The fourth stage

Vedaarya

Vedaarya

Member
Location
Poland
The third stage of my life lasted a few years. It was filled with grief over loss of my husband who was also my best friend, and hard voluntary work. It finished on a sunny spring day when I woke up and felt like doing something specifically for myself. I went shopping for clothes and splashed out.first time in years. The fourth stage started. I had to identify my needs and my wishes anew to live and not merely exist.And I've done it. I intend to celebrate life and wok hard and first steps have been made.
 

Good for you. I don't believe we should waste the last precious years doing things out of habit. This is the time to be true to ourselves and search out that which is most meaningful and satisfying to our own nature.
 
That's wonderful that you have survived that third stage and are now thriving. :)
 

And how wonderful that the day comes when you know without a doubt you're ready for the next stage. So often we're told we must rush things that are painful, but again and again we learn there's a time for everything. I'm happy to hear that you're here to share how your fourth stage is going.
 
Thanks folks for your kind comments. From my experience, I can tell that the wound, which bereavement leaves, must heal completely to allow somebody deprived of the beloved normal life. How long it takes? I think, it depends on the individual and the kind of the relation with the deceased person. I'm grateful to my sons for being supportive and understanding, although I know, they worried about me. Now they seem relieved that their old mum is back. My husband will always be with me in my heart and thoughts and I know, he would approve of the decision I made for the sake of our children, granddaughters and myself. There is one thing that hurts. The people I had always supported and regarded close friends didn't show much support in those difficult for me times. They soon got impatient and discouraged by my sorrow. Seemingly the process took too long for them.
 
Sorry about your friends and the lack of support, Vedaarya. Most of us are very uncomfortable around grief and don't know what to say to people to help. I never know what to say or do to help, but I think just being with the person and letting them talk is really what they need most.
 
Vedaarya said:
Thanks folks for your kind comments. From my experience, I can tell that the wound, which bereavement leaves, must heal completely to allow somebody deprived of the beloved normal life. How long it takes? I think, it depends on the individual and the kind of the relation with the deceased person. I'm grateful to my sons for being supportive and understanding, although I know, they worried about me. Now they seem relieved that their old mum is back. My husband will always be with me in my heart and thoughts and I know, he would approve of the decision I made for the sake of our children, granddaughters and myself. There is one thing that hurts. The people I had always supported and regarded close friends didn't show much support in those difficult for me times. They soon got impatient and discouraged by my sorrow. Seemingly the process took too long for them.
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Grief takes as long as it takes, you can't rush it or push through it to appease friends or family. Some refer to that stage four as acceptance, which is when we are able to move forward with our lives. I'm not sure we ever get over it but we do get used to it. Glad things are improving for you and that your family has been supportive. Stay positive!
 
Thank you, Carla, for your kindness and understanding. Today I've been to the cemetery, where the graves of my late relatives and friends are, to tidy them for the All Saint's Day (November, the first), the day when all families come and decorate graves with flowers and light candles. As usual, I stopped at the grave of my late American friend, Bill Aylor, who came to my town as a Peace Corps volunteer in the early 1990s to teach English in schools.I got to know him at a social meeting at my Australian friend's for whom I worked as an interpreter at that time. Bill felt happy here and decided to settle down - first get married and get Polish citizenship. He was in his mid sixties then and suffered from high blood pressure and circulatory problems. Unfortunately, he died suddenly of stroke. He was mourn by his Polish friends and students who loved him and respected him. Every year, there are lots of candles on his grave.
 
In the 1990s, soon after the fall of communism, there were many teachers from most of English-speaking countries in Poland and I got to know most of those who came to my town. Among them was an Australian from Perth, whose name was also Bill. I worked for him(interpreter) and we had close, friendly relations. He often visited me and my family. He was a nice, but rather a restless guy, who couldn't stay at a place or do the same thing for long, so after 8 years he got tired of teaching and left with his Polish wife for Australia He set up a successful cleaning business there and bought a vast renovated colonial-style house as he informed me in his emails and phone calls. He kept sending invitations but I kept postponing my visit until one day a sad news on his death came. He had been terminally ill for six months, which i didn't know. I always remember him around the first of November. He was a very good friend.
 
Vedaarya said:
In the 1990s, soon after the fall of communism, there were many teachers from most of English-speaking countries in Poland and I got to know most of those who came to my town. Among them was an Australian from Perth, whose name was also Bill. I worked for him(interpreter) and we had close, friendly relations. He often visited me and my family. He was a nice, but rather a restless guy, who couldn't stay at a place or do the same thing for long, so after 8 years he got tired of teaching and left with his Polish wife for Australia He set up a successful cleaning business there and bought a vast renovated colonial-style house as he informed me in his emails and phone calls. He kept sending invitations but I kept postponing my visit until one day a sad news on his death came. He had been terminally ill for six months, which i didn't know. I always remember him around the first of November. He was a very good friend.
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Very sad. So sorry.
 
How nice of you to remember those friends who have touched your life. I believe we are much like a tapestry (fabric) woven together with friends and family that have influenced us in one way or another. I feel I learned a lot from my husband and he will always be a part of who I am today.

So you are an interpreter? That's impressive. Is Polish your first language? My grandparents were both Polish--my grandfather left there as a toddler. I remember them speaking the language around us when we were young. As you might imagine, we listened to a lot of Polkas when we visited them!

I do relate to your visit to the cemetery. I have several in a local cemetery as well. It used to make me very emotional but I am able to do it now with remembering fond memories from when they existed here on earth. It has taken a lot of time, but peace does find us.
 
