The Truth about Family

officerripley said:
I agree. Being of the opinion that all life on this planet started from the same single-cell organism, I think one could say that all living things are part of the same family anyway, so why some people will only cling to close relatives is beyond me.
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:) Try banging on the door of a stranger, and demanding entrance. Family, we have to let in..
 

VaughanJB said:
I don't usually share personal information online, at least not too much of it. But since you wrote this, I'll go a step farther then I usually would.

Having children is a big responsibility. A life long commitment. Some people seem to have kids by accident, but it was never like that for me. Offspring was something, if anything, I worried about. After my experience, there was a lot of doubt about what kind of father I would be.

So, I made the decision, and it holds true to this day, that I wouldn't have any children. I'd seen too much hurt, and how it lasts a lifetime, and I didn't want to be part of someone else's bad history. There are many great parents in the world, so congrats to them. But it simply wasn't for me. And yes, I sometimes regret it. But that's just another part of life. It's done now. I hope every child out there can sleep a good sleep tonight, and have joy tomorrow.
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I think you’re right. Not everyone of us is cut out to be a parent. It’s a big investment of time, energy and other resources. I think at 62, I could still be a good dad. I would prefer adoption at this point, maybe somewhere between 10-14. I still have plenty of zip and pep and like doing things kids do for example, roller blading, sledding, water sports, including fishing and so on.

I also realize that the older I get, the window is beginning to close, so if I am planning or thinking about doing the things I mentioned, I need to get busy and maybe stop being so picky. I am dating a woman right now that is looking good at the moment. So far, we agree on pretty much everything we have discussed, except she prefers to only adopt white children. I understand her reasoning, but disagree with it, however, I am not going to let that alone stand in the way of excluding her as a “maybe.” Does that sound foolish?

I do love her, but I am not yet completely all in on that yet, if you know what I mean. I don’t have that passionate type of love that a man should have for his wife. I do love her for being who she is and the type of person she is, I love her for the way she treats and respects me and I love her for not pushing me towards anything like marriage or engagement. But, there is something missing and I don’t know what it is. When I had COVID she was very empathetic towards me and that sure helped me to love her more, but there’s just something that I can’t put my finger on that’s missing.
 
I knew, even when still in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) I'd never take care of my mother. I didn't have to, my enabler stepfather did that. Now I'm stuck with him. I will help him, if I resent it or not. I took him to appointments, shopping after he got out of hospital and rehab. But I will never do hands on care. He needs that, it's the nursing home. And bleep both my brothers.
 

Been There said:
I also realize that the older I get, the window is beginning to close, so if I am planning or thinking about doing the things I mentioned, I need to get busy and maybe stop being so picky. I am dating a woman right now that is looking good at the moment. So far, we agree on pretty much everything we have discussed, except she prefers to only adopt white children. I understand her reasoning, but disagree with it, however, I am not going to let that alone stand in the way of excluding her as a “maybe.” Does that sound foolish?
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Adoption sounds great. I've certainly nothing against that. There are kids who just need a stable home, and if you can provide that, then that's fantastic.

Now, I don't want to say too much, because I don't know enough - but her reasoning for only have a white child would have to be strong for me to accept it. Any hint of racism would be a huge turn off for me. But perhaps she has other reasoning that justifies the stance. What kids up for adoption need is love, caring, and nurture. Be they black, white, or somewhere in between. You're servicing a higher calling. But that's just me.

I'm glad you have a found a partner though, that's awesome.
 
gruntlabor said:
:) I don't think my children like me, although they are dutiful and respectful. I'm opinionated, and I never shut up, and I care nothing for the approval of the world. Plus, I come from a very, very conservative place. So, I never call them, I wait until they call me. It's all good, I'm cool with it, and I do love them very much.
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Far be it from me to be critical. I'm just another guy. But in this case, I did want to add something.

I worked away from the UK for 30 years. My parents didn't call me - EVER. For 30 years, and to this day, my mother won't call me. If I call her, she'll talk, and even ask why I don't call more often. But does she ever pick up the phone and call me? No. Never. Let me tell you, I found that hugely damaging. Love is all well and good when it's unsaid, but it's better when it's on display. You may be good with that, and your kids may say they're okay with it too, but I'd wager there's some hurt. There is in my case.

