The Mindless Thread

A young blonde is at the soda machine in Vegas. She arrived there
just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while,
pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke.
She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar
and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully,
she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic
and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine,
studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the businessman,
who'd been waiting patiently all this time, says, "Excuse me,
miss, but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly asked,
"Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
 
At the Big Animals Vs. The Lil Animals Football game
The end of the 1st half and the Big Animals are Winning 35 zip.
The Second half starts and the Rino Carries the ball around Right end.
Bam he is stopped in his huge tracks.
The Squirrel asks, Who did that?" and the Centipede gets up out of the pile.
Says, "I sure did."
So, the Second play from scrimmage the Hippo has the ball around left end and
"Wham" he is nailed for a loss and the Lil Squirrel once again is astounded.
"Wow, who did that?" and the lil Centipede says, "I sure did that."
Now, its 3rd down and Elephant carries it straight up the middle.
So there is a terrific crash the Elephant is sitting on his rump, trunk up in the air
and an awful wail is heard for a bit. The Lil Squirrel asks the Centipede, "Where
were you in the 1st half?" So the Centipede answers, "tapping my ankles."
 

Herb goes into a bar and hears people yelling out numbers and Laughter.
So, he orders his Draft and Herb strikes up a conversation with and
asks the Hottie Barmaid, "what's going on?"
"Everyone here knows everyone else, so they all know each other's Jokes."
36, haha, 21, ahhahaahhahaha, 19, ha-ha-ha the laughter makes the room shake.
"I don't get it he says to the Hottie." "Everyone has a joke numbered so they know
Who's joke it is. So, Herb says "11," severe silence, he says, "9," more stonewalling.
Herb says, "I don't get it to the Hottie." She thinks a bit and says,
"Herb, Not Everyone can tell a good Joke."
 
Visitors arrive at the Hospital and are rushed up to the floor their loved one is on. They pass an open door and see a patient getting oral from a nurse. Much laughter erupts from the room as the families there also. Shocked the Visitors for a Patient ask the orderly, "Why is THIS happening in your hospital??”
The Doctor with them calmly responds “Same condition. The patient just has a better healthcare plan.”
 
TELL ME MORE; TELL ME MORE

Big and Lil Guy play Blues with each other for many years in a basement.
One day Big Passes and Lil Guy feels hard for the Loss.
A few weeks pass and Lil Guy hears Vocals and music in the Basement.
An Bigs voice says, " Hey Lil Guy I'm here in heaven with all our past away Buddies Jamming.
So. Lil Guy says, "TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE"
An Big says, "Jesus is great but his Dad's girlfriend thinks she can sing!"
 
The Couple plan a Vacation fishing trip to Maine. Being Blondes they thoroughly prepare.
They rent Fishing equipment, boat, boots, Van and even the Cabin with Guide. So the drive is 8 hours.
The first fishing day, not a bite. 2nd day nary a nibble. Their luck continues but on the last day
one of the Blondes catches a fine fish. So, as they are heading home the one who catches the fish
comments, " wow this one fish cost us $15000! Good thing we didn't catch more."
 
Lil Johnnys wife is concerned. Its fathers day and Lil Johnny and Herb went to play a round of Golf. Lil Johnny could have been home hours ago. The hours pass with her knowing how poor the Cell connection is out there and finally after 8 PM Lil Johnny walks in the door looking rather ratty. "What happened," asks Mrs. Lil Johnny? "Herb had a heart attack on the back nine," says Lil Johnny. "That's horrible," says Mrs. Lil Johnny. "I know, it was over 2000 yards of hit the ball, drag Herb, Hit the ball, drag Herb!"
 
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Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
I could use a good chocolate iced cupcake right now.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I have friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
 
The Specialist does Circumcisions. He saves the foreskins.
After a long Career of saving foreskins, bags full.
So, he retires and takes the bags to the leather shop.
The Leatherman says, "come back in a month."
So the retired specialist returns and the Leatherman.
hands him a Wallet. The specialist says, "is this all
I get for a Career of hard work?"
"As you hold it, rub it, it becomes a Suitcase!"
 
You know if you're a farmer you will have special crops, special years, weather and Livestock.
So, one year I fell asleep in the barn and a very Special young feeder pig woke me up and got me out as it burned down.
So, you know you treat that special animal, a very smart pig differently than you does the rest of you livestock.
That special livestock you don't eat all at once. One leg at a time. Over the years that pass with time the pig becomes very dear to you.
 
You know the other day I saw a commercial Hot love ****** Tablets, $75 to over$100 each.
Then call a number, get a prescription over the phone for the Generic hot love ****** for $.75 / $.89 each. Haha
 
Our hero along with five other men
are pushing a House down the street.
So later a news reporter shows up and asks the men about it.
Well, they say they were jump starting the Oil Furnace.
 

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