The Mindless Thread

Guy has a terrible problem, his eyes seem to be bulging out of his head.
So, he goes to the Dr. about his problem. Well.. after the exam the Dr.
Says, "you will need surgery to relieve the problem."
Well, the guy thinks a bit and then responds, " I need some time to
figure this out." Dr. says, "sure it's a big decision to have to make."
Guy leaves and then decides to get some new clothes to help him
think. So, he stops at the Clothing store and says, I want to by new
clothes, everything but I'm not completely sure of the sizes. So the
Taylor says, XL long sleeve shirt, 36x34 jeans, size 12 shoes and
XL skivvies. Guys says, "sounds about right except for the shorts."
"I have always worn Mediums." Taylor says, "But that would make
your eyes bulge right out of your head!"
 

Helicopter is flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all
of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot cannot determine the helicopter's position.
The pilot sees a tall building, flies toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign
that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded
to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport and landed safely. After they
were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."
 

Captains reviewing the Sailors aboard Ship in Port.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"#2," the Captain shouts. "Give this man 30 days
compassionate shore leave." "Yessir," #2 replies.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"#2, Give this man another 30 days compassionate Shore leave,"
The Captain barks. A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Captain is adgitated! #2, Haven't we given this man two
compassionate shore leaves?" "Yessir," #2 says. "Then what's his problem,"
the Captain asks. Number 2 salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
 
Talking Horse always has a dream of playing the guitar. So, the horse calls up a music shop and he says,
“Hey, I'm ED want to learn how to play the guitar.” The music shop employee goes “ED, That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”
ED responds, “Well there’s one problem, I’m a horse.” The music store employee goes “That’s no problem, we have state of the art technology that can teach horses how to play the guitar.” ED says “Great!” so ED goes in to take his music lessons and in no time he’s proficient in playing the guitar. He’s out in the garage playing the guitar when his friend BABE a sheep walks by, and BABE says, “That’s so cool, I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the drums, how did you learn to do that?” So ED gives the BABE the number to the music shop and She calls them up and says “hey I'm BABE, I want to learn how to play the drums.” The music store employee goes, “Great BABE, we’ll set you up for some music lessons.” BABE responds, “Well, there’s one problem.” The employee says, “What’s that?” BABE says, “I’m a sheep.” The employee responds, “That’s no problem we have state of the art technology that can teach sheep how to play the drums.” BABE goes in for her music lessons and quickly becomes proficient at playing the drums.

One afternoon ED and BABE both jammin in the garage when their friend COMBER a chicken walks by, and says, “That’s incredible, where did you guys learn how to do that?” They tell him about the music shop and the COMBER goes, “Thats so cool, I’ve always wanted to learn how to sing. So COMBER calls up the music shop and he says, “Hey I'm COMBER, I want to sign up for vocal lessons.”
The shop employee responds, that’s great what time are you free?” COMBER says, “Well, I’m free whenever, but there’s one issue.”
The employee asks, “What’s that.” COMBER says, “I’m a chicken.” The employee goes, “COMBER, that’s no problem, we have state of the art technology that can teach chickens how to sing.” COMBER goes and takes his vocal lessons and when he’s done, ED, BABE and COMBER form The BAND. One day they’re jammin in the garage and they decide to record a video of a song and upload it to YouTube. The song goes viral. Soon enough they are a full-on band and going around the world on tour playing their music.
At the airport before one of their flights to the show location, as the plane is about to board, ED says, “I need to use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you guys before the flight takes off.” BABE and COMBER board the plane, but ED's too long in the bathroom and missed the departure time. As ED is waiting for a new flight, he finds out the plane WITH COMBER AND BABE crashed and they both died.
ED being very understandably upset about losing his two friends decides to go into the airport bar and get a drink. He walks in and orders a vodka cranberry, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

__________________
 
Last edited:
papa tiger said:
Guy has a terrible problem, his eyes seem to be bulging out of his head.
So, he goes to the Dr. about his problem. Well.. after the exam the Dr.
Says, "you will need surgery to relieve the problem."
Well, the guy thinks a bit and then responds, " I need some time to
figure this out." Dr. says, "sure it's a big decision to have to make."I
Guy leaves and then decides to get some new clothes to help him
think. So, he stops at the Clothing store and says, I want to by new
clothes, everything but I'm not completely sure of the sizes. So the
Taylor says, XL long sleeve shirt, 36x34 jeans, size 12 shoes and
XL skivvies. Guys says, "sounds about right except for the shorts."
"I have always worn Mediums." Taylor says, "But that would make
your eyes bulge right out of your head!"
Click to expand...
lol, I told my son, 'No wonder you're cross-eyed, your shorts are too tight.'
 
