The Menendez brothers, and me.

hollydolly said:
OMG..feywon, this has been the exact story of my life..... exactly....
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It is relevant to all kinds of survivors including adult victims of sexual assault, muggings etc. i was raped when i was 19 so i get pretty strident about the topic of consent.

When my boys were pre-teen and teenage we had not one 'talk' about sexuality but several...often using scenes in movies and TV shows or books we'd all read as catalysts (that way they didn't feel 'lectured' at but part of a discussion. They grasped that accepting a no as no was for their protection as well. i explained that girls often have as confused feelings about sex as boys but that if a girl was setting boundaries and then being touchy feely with them they should at least try to talk to her about the mixed messages and set boundaries themselves.
 

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Knight said:
For those that posted of their real life experiences. I appreciate you all for posting about the impact it had on you.
My questions to any of you that might share more of your thoughts
1. How did you manage to not take the action of killing your abuser?
2. Did any of you plan to kill, but weighed the consequences?
3. Do you think there is a difference between planning to kill or killing the abuser at the very moment abuse is taking place?

If I was on the parole board I honestly don't know right now what my decision would be.
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@Knight

1. My primary reason I didn't take steps to end my ex's life was that it would leave my children (3 still minors) alone. Ex would be dead, I would be imprisoned.

2. See #1

3. I believe there is a difference. It's one thing to lay out a calculated plan to kill, and another entirely to react in the moment. " Reactive abuse" is thoroughly documented, and happens when someone who's been a victim of abuse reacts in a way that can include physical violence. That isn't because the victim is an abuser, but because they've been a victim of abuse for such a long time that they break, and lash out.

Keep in mind that true abuse is systematic, routine and chronic, meted out by psychopaths whose stock in trade is manipulation, domination and power over which is totally different than lashing out as a result of that level of abuse.

One time, after several hours of being verbally assaulted with sarcasm, threats to take my children away from me, cowering on the couch while my ex loomed over me screaming and threatening, backed into the counter etc, I lost all rational thought and picked up an iron and threw it at him. My aim wasn't good and I missed. Another time it was a cooking pot. One other time I shoved him into a wall. None of these were planned, I just broke.
 
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seadoug said:
I was the victim of emotional and physical abuse by one of my partners.

I moved in with him when I was 30. He was 22. It started as jealousy. He hated my previous partner of 6 years and tore up all the greeting cards he had given me over the years. Then it became physical abuse. He started to push or hit me. I fought back, but since the apartment was in my name I was afraid I would damage something if we fought too hard.

I went to work one day with a black eye. He would always cry afterward and say how sorry he was... typical abuser behavior. He disappeared for a few days, then miraculously came back, threw his keys on the floor and said I was too good for him and he was leaving. I figured he'd met someone more attractive or who made more many but I rolled with it. He did come back again but I told him we were done. Turns out, when he was growing up he saw his father threaten his mother with a gun so the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

That was my last relationship before I met my hubby of 35 years. I wasn't looking for ANYONE when I met him. I was happy to be by myself. I had improved my self-esteem and was not up for any more nonsense. Hubby is so respectful. He actually worked for a non-profit that operated 3 shelters around Dallas. One of the shelters is dedicated to men because so many gay men are abused. Very few people realize that.

I never felt like killing this guy, but I never lived with him so long that I suffered long-term trauma. I really feel for someone who has been through it and couldn't get out. It is a horrible way to live.

There... I've bared my soul and it was cathartic.
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@seadoug I'm so glad you were able to talk about this. It's hugely helpful when we survivors are able to talk about the abuse we suffered, especially because so often we feel shame and embarrassment, and feel like its our fault, and so want to keep it to ourselves, which just increases the trauma.
 
StarSong said:
As a victim of s**ual abuse throughout my adolescence at hands of my father, I was completely powerless. Who could I tell? What would that do to my family? Would I be believed? How would it spin out? Was what he was doing even against the law? Nobody talked about these things back then.

I fantasized about suicide or murdering him. Believe me, I completely understand the Menendez brothers' responses. I think they've done their time, have proven themselves to be thoroughly rehabilitated and no danger to others, and should be released.

It is due to victimized people like us telling our stories, that domestic violence and molestation are now on the radar of doctors, teachers, police and other adults in authority positions.
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@StarSong this is so true. Mandated reporting and reporters have saved countless lives, lessened trauma, and helped so many people who would otherwise have just suffered on alone.
 
Ronni said:
@Knight

1. My primary reason I didn't take steps to end my ex's life was that it would leave my children (3 still minors) alone. Ex would be dead, I would be imprisoned.

2. See #1

3. I believe there is a difference. It's one thing to lay out a calculated plan to kill, and another entirely to react in the moment. " Reactive abuse" is thoroughly documented, and happens when someone who's been a victim of abuse reacts in a way that can include physical violence. That isn't because the victim is an abuser, but because they've been a victim of abuse for such a long time that they break, and lash out.

Keep in mind that true abuse is systematic, routine and chronic, meted out by psychopaths whose stock in trade is manipulation, domination and power over which is totally different than lashing out as a result of that level of abuse.

One time, after several hours of being verbally assaulted with sarcasm, threats to take my children away from me, cowering on the couch while my ex loomed over me screaming and threatening, backed into the counter etc, I lost all rational thought and picked up an iron and threw it at him. My aim wasn't good and I missed. Another time it was a cooking pot. One other time I shoved him into a wall. None of these were planned, I just broke.
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Thank you for the reply.
Your #1. is what I expect most would think about. The consequences. In the Menendez case it seems like they did consider the consequence that is why they cleaned up the shell casings & built an alibi trying to place blame on the mafia.
Abuse is alleged only because no one actually saw it take place. Doesn't mean it didn't happen. Does seem odd that Lyle was from 6 yrs. to 8 yrs old & stopped Ericks until he was 18

The main problem I have with changing to verdict from murder in the 1st. to manslaughter is the planning as in buying shotguns two weeks before killing their parents that were seated watching TV.

What if any the impact of kill because they thought they were going to be killed will have as a defense in future cases by others, there is no way to know until it happens.

The parole board has a lot to consider IMO.
 

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