So you have quite a lot of Polish blood in your veins, Carla, it's a nice surprise for me. Polish is my native language, but I spent a lot of time learning English with not bad results, I think. I worked as an interpreter for native English speaking teachers - I helped them communicate in different official and everyday situations.I also did some translations for scientific journals(did not like it - tiresome) before I retired, but my main occupation for over 25 years was teaching English, which I enjoyed .
 
Vedaarya, your English is perfect. Not surprised you taught it.

There are quite a lot of Polish immigrants in Scotland, mostly in the service sector. And they are always so friendly! I hate what is going on here with Brexit and EU immigrants!
 
Thank you, Ameriscot, though I think you're being too kind. I used to be good at standard British English, but now I tend to make mistakes, which I sometimes notice only after sending a post. What I also lack is colloquial English and I'm happy that I can learn so much of it reading different posts on this forum. At present, I'm busy writing a childhood memories novella for our Senior Pen Club - I've only joined it and have no literary achievements, so I must submit my work on the last day of November. If I'm successful, I'll put down the abstract on my diary thread. I've always liked trying new things, but if I don't fit there, I'll quit.
What concerns the situation after the brexit, I think, every communities have some groups of people, they are not proud of. But how far politicians move to achieve their goal is the second thing. Here in Poland, many mistakes were made in the period of transition after 1989 - deindustralization deprived many people of jobs. During the eight years of PO government little was done to reduce unemployment ad raise standard of living, so people were still leaving the country in search of better life. That's why the previous government got the red card from the nation. I only hope that the present plans for reindustralization will be a success.
 
Since colder days coming, my cat has been playing nasty jokes on me. I've already missed or was late for a few appointments and it's getting on my nerves. Its' always the same - before leaving the house, I always check if the cat is in (he was raised at my son's in the city centre and isn't used to staying outside for long) and if he isn't I start calling and looking for him everywhere until he reluctantly leaves his warm hiding place. He really is inventive in finding such places. On warm days, when the French window leading to the patio is open all day long, he goes to and fro whenever he wants, but now he only takes short walks, but so frequently, that I get confused and don't remember whether I've already let him in or not.. Yesterday evening, I thought the cat was in a new hiding place, so I left him food and went to bed. However, I kept waking up so often that got up and went to fetch myself a glass of water when I heard loud miaowing. I looked out through the window and so flashing eyes of my scared cat. I let him in. The cat did look offended.
 
Vedaarya said:
Thank you, Ameriscot, though I think you're being too kind. I used to be good at standard British English, but now I tend to make mistakes, which I sometimes notice only after sending a post. What I also lack is colloquial English and I'm happy that I can learn so much of it reading different posts on this forum. At present, I'm busy writing a childhood memories novella for our Senior Pen Club - I've only joined it and have no literary achievements, so I must submit my work on the last day of November. If I'm successful, I'll put down the abstract on my diary thread. I've always liked trying new things, but if I don't fit there, I'll quit.
What concerns the situation after the brexit, I think, every communities have some groups of people, they are not proud of. But how far politicians move to achieve their goal is the second thing. Here in Poland, many mistakes were made in the period of transition after 1989 - deindustralization deprived many people of jobs. During the eight years of PO government little was done to reduce unemployment ad raise standard of living, so people were still leaving the country in search of better life. That's why the previous government got the red card from the nation. I only hope that the present plans for reindustralization will be a success.
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I didn't move to the UK until I was 48 (marriage) and was surprised to learn just how different English is here. I had to make a lot of changes. Not the same, of course, as changing from a completely different language to English, but a change.
 
Ameriscot said:
I didn't move to the UK until I was 48 (marriage) and was surprised to learn just how different English is here. I had to make a lot of changes. Not the same, of course, as changing from a completely different language to English, but a change.
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In the course of learning English, students are taught the basic lexical differences between Brit.English and Am.English. There are also some pronunciation differences, but as I heard from an American teacher, it's a a bit of a communication problem for people living in different parts of the USA as well. After all, it's a huge country. Did you ever experience something like that living in your fatherland, Ameriscot?
 
Vedaarya said:
In the course of learning English, students are taught the basic lexical differences between Brit.English and Am.English. There are also some pronunciation differences, but as I heard from an American teacher, it's a a bit of a communication problem for people living in different parts of the USA as well. After all, it's a huge country. Did you ever experience something like that living in your fatherland, Ameriscot?
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I lived in 4 states but only noticed a big difference when I moved from Michigan to Tennessee. Different terms and of course a very different accent.
 
Vedaarya, if you have the time I would love to read your thoughts of the changeover from Communism. Has your life changed for the better? History books are fine but I prefer personal experiences.
 
Hi Mitchezz,
I've been thinking what to say because it's not possible to explain the situation in a few sentences, so I'll stick to your direct question - Yes, I'm happy to live in a free and democratic country (the Soviet Union army left in the early 1990s). I've got my passport at home and can go away whenever I want to. I can set up my own business. These are the basic differences between now and what it was like before the changes in 1989. However, the adaptation to the new situation was not easy for everybody. Enterprising and educated people could more easily adjust themselves to the economic freedom than workers dependant only on their jobs in a factory.
 
And I forgot one important difference - there was no something like unemployment in the previous political system, which now forces people, mainly young, to look for a job somewhere else. The transition of the economy from communist into capitalist was rapid (something like revolution) and I share the opinion of the political and economic experts who say that many mistakes were made then. Some people benefited unfairly (their riches sprang out overnight) from the changes while lives of others were shattered by rapid, not always right deindustralization.The weakest and most vulnerable could not find themselves in the new situation. That's why some, " lost generation" people still do not approve of those changes. "Lost generation" - they were the people who lost their jobs through closure of factories or mines and felt too old or unable to learn new qualifications.
Mitchezz, if you still have any questions - go ahead.
 

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