There is a lot of talk about coercive control in relationships lately

Bretrick

Bretrick

Well-known Member
Location
Perth Western Australia
No doubt it is very prevalent.
An observation of mine this morning.
I am at a baseball game. I have been here for 1/2 an hour now. In that time there are two males standing under a tree talking away.
I notice when the guys walk back to the main viewing area he sits in a portable chair. Then a female comes back and says "Hey, that is my chair".
It appears they are a married couple,. She says "Come on, that is my chair. He does not move and she has to stand behind him.
1/2 an hour later he gets up to have a cigarette under the tree. I notice the lady does not sit in the chair.
Coercive control?
 

My wife and I have been married for fifty-seven years. Back in 1968 when we got married we agreed that if we were to quarrel the loser would have to walk five miles. I have walked five miles everyday for the last 57 years, which is probably why I have no weight issues. My missus is the same, not an ounce has she increased since we got married. Mind you that's no surprise, everyday she's followed me to make sure I cover the full five miles.
 

Bretrick said:
No doubt it is very prevalent.
An observation of mine this morning.
I am at a baseball game. I have been here for 1/2 an hour now. In that time there are two males standing under a tree talking away.
I notice when the guys walk back to the main viewing area he sits in a portable chair. Then a female comes back and says "Hey, that is my chair".
It appears they are a married couple,. She says "Come on, that is my chair. He does not move and she has to stand behind him.
1/2 an hour later he gets up to have a cigarette under the tree. I notice the lady does not sit in the chair.
Coercive control?
Click to expand...
The scary thing about coercive control is that it is insiduous - difficult to put your finger on initially. If it were physical violence or verbal abuse, you would see it for what it is but, with coercive behaviour it's not so easy.

I remember the first time I read about coercive control, it was a Eureka moment for me! After all those years, I understood what it had all been about; it wasn't a joke, I wasn't misunderstanding him nor was I imagining things.

What I remember most about that time was being completely confused about what was actually going on. I dumped him because I didn't want to be with someone who behaved like him but, it was a very long time before I read about it and understood why he behaved like it.

Your example about the chair is very sad. :(
 
Bretrick said:
No doubt it is very prevalent.
An observation of mine this morning.
I am at a baseball game. I have been here for 1/2 an hour now. In that time there are two males standing under a tree talking away.
I notice when the guys walk back to the main viewing area he sits in a portable chair. Then a female comes back and says "Hey, that is my chair".
It appears they are a married couple,. She says "Come on, that is my chair. He does not move and she has to stand behind him.
1/2 an hour later he gets up to have a cigarette under the tree. I notice the lady does not sit in the chair.
Coercive control?
Click to expand...
Home life for them must be a real fun place..........for the husband mostly.
 
Is this the same thing as what people used to call "Gas-lighting". (as in the movie)

In doing a little googling, it seems to me that it is...
but in the OP, I get the sense of a guy being rude to someone who may or may not be related to him,
but I don't see any signs of him trying to control anyone... It might perhaps be indicative of coercive control...
so, idk?
 
Ted01 said:
Is this the same thing as what people used to call "Gas-lighting". (as in the movie)

In doing a little googling, it seems to me that it is...
but in the OP, I get the sense of a guy being rude to someone who may or may not be related to him,
but I don't see any signs of him trying to control anyone... It might perhaps be indicative of coercive control...
so, idk?
Click to expand...
Ah but there is such a thing as a spouse having psychological control (for whatever reason) over their spouse. Or in this case, she may not give a hoot if he hogs the chair. :D
 
Elsie said:
Ah but there is such a thing as a spouse having psychological control (for whatever reason) over their spouse. Or in this case, she may not give a hoot if he hogs the chair. :D
Click to expand...
Exactly that! "...she may".
Not enough evidence for any real conclusion... as it was presented (though, perhaps I've misunderstood).

At first blush, it does seem as if there's some game of (male?) Dominance going on... and that's been a vary
common thing in marriages throughout the ages.

In my youth, the group of friends that I ran with, male and female, would sometimes steal another's seat
and exclaim, "Ya' shuffle your feet, you lose your seat". Is it possible that's what was going on?
 
Ted01 said:
Exactly that! "...she may".
Not enough evidence for any real conclusion... as it was presented (though, perhaps I've misunderstood).

At first blush, it does seem as if there's some game of (male?) Dominance going on... and that's been a vary
common thing in marriages throughout the ages.

In my youth, the group of friends that I ran with, male and female, would sometimes steal another's seat
and exclaim, "Ya' shuffle your feet, you lose your seat". Is it possible that's what was going on?
Click to expand...
It is possible @Ted01 and not knowing the couple involved, we can only draw our own conclusions. To me, it had echoes from the past but, to other readers, it could seem entirely innocent. We have no way of knowing for sure.

Coercive behaviour is to manipulate and control. The way an abuser (who can be male or female) will seek to gain that control will vary but, the aim is always the same.

Gaslighting is used to make a victim doubt their sanity to the point that they believe that they are wrong, worthless etc. The best way I can describe it is that gaslighting is one of the tools an abuser might use to gain control over their partner. A victim will often stay with their abusive partner because they have been made to feel worthless and, of course, the threat of violence.
 
Ted01 said:
Is this the same thing as what people used to call "Gas-lighting". (as in the movie)

In doing a little googling, it seems to me that it is...
but in the OP, I get the sense of a guy being rude to someone who may or may not be related to him,
but I don't see any signs of him trying to control anyone... It might perhaps be indicative of coercive control...
so, idk?
Click to expand...
My strong impression was that they were a married couple.
For the next 1 1/2 hours she stood behind him, with her hands on the chair for a large portion of that time.
He went for a cigarette but she never sat in the chair.
 
horseless carriage said:
My wife and I have been married for fifty-seven years. Back in 1968 when we got married we agreed that if we were to quarrel the loser would have to walk five miles. I have walked five miles everyday for the last 57 years, which is probably why I have no weight issues. My missus is the same, not an ounce has she increased since we got married. Mind you that's no surprise, everyday she's followed me to make sure I cover the full five miles.
Click to expand...
I guess you or your wife can rest and stop walking when one of you died. :)
 

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