Also, being opinionated is fine, you do you. But when there is social interaction, if you know it bothers others, the right thing to do is to temper those things you know others dislike. It's all part of being civil. I certainly got to a point when I decided not to bother contact at all, because they didn't respect me enough to be polite. And polite means not doing things you know bothers them.

Of course, this is just my opinion. I could be wrong, and you likely disagree. But it's never too late to give it some thought. If you love them, if you care for them, there's nothing unmanly or macho about letting them know. IMO.
 
Been There said:
But, there is something missing and I don’t know what it is.......but there’s just something that I can’t put my finger on that’s missing.
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May I politely suggest, as a woman, that it is your lack of commitment? I call it 'the Heart of Gold' syndrome after the song by Neil Young. He's searching for a heart of gold and he's getting old. That's because it doesn't exist. If Neil in the song is serious, he would give up the 'search.'
 
Pepper said:
May I politely suggest, as a woman, that it is your lack of commitment? I call it 'the Heart of Gold' syndrome after the song by Neil Young. He's searching for a heart of gold and he's getting old. That's because it doesn't exist. If Neil in the song is serious, he would give up the 'search.'
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I think it starts with accepting that you're no catch yourself. :D

Meaning, I'm imperfect. I've done good and bad. I've been right and wrong. I certainly don't look like I did in my 20's. When you can accept your own flaws, you can more readily accept the flaws of others.
 
Ronni said:
@VaughanJB talks about sharing the same blood/blood is thicker then water etc.

@hollydolly speaks above about family loyalty as a binding agent of sorts.

I would add one more component and that is shared history. It can be a very strong component in some circumstances, and can also keep family members connected.

No one knows your history as well as those who have loved it with you. Whether that shared history is good or bad, the commonality of inside jokes, events, similar experiences, standing together or separate from others, seasonal events etc all combine to create a time map that is unique to you and the family you shared all that with.

Even when that shared history is dysfunctional as was the case with my kids and their Dad’s abuse, it bound them together, and they remain so to this day.
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Thank you for bringing up shared history. That seems to be the glue that held my family together. Such as it was. We were all different and I was perhaps the oddest of all, but I appreciated any support from the others. They are all gone now, and I miss being able to say hey, remember that time?
 
VaughanJB said:
Far be it from me to be critical. I'm just another guy. But in this case, I did want to add something.

I worked away from the UK for 30 years. My parents didn't call me - EVER. For 30 years, and to this day, my mother won't call me. If I call her, she'll talk, and even ask why I don't call more often. But does she ever pick up the phone and call me? No. Never. Let me tell you, I found that hugely damaging. Love is all well and good when it's unsaid, but it's better when it's on display. You may be good with that, and your kids may say they're okay with it too, but I'd wager there's some hurt. There is in my case.

Also, being opinionated is fine, you do you. But when there is social interaction, if you know it bothers others, the right thing to do is to temper those things you know others dislike. It's all part of being civil. I certainly got to a point when I decided not to bother contact at all, because they didn't respect me enough to be polite. And polite means not doing things you know bothers them.

Of course, this is just my opinion. I could be wrong, and you likely disagree. But it's never too late to give it some thought. If you love them, if you care for them, there's nothing unmanly or macho about letting them know. IMO.
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:) Thank you, VaughanJB, you are very kind, and quite right..
 
Pepper said:
May I politely suggest, as a woman, that it is your lack of commitment? I call it 'the Heart of Gold' syndrome after the song by Neil Young. He's searching for a heart of gold and he's getting old. That's because it doesn't exist. If Neil in the song is serious, he would give up the 'search.'
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What is a “heart if gold?” I am more than ready to commit, but my niece tells me all the time that I am too picky. She said I will complain about my date’s makeup or the way she dresses or other things that probably should be overlooked.

I am a very generous person. I don’t believe in flashing a lot of cash or being ostentatious. I do like seeing people enjoying themselves, so when my date a few months ago said she would like to go see Lionel Richie in concert, I checked for tickets. They were $300 each, but I was going to buy them anyway, however, they were too far away from the stage. I didn’t think they were worth that amount considering the seating distance. I explained that to her and she was fine with it and said she appreciated my attempt to please her.
 
VaughanJB said:
Adoption sounds great. I've certainly nothing against that. There are kids who just need a stable home, and if you can provide that, then that's fantastic.