I told my friends, "I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby."
They all agreed that, "That's a useless ability."

"I'm well aware"
 
One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.
The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.
"What are you doing here?! This is my turf!" He said to the younger rooster.
The younger rooster replied, "I know how the farmer thinks. You are old and I'm here to help and eventually take your place. Why don't you just give up and go to the corner of the field and rest..."
Visibly enraged now, wings flapping, the older rooster retorted that he'll sooner be turned into a stew, than to retire without a fight.
"I challenge you to a race, 10 laps around the field! If I lose, I'll do as you say and stay away till the end of my life. However, if I win, you are to leave this field and never return."
The younger rooster smirked and said "you are just going to embarrass yourself in front of the ladies, old chicken. Fine you are on. In fact I'll give you a twenty yards head start."

So the race got underway, and the young rooster can be seen chasing the old rooster round the field on the first lap...
On the second lap... BANG! The farmer shot the young rooster dead. "DARN IT! Why are all the new roosters I bought, including the two previously, only interested in chasing and mating with the old rooster?!"
 
Have you ever thought about requiring Born on / expiration dates on everything.

1. Do Toxins & poisons expire? when and what amount. Are they really newt'd?
2. Do you think one of the Twins ever realizes they's not planned?
3. Did you know the air you breath is slowly killing you?
4. Did you know only the rich today own horses.
5. Did you ever realize the first clockmaker had no clue what time it was? ewe..... 🤞 I got nothing!
6. Did you know the deep diver submersible failed because it was designed like a Sweet Potato?
7. Did you know which arm rest in a movie theater is yours?
8. Did you know you got a Fridge but not a Refridgerator?
 
Bus Driver's travelling down a street. It stops, picks up passengers
and continues on & It goes right thru a stop sign. Next it turns left,
there's a “no-left turn” sign. Eventually, the Bus goes the wrong
way down a one-way street. How could The Bus Driver not break any traffic laws?
He gave up his seat standing room only bus to an elderly & lost his job.
 
I goes to the Dr. for my semiannual exam to keep the $10 mil insurance policy.
So, he does the blood, the X-ray, the oral, cavity search and my temperature & blood pressure.
So, then we talk about life. He tells me about his marriage, escapades & at the golf course score.
I talk about my Office of Many Windows and Computers + responding correspondence.
Then my Dr. Even's said, "If you continue being this lazy, you should expect a-trophy."
 
It rained, the wind blew hard, low spots on the highway were in at least a foot of water. I quit driving and pulled in. Being late wasn’t important.
 
Cupid gets a lot of credit for catalyzing true love,
his brother, Stupid, the god of ill-advised,
drunken hook-ups. ......
 
Guy books passage on an old Freighter from N.Y. to Vera Cruz.
Its a semi=tropical trip, the AC doesn't work so well.
They get there an he's walking around, notices lots of
People in Costumes, singing, dancing, very loud.
Guy asks why all the Rukus. Response is The Titanic
Had 20 Jars of Hellmans on it when it went down &
Their Celebrating Sink N D'Mayo. .......(y)
 
Specifications and bureaucracies live on forever!
So, the next time you are handed a specification and you wonder what bureaucratic horse's ass
came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made
just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two horses.

When we see the space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached
to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid fuel boosters that are made by Thiokol at their plant in Utah.
The engineers who designed the boosters would have preferred to make them larger in diameter
but they had to be shipped by rail from the factory to the launch site. The railroad from the factory
had to pass through several tunnels in the mountains that are, you guessed it, just slightly wider than
the railroad track which is about two horse butts wide. The major design feature of what is currently
the world's most advanced and technologically sophisticated transportation system.

Determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
 
I took my daughter to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the woman behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
She said she was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
 
A Male Elephant walks up to the Nude guy and says,
"How can you Breathe thru that tiny lil thingy?".
 
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.


I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If a Leaf blower can clean out a floor fan, what'll clean out the leaf blower.
 
Guy goes to the Dr. Doc asks, "what seems to be the problem, Sid?"
Sid says, "Doc I can't take a Crap." Doc prescribes some pills and says,
"Come back in a Week." Sid goes home for a week, takes the pills and
returns to the Dr. Office. Doc says, "How you doing Sid?" Sid says,
"I still can't crap Doc." "Well, let's check out some more facts Sid."
"We have your name, address, phone number, age and marital status
as single. So, what do you do?" "I'm a musician" says Sid. Doc replies,
"Why didn't you say so, Nurse call the pizza delivery for Sid, we need to get
him some food." ..... 🛠️
 
I toght I taw a puddy cat walk past my office window just now!
 

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