", but maybe too about modern life, someone whose husband left twenty years ago, and they've worked hard to keep down a job and raise a family etc., in " equality Britain",(something they believe in), while endeavouring to keep up appearances as required by anyone working in as tough a profession as teaching is today!
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Personally, I think that any interaction of friendship or fellowship is worthwhile and should be protected and nurtured.

Everyone is flawed. Everyone is limited. Everyone has a realm of selfishness inside that is not always noticeable.

Sometimes you have to compartmentalize a friendship....keep it in areas where it is healthy and just avoid the areas where it is not healthy...without ending the interaction altogether.

It is very easy to misread people.

At the dinner table, my grandmother used to reach across people and get the plate of food she wanted. Obviously, incredibly rude behavior. But the actual reality was the opposite. My grandmother so hated bothering other people, she could not bring herself to ask others to help her. So, in her mind, she was just saving other people the bother. Weird, right? But people have all sorts of things like that going on in their personality.

Then, a big one we all misread...is the ornery nature of others. Many, many ornery people are either people in a great deal of physical pain (but never mentioning it), or people who truly were viciously abused as children.

So, the general prescriptive is to really be as caring as you can muster, to everyone. With a few exceptions. But the opposite way of looking at things...to "surgically excise" people from our lives? I don't think any of that is wise.

I am a fan of getting into therapy. Just helps. Brainstorming. Throw ideas back and forth. Gives some clarity.
 
grahamg said:
Do you think some of those people "looking for your assistance", thought they were helping you in the process?

I had a very old neighbour when I married called Mrs Cools", (spelt differently I'd guess, "Cules maybe" and I never remembered her first name).

She said her neighbours tried to avoid asking her about her husband after he died, but she wanted to talk about him, so their well meaning approach was the wrong one!

I'm sorry to hear of your sad losses obviously, but guess I'd be as guilty as anyone of not knowing what to say or do should I have been your neighbour, (probably babble on incessantly in a very unhelpful manner unfortunately!).
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A simple, I'm sorry, was more help than being forced to act normal after the sudden death of my loved ones. I was a zombie for several years during that time. I could barely get it together enough to care for myself, let alone make a dress or begin a new relationship.

These people were adults who were only interested in looking for a way to make their own lives easier. They found my grief to be too much of an obstacle and soon moved on to someone more pliable.

I don't feel one way or the other about them as people. They thought they were being nice and expected me to reward them for it. I was just relieved when they finally let me alone.
 
I don't have any more "close friends"....they have all passed on. I keep a cordial relationship with some of the nearby neighbors...just friendly chats, but that's about it. I just try to keep the immediate family close, and that suffices. I can't recall any instances where my friends tried to take advantage of me, and hopefully I never did anything to upset them.
 
Don M. said:
I don't have any more "close friends"....they have all passed on. I keep a cordial relationship with some of the nearby neighbors...just friendly chats, but that's about it. I just try to keep the immediate family close, and that suffices. I can't recall any instances where my friends tried to take advantage of me, and hopefully I never did anything to upset them.
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Exactly the same for us. One of the reasons we moved to a regular neighborhood instead of a retirement community was the reality of death of older people. Now we have neighbors that say hello & sometimes need help with minor home repair.
 
Super confusing pronouns! Maybe use a fictitious names for the--at least what I think is three-- three people ...the individual and the couple and repost???
 
JonSR77 said:
Personally, I think that any interaction of friendship or fellowship is worthwhile and should be protected and nurtured.

Everyone is flawed. Everyone is limited. Everyone has a realm of selfishness inside that is not always noticeable.

Sometimes you have to compartmentalize a friendship....keep it in areas where it is healthy and just avoid the areas where it is not healthy...without ending the interaction altogether.

It is very easy to misread people.

At the dinner table, my grandmother used to reach across people and get the plate of food she wanted. Obviously, incredibly rude behavior. But the actual reality was the opposite. My grandmother so hated bothering other people, she could not bring herself to ask others to help her. So, in her mind, she was just saving other people the bother. Weird, right? But people have all sorts of things like that going on in their personality.

Then, a big one we all misread...is the ornery nature of others. Many, many ornery people are either people in a great deal of physical pain (but never mentioning it), or people who truly were viciously abused as children.

So, the general prescriptive is to really be as caring as you can muster, to everyone. With a few exceptions. But the opposite way of looking at things...to "surgically excise" people from our lives? I don't think any of that is wise.

I am a fan of getting into therapy. Just helps. Brainstorming. Throw ideas back and forth. Gives some clarity.
Click to expand...
Sometimes friendship becomes too much of a struggle to maintain, and I get tired of hearing how great socializing with other people is. Did the therapy thing too, at least I didn't hurt anybody while attending those appointments. Some people were quite free with the insults. I was taught you must always be nice to others. Blah what a pile of doo-doo. It is more like, you must show others where your boundaries are. Lonely? No. In control? Yes. (y)
 
Judycat said:
Sometimes friendship becomes too much of a struggle to maintain, and I get tired of hearing how great socializing with other people is. Did the therapy thing too, at least I didn't hurt anybody while attending those appointments. Some people were quite free with the insults. I was taught you must always be nice to others. Blah what a pile of doo-doo. It is more like, you must show others where your boundaries are. Lonely? No. In control? Yes. (y)
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About "boundaries" did I mention on this thread earlier I raised the issue with my friend, "What kind of partner they might need to consider they need, should they be considering looking for one, someone who is compliant to their wishes, or someone more likely to stand up to them"?(!)

Inherent in that question is the suggestion they might just be a little bossy, (or I think so anyway, and feel said friend is very bossy sometimes, hence you'd have thought "hard to live with at times"!).

None of us probably like our " boundaries" being encroached, I'd say I feel I have few enough friends in this world, so the person mentioned in the OP, (who I'm now describing as bossy), chose to challenge me as to whether people I consider as "friends" truly do think of me as being their friend(?).

I think they were being unfair doing this, and a bit ridiculous (how can they consider themselves to know what others might think of me, or how they react when i speak to them on the telephone or call round), though I will admit I'm probably a "pain" to them as well as probably everyone else I know very often, going on about this or that as I do! :)
 
I have several very good friends and have never once taken advantage of them nor have I felt like they were doing that to me. All live in different parts of the US. I see one monthly when we meet for lunch (she lives 30 min away) and the others I either talk to on the phone, FaceTime with them or arrange to try to meet in person if we can afford the flights or if I can make the drive.
 
I have several close friends and I try to do as much for them as they do for me. It is usually 50/50. I would never ask more from a friend that I would do in return.

I learned what not to do from my mother. When I was growing up, she would "use" friends and just expected them to keep on giving. Later in life, when living in a 55+ community she was close with a couple that would take her on errands with them because she didn't drive. They were in worse shape physically than she was. I reached out to them on one occasion and they told me they just couldn't do it anymore. Her other friend, a widow, stopped responding to her due to her dependence. I hired a retired nurse to take her on errands.

I would never just take for granted that a friend owed me anything. The fact that they offer their friendship is enough.
 
I accept I'm being "naughty" here okay, (you two paragons of virtue!), but "needs must when the devil drives" comes into play here, for reasons I won't go into for fear of derailing the thread. :). !
 
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