Now, I don't want to say too much, because I don't know enough - but her reasoning for only have a white child would have to be strong for me to accept it. Any hint of racism would be a huge turn off for me. But perhaps she has other reasoning that justifies the stance. What kids up for adoption need is love, caring, and nurture. Be they black, white, or somewhere in between. You're servicing a higher calling. But that's just me.

I'm glad you have a found a partner though, that's awesome.
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She gave the reason for only adopting a white child was that she would want the child to know their heritage and that would mean getting the child enrolled into a learning center that revolves around that type of thing. To me, that means probably moving to a big city and I am definitely not in favor of doing that with children.
 
Been There said:
She gave the reason for only adopting a white child was that she would want the child to know their heritage and that would mean getting the child enrolled into a learning center that revolves around that type of thing. To me, that means probably moving to a big city and I am definitely not in favor of doing that with children.
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Do you think she really wants children or is just making a suggestion that would be difficult to accomplish? How old is she?
 
Been There said:
I think you’re right. Not everyone of us is cut out to be a parent. It’s a big investment of time, energy and other resources. I think at 62, I could still be a good dad. I would prefer adoption at this point, maybe somewhere between 10-14. I still have plenty of zip and pep and like doing things kids do for example, roller blading, sledding, water sports, including fishing and so on.

I also realize that the older I get, the window is beginning to close, so if I am planning or thinking about doing the things I mentioned, I need to get busy and maybe stop being so picky. I am dating a woman right now that is looking good at the moment. So far, we agree on pretty much everything we have discussed, except she prefers to only adopt white children. I understand her reasoning, but disagree with it, however, I am not going to let that alone stand in the way of excluding her as a “maybe.” Does that sound foolish?

I do love her, but I am not yet completely all in on that yet, if you know what I mean. I don’t have that passionate type of love that a man should have for his wife. I do love her for being who she is and the type of person she is, I love her for the way she treats and respects me and I love her for not pushing me towards anything like marriage or engagement. But, there is something missing and I don’t know what it is. When I had COVID she was very empathetic towards me and that sure helped me to love her more, but there’s just something that I can’t put my finger on that’s missing.
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Though it's commendable that you would love to raise a child, I'm concerned about
the fact that child-rearing takes 100% effort on the part of his/her parent/s. That means, there won't be a large percentage of time for your partner. The teen years,
in particular, could be quite challenging.

I do wish you all the best in your relationship, and future.
 
VaughanJB said:
I don't usually share personal information online, at least not too much of it. But since you wrote this, I'll go a step farther then I usually would.

Having children is a big responsibility. A life long commitment. Some people seem to have kids by accident, but it was never like that for me. Offspring was something, if anything, I worried about. After my experience, there was a lot of doubt about what kind of father I would be.

So, I made the decision, and it holds true to this day, that I wouldn't have any children. I'd seen too much hurt, and how it lasts a lifetime, and I didn't want to be part of someone else's bad history. There are many great parents in the world, so congrats to them. But it simply wasn't for me. And yes, I sometimes regret it. But that's just another part of life. It's done now. I hope every child out there can sleep a good sleep tonight, and have joy tomorrow.
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We chose not to have children, fifty years ago it would have been folly to admit that being childless was by choice. Times change, attitudes change, most people accept that you can still love children even if you choose not to have any.
Been There said:
I think you’re right. Not everyone of us is cut out to be a parent. It’s a big investment of time, energy and other resources. I think at 62, I could still be a good dad. I would prefer adoption at this point, maybe somewhere between 10-14. I still have plenty of zip and pep and like doing things kids do for example, roller blading, sledding, water sports, including fishing and so on.
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We have been fortunate in that we have had the honour of being Godparents to some of our friend's children. We have watched them grow up, been there at landmark moments, seen them get married, congratulated them when they became parents, it's been a great experience.
 
I had a girlfriend for years and I missed several opportunities to marry her. Meanwhile, she married 3 losers, 2 cheaters and 1 physical and emotional abuser. I kept telling her I wanted to marry her, but I traveled the world and never knew where I was going to be next month. I didn't want to do that to any family of mine. Some guys in the military did that and got away with it while others ended up in divorce court.

