The Past Remembered in a Better Light Than it Should Be?

Gardenlover

Gardenlover

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Grandpa and Grandma used to fight like cat and dogs, almost split up a few times. Once he died she remembered him only as the sweetest man that ever walked the earth.

I guess our minds are wired to jettison the negative and remember the positive.
 

I'm not sure about that. I'm under no such illusions about certain people who have passed in my family...but I do understand what you mean.

perhaps for some people like your grandma it's more to do with the superstition of speaking ill of the dead. ...or maybe under all that fighting it was their only way of showing affection...
 
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Gardenlover said:
Grandpa and Grandma used to fight like cat and dogs, almost split up a few times. Once he died she remembered him only as the sweetest man that ever walked the earth.

I guess our minds are wired to jettison the negative and remember the positive.
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You could be right. My mother and father fought a lot. (one reason I left home right out of school) All mom said was why doesn't that old sod just die. Well, later on she got her wish. Now, fast forward 12 years and he's a saint. go figure.
 
Gardenlover said:
Grandpa and Grandma used to fight like cat and dogs, almost split up a few times. Once he died she remembered him only as the sweetest man that ever walked the earth.

I guess our minds are wired to jettison the negative and remember the positive.
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Yes... it helps in the grieving process. She will visit the hard times at some point but the positive is helping at the moment.
 
Gardenlover said:
Grandpa and Grandma used to fight like cat and dogs, almost split up a few times. Once he died she remembered him only as the sweetest man that ever walked the earth.

I guess our minds are wired to jettison the negative and remember the positive.
Click to expand...
I think they could have fought like cats and dogs and still loved each other very much. I'm glad your Grandma remembered the good about him, to her he was the sweetest man on earth. Sometimes outward appearances don't always reflect the true personal relationship. I think remembering the best about someone who passed on is good for the soul of a loved one.

As already mentioned here, there are some people who might just have been hateful and evil, so their passing changes nothing. They will be remembered for who they were.
 
I never had a very positive relationship with my parents and I never wanted to be like them.

Referring back to another post on 'understanding' , I came to understand my mother sometimes felt that life had dealt her a bad hand and that underneath her hard, stoical shell, she was very insecure - always seeking assurance and worrying that other people's actions would reflect on her.

In the end, even if I understood them better, I never felt 'close' to my parents and I feel angry at some of the things they did, but more so, of what they didn't do.
 
Wren said:
Similar for me toffee, I wish it had been sooner so my poor mum could have enjoyed her life a few years longer......
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Wren and toffee, I thought precisely the same as you both. I was so relived when my father died. It was like every demon in the world had been exorcised..he couldn't hurt another person, it was like a weight had lifted right off my shoulders. I didn't go to his funeral.
 
The past is often perceived through rose-colored glasses, and memory can be a selective thing. My mother was a malignant narcissist who caused my father, my sister, and I much suffering. She always perceived herself to be a great person and to have a great relationship with me whereas I was just doing my duties as a son and tolerating a toxic parent I could not change.
 
Ruth n Jersey said:
I don't know about that. I had a witch of an aunt who passed away many years ago and I can't think of one good thing to say about her.
Just another reason why I hate going to funerals. By the time they finally put the person in the ground you would think they were all saints
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Heh, at the funeral of our step grand dad, the minister was going on and on about how great a man he was
My brother and I looked at each other and both whispered at the same time 'Is this the right funeral?'
 
My maternal aunt's husband was the pits. He drank, gambled, cheated, abused them all, and even had a room with food for himself that he would not share with the rest of the family and kept it locked up. After he died, the family spoke of him like he was a saint. They were either in denial, or more likely wanted to change the past by lying about it.
 
toffee said:
when my father died I said thank god --sounds bad but true' not one little thing I remember good he done '
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Pretty much how I felt after my mother died. None of her 4 kids attended her funeral; we were too busy enjoying the moment.
 
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I was reminded of a quote from Bette Davis. She hated Joan Crawford (for some reason). After Joan died, Bette said in an interview: You should never say bad things about someone who is dead; you should only say good things. It's a good thing she's dead."

I'm still chuckling about that one.
 
win231 said:
I'm not wired that way. I think the truth is the best policy - good or bad.....family included.
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I tend to agree with your statement but with one reminder. The "truth" in our own mind is not always "the truth".

We read on forums about the husbands and wives who are absolute "rounders" but we never get to hear what these "bad" people might say in reply. Are the posters consciously lying? Probably not. They're just relating their lives according to the way they've seen it, ie , the truth from their point of view.
 

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