Once I retired, I was ready for marriage and was all set for the big moment to propose. Unfortunately, she had cancer and died the day after 7/4/2022. When she was 22, she came down with Hodgkin's Disease. She had it twice She was given so much radiation and chemo that it weakened her bones and finally did her in. I have been mourning her loss ever since that day. I keep thinking "what if?"

This woman I am seeing now reminds me a lot of her. She has many of the same attributes as my former gf. Very strong, stands up for herself and doesn't back down from her convictions, yet she is kind, considerate and respectful. She likes doing things and not just going for walks and sitting at home having conversations. It seems at this time, we are a good match.

I also find myself doing things that I never thought I would. This weekend, we are going to a fall flower show. I wish I could get excited about it, but I am going and I will have a good time. Sometimes, we do what we have to in order to appease the other side. I do like flowers, so it won't be so bad. I remember back in the day when my Mom raised Iris's and would enter them in the County's spring flower festival.

Someone mentioned that word "commitment." I am still trying to figure out if I am ready to follow through with it.
 
I also wanted to add that when my girlfriend became very ill with a repeat of her cancer, I called a doctor that was in the Marines and later retired and went to Moffitt Cancer Center in Houston to study and work in Oncology. I called and gave him my gf's history and he said to bring her down and he would hook her up with one of their best Oncologists as long as he knew when we were coming.

I offered to take her down and pay all the bills that Medicare and her supplement didn't cover, but she wouldn't go. She kept telling me that she thought her time was up, but I tried to convince her to never give up and to keep fighting. That's the way we are taught in the military. No matter how dark it seems, you can't quit. I even had her 2 daughters trying to convince her to go and give it a try. She was convinced that if the Mayo Clinic couldn't help her, no one could.

I wish I could let this go, but for some reason, I feel at least some responsibility for her not being here.
 
VaughanJB said:
There is a pervasive view that blood is thicker than water, family is all important, and that family can be a salvation. In a recent thread I saw a comment saying being cared for by family is better than a hired help. I wanted to riff on that for a moment.

I'm one of three children. My father has passed, my mother is still with us. The whole blood is thicker view simply doesn't apply to me. I have very little interaction with my family, and ultimately it's by design. My family is not a haven, they're the last people I'd ever ask for help, and quite honestly, I don't understand them. My mother could not care less what I'm doing and what is happening to me (and yes, this is evidence based, not just an opinion). I don't like my brother, and my sister is very remote.

In short, family - as in blood related - is a complete fail. I'm not going to lay blame, although I will say it's about events. They don't want anything to do with me, and I don't want anything to do with them. I'd be happy dying in a room on my own, before I ever reached out.

Not all families are worth saving. Family members sometimes can't be forgiven. Sometimes you cross the bridge, and burn it down behind you. When I read about how important family is, I feel a little disconnected. I know the theory, but the reality is there are a lot of families that are dysfunctional.

When my father was ill, I would visit him in the hospital. I'd sit there for four hours or more. We'd talk, but it was stupid stuff. What I wanted, to be honest, was an apology, or at the very least some reasoning for his behavior. I gave him every opportunity to put things right. He didn't do that, and so he passed with a lot unsaid. I'm okay with that. I don't worry about it now. He's gone, so closure won't ever happen. You come to terms with knowing it won't ever be resolved.

My mother shows no signs of wanting to talk. That's fine. I move on. But I would say, it's worth remembering that everyone in your life, EVERYONE, has to earn their place there. If they do something you don't like, or don't agree with, they don't get a pass because you're related. We have our own journeys in this life, and we shouldn't be afraid of embracing that, even if it leads away from family.

I'm pretty sure they would say the same about me.
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I totally agree. We were guilt tripped into helping family due to religious obligations. My Dad used to be in a cult and that was one of their rules. Regardless of religion or not, it wouldn't be a bad thing to uphold if the people you're helping didn't take advantage of that and use it to manipulate you.
I no longer talk to my brothers because they're constantly guilt-tripping me for having money (which I don't...I just have good credit.). One is always asking if I'll co-sign a loan (for a house of all things) that I know I'll be paying back and have my credit ruined for...all while he lays up drunk and high. He tried shaming me because of what he believes is religious obligation on my part to help him. All the while, he could careless if it ruined me or put me in the poor house. Better off without them if the only reason they contact you is for a handout. I've learned that they'll figure stuff out if they don't get it from you.
 

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